Second time’s a charm?

Once upon a time, I completed a workout video called “Drop it with Dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I tried.  I really did.  The outcome was less than victorious.

I was SUPPOSED TO make Tabitha D’umo my bitch.  I said I was going to, and all.

Well.

Dear Lotus,

Who’s who’s bitch now?  Have you counted your fat rolls lately?  Have you MEASURED them?  I think Kevin & Leroy are actually bigger than your entire head by now.  You = Loser.  You, officially, get a FAIL on Not Being A Fatass.

Love,
Tabitha “You’re MY Bitch” D’umo

Can you believe the nerve of that woman?  Totally classless.

But.  Um.  She might have a point.  I only tried to use her video a handful of few times twice once after that first time.

And while I’ve done a few halfassed other workouts, there really has been no consistent effort to be physically fit, as I was hoping there would be.

And I have alllll kinds of excuses why, but really, it all boils down to one thing: Motivation.  If you’re motivated, the excuses just don’t deter you.  They aren’t good enough to stop you.

“My kid just won’t let me alone long enough for me to exercise!”

Um, naptime?  Bedtime?  Locking your kid in the closet for 30 minutes time?

“I’m just so tired that when I have time to myself, I can’t bring myself to exercise.”

News Flash!  If you’d exercise, you’d be tired LESS often.  (Funny how that works, huh?)

“I’m just so busy, there really is no time for exercise, honest!”

Now that’s just bullshit, sorry.  If you’re committed to something, you can find time.  Make time, even.

There are about 23,475,869 things on my To Do List that I am behind on, on a regular basis.  But 30 minutes?  Come on, just 30 minutes every other day?  We can find this, right?  Even if we have to get up 30 minutes earlier?  (Please do not wish me physical harm for suggesting that.)

You know what’s really motivating?  When you step on the scale and discover that you keep gaining weight (what, there’s no cap on how high that number is allowed to get?  crap).  Or when your “fat jeans” get tighter and tighter, threatening to become your “skinny jeans.”  FYI: your “fat jeans” are NOT ALLOWED to become your “skinny jeans.”

How about when you’re just.so.tired alllll the time, and holy flying pigs, did part of my side just fold over and touch itself?  Oh.My.Gah.

I, who never makes New Year Resolutions, actually made a resolution this year, and halfway through the year, I am totally getting a Big, Fat F on that.

I WILL NOT BE OUTSMARTED BY MY MUFFIN TOP, DAMNIT!

So today, I attempted the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Cardio workout DVD for the second time.  And HELL NO I am not able to hang with it for the entire time yet.  But I was incredibly surprised and pleased that I was still alive when it was over.  Both times, I have fully been prepared to die.  I had my will in order and everything.

I’m going to try several things in the coming weeks and see what happens.  Regular exercise (*whimper*), no more late eating (and I LOVE me some late eating), and actually sleeping at least 7 hours a night (is this possible?).

Revolutionary ideas, to be sure.

PS: Tabitha, I’m coming for you, whore.

I got yer hawt right here.

This week’s Showin’ Off On Saturday Challenge is brought to you by The Hawtalucion - the movement to become “uninvisible.” 

Dawn has challenged us all to put together one outfit from clothes we already own that makes us feel good.  We are to “step away from the sweatpants” and Get.Hawt.

Hm. Okay. Go into my closet. Find something to wear… that makes me look good.  I may have forgotten how to do this.

 

I mean. Um.  This is what I look like on any given day:

Except I put on a bra for you, to take this picture.  You.Do.Not. want to see The Rack unfettered. Trust me. I mean – if you were to do something awesome while I was sans bra, and my hands were full?  I could STILL get a nice clapping sound going for you just by jumping up and down. Let that mull for a minute.  Wait for it… wait for it… there’s the look of disgust I was expecting. Alright! 

 

Okay… going into the closet… be right back…

I did it! Got clothes from the closet! How do I look!?

What’s that you say? Ohhh.  They have to be MY clothes?  I can’t choose from John’s side of the closet? Darn. Ok.

 

So.  I guess these are out of the question, then, too?

 

Darn! I was having so much fun doing this….

Going back to the closet…

Ok!  I have got to be looking hot by now!  And these are all MY clothes! What do you think???

No way.  This isn’t flattering?  Hm.  I have clearly forgotten how to put an outfit together.

 

Sexy… I’m trying to look sexy, right?

So, should I wear one of these? Which one?

OH. WAIT. NONE OF THESE FIT ME ANYMORE.  Thanks, Kevin&Leroy and Pattie.

Ok, let me try one more time.

I went into the bedroom looking for these GREAT polka dotted pants I have… but I tripped and fell and this mess got on me:

And somehow, I think this may be what we were going for?

Wait!  Let’s see…Oh. Yes.  The Rack approves.

And The Arse doesn’t look half bad!

 

And the shoes?  Come on, baby. Yeah.

It’s a winner!

 

Dance your way… dead.

I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).

Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha.  Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous.  I? cannot get my groove on.  Period.  I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.

It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON.  After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.

In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.

But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!

Ohhh, Braden.  Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them.  Isn’t that yucky?

Ok. I’m ready, I think.  But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.

No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!

No shoes. Not ready!

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!

No, wait.  I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!

DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?

WTH.  She wants me to do what???

Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?

Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…

OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???

(Or did I just fart?)

Ok.  Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side.  THIS?  Just makes me want to commit homicide.

Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.

No. I was wrong, this IS so bad.  How do those cooters do this crap so fast?

Let me try one more time.

No, it was like this…

Ugh.

Braden and I decided that we both really like this kind of exercise a lot better.

My favorite part was near the end.  When Tabitha D’umo said, “Are you tired!? Well, I don’t care! Keep going!”

Oh.Tabitha.No.You.Di’nt.

That skinny b*tch…

Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”

That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:

Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?

(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices.  Please.)

*

And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*

Just ridiculous…

And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!

That stupid, skinny b*tch.

Kevin & Leroy?

They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.

They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.

Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.

I hear you crying, my backfat buddies.  And it sounds so sweet to me.

I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!

PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.

Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):

What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.

Fatty McFatterton Ate Haiku Friday

Went to bed early
So I wouldn’t eat again
I’m so pathetic.

Dreams of cookies haunt
I want to stuff my facehole
My butt keeps growing.

Tomorrow I wake
Another day of trying
Not to be a pig.

I’ve gained 7 lbs since Halloween, and it’s not cool. I was already STILL NOT BACK TO MY PRE-BABY WEIGHT, and so now I’m even further away again.

How bad is it when your fat rolls have fat rolls?

All the gluttony and sedentary behavior lately has activated the yeast in my muffin-top, and it’s rising fast, spilling over my waist band. I’m totally the Pillsbury Doughboy now. I have to take control before I’m the Stay-Puft Marshmallow Man.

I have 20 lbs to lose now.

Wish me luck!

 

 

Wanna see more of my Haiku Fridays?