In the rain.

I like rain.  I am opposed to the idea that it means you can’t still enjoy being outside.

I wrote a poem about it last year.

Braden loves to play in the rain.

He always has, and I’ve always allowed it.

I recently enjoyed running in the rain during a tropical storm for a couple of days. In Texas, any run without the hot, beating hell of the sun is pretty much awesome, though.

Last night we chose to eat at a Tex-Mex place for dinner – Chuy’s.  They have good food and margaritas, and there’s a fun patio with room for kids to run around in the grass and play.  We love sitting on the patio there.

Apparently, we’ll even do it in the rain.

There was only one other family out there. They were laughing at the whole thing, having a good time, too. I kind of think we should have gotten their number.

What do you like to do in the rain?

Bewb Fest ’10 – Call for Submissions!

It’s that time of year, my friends.  Oh, yes.

I’m calling the bewbs out to play.

We’re going to use our chests to fight breast cancer, my friends.
(see below for details.)

It’s time for BEWB Fest 10!

Bewb Fest ’10 is waiting in the wings, just around the corner, and that means you need to dress up those tatas in their best ‘ready for my close-up’ threads and send me a photo.

Confused?  Visit the Bewbs Page on my website and scroll down to the links about Bewb Fest.  There you can ogle all the fantastic photos read up on the history of Bewb Fest.

Last year, a separate MEWBs Category was added and this tradition will continue.  What are MEWBS? Man Boobs, Pecs, Male Chest… get the idea?  As long as I get at least 3 entries for MEWBs, we’ll have this category again.

All sizes and types of BEWBs/MEWBs are welcome and appreciated here.

That means don’t you dare say yours aren’t good/large/whatever enough.

Yes. They. Are.

So get out your camera and photograph your dirty pillows, ladies. Shine up that lens and snap a good one of your pec area, dudes.

And then send those suckas to me via bewbfest@gmail.com

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Rules for Photo Submission:

1. BEWBs need to be tastefully covered in some way. This ain’t no nipple show, ladies. Sorry.

2. Yes, it is okay to send a breastfeeding photo, if you still fall within all the other rules. Bewbs are hawt AND functional, and there needn’t be a separation in those instances.

3. MEWBs can be covered or uncovered. Yes, we are all about double standards here at BEWB Fest. Deal with it or #suckit.

4. Please send me only ONE photo of your BEWBs/MEWBs. I know you are a gifted photographer, and your chestal area looks awesome from many angles. Choose your favorite and send me that one.

5. Please make sure your photograph is no larger than 550px wide, and no smaller than 300px wide. Please, good quality.

6. No text anywhere on the photo, please!

7. I’m sure your face is what dreams are made of. Let us dream. NO CONTESTANT FACES IN PHOTOS!

8. Your email to bewbfest@gmail.com should include: your photo, your preferred name/screen identity, your blog name and URL (if you have one)

9. No submissions accepted after July 10, 2010. Don’t put it off until the last minute!

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Prizes!

Oh, and are you wondering what the winners of this year’s Bewb/Mewb Fest will be receiving as a prize for their hard work willingness to let us have a gander? You’re probably dying to know.  Well…

Lingerie.com, Bare Necessities, and Eden Fantasys are sponsoring Bewb Fest ’10 – click over to the Sponsors/Prizes Page to find out the awesome details!

And because bewbies are not only fun to look at, but also attached to women we’d all like to save (so that we can look at their bewbies some more because everyone deserves a chance to live as long as they possibly can), all Blogher ad revenue for the month of July will be donated to Susan G. Komen for the Cure®, “the world’s largest grassroots network of breast cancer survivors and activists.” It doesn’t have to be October for us to make donations, so if you can spare some dollah-dollahs, it’s a good cause to support in June or July, too. Please consider donating.

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I will take photo submissions through July 10, 2010. Voting will open on July 12, 2010 and run through July 21st.  The winners will be announced on July 22nd, 2010.

Now go go go, photograph those bewbies/mewbies!

