Running from my problems. Literally.

Some of you may remember the post waaaaay earlier this year where I admitted to you something that really was no surprise, considering I have mentioned how gross and lazy I have been on a regular basis.  Yeah, I’m talking about the one where I basically said, “I smell like forty ripe asses rotting in the sun.  Oh, and I have fat rolls that have fat rolls and their fat rolls are bigger than their fat rolls’ fat rolls.”  I’m not sure if that even makes any sense, but I wrote it out anyway, because I like the way it sounds.  You do too, you just don’t know it.

The point is that I had gained quite a bit of weight (enough to aggravate my joints and make my fat pants tight on me) and I wasn’t caring enough about myself to bathe regularly.  Unless you’d say once every week or two is regularly.  I guess it is, since I regularly waited that long to scrape the accumulated layers of sediment off of my body. (I swear I found a tiny, fossilized animal in one of the layers once. It was from the Cretaceous Time Period. I’d be rich if I hadn’t dropped it down the drain.)

By May, I was carrying a good amount of weight…

By the end of May, I was sick of myself.  I made a lot of changes (that really needed to be made) and turned my life onto a healthier track again.  Instead of drinking the local liquor store and grocery beer aisles dry practically every other day, I stopped drinking entirely for a whole month.

I hated every fucking one of you bitches that talked about drinking on Twitter during that time.  I wanted to stab you in the face.

Hahaha, just kidding!

No, really.

It wasn’t as hard as I thought it would be, in all honesty.  And during that month, I dropped junk food and excessive carbs, as well as late night eating.  You know what else?  I started moving.  And I had some support: people who motivated me by talking to me about what they were doing, listening to what I was doing, and just being there.  They lifted me up when I was dragging, and they celebrated my successes with me when I was floating.  That kind of support from friends is instrumental for me.  Thank you so much Leslie, Haley, & Karen.   I got my ass in gear and I started doing The Shred – downloaded it right to my computer and did it almost every day.  I added in some Yoga, too.

And the real killer for me?  I went to bed at a decent hour more often than not.  It was like a sign of the Apocalypse.  Or flying pigs.  Or that monkeys streaming out of your butt thing.

But mostly, it was a whole heap of positive change in my life that both cleared my head and dropped pounds of fat off of my body.

I lost 15 lbs in just a couple of months.

Then I started traveling.  Oy!  Chicago first, then NC, and before I knew it I was drinking and eating excessively again, and not exercising.  And sleeping? Hah, what was that?  I was up into the wee hours again.  For some reason, I love the wee hours.

I was still making half-assed efforts to exercise once I got back home, but it wasn’t adding up because I was being really inconsistent, and the other bad habits were still hanging on, blossoming even.

By mid-September, I was saying, “hello again!” to the last 8lbs I had dropped.  (And by “hello again” I mean, “awwww, shit, you again? Damn.”)

But I was in a funk.  The sloth in me was in charge.

By mid-October I had reached a point again where I realized this crappy way of whipping myself back and forth has got to stop.

I called on the cavalry again:  I’ve got Haley, Leslie, and now Mishi motivating me in a Skype chat regularly (thank you, ladies! I love you.).  And I’m trying this novel concept: moderation!

I cut way back on drinking, but I still have one drink most nights.  Junk food is out again, and healthy food is in.  But “cheats?”  Oh yeah, they’re around about once a week.

I’m *trying* to go to bed at a decent hour (most nights, and sometimes I’m actually successful) and I’m moving again.  I’ve been doing different things to keep it fresh -  Shred, Yoga, Dance, Walking.  I’ve lost that ugly 8 I gained back, and then some.  I’m feeling better again… lighter, smoother, and quicker.

Just this week, I started pushing myself to jog and run.

And then a little birdie named Leslie got on my proverbial shoulder and whispered in my Skype Chat ear: “Fiiiiive Kaaaaaay?”

And I said, “What, me? Surely not.”

But later in the day I said, “Why not? I can do that.  I am *going* to do that.”

And that’s where I am right now.  In total, I’m down 21lbs (and counting!) from my May 09 top weight, and I’ve built some muscle.  It’s time to tone, train, and build endurance.  I have a plan, some tools, and at least one friend to do this with.  I’m about to bust crazy and go for something I’ve never attempted before.

And I’m not talking about going one whole day without saying, “fuckbuckles!” (What, you don’t say that every day?)

It’s time to train for a 5K, my friends.

I plan on leaving a little piece of my funk behind me with every step.

Totally triumphant. Or something.

You know what you should do if you’re trying really hard to lose weight?

