Conversation. Yesterday. Early morning. Cold(ish).
Me: So, we’re going to go running as soon as we get home from dropping Braden off, right?
John: *look of pain* No, it’s too cold. I’m not doing it.
Me: So, I just asked you if we were going to go running, and you said, “No, I’m a giant vagina.” Is that what you just said? ‘Cause that’s what I heard.
John: Yes. I am a giant vagina.
Me: Okay. I’m glad we got that settled.
These are the days of our lives.
PS: It is rare that I publish a post without a photo, but I think we all know that you appreciate the fact that I didn’t stage the appropriate photo for this one. You’re welcome.
I’m sure that you, the reader of my website, are not an asshole of any sort, including the temperature/climate type. Surely, someone with your impeccable taste is intelligent enough and nowhere near enough of an asshat to engage in the behavior I’m addressing with this post. So please, just let this post serve as a place that you can direct the temperature/climate assholes you come into contact with towards, as necessary.
Dear Temperature Asshole,
When someone says it’s cold where they are, that means >>news flash<< IT’S COLD WHERE THEY ARE. As in, the temperature is such that they have made the judgment that it’s frickin’ freezing, Mr. Bigglesworth. Or at least very cold. To them. Which is all that matters about their comment. This is obvious to people who don’t have their heads up their asses, I’m guessing, but what do I know?
If someone says it’s cold (or hot), I’m thinking, just accept it and move on. This is not a moment for argument or debate. Whatever the temperature is where you are / depth of cold (or intensity of heat) you can withstand / number of brain cells you wish you had horrific weather conditions you are experiencing/have ever experienced – COMPLETELY IRRELEVANT. Please resist your nagging stupidity and do not make someone else’s experience of temperature about you.
No, really. The next time you have the urge to say something like “that’s not cold – you don’t know what cold is” or “pfft, that’s nothing, you know how cold it is where I AM?“ to someone, punch yourself in the face one time, as hard as you can, both because you deserve it and because you can do so without feeling any pain. Really! Rest assured that it won’t hurt, because somewhere, someone is getting punched in the face HARDER and even MORE THAN ONCE.
You think it would hurt to punch yourself in the face that once? Pffft. You don’t know what pain is.
All spring and summer long (but for bouts of the bitchiness I’m cursed with, both by Nature and Nurture) I spend my time climbing the ladder.
I kick my feet back into the air after each step up, with a little grinning head toss and a shimmying booty shake, as I climb up, and up and up. Is that a spicy little theme song playing?
I hum a song as I let the sun shine on my face, feeling that warmth.
I look up and see myself getting closer to the top as time passes, but mostly, the peak holds no meaning for me. Sometimes a memory tickles buttons in my mind, but the sun has permeated even there, and its rays push those memories into corners unreachable for now.
The smile on my face keeps spreading.
I still shake my booty and kick out my feet as I step up, up, up the ladder.
By the time it’s bleak and cold outside, I reach the top. There’s nowhere left to go.
I look down at the sleek, cold, metal of the slide and I shiver.
My smile starts to fade. I’m cold. The corners of my mind come alive with recognition of what’s happening.
As the wind blows through me, rattling my bones, I look around and can no longer find the light of the sun.
My teeth chatter.
Before long, a sudden gust of wind slaps a strong, icy hand into the small of my back and gives a malicious PUSH, and with a gasp, I tumble into the metal.
There are no sides to hold. There is no amount of scrambling that can stop my descent.
As if it matters… for as soon as my flesh makes contact with that metal, the cold seems to leach out of my very soul all desire to fight the obvious.
As my face falls slack, I quickly begin the long slide down for The Winter.