Bet you didn’t know you had wings.

On Monday I sent John to get us a Christmas tree.

I like real trees. I know that many people have their own, good reasons for having fake trees, but I just can’t have one. I need the smell of a real tree. I need the mess of annoying real tree needles to scatter the carpet. I need the real tree sappy bark and the real tree prickly branches.

I like it when things are real. They hold more meaning for me, somehow. I am alive when I feel.

Real.

Monday evening, I opened a large storage container. In fact, last year, I closed myself up in it entirely, which is a humorous thing for me to recall. What’s even more amusing to me is that, in true camera-obsessed form, I had my Kodak in there with me.

Instead of a dork, it now contains our Christmas decorations. One of the things inside was the Angel we top our tree with each year. We have owned her for about 4 years. Her arms, held open with ribbons and ornaments streaming from one, are posable. I have never moved them, however, and I pack her carefully each year so she that remains in the same position.

So I was more than a bit taken aback when I pulled her out of the box on Monday evening like this:

It was a striking image, her arm thrown across her face, ribbons and ornaments still streaming from her hand. As if the Reality of the family that she was joining this year was too much to bear.

Was she shielding her eyes from my pain? Weeping for us; unable to bear witness.

Tuesday morning, looking down at my own hand, I was reminded of my Angel.

And I realized that I had misinterpreted the message I’d received in her the previous night.

Others are not shielding themselves from this hurt I’m sharing. My pain is not being avoided – it is being shared by and divided amongst all of my “angels.” Without them (you guys), the burden would be heavier, because I would carry it practically alone.

You are my Angels, so to speak.

Every message you send me. Every comment you leave. Every email I get. Every @SarcasticMomLC you shoot my way on Twitter.  You are bearing witness, standing with me, and sharing my pain – you are lessening my burden by supporting me.  All your messages do this.

Please forgive me if I have not the strength or words yet to reply to them all… but know I see them all. I see all of you.

I see you, throwing your hands across your faces with me, the ribbons streaming from them beautifully as you each take a little piece of my pain so I do not feel alone here in “the abyss.”

Sometimes it hurts when things are so real. But I wouldn’t have it any other way, really.

Thanks for letting me feel safe being real.

Best push up bra? Really?

Let me start out by saying that most of the time I really don’t mind getting PR emails. In fact, the large majority of the time, they are pleasant and interesting, and sometimes they are actually really great fun. I am able to, for example, pass on freebies to you guys over here, and/or get to try something out myself and offer a review. Because of these opportunities, I enjoy receiving PR pitches. But seriously, I’m still a person, and if you’re going to send these types of emails to bloggers, please figure out how to frame them. (Not sending out pure CRAP also helps.)

I received this email recently:

Hello, my name is [name withheld by Sarcastic Mom] and I am an internet marketing specialist. I was looking at websites under the keyword best push up bra and came across your website http://sarcasticmom.com. I see that you’re not ranked on the first page of Google for a best push up bra search.

I’m not sure if you’re aware of why you’re ranked this low but more importantly how easily correctable this is.

There’s no reason you can’t have a top three ranking for the keyword best push up bra based on your site structure and content. You have a very nice site.

You need significantly more one way anchor text backlinks. If you’re interested I can help you with this…

I’m talking about getting you ranked for ALL your keywords. Adding new backlinks on a steady and consistent basis from high PR quality websites is what produces the rankings you are looking for http://sarcasticmom.com.

The right kind of links are very critical in getting top ranking….and I can hand deliver these quality links to you.

My partners and I own 1000′s websites and offer private linking to hundreds of website owners just like yourself.

I didn’t send this email out to very many people but I am currently reaching out to a list of your ‘keyword competitors’ as well. But I do favor your website because I can see your website monetizing the targeted website traffic the keyword best push up bra can deliver.

I have your contact information and phone number. Is it ok if I give you a call?

I have a very simple way to prove that what I do works and it’s risk free for you to try. Nothing beats seeing the results with your own eyes

Is it ok if I give you a call? I would love to pursue this further over the phone with you or should I go somewhere else?

Sincerely,

[Name and Phone Number withheld by Sarcastic Mom]

Dear Asshat Internet Marketing Specialist,

I thought about just replying directly to you via email, but since you are such a faithful reader of my website, http://sarcasticmom.com, I thought I’d just post my response to you here. You won’t miss it, right? Besides, I feel the need to share this with others. Call me crazy.

First of all, I know that quite a few people come to my website via some type of “boob” keyword search. And really, that’s my fault for talking about glorious boobs all the time. I don’t care too much one way or another – I talk about what I feel like talking about, blahblahblah, etc. But I can assure you that I do NOT stay awake at night worrying about whether I am on the front page of Google results for “best push up bra.”

I mean, sometimes I can’t sleep because I don’t seem to be able to make it on the front page of Google results for “most awesome person in the universe,” and that one really DOES perplex me, for obvious reasons. I’ll even admit to being a little jealous that I don’t show up at the top of the results for “hot asian porn,” but that might have something to do with the fact that I’m not “hot” or “asian” and I don’t offer “porn” on this website.

Oh, yeah… I also don’t sell or own the “best push up bra.” Or even CARE what that might be. Do you think that has something to do with all that crap you mentioned about me not being on the top of the Google results for that keyword search? Call me stupid, but I think I may have stumbled upon something.

I have to admit that I wondered briefly if your whole email was just a passive aggressive insult aimed at The Rack. I mean, it looks nice when I photograph it well, but, let’s face it… Twin Beaver Tails over here. So, I’m wondering if you’re SUGGESTING that I might need to go LOOK at the search results for “best push up bra” and make purchases accordingly? If so, thanks for your concern, but also? Eff you.

Oh, and just for the record, using my freakin’ blog URL as my NAME? And then suggesting that you have my phone number and asking if it’s okay to call? That put your RIGHT on the list of Ultimate Assholes of The Universe.

Congratulations.

But I’m REALLY confused at why you don’t show up on the front page of results for that or for “asshats who should die.” Clearly, Google has made an error.

Sincerely,

http://sarcasticmom.com

PS: Anyone with a computer or a phone book can look up a phone number when they have someone’s full name. Only a *insert your favorite expletive* wouldn’t actually USE that person’s name when sending them correspondence. FYI.

From My Inbox, Episode 1

I get some interesting crap in my inboxes. I’ll bet you do, too. Let us laugh at it, here!

Just a few days ago, I received this gem:

[Dear Friend,

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the bill and exchange manager in BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) ANNEX, OUAGADOUGOU Burkina faso. I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($15.5) MILLION to your account within 10 or 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim.

I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer(the owner of the account) died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since, July 21, 2003.I don't want the money to go into our Bank treasurer as an abandoned fund.

So this is the reason why i contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested.

Upon receipt of your reply,i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me.

Best Regard.
Mr Molahi Ahmed.
Please,It is top secret. OK]

There is just SO MUCH wrong with this. I don’t think I even got through 3 lines of this e-mail before I started laughing so hard that I peed a little.

(Remind me to do some more kegel exercises, will ya?)

There’s the undercurrent of “anyone who believes this is A MORON,” of course… and then the insanely poor phrasing/improper use of language that just makes you itchy with “hahaha!”

But I think my favorite part is the ending.

“Please,It is top secret. OK”

You have no idea how much I am going to say/write/everything that phrase now. Ahhh, thanks Mr. Molahi Ahmed, you have made me laugh aplenty.

And don’t worry! Your secret is safe with me! OK