You should work out regularly.  You should drink lots of water.  You should sleep at least 7 hours a night. (Don’t laugh, damnit, that’s the guideline!) *ahem*  You should eat meals that are balanced, high in lean protein and fiber.  You should eat several small meals a day rather than a few large ones.  Snacks are good.  Try to balance good carbs with protein for better digestion and fat burning!  Make sure you take a multi-vitamin, calcium and vitamin D.  Make sure you get enough Omega-3 and Omega-6 Fatty Acids in your diet.  You may even want to take a supplement.  You should not eat after the evening has worn on into the night.  No late eating!  This is a big one!  Seriously! Don’t eat late!  Go to sleep and get up and have breakfast.

And totally, if you have a hard time with this, just drink water when you want to eat.  Keep reminding yourself mentally why you are doing this! Say it out loud if you have to!  It will make you feel better, look better, and be more healthy!  It will make your body work better, and last longer!  You CAN be successful and if you just kick your will power into high gear you CAN make it all the way through a very long night when you really really really really really really want to eat something late by keeping on telling yourself, “NO, NO, YOU CAN DO THIS! DON’T EAT ANYTHING!”

And when 1am hits and you have been successful at not eating anything all night long you can feel totally triumphant and know that you are doing something great for your mind and body!

So great, in fact, that you should celebrate by eating some ice cream.

BECAUSE YOU’RE A TOTAL TURDBAG.  GAH!!!

PS: It was only a few spoons, at least.

PPS: But it was so damn good, dude.  Mmmm.

PPPS: And I had no right being awake at 1am, either, by the way.

Could you get right on that, Eclipse and Orbit? Thanks!

When I wrote recently about how I’m re-motivated to attack my fat rolls, get in shape, and lose some more weight, some of you said, “Me too!” and others said something like, “Tell us how it goes, we need encouragement!”

So, um, I’m going to keep you updated on how I’m doing and what’s working for me, and you can chime in and let me know the same.  In this way, I get held accountable by all of you to actually keep doing this!

It’s really very easy to sit on the couch and eat popcorn and M&Ms.  Eating healthy all day (or rather, just NOT EATING ALL DAY LONG) and keeping myself moving is the hard-to-do thing!

Since the last post I wrote about all this, I’ve actually hung out with Billy Blanks 4 times.  Yes, I know that is a small number of times to write on a page this big.  But I actually feel REALLY triumphant about it, because I wanted to give up EVERY TIME and I DIDN’T. (I also had to wait out a nagging lower back pain - remember to listen to your body when it tells you to wait a couple days!)

I still fall on my face at least 5 and a half times each time I try to do all the stuff Billy’s doing, but at the end when he says he loves me, it makes me all gushy and stuff.  And the bruises really do fade away after a couple of days if you make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D and K.  So, you know, I keep at it.

The cool thing is that I actually am getting better at that crazy Tae Bo crap, and I’m able to complete more of the video each time.  When I get winded, I grab a glass of water, sit on the edge of the couch, and keep moving my arms and legs while I sip the H20.  That keeps me hydrated and gives me a little time to catch my breath while I’m still keeping my body moving (any movement is better than none).  When I feel stronger again, I jump right back in with what Billy’s doing and keep at it.  There is no shame in this!  In fact, practicing this type of acceptance about what your body is currently able to do will help you actually stick with the program long enough to see results and improve your performance over time.  So don’t ever feel bad about listening to your body.

I have yet to re-attack Miss D’umo specifically.  But you just wait.  I am going to do that before long, and I will make sure to post pictures for all you lovely people.

My snacking curb tip for right now is that I drink a ton of water and I chew gum.  It really actually helps dispel some of the pointless snacking I want to do.  (As for meals, I’ve been eating stuff like this.)

If only they’d come out with ChocolateCakewithWhiteIcing flavored sugarless gum, then my life would be complete.

What works for you?

Second time’s a charm?

Once upon a time, I completed a workout video called “Drop it with Dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I tried.  I really did.  The outcome was less than victorious.

I was SUPPOSED TO make Tabitha D’umo my bitch.  I said I was going to, and all.

Well.

Dear Lotus,

Who’s who’s bitch now?  Have you counted your fat rolls lately?  Have you MEASURED them?  I think Kevin & Leroy are actually bigger than your entire head by now.  You = Loser.  You, officially, get a FAIL on Not Being A Fatass.

Love,
Tabitha “You’re MY Bitch” D’umo

Can you believe the nerve of that woman?  Totally classless.

But.  Um.  She might have a point.  I only tried to use her video a handful of few times twice once after that first time.

And while I’ve done a few halfassed other workouts, there really has been no consistent effort to be physically fit, as I was hoping there would be.

