And then he was 4.

braden,

once upon a time on Valentines day I got a wonderful present

confirmation that you existed

the world has looked different every day since then

sometimes more fierce, sometimes softer, in spite of itself

because of you

the days have flown faster than I ever knew they could

and despite what I say about wanting you to slow down

i am also eager to see who you will be tomorrow

and the day after that

and the days and months and years after that

i know that before long

in fact
it will seem
like the blink
of an eye

i will have my answer

so many of these flying days will stack up against one another

that you will be a man

a man!

but for now I still get to be your hand holder and your scare chaser

your cheek kisser and your hair smoother

the one who you wake up in the morning and who puts you to sleep at night

and I get to sit by you at the table and watch you

as you flex your muscles while eating a carrot

your eyes lighting up with imagination and magic as you say

i will eat my vegables and then i will grow to be a strong, big daddy!

and then i will be a growned up!

right, mommy?

yes, baby
one day

but not yet today.

Happy Birthday, my beloved!
The world may sometimes seem fierce

but it will never be quite as fierce as you.

Love, Mommy

Dear Old Fart That I Love,

Yes, you forget things *cough* occasionally.  Your knees are bad (snap, crackle, pop!).  You tell Braden it’s time for his bath when it’s time for his nap.  You tell him it’s time for his nap when it’s time for his bath. (By the way, he doesn’t even notice – I’m the only one who does.  And I’m required to make fun of you for it, so just get used to it.)

Don’t even think about sharing that pudding with him – you know it will go right to your old gut.

Your hair might be thinning… don’t worry, you’re going to get more and more of it in your nose and ears to make up for this.  Your back hurts, but I’m here to distract you from that by demanding that you rub mine (and don’t forget my feet)!  I am just that loving.

And yes, I might feel the need to make endless jokes about you being old just because you turn 40 today.

It’s because I love you.  And I’m glad you’ve been around for this long, and I’m hoping to make fun of how freaking old you are for so very much longer.

You are a wonderful (old ass) daddy and fabulous (decrepit, aging) husband.  Hey – look at it this way:  When men age, society kindly chooses to say that they are developing a bald head and a fat gut character and charm.  Women?  Get slow, fat and grow a beard.  Maybe don’t worry so much about your aging – it’s mine you might want to start being concerned about.  *wink*

Be careful on the road and hobble home as soon as you can.  I will miss your old ass from afar for now, you wonderful, old fart.

Happy 40th Birthday!

Love,
Your hot, young wife.

Officially a Tennesseean? Yee-haw!

(As opposed to “Yippee-Ki-Ay“, which is what I said when I was officially a Texan.)

In case you were wondering what I did to celebrate my birthday yesterday, I’ll give you a hint…

It starts with a “D” and ends with a “V.” There’s an “M” in the middle.

No, I didn’t Dance Most Vigorously. Nor did I Distribute Mono Viciously. I didn’t even Demonstrate Musical Vibrators. (What the?)

I did that other DMV thing.

That’s right, I renewed my license. Why did I do such a foul thing on my special day of days? Well, refer to #1 on yesterday’s list.

Yes, this was the ULTIMATE in Lazy Douchiness. I let my license run ALL THE WAY to its expiration date – and it was still a TX license, so go ahead and throw those rotten tomatoes. Or just call me a dildo, whatever.

Yeah, we moved to TN from TX in May of 2006. So, uh… um… yeah. Still had my TX driver’s license because why?

LAZAY DOOSHAY.

A couple of hours at the DMV never hurt anyone, right? *insert moan*

What really killed me was the poor young woman in line a few people ahead of me – she stood there for at least an hour with an infant. Who, by the way, never cried once, even though he was awake the whole time… what manner of witchcraft is THAT? Oh yeah, some people have CALM babies. But I digress. When she got to the counter there was something wrong with the proof of insurance she brought or something. Basically, she got turned away.

HOLY SHITKNOCKERS. I think I might have cried.  And cursed a little.

After waiting in line long enough for the rest of my pubes to turn grey (did I ever mention that’s started happening?) things went easily enough for me. At the picture taking, I asked if they could airbrush out my zits (depressing fact – I am a HIGHLY acne-prone pregnant person). Unfortunately, the woman said no, but she indicated that they didn’t show up in the photo… and she was right.

