This does NOT mean I have to relinquish Lazy Douche Status.

About Eleventy-Gajillion years ago, I told my readers, You Wonderful People, to ask me questions. And I said I would answer them.

And I answered all the ones that pertained to food or eating (because clearly, that is what I find most important) in due time. But then I kind of… you know… didn’t answer the rest of them.

And “Dana” called me out as a “lazy douche” because I wasn’t answering the questions – you know – on her time schedule. (Of course, I have no link or email address for her, but if you want, you can view her shenanigans for some good ole’ Troll Fun in the comments here.)

Now, while she was rather a bitch about it, I do need to get around to answering your questions, and so I am finally De-Douching for a few moments to bring you my answers.

I’m going to have to do this in parts, of course, because it’s impossible to get rid of all the lazy at one time. Especially when I’m pregnant. (8 Weeks now! Woo!)

Maria asked me, “I want to know – what do you do when you have an itch that you can’t reach and there’s no one else around to assist you in scratching it?”

Honestly?  I go into the kitchen and get the wooden fork and scratch the hell out of my back with it.  Then I put it back without washing it.  So you wanna come eat at my house?  You just might get some dry skin flakes in your pasta!

Ok, totally just kidding.  I wash it.  But I’m sure you’ll still think I’m gross.  I do lots of gross things.  We’re just scratching the surface here.  Pun intended!  I.AM.SO.FUNNY.

Dawn asked me, “Why did you decide to be a psychology major?”

Ok, there are a few things at play here. First of all, I had to choose electives when I was in high school, and one of the very few things that appealed to me at all out of the choices was Psychology.  It seemed like it would be interesting.  And I LOVED it.

I’m well suited for liking Psych because I am sincerely interested in why people behave the way they do, in the ways they feel, and why, and how those things can be modified.  I like human beings and I want the best for them.  Even if they often make me want to strangle and murder at will.

When it came time for me to choose “what I was going to do in college” there was just nothing else, other than writing, that I even gave a shit about.  I didn’t care about anything else.  And writing seemed like something I’d fail at – I enjoyed it but I was never confident enough about my ability.  My sophmore and senior english teachers might bitch slap me for that, but it’s true.

Lastly, my dad is a psychologist, and this little girl has some daddy issues.  It was a way for me to understand my father better, you dig?  And for me to get closer to him, because I could understand the things he was interested in and talk to him about them.

Also, I want to screw with your head.  Skillz.

Kat asked me, “If you weren’t a SAHM, what would you be doing with your time?”

This is SUCH a big “I Don’t Know!” question for me… but I’d say I’d either be teaching Psych somewhere, taking professional photographs, or writing poetry in a dark room while drinking wine and listening to creepy music.

And trying really hard not to seem pervy and threatening while staring at everyone else’s children longingly.  Because, come on, I would really want a baby if I didn’t already have one!

Kerrianne asked me, “Stewart or Colbert?”

While they are both very funny, and I dig funny in a big way, I have to go with Stewart.  He had my heart long ago and, frankly, he has the Hot Ass Factor.  Excuse me for saying so, but Damn, okay?

Janet asked me, “how do you shoot photos of yourself? do you use a tripod? or is it really braden behind the lens?”

It depends on the photo.  Sometimes I just hold the camera out in front of myself at an angle I feel is appropriate and snap.  If it’s off, I try again.  After a while, you get a feel for how to hold it to get what you want.

If I need a good face shot with no trial and error, I stand in front of a mirror, but I do not shoot into the mirror.  Rather, I use the mirror to show me what the viewfinder sees, and I shoot straight at myself.  I do NOT use a flash, to avoid blow-out at close range.

If I want both my hands in the photo, but just my face, I look for good light, put the camera down on something, and use the self-timer.

If I need full body, I use the tripod with the self timer.

And when Braden takes photos of me, they look like this:

Katie Ann asked me, “Do you have a girl’s name picked out when/if you ever have one?”

Yes!  In fact I’ve had a list of girls and boys names since I was pregnant with Braden which I compiled before we knew his gender.  I liked fewer boy’s than girl’s names, so there is a longer Girlie List.  The thing is that I like “weird” names, and John will more than likely Veto at least 75% of the Girl Names.  For example, I’m almost positive that he will never allow me to have a girl named “Ahava.” I have actually thought of slipping in some REALLY awful ones that I don’t really want, just to make the other ones seem pretty good.

Oh, and then there was the stupid moment when I put the names “Coral” and “Kara” on the list. Coral or Kara Carroll?  YEAH, RIGHT.

By the way, I never knew how serious people take baby names.  I’ve seen some really rude comments made about how much people hate certain names, and I’ll tell you right now, that’s dumber than a pile of shit on rocks.  Hate a name?  Insult someone else’s choice for naming their child?  And I’m not talking about crazy names like Shittake or Lemonjello or whatever.  If you have time to get really worked up over a NAME you have issues, man.  Get over yourself.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  I think.  For now. Way to go off on a Ranting Tangent, eh?

Whew!  I’m spent.  How about you?

You’ll have to wait for another post to see more.  Because I know you’re DYING to hear all my answers.

*snort*