Merry Christmas To All And To All A Good Night

You Slipped Away Before I Ever Got To Hold You

There’s a little something that pulls at my heart this time of year.

I don’t talk about this stuff very much any more. I talked and talked and talked about it a lot for awhile. I even mentioned it a few straggling times once I’d mostly grown quiet about it. A lot of friends and strangers questioned my resistance to healing. I don’t know if this is just something about me, an excessive emotionality that disallows me from ever really letting go of the deepest pains.

Maybe everyone is like this. Maybe you are. Maybe you aren’t.

It still hurts me at this time of year when I think about the babies who are not here, the one who was due on Christmas Eve, the one who quietly died in my womb in December and then had to be removed. Two of my kids won’t get presents from Santa this month, nothing to do with being naughty. They just didn’t make it. They never had a chance to be naughty. They slipped away before I ever had a chance to hold either of them.

I’ve always loved Christmas. I still do. But this little something pulls at my heart now too. It’s a melancholy kind of joy I feel nowadays during the holidays.

I choose to feel the happiness of the season, because most of the time, I do have a choice.

But when the tears come, I let them take over for awhile. That’s a choice, too. A mostly healthy one, I think, regardless of what anyone else might believe. When they dry up again, I hold onto all the joy I can find, and while I let the pain visit, the joy is where I remind myself to dwell.

May you all find the greatest joys and dwell in them for the rest of this year and into the New Year. xo

It may or may not be cold outside. Merry Christmas!

Frankly, it’s 54F outside right now, and the forecast high for today is in the 60s.  On a couple of days next week, it’s supposed to be in the 70s.  I will now duck your thrown punches. So, pretty much, no, it’s not really very cold here in Austin, TX.

Last year we had snow a week into the New Year (we were still living in Nashville).  Braden expects it this year, and I keep having to tell him we will probably not see it.

No matter the weather, we’re enjoying some Christmas spirit in our home right now.  We’ve been tracking Santa already and are currently watching The Polar Express.  I sense there will be cookies consumed later today – along with our usual brunsli and spitzbuben, I made these monsters yesterday.  Hey, at 433 calories a cookie, it eats like a meal! (Better get out my stretch pants.)

It’s been a wonderful holiday season, from the lights to the tree and the anticipation of the big day itself. Braden’s first time sitting on Santa’s lap and talking to him was a rousing success. My heart definitely grew to three times its previous size.

Now it’s Christmas Eve, and before I completely lose myself in:

• trying not to cry at the insanely joy-filled excitement spilling out of my son (already failed)
• The Polar Express, A Christmas Story, Elf, and National Lampoon’s Christmas Vacation
• a pile of wrapping paper, tape, and cursing ribbons
• smoked salmon, crackers, wine and… yeah, really need to put on those stretch pants soon.

I wanted to share a little ditty with you guys that John and I recorded (home studio + talented musician, FTW!) earlier this month for The Fifth Annual Blogger Christmalhijrahanukwanzaakah Online Holiday Concert, hosted by Neil.

Just click the link below to listen to our version of Baby, It’s Cold Outside.  And whether it really is cold out for you or not, I hope this warms your heart and spreads a little of our Christmas Joy to you.

Baby, It’s Cold Outside

From our family to you and yours, have a very Merry Christmas.

Happy Holidays, my friends!

Step two is crucial, really.

It wouldn’t be Christmas without this wonderful How-To from everyone’s favorite gifters.

There really is no occasion you can’t brighten with a dick in a box. And really, it would be nicer than getting a pap smear for Christmas or Hanukkah, right?

Also available on YouTube.

Merry Christmas to you all. May you find love and joy (and maybe even some genitals wrapped in pretty bows) today and for the rest of this season.

A transformation.

It’s a ring.

When I’m asked what Christmas gift I remember the most, this ring is the first image that surfaces in my mind. One of the most beautiful opals I have ever seen sits like a regal queen atop a shining, golden band. On each side of her, like ladies in waiting, is a tiny diamond, twinkling playfully.

