I was totally thinking of complaining today about some Braden-related things. His gums have been bleeding when I brush them, and I’m trying to figure that out. Also, his refusal to use a regular cup has become maddening, and I’ve been trying to help him make the change. These are the type of things I obsess and worry over. You know, on a small scale. Of course, I’m also worried about all the other things that go into raising him properly, and there are many which hit a much more complex/grande scale of importance, but these are the types of details that float in and out of our everyday lives.

Then tonight I watched a 20/20 special called, My Secret Self – A Story of Transgender Children. It aired previously, about a year ago, but this was the first time I saw or heard anything about it.  The special, that is.  The condition itself (Gender Identity Disorder), I have known of already - even studied it to some degree in graduate school – but I’ve never seen a special like this that dealt so intimately with the lives of actual children who have a life-force that is in strong opposition to the shape of their mortal coils.  I learned about the “secret life” of Riley, “Jazz,” and Jeremy.

I found the episode that aired a year ago, on youtube, broken up into five segments.  I’ve embedded them here, so you can watch them, if you’re interested.  It’s worth the time to take in their stories.

When you close your eyes, you don’t have to know the shape of your anatomy to know who you are. You are distinctly aware of your gender. It’s a strong part of your mental identity, your soul, your being, whatever you want to call it. You don’t have to ask anyone else how you should feel, what the shape of your body is, what organs lie inside your abdomen, or what your voice sounds like in order to identify with your gender. You can close off everything outside yourself and check in with your inner core, and you know.

And can you imagine looking at yourself after that and seeing the shape of something else?  Or being told that you are something else?

I can’t even begin to truly understand, but I can begin to imagine.  As a parent, watching that special, I was moved by so many visceral emotions.  Barbara Walters said she thinks most viewers will be “moved to greater understanding.”  I was moved well beyond that.  What must it be like to try to help your child through this?

It was hard to get Braden off the pacifier, and it’s going to be difficult to get him to give up his sippy-straw cups.  Hill of beans.  Such small change.

I can promise that the reasons why I took that piece of plastic away from him and why I want him to learn how to use his cup, even though those things are causing distress for him (and me) in the short-term, are the same reasons why I would support him – the person he is inside his own mind, not the shape of the bag of meat he lives in – no matter what.

It’s because he’s my child, and I love and respect him.  I’m bound by that love and respect to make the choices that are best for him, no matter how uncomfortable and difficult they may be.  Either short term, or long term.

That’s what I signed up for.  That’s why I’m here.

I can’t even begin to imagine reacting in any other way.