Don’t let the man get you down.

And if you must submit, make sure you let them (the powers that be) know you’re going to do it your way.
Especially if your way is like a cocky little bastard.

Gah, I love that little troublemaker.

I think the mayo was spoiled or something…

So, if you came by my website sometime on January 2nd, you probably got the feeling that something was not quite right.

You were given that strange feeling either by the huge black background and prominent red scorpion on the front page, the pictures of crying children and declaration to stop the killing in Palestine, or the approximately eleventy-million popup windows that tried to open so your computer could be infected with viral slime.

I mean, I’m just guessing.  It could have been something else.  Maybe you just ate a bad sandwich that day.

Hoping that the new year will bring with it change for the better is not met well with getting online for the first time in over 24 hours only to find that your site has been COMPLETELY hacked and replaced.

I almost threw up.  I cried.  I thought about just shutting down the website forever.  Seriously.

I climbed the walls.  I was VERY ANGRY.

I Twittered like crazy.  Remember the other day when I said how great Twitter is?  PEOPLE, TWITTER IS GAAAAHHHH-RATE.  I found help from people there!  The site is back up. Security measures have been taken, and more are being researched/planned/undertaken.

I wanted to apologize to anyone who experienced any inconvenience because of what happened.  I mean, it really wasn’t my fault (I didn’t make that bad sandwich you ate, yo), but I still feel pretty bad that the ugly happened on my turf, ya know?

I’m throwing out that bad mayo, and I’m hoping you never get a rotten sandwich here again.

Can we still be friends? 

First, I totally bore you with the medical stuff… then, Pee Pee!

Several kind readers have been asking me about how my appointment with the Endocrinologist went on Jan.28.

(For links on the back story, visit here, here, here and here. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and have been experiencing Clinical Depression for some time.)

This post will probably be very long, and probably not all that funny. I know some of you come here for your funny. If you stick with me while I’m playing Debbie Downer today, I’ll give you some funny at the end. Promise. Okay?

Okay.

The actual Endo visit was like this:

Got there, signed in, sat down. Read book. Suddenly wanted to cry. Had no idea WHY. Unable to keep reading. Closed eyes and put head against wall. Receptionist asked if I was okay. I nodded yes.

Then I started crying.

I couldn’t stop it from happening. I didn’t know why I was even doing it. It.was.so.embarrassing.

They took me back to the exam room early because they felt sorry for me. Nice, really. But damn, did I feel stupid.

Nurse: “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Me: “No. Uh… I don’t know?”

Ugh.

The doctor was very kind. She was compassionate, reassuring, attentive, and never rushed me. She explained that I need another ultrasound of the thyroid since it has been 3 years since the last, and I may have developed cancerous nodules during that time. We also agreed on a 3 month cycle for my blood test check ups. Ongoing monitoring is necessary because the status of the disease can change at any time, and can ostensibly be life-threatening.

She indicated that the symptoms of hypothyroidism that I’m experiencing are also the symptoms of clinical depression (you don’t say?) and that if my hormone levels are normal (they were in December) that it is likely that is my problem, as per those symptoms. She said I would need to see a Primary Care Physician to address that. (Like I can afford it, but oh well.)

Before I left the office, I gave more blood. She wanted to make sure there had been no change since the blood tests from December. The results arrived a couple of days ago. My thyroid antibodies are insanely high (you can read about that in one of the above linked posts) but the hormone is “normal.” So no treatment for me from the Endo.

And if I want to get treatment for the Depression, I’m being handed off to yet another doctor, along with another visit fee, plus any other fees for tests and treatment. The bills are already crushing us, and so far, since being diagnosed with the Hashimoto’s back in early 2005, I have received NO treatment that would improve my symptoms. NOT ONCE.

Rewind: When I got home from the appointment on Monday, I decided to continue on some research I’ve been doing lately concerning the link between depression and birth control pills. It can get confusing wading through all that’s out there, but the thrust of it is this: there is a link between depression and birth control pills. Many women report feeling symptoms of depression while on The Pill.

Recently, Veronica told me that when she was on triphasic birth control she “got horribly depressed,” and has “felt miles better since [she] stopped the pill.” Similarly, Jill told me, “it [birth control] drained my energy and stole my libido.”

The progestin contained in the pills is thought to aggravate depression in women who already have it, or trigger it in those who are sensitive/prone to it. In combination pills (estrogen/progestin) the estrogen is said to balance out the negative effect of the progestin. However, again, women who are sensitive to it may still be affected by the progestin ingested.

My own experience, now that I can look back at my past history, has been that while taking a combined pill called Triphasil, I suffer low levels of depression (somewhat manageable), but on Ortho-Tri-Cyclen (what I was on years ago, and then again this year) I suffer incredible depression, including, but certainly not limited to: physical pain in back and neck, extreme fatigue, mood swings, numb/flat affect, irritability, sadness, and loss of libido.

It should be no surprise to learn that, though both pills are triphasic, combination pills (varying levels throughout the month of both estrogen and progestin), The Ortho-Tri-Cyclen will deliver two and a half times the amount of progestin in 3 weeks use as will the Triphasil. [source]

That’s Two And A Half Times the ingredient which can aggravate/trigger depression in many women.

