Let’s make s’mores.

The time left until my big, exciting appointment with the Endocrinologist is   s. l. o. w. l. y   ticking away.  Every day seems like a year.  Every minute seems like an hour in which the world is sitting on my shoulder saying, “You don’t hold us up very well, woman.  Your shoulders are weak.  You need to workout more.” 

Tabitha D’umo looks at me from the cover of her stupid Dance DVD.  Mocking me.  I entertain thoughts of burning her face up in a bonfire as I dance around it, naked, in my front yard.  But it is below freezing, and I can’t find my matches.  Darn.

Last week was a long, long week.  Lots of good.  Lots of bad.  We fight.  I snip.  I apologize.  We butt heads.  We talk.  I cry.  We laugh.  We cuddle in bed and then fall asleep.

The next day, it happens all again.  I just want to sleep all day.  Can I please just sleep all day?  I don’t want to be a human today.  I want to sit in the corner and stare at the wall.  Also.  I want to stop having frizzy hair that breaks if you look at it wrong, and brittle nails that do the same.  My back locks up and my neck goes stiff on me.  I find patches of dry skin on my feet that look like this:

My back will.not.stop.itching.  It itches in an insane way.  Sometimes, it feels like the skin is trying to crawl off of my body.  I don’t blame it.  The other day, I scratched it with a ruler, absently, while thinking about the curtain tiebacks I wanted to install.  Today, looking at my back in the mirror, I noticed that I had scratched long rivets into my back at some point, probably with the ruler.  I didn’t even realize it.  That’s how bad it itches.

On the days when I can actually get out of the house (like Monday, thank you, Alli!) things feel better.  The motto is, “Movement in Sunshine.”  It seems to help with the Depression Symptoms.  But the lump in my throat.  That choking feeling.  And that world.  On my shoulders. Oy.

Please help me, Mrs. Endocrinologist.  And tell me this paper you sent that says, “payment in full is due at time of service” was just a mean joke you like to play.  Please?

Oh, look.  I just found my matches.  Wanna meet me in the front yard, my friends?  Bring your marshmallows.

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Dance your way… dead.

I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).

Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha.  Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous.  I? cannot get my groove on.  Period.  I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.

It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON.  After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.

In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.

But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!

Ohhh, Braden.  Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them.  Isn’t that yucky?

Ok. I’m ready, I think.  But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.

No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!

No shoes. Not ready!

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!

No, wait.  I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!

DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?

WTH.  She wants me to do what???

Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?

Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…

OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???

(Or did I just fart?)

Ok.  Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side.  THIS?  Just makes me want to commit homicide.

Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.

No. I was wrong, this IS so bad.  How do those cooters do this crap so fast?

Let me try one more time.

No, it was like this…

Ugh.

Braden and I decided that we both really like this kind of exercise a lot better.

My favorite part was near the end.  When Tabitha D’umo said, “Are you tired!? Well, I don’t care! Keep going!”

Oh.Tabitha.No.You.Di’nt.