If My Sky Should Fall

Good news in this bad economy…

I discovered the other day that if all else fails, I can steal Braden’s chalk and set up a tip jar on some city sidewalk somewhere.

spongebob

Far away from the chalk artists with actual talent, that is.

And I only take requests from people who have passed their entire bodies through my vaginal canal. I’m picky like that.

Doorbell Insanity: He Haz It

Did you know that every single one of us parents is definitely spending too much money (I don’t care how little you spend, it’s too much) on toys? Cause, yeah.

Really. Why the hell do we buy toys again? All we really need is boxes, sunglasses, keys, hair clips, flashlights, spatulas, and the doorbell. (not an all inclusive list, but a working one)

And duct tape for the bad days. Don’t judge me.

Fisher Price? Pfffft.

Mommy, where do testicles come from?

Alternate title: This Tree’s Got Balls, Man.

testicletree

Disengage and Float Away

So many times, lately, I’ve had this longing. To disconnect from everything and just float away.

For this seed, it’s a way of life, something that happens with no planning, no urging.

Yup, you can take frackin’ awesome water shots.

Often, when I post water shots on Sundays, I get asked how I take those photos, what kind of camera I use, etc.

The first thing you need to know is that I have no clue how to use a DSLR. As far as digital cameras are concerned, I’ve never used anything other than a Point & Shoot. My new P&S camera (Canon Powershot G9) is very nice and I love it very much, but I took nice water shots even with the “old” camera – a Kodak Easyshare DX7630 (6MP, 3x Digital Zoom). Which is to say, you don’t have to have a fancy camera to get shots like this.

The following shots were all taken with the “old” camera:

I cannot stress to you how much practice and repetition play a part in learning how to get a good shot with your camera. I never take just a few water shots and come up with a fabulous one. It’s more like, I shoot 100 captures and then pull the maybe 5 I really like, and then clean them up so they shine.

With water shots good focus and lighting are key. Use your macro setting – if you don’t know how to do that, check your manual. It’s not just a feature on expensive cameras – most digital cameras will have a macro setting, even “cheap” ones.

If the setup you’re using isn’t working for you – try something new! Change the speed of the water drip, the background, the lighting, distance… see what happens as you change things and you will learn what you like, what works for you and your camera. If you get frustrated, burned out… turn the camera off, wait 5-15 minutes and try again so you’re refreshed.

I guarantee that you can great photos of water without a fancy camera. You just have to be patient and willing to try again and again. Remember The Little Train Who Could?

I’ve been writing water shot tutorials over at Photo Bliss, so make sure you check them out for details.

Here are links to ones I’ve already posted:

Water Photography Series – Falling Drops

Making Water Droplets Magical

Water Splash Photos, Easy

And I’m planning on doing more as I get fun ideas (already have a few in mind).

Feel free to ask me any specific questions you have, any time. I’m happy to help if I can!

Mutha Uckas.

About a year ago, I badly wanted a new camera. I really wanted the brand new Canon Powershot G9. My birthday is in October, only a couple months after the release of the G9 to the public, and John said I could consider it my birthday gift and order it. So I did what a cheap-ass does. I found the best price online from a website that APPEARED to have many positive reviews.

The words, “if it seems to good to be true, it probably is” have strong application here.

I got, for lack of a better way of putting it (and no desire for a better way) – totally and completely dicked around by the asshatians at 86th Street Photo and Video. Yeah, you can go ahead and mark it down to never do business with them. First it was in stock, then it was on back order for 2 weeks, then it was on back order for 5 more weeks. I canceled my order. And was intensely pissed off. And decided to make due with my old camera. So no birthday present, no new camera.

Recently, I decided I’d like to try for that G9 again – I really am ready for a new camera, and once again my birthday is coming up, so I was thinking I’d find a way to have that camera for my birthday this year. So I found another good price online (somebody just shake the dumb out of me, please?) and saved up my ad revenue until I had enough. A week ago, I placed the order.

When I didn’t receive an email confirmation within 24 hours, I got annoyed. 2 days after placing the order, I called. After being on hold long enough for my pubes to turn grey, a customer service rep confirmed my order#, my name & address, and the product I had ordered. He said it would ship by the next day and to enjoy it.

Today was one full week from that conversation, and no camera. And, uh, they are not based ON THE MOON, so I figured that was too long, and I called again.

After being on hold for another insanely long amount of time, a man said, “How can I help you, Sir?” (Apparently the news has gotten around that I have a penis.)

I said, “Well, I’m not a “Sir,” but I do hope you can help me. I need to track an order.”

“What’s your order number?”

“55968832″

“That’s an invalid number – there is no such order.”

“I talked to a customer rep with your company just a week ago and confirmed my name, address, and product order, and said it was being shipped to me the next day, so how can that be?!”

“Well, I don’t know who you talked to, but that’s not an order.”

“That doesn’t make any sense, I know I placed the order and got a confirmation by voice.”

“Well, sometimes things are on backorder and what you can do is either wait until they come in or cancel your order and place it again when the product is back in again.”

“You know, this is really ridiculous, it was bad enough that I didn’t get–”

“Ok, we’ll cancel the order–”

“Excuse me, I was talking. It’s exceptionally rude of you to interrupt me and tell me you’re cancelling my order. That is NOT good customer service. This entire experience has been a horrible customer service event. What is your name?”

“John.”

“Okay, John, I DO want to cancel my order, and I will NOT be placing it again. Your business practices are irresponsible and unacceptable.”

“Okay, your order is cancelled.”

He went on to give me a confirmation number for the cancel (after I demanded it) and then practically hung up on me. Add Prestige Camera to your list of places to NEVER do business with.

Also, be aware that when the price is low (probably wholesale) and you don’t add on any of the insanely high priced accessories they also sell, you will probably be put into a situation where you will want to cancel your order… because they WANT you to cancel it. It’s a type of “bait and switch” tactic — they draw you in with the low price on the main item, then convince you to buy accessories with hugely marked up prices. They make all their $$ off of the sale of the price-inflated accessories, and if you don’t buy those, selling to you at wholesale is a loss for them. So it is to their advantage to make you want to cancel.

Nice, right?

These are the types of businesses I’d like to nuke. Or smother in dog diarrhea. Either would make me smile a little.

It makes me unhappy to know that they have my name, address, and credit card information, too, as some of these places are actually just fronts for identity theft rings. Here’s hoping they don’t steal all our millions of cents.

Mutha uckas.

The mutha uckas run a rip-off uckin’ biznas.
Mutha uckas won’t sell me a cam wit no assessories!
The shi- fight’s gonna get vicious and malicious.
Cut the cra- I need my cameralicious!

Too many mutha uckas uckin’ wih mah shi.
How many mutha uckas?
Too many to count!
Mutha uckas.
<3

PS: Check out this post to win a $50 Gift Certificate to an online store that DOESN’T suck. In fact, it’s awesome!