Some things are easier to fix than others.

John doesn’t particularly care for my nose stud/gem, but I really love it.

On Tuesday morning, I had to take it out for the surgery (D&C).

By Tuesday night, it was a little difficult to get back in, but not impossible.  It’s there again.

I actually considered just giving it up… leaving it out forever, letting my nose be as empty as I feel.  Because it seems like so much bullshit for me to care if I can put it back in.

The nose gem isn’t what I really want back.

The struggle is easy; letting go is hard.

I am struggling
not to feel empty inside.
It is not easy.

I am struggling
not to be angry right now.
It is not easy.

I am struggling
not to cry so I can breath.
It is not easy.

I am struggling
not to feel like I’m broken.
It is not easy.

I am struggling
to clear grey clouds from my heart.
It is not easy.

But I know that it
is not healthy to keep this
inside, so I won’t.

I am letting go.
I am allowing myself
time to just grieve now.

And I find that I
have these two guys to help me
clear grey clouds away.

Another Swan to fold.

As I write this post, it is Tuesday morning.

John and I have waited since Saturday night for news about our baby.

I started bleeding on Saturday night.

The experience continued through the weekend and into Monday.  I won’t describe it in detail.

I had blood tests on Monday.  The results we got this morning confirmed the worst.

It was a miscarriage.

The baby I had already begun to love is gone.

I feel rather empty, in more ways than one.

I need to go hold my son very tightly and be held very tightly by my husband.

I may not post for awhile – not sure.  I appreciate your patience and understanding while I carefully fold another Swan.