Posts Tagged birthday
Dear Old Fart That I Love,
Yes, you forget things *cough* occasionally. Your knees are bad (snap, crackle, pop!). You tell Braden it’s time for his bath when it’s time for his nap. You tell him it’s time for his nap when it’s time for his bath. (By the way, he doesn’t even notice – I’m the only one who does. And I’m required to make fun of you for it, so just get used to it.)
Don’t even think about sharing that pudding with him – you know it will go right to your old gut.
Your hair might be thinning… don’t worry, you’re going to get more and more of it in your nose and ears to make up for this. Your back hurts, but I’m here to distract you from that by demanding that you rub mine (and don’t forget my feet)! I am just that loving.
And yes, I might feel the need to make endless jokes about you being old just because you turn 40 today.
It’s because I love you. And I’m glad you’ve been around for this long, and I’m hoping to make fun of how freaking old you are for so very much longer.
You are a wonderful (old ass) daddy and fabulous (decrepit, aging) husband. Hey – look at it this way: When men age, society kindly chooses to say that they are developing a bald head and a fat gut character and charm. Women? Get slow, fat and grow a beard. Maybe don’t worry so much about your aging – it’s mine you might want to start being concerned about. *wink*
Be careful on the road and hobble home as soon as you can. I will miss your old ass from afar for now, you wonderful, old fart.
Happy 40th Birthday!
Love,
Your hot, young wife.
Officially a Tennesseean? Yee-haw!
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Humor, Miscellaneous Blabbering on October 28, 2008
(As opposed to “Yippee-Ki-Ay“, which is what I said when I was officially a Texan.)
In case you were wondering what I did to celebrate my birthday yesterday, I’ll give you a hint…
It starts with a “D” and ends with a “V.” There’s an “M” in the middle.
No, I didn’t Dance Most Vigorously. Nor did I Distribute Mono Viciously. I didn’t even Demonstrate Musical Vibrators. (What the?)
I did that other DMV thing.
That’s right, I renewed my license. Why did I do such a foul thing on my special day of days? Well, refer to #1 on yesterday’s list.
Yes, this was the ULTIMATE in Lazy Douchiness. I let my license run ALL THE WAY to its expiration date – and it was still a TX license, so go ahead and throw those rotten tomatoes. Or just call me a dildo, whatever.
Yeah, we moved to TN from TX in May of 2006. So, uh… um… yeah. Still had my TX driver’s license because why?
LAZAY DOOSHAY.
A couple of hours at the DMV never hurt anyone, right? *insert moan*
What really killed me was the poor young woman in line a few people ahead of me – she stood there for at least an hour with an infant. Who, by the way, never cried once, even though he was awake the whole time… what manner of witchcraft is THAT? Oh yeah, some people have CALM babies. But I digress. When she got to the counter there was something wrong with the proof of insurance she brought or something. Basically, she got turned away.
HOLY SHITKNOCKERS. I think I might have cried. And cursed a little.
After waiting in line long enough for the rest of my pubes to turn grey (did I ever mention that’s started happening?) things went easily enough for me. At the picture taking, I asked if they could airbrush out my zits (depressing fact – I am a HIGHLY acne-prone pregnant person). Unfortunately, the woman said no, but she indicated that they didn’t show up in the photo… and she was right.
Insane, really, considering that this is what they really looked like as recently as yesterday (and pretty much exactly what they still look like)…
…but I’m not arguing.
Now if they could just erase my side-saddles, you know, for real.
Then I might just Disco-boogie Most Victoriously.
Lead with your ass…
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Husband, Miscellaneous Blabbering on October 27, 2008
And follow with a smile.
That’s the motto for my life from the very first day on.
Today is the day when I pushed my ass out of the darkness and into the light, 32 years ago.
In keeping with the trend, I give you 10 assholish things about myself… in the hopes that at least one will make you smile.
Why 10? Well, I was going to do 32 (one for each year I’m old), but…
- I’m a lazy douche.
- I forget people’s names. I remember faces, but I am clueless about names. If we ever meet, please tell me who you are and why I know you. Or just avoid me because I’m a jerk.
- Children who are rude in public push me one step away from being a child abuser. I want to pop their little heads off. I know that they are just children, but yeah. (Don’t worry, I want to kill their parents, too. Wait, is that good or bad?)
- I have a blogsite (duh) where I spend post after post just talking about myself. Sometimes I even make lists of things about myself. It’s all about ME.
- I am married to a country music guitarist. I hate vomit at the sound of dislike country music.
- I would shower more, but I don’t feel like it. It’s not ALL about water conservation. I’m just lazy.
- When Braden was born, I thought the other babies in the nursery where fugly. I was so glad he was not. (Because baby switching is TRICKY!)
- Made a bet with John on something last night and told him, “If you’re right, you can have 10 blowjobs.” We looked it up. He was right. I smiled. While he was celebrating loudly I said, “You were right, you can have 10 blowjobs… on your 50th birthday, and I’ll pay for the hooker.” Yeah, I’m a sore loser like that. Plus, I’m lazy (refer to #1).
- I totally fluff the covers after I cut one.
- I am overly emotional, highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, often highly critical of others, especially those close to me. Do you have a problem with that? Does it make you dislike me? It DOES, DOESN’T IT? I knew it! You’ve always been out to get me. You should worry more about your own problems, you know? You have PLENTY of them – would you like a list?
My Little Boogerdeenie
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in My Son, Parenting on October 16, 2008
I cannot believe it has already been two years. The second one didn’t go by any slower than the first year.
Braden was born on this date two years ago. We have both changed in so very many ways since that day when he made his appearance, busted his own umbilical chord, and then played around with the idea of maybe not breathing.
Every day since then has been just as complicated and difficult.
In the most wonderful way!
I can honestly say that my son has made me a better person and taught me how to love without bounds in the midst of amazing frustration like I never thought I could.
And I’m so thankful for that, it brings me to tears.
If there be no tomorrows,
and no more yesterdays…
I’d still be glad
for all I’ve had
because you’re here today.
–Mommy
Yeah, I know, lists/ugh. I've always been bad at accepting compliments, and this is no different. I was surprised and honored by this - someone thinks I've done a good job. Icky Listness aside, that makes me smile. :-)lotus works
lotus supports
lotus is impressed by her friends
lotus digs
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