Not a single doctor I have ever visited suggested this as my problem. Not once, in the 13 years I have taken birth control pill. Not once in the very many times I have complained about depression, fatigue, and pain to many different doctors who all knew I was on The Pill.

(Incidentally, both the types of BC I have taken are on the low side for progestin doses, when compared to the many other types of BC, but because I am obviously sensitive to it, that was enough to cause an imbalance for me.)

There has also been recent research detailing the loss of libido for women who take the pill, including a warning of long-term damage. In one study, women who had been taking The Pill for some time had 4 times the amount of SHBG (sex-hormone-binding globulin) in their bodies as did women who had never taken the pill. Hello, depleted libido! Even after 120 days off the pill, these women still had twice as much SHBG in their bodies ad did those who had never taken The Pill. While this is somewhat depressing itself, as it shows that there can be long-term damage to the libido… it also means that some amount of healing can occur over time! YAY!

Last Monday, feeling unhelped by a series of doctors, and without the money to keep visiting more, I did my research on birth control. I talked to John about what I had found so far, and we agreed that it was enough information to prompt me to stop taking birth control to see what happens. After all, things have been very, very much “not good” around here for the past several months.

I try to be frank and honest with you all always, but I talk about the tip of the iceberg here – I don’t like to drag you down with the specifics of the pain I (and my family) endure because I am mentally ill. But do a little reading about Clinical Depression on your own, and you will see that it can be a very frustrating, very ugly thing.

So. I stopped taking The Pill Monday, January 28th. It will probably take some time for me to know for sure whether this is really going to help, or whether I will still need medication. But I can give you a positive report so far. It has been a week, and already John has said that I have been less moody and more kind to him.

And me? I can sense a great change in my “thought life.” I am already finding that I get angry about things less often, and my mood feels generally happier. The debilitating pain in my shoulder/upper back/neck that I have been struggling with for over a month is GONE. I am not feeling as tired as I have recently felt and am more motivated to do things around the house. I think I’ve prepared dinner more times this past week than I did all last month. So? Already feeling better.

In just one week.

I’m not calling for every woman out there to stop taking the pill. It is probably the right thing for some women. But it is definitely not the right thing for every woman. If you take it, and you feel depressed? Ask your doctor for answers. Ask yourself – is it worth this? Could this be what’s hurting me, and those I love? I wish I had known this stuff sooner. I wish my doctors had told me.

I want to take this opportunity to apologize to every single person who’s had to be on the receiving end of my problem, in any way, at any time. It gets hard inside my heart sometimes… it gets ugly inside my head. That flows out of my mouth and my fingers sometimes. Sometimes a lot. I am so sorry.

I want to thank my husband for trying not to kill me, and succeeding.

And I want to thank every single person who says nice things to me on a regular basis. Thank you to every friend and acquaintance who has tried to brighten my day. Thank you to those of you who stick by me and are helping me get through the dark days and make it back into the light. Or, well, into the light at all. You all mean more to me than you can possibly know.

Thank you so much.
.
.
.
***************
.
.
.
So, you made it to the end? Did you read, or just fast-forward for the funny? Ah well, whichever it was, you made it to the end. You deserve your funny, just because you came here to see me. And also because it’s Tickle Me Tuesday, according to Marie.  

So?  Here’s my funny for the day:

My child is prone to butt rashes, and so, 85% of the time, he is at least half-naked. Regular readers can confirm that there are several Braden Hiney Sightings here on a regular basis.

Result of giving in to the desire to hold and love on your half-naked child:

Nice Guy vs. Crazy Crotch Lady

A few quick notes:

Picked up the bow for John’s Christmas present today.

To the woman who saw me “trying it on,” I am sorry you had to see that.  Also, I am sorry your kids saw that, too, because I am sure they asked you, “Why was that lady holding a bow up to her privates?”  And it’s not like you needed ONE MORE question to answer from the kids.

To the man who ran all the way from the register to where my quick walkin’ booty had gotten by then, thank you SO MUCH for bringing me the two bags of groceries that I paid for and almost completely lost.  You reminded me that there are still nice people in the world.  Rock on, Mr. Running With Bags Man. I love you.

That is all.

You can slap me around if you want to.

9:15PM, CST: UPDATE!  I will NOT be dicking around with anything, so no worries!  And put yo’ slappin’ hand away!

AND, have I mentioned how much I LOVE Le Binky Bitch?  SHE ROCKS.

So, this is a HUGE APOLOGY to everyone who has already changed their subscriptions for me.  It was SO VERY, VERY NICE of you who have done that to do it for me.

But I am going to be messing with my feedburner feed address in just a little while, and if I do what I think I’m going to do, you will have to re-subscribe AGAIN.

I KNOW, I KNOW!  I suck!  But please, please bear with me while I figure all this stuff out.  Some things have occurred to me tonight that didn’t occur to me yesterday, because I’m sometimes, well, an idiot.

 If I do change it, you will have to come to the site via the address and resubscribe. PLEASE!

And like I said, you can slap me around if you want to.

I might actually kind of like it though.