And remember to tell your friends.

Still have questions?  Email me at bewbfest@gmail.com

Because it’s been far too long since you questioned my sanity.

<rambling post of awesomeness>

I have had way too much fun lately. In fact, I told John that I was pretty sure I’m going to die soon and this is The Universe’s way of saying, “Oh, hey, sorry about that…” ahead of time. A lot of times The Universe is a total dickhead, but I can imagine that maybe sometimes it gets bummed out about what a shit it is and tries to be cool to you to make up for it.

It’s kind of like how I pretend to be nice to John every once in a while when I realize I’ve been a total hole for months on end. Cause, you know, a few hours of not actually saying anything derogatory and smiling a lot can make up for endless weeks of torture and passive aggressive quips blended with just out and out aggressive combativeness and demanding, controlling, and manipulative domestic behavior.

God help him if he complains though; then I’m all, “DO YOU NOT REMEMBER THE TIME THAT I HANDED YOU A NAPKIN WHEN YOUR FACE WAS DIRTY? I BLEED FOR YOU, INGRATE.”

Or something. But, basically, I know not to push The Universe and all, because it’s just doing the best it can, damnit. Ya dig?

So. Yeah. The Universe is clearly trying to be nice to me because it feels bad about my impending doom.

Either that or it is going to plan such a fiery, explosive and painful ending for me that getting me all complacent and mellow first will make things that much funnier for the bastard when it all goes down.  The Universe is probably sitting in a dark room rubbing his hands together, and he’s all, “This stupid bitch has NO IDEA what’s in store for her, man.  It.is.going.to.be.EPIC.  I am totally going to photograph the look on her face and Twitpic it when she gets hers. MUAHAHAHAH.”

Um. Wow, The Universe just went from being a maybe, kind-of dickhead to a completely sadistic psychopath in my mind. I can’t say I’m surprised. I’ve been into the caffeine again. Also the wine. Maybe a little of the blow powdered sugar.

What the hell was the point of this post? Oh, yeah. I’ve been having fun lately – making new friends in our neighborhood, going out with girls I actually like, and generally, well, not being locked in my house like a socially inept, loser ho-bag.

That is, I’ve been pretending I’m not a socially inept, loser ho-bag, and nobody is on to the deception yet, so clearly I am up for the next Academy Award. (note to self: do not marry Jesse James any time soon)

Last Wednesday, in another installment of Happy Fun Times I Should Feel Guilty About (don’t worry, I got mine) I went to an Open House at Beleza Medspa with some lady friends: Blythe (Aka @Bejewell) and Leigh. We needed to learn about ways you can change what nature does to your body, and instead, make it all fake and HOT.

Apparently, Blythe and Leigh were getting drunk for free while they were waiting for me to arrive late (people start drinking to cope with the fact that they miss me, I’m that awesome) (either that or they drink to cope with the fact that I’m about to arrive) and once I got there, we went to a back room to find out about the process of having your facial skin turned from haggarific to Goddess Sheen of Awesometasticness.

This process is also known, to lesser degree, as Let’s Burn Your Ugly Face Off. You’ll only have to hide in a cave for about 4-6 days while all the skin flakes off as if you have some horrible and contagious disease. But after that? YOU WILL BE BEAUTIFUL. It’s a metamorphosis. You have to let your inner butterfly out… by KILLING THE SHIT OUT OF THAT CATERPILLAR we like to call your real face.

I kind of started getting scared as we were led down a hallway to a back room. Partly because we were walking in the opposite direction of the free wine, but also because I was worried about what was really about to happen. What if we ended up in a deep well being told “it puts the lotion on its skin?” IS THIS HOW THEY REALLY GET THE NEW SKIN THEY PROMISE TO PEOPLE?

It turns out we were just going to hang out with Nathan in a small room, drink, act like complete morons and listen to him tell us about all the products he could sell to us that are totally made of Fairy Dust and Unicorn Shit, and will therefore MAGICALLY MAKE YOU PRETTY. The before and after photos were really impressive, especially the one where the woman was definitely dead in the before photo and was just about to receive the crown for Miss America in the after photo.

