This pregnancy is officially five weeks along. My nerves have gotten to that hyper-aware place. My last pregnancy ended right at five weeks. So, of course, I don’t pee without looking at my underwear, the paper, inside the toilet. I do it without even thinking.

I do it while thinking way too much.

Yes, I belong at an Over-Thinkers Anonymous meeting.

“Hi, my name is Lotus…”

“HI, LOTUS!”

“…and I have a problem with over-thinking everything in my life and everyone else’s. Even simple daily tasks turn into complex difficult episodes, because I make every life event a convoluted train of possiblities.”

Oh, yeah, and, “Both the optimistic and the pessimistic sides of my nature are overthinkers.”

So, I can go off on tangents thinking of all the good things (day dreaming about how cute the baby will be, what we will name it, how many diapers I can get Braden to change for me… shut up, it’s MY daydream…) and they are positive and delightful.

But I can also get emotionally sucked into the pain of being stuck in a never-ending cycle of having to pee, feeling nervous, staring at the crotch of my underwear, seeing nothing, and then feeling relieved again. Only to go get more water (drink up, preggo!) and start the cycle again.

And the, “what was THAT?” thought over every little weird gas bubble or muscle twitch in my abdomen is getting old, too. It IS pretty fun for me to feel really excited every time I fart, though, while thinking, “Yay! That was totally just GAS. Whew!”

[And yes, I'm going to talk about flatulence for a whole 9 Months. Just wait and see what I talk about after I HAVE the baby.]

Another bonus about being an OT’er is that I have a compulsion that forces me to know “exactly how nervous I should be right now.” So I stare at calendars and count out exact days and periods of time and compare them.

“Ah-ha! From Sunday to Tuesday I should be the most freaked out, waiting for something bad to happen!”

Why do this?

Why not? It’s just who I am. Some people are naturally a little more high anxiety than others. *raises hand*

But don’t worry about me. Being this way isn’t adding huge amounts of stress to my life – it’s quite manageable. I mean, it doesn’t mean I’m spending all day rocking in a corner, holding my abdomen and writing odd messages on the wall in my own blood, while my eyes dart back and forth and a frothy spit crust forms on the edges of my mouth.

No, no, no! That would be just awful!

Who has time for all day? I only do that from 10:00-10:45 and 3:35-4:15 each day. Because on the real, ya’ll, I’m a BUSY and ORGANIZED psycho.