I am not obsessive about jewelry. I appreciate things of beauty, and with these types of decoration I tend to gravitate towards simplicity.

I had never before received expensive jewelry from a lover. I had never really desired it, to be honest. Regardless of that, I found this piece perfect. When I opened the box, I was floored and pleased.

It is beauty, basic and true. I loved it immediately, and still do.

A person special to me worried over the selection of this ring. He had labored over this choice, and this ring had spoken to him.

While it is certainly true that the ring is stunning, that is not why it is my most memorable gift. There is magic in my memory of this gift, but it is not because I received the ring on Christmas day.

The real magic lies in what it later became – an engagement ring. The man who painstakingly chose that gift for me did not know that later I would switch the hand on which the Queen Opal rode, as promise to marry him.

My most memorable Christmas gift was a pretty, shiny adornment that later transformed into a symbol of love, basic and true.

Beautiful.

******

Today’s post is my answer to The Gift, a writing challenge at {W}rite-of-Passage.

The following people took the challenge, too.

wonder and light

it’s in every wide-eyed stare
that seems to light up
his whole face

while softening mine

it’s in the way he views lights
sweetly breathing the word,
“wowwwwwww”

my heart stops for a moment

it’s in the excited, rising
pitch in his voice as he says
“Santa” and “Cwissmas”

that puts a twinkle in my eyes

it’s in his sincere concern
when he asks me with
worry stitched across his face
“Am naughty, Santa bwing no pwesents?”

i have to stifle a laugh

it’s in the mirth with which he replies
“That’s wight! If I good, Santa bwings
pwesents! on CWISSMASSSS!”
when i remind him there’s still
hope

i love him no matter how naughty he is

it’s in the way i can feel the joy
as he does because he
reminds me how to

i have a reason to let go and smile

he runs the years back
on my rusty clock
just by being himself

the ultimate gift in life

he is wonder and light
and i am grateful.

The Elves Came Early

They told some of my friends to send me things… they all chose things that would comfort me… how did they know? Now these are good friends…

Like my Cheese, Fruit & Cookies-Giving Friend…

She even put in presents for Braden to keep him distracted.


Or my Coffee-Giving Friend…

Gorgeous Tumbler and Charged Card so I can buy coffee and get free internet access at Starbucks. Me time!
*faints*


Or how about my Beautiful Soaps & Chapsticks-Giving Friend?

This was so perfect for me… I have a chapstick addiction. Do you know what I mean? Anyone?


And who can overlook my Chocolate & HooHaa Care-Giving Friend?

Gotta love a pad with BEWBS drawn on the wrapper. Also? Don’t touch my Russell Stover German Black Forest Truffle or you will draw back a nub.

And then I will rip off your nub and bludgeon you with it.

Yes, it’s that serious.


So, Nub Bludgeoning aside… would you be willing to give me a gift? Do me a favor right now and gift me this Christmas by doing something for someone else.

It’s really easy; all you have to do is click a link.

That’s right. I want you to click a link. Until the end of December, every time you click this link, or load any of the other pages on that website, you help earn ad revenue, 100% of which will be donated to a non-profit charity called “To Write Love on Her Arms.” (You can check the charity out here.  Make a donation, buy a shirt.  I’m going to buy a shirt… I’ll post photos of me in it later, even.)

They are “dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.”

So, from a person depressed as she’s ever been this Christmas, please click. Click as many times as you feel moved to click, between now and the end of December 2008.

If you click right now, leave a comment on that post, then come back to me and tell me you did it.  It’s like my Christmas present. But even if you don’t feel like coming back, just click anyway, ok?

Merry Christmas, to all of you. And thank you.

Of Junk, and Boxes

I need a little break from my sorrow.  You do, too.

Time for a favorite amusement of mine around this time of the year. 
I think I might just post this Every.Single.Year.

Perfect gifting solution for today’s economy, right?

You’ve got less than a week now, fellahs.  So buy that box and get out yer scissors.