What I’m saying is that this stuff that comes in a 1oz bottle and costs only slightly more than a new car (okay, maybe I’m exaggerating JUST A LITTLE BIT) will totally bring you back from the dead.

I bet Jesus used it. I mean, have you seen photos of him? His skin was far too lovely for a 30 something who was out in the raging sun without SPF all the time. Also, you know damn well that he was wearing color contacts – blue eyes, MY ASS. Easter should really be celebrated by rubbing expensive liquid shit on your face. (Or hiding colored eggs, maybe, because we all understand how that has anything to do with Jesus.)

*blank stare*

After we annoyed Nathan for some time by making sex jokes, asking if he could just make us pretty and skip all the intelligent, scientific explanations and photos, and just all around being obnoxiously hilarious, Nathan rubbed random products on us. I’m not sure exactly why, maybe to prove that it wouldn’t melt our skin on contact? We giggled a lot and then smelled it. Don’t you smell everything that a strange man rubs on your skin in the back room of a place where they ply you with alcohol and ask you for your personal information the moment you arrive? No?

Well, I don’t get you at all.

Anyway, I’m pretty sure that we were the most awesome people who were there that night, as evidenced by:

• our inability to just listen to Nathan, rather, interrupting every few seconds to make drunken jokes
• Blythe making her fingers kiss and say “I do” when Nathan put eye cream on them
• Leigh commenting about the hookers we were going to pick up later (what?)
• my responding to Nathan’s question about our lifestyle habits by saying (in a very charming manner, I’ll have you know) “I don’t smoke, my diet is good, I use SPF, but I drink LIKE A MOTHERFUCKER!!!, is that bad?”
• the fact that we considered just shoving the product in our purses and RUNNING LIKE HELL
• our inability to get more than 2 feet away from the place without loudly proclaiming over the Size XXL lips on Mega Procedures Woman (I may have thrown up in my mouth a little. I mean, really, your lips are NEVER SUPPOSED TO BE LARGER THAN YOUR ASS.)

Of course, then we went to a restaurant and ordered more drinks, because we were clearly far too sober to exist and more alcohol was necessary. Of course, just as we were all having the best time EVER I got this image as a text message from John:

at which time I immediately starting crying right into the nachos and possibly Blythe’s Margarita as well. There may have been snot on the fried green beans when it was all over. In case you were wondering, being notified of your child bashing his head apart all over your favorite Chik-Fil-A is just about the best way you can SOBER YOUR ASS RIGHT UP.

Leigh was all, “Uh, uh, I have to go pee!” and almost knocked the table over as she ran uncomfortably away, and Blythe was mostly like, “OH MY GOD. OH MY GOD. OH. MY. GOD.” Later, we all decided that John was a total shit for sending me that image with no text attached, and we all plotted his death.

[Watch your back, dude. These bitches don't play.]

Have I mentioned that I love Blythe and Leigh? No? Well, I do. They’re beyond awesome.

As we were leaving the restaurant, Blythe was all “I know you bitches are tipsy, neither of you has any kind of sense of direction, and you don’t really know where you are, but I hope you get home somehow, love ya, mean it” and dumped us in the parking lot and took off laughing. I was totally feeling like I might want to marry her right in that moment, and I’m sure you can understand those deep feelings.

And when Leigh was taking me home and suddenly said, “OH MY GOD WHAT THE FUCK IS THAT, A PEACOCK?!” I knew that she is just classy enough to be my new crush. (But yes, it was a fucking peacock. Have I not told you about the peacocks that live right by us? No? Well, guess what. Peacocks. Right across the street. And they are LOUD. There. Now you know.)

I am a little pissed off, in retrospect, because the whole reason I went to Burn Your Facial Skin Off So You Can Be Prettier Palace was so I could learn about having lasers shot at my armpits and vaginal area. And NOBODY TOLD ME ABOUT LASER BOMBING MY HAYHAY.

