Right now, it’s Sunday afternoon, I’m working on The Internets and John is watching football. It’s relatively quiet, because Braden is taking a nap. I actually just made John turn down the TV so that B wouldn’t wake up early.

That’s right. I do not want to see my kid sooner rather than later right this minute.

I miss my cute kid when he’s sleeping, but I DO NOT miss the screaming and tantrums. Helllloooo, he has been into the terrible 2’s since he was about 17 months old.
Now that his actual 2 Year Birthday is about 2 weeks away, he’s ramping it up, BIG time. He has taken to being really angry at the drop of a hat lately. Like how, without notice, he will scream in my face.

He is lucky he is so damn cute. I swear, if he had, like, a second, troll-like head growing out of his neck… or maybe a talking wart in between his eyes? I would definitely keep him locked up under the stairs and feed him bread crumbs.

Okay, okay, that’s not entirely true. I love him too much, and besides, there’s no ‘under the stairs’ place here, so he’d have to just go in the closet. And he’s become far too wise for that – every time I pick him up and head towards the closet now, he screams and kicks and bites me until I drop him. Damn quick learning. I mean, I swear I’m only taking him over there to get his jacket so we can go outside. (shut up, it’s not hot here, shhh.)

The thing is – Braden has just entered a phase where he is REALLY FUN to be around! He says so much now (and, HAI! we can understand him!) and he’s funny. He dances around, makes cute jokes, and does amazing things. Did you see my video brag on him? Oh, you missed it? Well here’s a new one!

(By the way, feel free to tell me I’m a show-offing bitch, because I absolutely know I am. I never meant for that to happen, really, but F It. I’m proud of him! Neener.)

He knows all his letters, though “J” confuses him, and he knows 1-9, but “7″ catches him off base. Clearly “J7″ is his nemesis. And colors! Green, red, blue, yellow, orange, purple, pink, white, and black. Is he a genius? I hope so. I want him to get a job soon and start contributing to the family income.

Anyway, the point is that he is highly entertaining and much easier to get along with WHEN HE’S NOT BEING AN ASSFACE.

That’s the other thing – he is spending significant amounts of time being AN ASSFACE. And he has really, really elevated his level of Assfacieness. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you want to rake your fingernails down your face. Know how some things make you want to do that?

Never? Hm. Really? Ok, let’s just move on and pretend I didn’t say that.

What I want to know is, how long does this “I’m A Super Effing Brat” stage last? (And God Help You if you tell me, “Oh, Lotus, mine is 16 and he never stopped being AN ASSFACE!” because I just might hunt you down and cut you.)

In other words? LIE TO ME.

TELL ME LIES. SWEET.LITTLE.LIES.