And I have alllll kinds of excuses why, but really, it all boils down to one thing: Motivation.  If you’re motivated, the excuses just don’t deter you.  They aren’t good enough to stop you.

“My kid just won’t let me alone long enough for me to exercise!”

Um, naptime?  Bedtime?  Locking your kid in the closet for 30 minutes time?

“I’m just so tired that when I have time to myself, I can’t bring myself to exercise.”

News Flash!  If you’d exercise, you’d be tired LESS often.  (Funny how that works, huh?)

“I’m just so busy, there really is no time for exercise, honest!”

Now that’s just bullshit, sorry.  If you’re committed to something, you can find time.  Make time, even.

There are about 23,475,869 things on my To Do List that I am behind on, on a regular basis.  But 30 minutes?  Come on, just 30 minutes every other day?  We can find this, right?  Even if we have to get up 30 minutes earlier?  (Please do not wish me physical harm for suggesting that.)

You know what’s really motivating?  When you step on the scale and discover that you keep gaining weight (what, there’s no cap on how high that number is allowed to get?  crap).  Or when your “fat jeans” get tighter and tighter, threatening to become your “skinny jeans.”  FYI: your “fat jeans” are NOT ALLOWED to become your “skinny jeans.”

How about when you’re just.so.tired alllll the time, and holy flying pigs, did part of my side just fold over and touch itself?  Oh.My.Gah.

I, who never makes New Year Resolutions, actually made a resolution this year, and halfway through the year, I am totally getting a Big, Fat F on that.

I WILL NOT BE OUTSMARTED BY MY MUFFIN TOP, DAMNIT!

So today, I attempted the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Cardio workout DVD for the second time.  And HELL NO I am not able to hang with it for the entire time yet.  But I was incredibly surprised and pleased that I was still alive when it was over.  Both times, I have fully been prepared to die.  I had my will in order and everything.

I’m going to try several things in the coming weeks and see what happens.  Regular exercise (*whimper*), no more late eating (and I LOVE me some late eating), and actually sleeping at least 7 hours a night (is this possible?).

Revolutionary ideas, to be sure.

PS: Tabitha, I’m coming for you, whore.

Dance your way… dead.

I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).

Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha.  Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous.  I? cannot get my groove on.  Period.  I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.

It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON.  After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.

In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.

But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!

Ohhh, Braden.  Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them.  Isn’t that yucky?

Ok. I’m ready, I think.  But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.

No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!

No shoes. Not ready!

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!

No, wait.  I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!

DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?

WTH.  She wants me to do what???

Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?

Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…

OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???

(Or did I just fart?)

Ok.  Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side.  THIS?  Just makes me want to commit homicide.

Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.

No. I was wrong, this IS so bad.  How do those cooters do this crap so fast?

Let me try one more time.

No, it was like this…

Ugh.

Braden and I decided that we both really like this kind of exercise a lot better.

My favorite part was near the end.  When Tabitha D’umo said, “Are you tired!? Well, I don’t care! Keep going!”

Oh.Tabitha.No.You.Di’nt.

That skinny b*tch…

Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”

That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:

Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?

(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices.  Please.)

*

And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*

Just ridiculous…

And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!

That stupid, skinny b*tch.

Kevin & Leroy?

They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.

They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.

Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.

I hear you crying, my backfat buddies.  And it sounds so sweet to me.

I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!

PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.

Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):

What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.

Keep in mind….

Things to keep in mind while trying to evict Kevin & Leroy:

1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.

2. Drink lots of water every day.
While coffee may be made using water, it does not count.

3. Healthy fats are things like avocado and olives, not doughnuts eaten while standing on or near a treadmill.

4. You will not turn into a Gremlin if you eat after midnight.
Your posterior will multiply to such degree, however, that even Gremlins will avoid being seen in public with you.

5. It is good to set goals.
It is NOT good to celebrate every hour that passes without gluttony by eating a piece of cake.
Or pie.

6. Increasing the amount of fiber in your diet will help you feel full.
Drinking large amounts of Metimusil is not the way to do this.  Your toilet will not like you.

7. Vegetables are your friend.
Do not just “visit” them at the store, asking them how their day was.  You actually need to take them home….

8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate.  No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.

9. Apples are good for you.
Apple pie does not count.  The same goes for sweet potatoes and pumpkins.

10. Eating a full breakfast early in the morning is a great way to jump-start your metabolism.
12.01am might technically be “the next day,” but it is not the time for breakfast.  Also, chips and salsa is not breakfast.

11. You should aim to get in shape.
“Round” is not an acceptable shape.

12. I cannot stress how important it is to hydrate.
Put down the potato chips. I did NOT say carbo-hydrate.

13. Running after a Toddler will actually help you burn calories.
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….