Insane, really, considering that this is what they really looked like as recently as yesterday (and pretty much exactly what they still look like)…

…but I’m not arguing.

Now if they could just erase my side-saddles, you know, for real.

Then I might just Disco-boogie Most Victoriously.

Lead with your ass…

And follow with a smile.

That’s the motto for my life from the very first day on.

Today is the day when I pushed my ass out of the darkness and into the light, 32 years ago.

In keeping with the trend, I give you 10 assholish things about myself… in the hopes that at least one will make you smile.

Why 10?  Well, I was going to do 32 (one for each year I’m old), but…

1. I’m a lazy douche.
2. I forget people’s names.  I remember faces, but I am clueless about names.  If we ever meet, please tell me who you are and why I know you.  Or just avoid me because I’m a jerk.
3. Children who are rude in public push me one step away from being a child abuser.  I want to pop their little heads off.  I know that they are just children, but yeah. (Don’t worry, I want to kill their parents, too.  Wait, is that good or bad?)
4. I have a blogsite (duh) where I spend post after post just talking about myself.  Sometimes I even make lists of things about myself.  It’s all about ME.
5. I am married to a country music guitarist. I hate vomit at the sound of dislike country music.
6. I would shower more, but I don’t feel like it. It’s not ALL about water conservation. I’m just lazy.
7. When Braden was born, I thought the other babies in the nursery where fugly.  I was so glad he was not. (Because baby switching is TRICKY!)
8. Made a bet with John on something last night and told him, “If you’re right, you can have 10 blowjobs.” We looked it up.  He was right.  I smiled.  While he was celebrating loudly I said, “You were right, you can have 10 blowjobs… on your 50th birthday, and I’ll pay for the hooker.”  Yeah, I’m a sore loser like that.  Plus, I’m lazy (refer to #1).
9. I totally fluff the covers after I cut one.
10. I am overly emotional, highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, often highly critical of others, especially those close to me.  Do you have a problem with that?  Does it make you dislike me?  It DOES, DOESN’T IT?  I knew it!  You’ve always been out to get me.  You should worry more about your own problems, you know?  You have PLENTY of them – would you like a list?

My Little Boogerdeenie

I cannot believe it has already been two years. The second one didn’t go by any slower than the first year.

Braden was born on this date two years ago. We have both changed in so very many ways since that day when he made his appearance, busted his own umbilical chord, and then played around with the idea of maybe not breathing.

Every day since then has been just as complicated and difficult.

In the most wonderful way!

I can honestly say that my son has made me a better person and taught me how to love without bounds in the midst of amazing frustration like I never thought I could.

And I’m so thankful for that, it brings me to tears.

If there be no tomorrows,
and no more yesterdays…
I’d still be glad
for all I’ve had
because you’re here today.
–Mommy

Pseudo Birthday Thingies

Braden’s 2 Year Birthday is October 16, 2008. Unfortunately, John has just left for another run and won’t be back until 2 weeks from now.

So he’ll be gone on Braden’s birthday. Well, darn.

Instead of getting too depressed about it, we decided to make it fun for all of us by having Psuedo Birthday Celebrations! We did a little before John left and we’ll do another day of fun when John gets back. (AKA: Yes, Braden is a spoiled brat.)

We gave him a little fake cell phone and car keys (in the hopes that he’ll leave ours alone) a few days ago. Here he is opening the keys…

The “Wow!” about the paper shreds is so cute it almost made me vomit confetti. (Isn’t that what you’re supposed to do when stuff is really really really super mega cute?) Then, he said, “Beeebeeee!” when he saw the baby on the picture, like that’s what he thought he got.

Oh, Braden, you have no idea what’s coming, buddy.

He really loves the keys and phone, btw.

But he will ALWAYS still find things of mine he NEEDS to play with.

Did you just vomit confetti?

Mutha Uckas.

About a year ago, I badly wanted a new camera. I really wanted the brand new Canon Powershot G9. My birthday is in October, only a couple months after the release of the G9 to the public, and John said I could consider it my birthday gift and order it. So I did what a cheap-ass does. I found the best price online from a website that APPEARED to have many positive reviews.

