If you can’t have it all, take a little.

My fingers are cold.
Upstairs my child is sleeping.
I’m down here alone.

Thermostat set low
in the hopes that next power
bill will be lower.

My toes are so cold.
There’s work to do; I’m too tired -
Emotionally.

A short drive from here
women are laughing, playing.
Warm, happy, together.

Here, it is quiet.
I sit still on the couch and
ignore my numb toes.

Perhaps, in the morn
I’ll join them very briefly.
Just a quick warm up.

Looking back over my shoulder, and then towards the horizon.

So, I’m still thinking a lot about how much time I spend being a Momma, and how much time I get to just be me.  And the disparity.  And how I need to manage that better, and have help doing so. 

Thinking about what I need to be a mentally healthy, happy person.

Thinking about how I need to carve out something that’s my own, and to myself.  You know, time for me to just step to the side, alone, and say, “Leave me alone right now.  I need to just be me for a little while.” 

 

I LOVE this gig as mother and wife, don’t you DARE get me wrong.  But, people, I am MORE than that.

see…

Before my son and my husband, I actually existed and had interests and desires!  Oh.  My.  Gah.

I was this functioning, complex, driven person before a human being was thrust forth from my nethers. 

I was a dreaming, aspiring, determined to go and do and become! person before I ever heard that sweet Texan drawl on the other end of the phone line back in 2001.

Who I am and the direction I’ve been pointed in has changed in so very many ways in the past several years.  The way the wind has blown for me has constantly changed, it has whipped me this way and that, and I was lucky enough to be able to let myself float along with that ferocious breeze. 

You see, some time ago, I said, “Self?” 

And My Self said, “Yup, Loter?” 

And I said, “Self, I’m kinda scared, because I had all these really specific plans for Us.  And, um, Self, things might go weird if We grab ahold of this sail and let the wind whip Us somewhere else.” 

And My Self just leaned back and said, “Hmm, is that so?” 

And I said, “Yeah, Self.  I’m really kinda scared.  But I think it might be interesting, too.” 

And My Self raised an eyebrow and said, “Ya think?” 

And I said, “Yeah, I do.  And that We might regret it if We let that sail pass Us by.” 

And My Self?  Well, it just smiled and said, “Well, then, what are We waiting for?”

And we grabbed the sail.  And we let the wind fill it and carry us away from all of our special plans.  And it showed us lots of other things we never knew were in store for us.

Very many good things have befallen this lady’s self.  A few bad things have trampled on her, as well.  And she has learned very much about Her Self.

And now?  I’ve been doing this thing right here for a little over nine months.  That’s right, this website has gestated for a complete term, and it is… well, it’s helping me birth the realization that I am actually DOING some things here that I have a talent for! (Right?  Please tell me I’m not completely delusional.) and which I thoroughly ENJOY!

The photos, the writing, the sharing, philosophizing, and pondering out loud, with wordage, to all of you.

I feel I am becoming something better.  I feel I am finding my place in the world.

And people, I can’t let anything stop me.  It’s time for some serious time-management strategies.  Momma’s got a job here on Teh Internets, ya’ll.  And even though it pays little more than extreme satisfaction at the ability to create, and do, and even become!, Momma is gonna stick with it, folks.

My Self and I?  We just bought a compass.

I like to be alone. (translation: I am oh-so-screwed.)

I’ve always been happy spending large portions of time by myself.  In fact, I prefer it to being around other people a lot of the time.

I don’t get “bored” from being alone.  Never have.  I can always come up with some way to entertain myself when there is no one else around.  Really.  In fact, I usually don’t get to the majority of things I’d like to do all by myself, there are so many.

There are lots of labels that we try to fit on people who feel this way… “anti-social,” “introverted,” “weirdo.”

The thing is, I’m not all together anti-social, introverted, or weird.

I can be rather social, outgoing, and extroverted.

It’s just that I really enjoy time to myself.  Introspection.  Downtime.  Whatever.

This has been the hardest thing for me about becoming a mother.

I see you nodding.

I am very rarely alone.  Even during those oh-so-special times when you think no one else would even WANT to be around you, as a mother, you often have a guest.

“Why no, I didn’t want to pop a squat alone, why would I want to do that?  Come along, little one, and watch me poop.”

And what of taking showers?  Either you

a. just don’t shower

b. have a munchkin in there with you, or

c. the moment water hits your skin, there is one howling from another room.

They wait until you’re trying to scrape the filth of many days from your skin to have complete breakdowns.  That, or to mortally wound themselves.  They do it on purpose, you realize.

[The parental units must not be allowed to refresh themselves.  This is part of The Plan.  This is part of how they break us down.]

And what if your other half occasionally decides to hang out with the spawn in the morning so you can sleep in a bit?  You can’t get any decent snooze time anyway, because you can hear them carrying on in a loud manner.  At least if you’re in my home.  Where Screamie McGee resides.  There is no waking moment invulnerable to being sporadically punctuated by a shrill report.

The downtime – it’s just not the same anymore, is it, folks?

A trip to the grocery store alone has become almost as enjoyable as only, um… other things should be.

“I’m going to run out and get a few things from Kroger.  I’ll be back soon.”

“Okay.”

Pause.

“I thought you were going to Kroger?  Why are you standing there with that glazed look in your eyes?”

“Oh. Sorry.  Yes.  I was overcome with desire and anticipation at the idea of not being screamed at when I stop the cart to pick something out.”

*wipes drool off lip and gets car keys*

While I absolutely believe it is worth it, and I wouldn’t trade this life for any other - sometimes, I would really like to have time alone again.  Know what I mean?

So, in the face of all this, how do you keep your sanity?  What do you do to find some time alone?