That skinny b*tch…

Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”

That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:

Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?

(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices.  Please.)

*

And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*

Just ridiculous…

And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!

That stupid, skinny b*tch.

Kevin & Leroy?

They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.

They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.

Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.

I hear you crying, my backfat buddies.  And it sounds so sweet to me.

I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!

PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.

Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):

What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.

Keep in mind….

Things to keep in mind while trying to evict Kevin & Leroy:

1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.

2. Drink lots of water every day.
While coffee may be made using water, it does not count.

3. Healthy fats are things like avocado and olives, not doughnuts eaten while standing on or near a treadmill.

4. You will not turn into a Gremlin if you eat after midnight.
Your posterior will multiply to such degree, however, that even Gremlins will avoid being seen in public with you.

5. It is good to set goals.
It is NOT good to celebrate every hour that passes without gluttony by eating a piece of cake.
Or pie.

6. Increasing the amount of fiber in your diet will help you feel full.
Drinking large amounts of Metimusil is not the way to do this.  Your toilet will not like you.

7. Vegetables are your friend.
Do not just “visit” them at the store, asking them how their day was.  You actually need to take them home….

8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate.  No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.

9. Apples are good for you.
Apple pie does not count.  The same goes for sweet potatoes and pumpkins.

10. Eating a full breakfast early in the morning is a great way to jump-start your metabolism.
12.01am might technically be “the next day,” but it is not the time for breakfast.  Also, chips and salsa is not breakfast.

11. You should aim to get in shape.
“Round” is not an acceptable shape.

12. I cannot stress how important it is to hydrate.
Put down the potato chips. I did NOT say carbo-hydrate.

13. Running after a Toddler will actually help you burn calories.
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….

Let me introduce you to Kevin and Leroy.

We’re a full day into 2008, and I’m going to tell you that NO! I did not forget to post my resolutions.
I just like to show up late for everything.

In 2008, I resolve to:
1. Breathe
2. Eat
3. Continue being a spazzy dork. (Why fight it? Besides, Mrs. Flinger says she’ll be my BF for being just like her in this way.)

(Can you tell I don’t really make serious NY Resolutions?)

Oh yeah, and I would also like to see if I can lose something that I discovered clinging to my back the other day.

Do you SEE THAT THING?  Yes. You do.  Because it’s huge.  I think its name is Kevin.

*gives Kevin the finger*

That is a fat roll that was not there before.  Do you remember my Fatty McFatterton post?  Well, I actually lost 5 lbs in the weeks following that post.  Then… I must have missed them, because I found them all again and even more.  I think there’s something about feeling like crap (aka, the D word) where all my fat cells start campaigning for my hands to shove things into my facehole so that they can multiply, because misery loves company.

Of course, Kevin’s twin brother, Leroy, is currently residing on the other side of my back.

*gives Leroy the finger*

So, anyway.  Yeaaaah.  The other day while I was cramming Mexican food into my facial orifice, I started doing the Happy Food Dance… I was moving my upper body side to side… when suddenly I noticed that…. Uhhh, HELLO?  Part of my back was folding over and touching another part of my back and THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

So.  Uh.  Yeah.

And can I just say, for the record… OMG, DID I ACTUALLY SHOW YOU GUYS THAT PICTURE?

I have nowhere to go but up now.

Fatty McFatterton Ate Haiku Friday

Went to bed early
So I wouldn’t eat again
I’m so pathetic.

Dreams of cookies haunt
I want to stuff my facehole
My butt keeps growing.

Tomorrow I wake
Another day of trying
Not to be a pig.

I’ve gained 7 lbs since Halloween, and it’s not cool. I was already STILL NOT BACK TO MY PRE-BABY WEIGHT, and so now I’m even further away again.

How bad is it when your fat rolls have fat rolls?

All the gluttony and sedentary behavior lately has activated the yeast in my muffin-top, and it’s rising fast, spilling over my waist band. I’m totally the Pillsbury Doughboy now. I have to take control before I’m the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

I have 20 lbs to lose now.

Wish me luck!

 

 

Wanna see more of my Haiku Fridays?