The words, “if it seems to good to be true, it probably is” have strong application here.

I got, for lack of a better way of putting it (and no desire for a better way) – totally and completely dicked around by the asshatians at 86th Street Photo and Video. Yeah, you can go ahead and mark it down to never do business with them. First it was in stock, then it was on back order for 2 weeks, then it was on back order for 5 more weeks. I canceled my order. And was intensely pissed off. And decided to make due with my old camera. So no birthday present, no new camera.

Recently, I decided I’d like to try for that G9 again – I really am ready for a new camera, and once again my birthday is coming up, so I was thinking I’d find a way to have that camera for my birthday this year. So I found another good price online (somebody just shake the dumb out of me, please?) and saved up my ad revenue until I had enough. A week ago, I placed the order.

When I didn’t receive an email confirmation within 24 hours, I got annoyed. 2 days after placing the order, I called. After being on hold long enough for my pubes to turn grey, a customer service rep confirmed my order#, my name & address, and the product I had ordered. He said it would ship by the next day and to enjoy it.

Today was one full week from that conversation, and no camera. And, uh, they are not based ON THE MOON, so I figured that was too long, and I called again.

After being on hold for another insanely long amount of time, a man said, “How can I help you, Sir?” (Apparently the news has gotten around that I have a penis.)

I said, “Well, I’m not a “Sir,” but I do hope you can help me. I need to track an order.”

“What’s your order number?”

“55968832″

“That’s an invalid number – there is no such order.”

“I talked to a customer rep with your company just a week ago and confirmed my name, address, and product order, and said it was being shipped to me the next day, so how can that be?!”

“Well, I don’t know who you talked to, but that’s not an order.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, I know I placed the order and got a confirmation by voice.”

“Well, sometimes things are on backorder and what you can do is either wait until they come in or cancel your order and place it again when the product is back in again.”

“You know, this is really ridiculous, it was bad enough that I didn’t get–”

“Ok, we’ll cancel the order–”

“Excuse me, I was talking. It’s exceptionally rude of you to interrupt me and tell me you’re cancelling my order. That is NOT good customer service. This entire experience has been a horrible customer service event. What is your name?”

“John.”

“Okay, John, I DO want to cancel my order, and I will NOT be placing it again. Your business practices are irresponsible and unacceptable.”

“Okay, your order is cancelled.”

He went on to give me a confirmation number for the cancel (after I demanded it) and then practically hung up on me. Add Prestige Camera to your list of places to NEVER do business with.

Also, be aware that when the price is low (probably wholesale) and you don’t add on any of the insanely high priced accessories they also sell, you will probably be put into a situation where you will want to cancel your order… because they WANT you to cancel it. It’s a type of “bait and switch” tactic — they draw you in with the low price on the main item, then convince you to buy accessories with hugely marked up prices. They make all their $$ off of the sale of the price-inflated accessories, and if you don’t buy those, selling to you at wholesale is a loss for them. So it is to their advantage to make you want to cancel.

Nice, right?

These are the types of businesses I’d like to nuke. Or smother in dog diarrhea. Either would make me smile a little.

It makes me unhappy to know that they have my name, address, and credit card information, too, as some of these places are actually just fronts for identity theft rings.  Here’s hoping they don’t steal all our millions of cents.

Mutha uckas.

The mutha uckas run a rip-off uckin’ biznas.
Mutha uckas won’t sell me a cam wit no assessories!
The shi- fight’s gonna get vicious and malicious.
Cut the cra- I need my cameralicious!

Too many mutha uckas uckin’ wih mah shi.
How many mutha uckas?
Too many to count!
Mutha uckas.
<3

PS: Check out this post to win a $50 Gift Certificate to an online store that DOESN’T suck. In fact, it’s awesome!

Thirty-Nine

To the wonderful father of my son…

And a husband who is comfortable
and silly enough to let me do this…

 

Happy Birthday.  I you.

 

PS: Haha, you’re old!

PPS: Just kidding.  But you will be next year!

 

To Readers: You are NOT old if you are 39 or 40.  Just John.  So that I can make fun of him.  You know.  For being OLD.  And for being in High School when I was, like, 7.  Hah!