Totally robbed.

So, in summation:

• The Universe is a dick but at least it throws you a bone every now and then.
• The Universe is a dick and it will smash your kid’s head in while you’re having fun.
• Your lips should never be larger than your ass. NO, REALLY. (If they are, I DEMAND you start sitting on your face.)
• My cooter is still in need of laser action.
• Jesus wore color contacts and used skin care products.
• My blood is probably at least 90 Proof.
• John should really be sleeping with his pistol under his pillow.
• Blythe and Leigh = awesome and I might have sex with them some day while a peacock watches.

So, how have you all been lately?

</rambling post of awesomeness>

photo credit: Dan Kamminga / CC2.0

our regularly scheduled program will return after this brief period of bliss

I got this tiny bell in the HerStory Workshop today, at Blissdom. Isn’t it cute? Thanks to Aliza and Maya. The exercises they offered were thought provoking. And I discovered that the story of my life is entitled, “I haven’t screwed up too bad, yet. But give me time.” You’d buy it, right?

I also want to give giant props to the ladies who paneled the Writer’s Craft Workshop. I *thoroughly* enjoyed myself – what a great discussion. I had the beginnings of what I think is going to be a very good post in my hands when I walked out of that room Thursday evening. Thank you so much, Megan, Arianne, Deb, and Amber.

I’ll be heading back to the Opryland Hotel (can you say “friggin’ gorgeous?”) tomorrow morning and staying until Sunday (Weekly Winners may post late this week, but it will be up by Sunday sometime.)  Thank you so much, Monica & Bridget, for letting me share your hotel room.

Gotta go pack a bag now and get a little sleep before I hurry back over there tomorrow to hug on some more beeshes.

I love seeing so many women that I think the world of in one place.

Every time I hear a squee, an angel gets her wings.

Blogher Party Madness: The Room 704 Party, Beeshes

This post brought to you by the ever lovely Dawn, aka Kaiser Mommy and Victoria of VDog & Little Man, and Leslie of Mrs. Flinger… all from Room 704.

And if you’re not attending the conference? Scroll to the bottom – there’s a special message for you there from me.

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We are Queens of Procrastination here at Room 704, and the lovely ladies we align ourselves with love them some procrastination, too. SO. Without further ado, I present to you:

THE OFFICIAL ROOM 704 PARTY PIMPAGE POST (in its full glory):

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DRINKS sponsored by:

and

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And of course, drinks paid for by YOU!!!

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AWESOME swag from:

PLUS MANY, MANY MORE!!! (We can’t give away ALL our surprises! But oh yes! Eden Fantasys and GoGirl are BRINGIN’ IT.)

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Here’s how it’s going to go down – as best as we can tell anyway. Remember – we’re as transparent as saran wrap. No, we will not model the saran wrap for you.

10:30pm you will begin leaving the awesome People’s Party and making your way to “Java East.” Now, we are not encouraging you to dump another party for ours, NAY, we are encouraging you to make your way to us so the faboo ladies hosting the People’s Party can head on up to us as well, take a sigh of relief, relax, put their feet up and revel in a job well done; a party well thrown.

About the location – “Java East”….. oh Java East. Through a series of … interesting communications we have a very casual layout. We have easy accessibility, we have comfy couches…. we have a section of the first floor lobby. We feel for the people who decided *this* was a great idea, they’ll learn. They should consider themselves fortunate we are not decorating with inflatable penises …. Anyway. We will be very easy to find. Want to see it? Java East/Lobby Level/Sheraton Chicago. When it starts the 360 sweep and you see the fountain, hit pause. There is our area.

Hour One – 10:30pm-11:30pm

About the drinks: The first 200 people to make it to the bar at our party will get a tasty vodka drink on us. No tickets, no bracelets, whatever Hotel pricing for drinks is … WOW. So ask for your drinks without ice, and be sure to say big fat THANK YOUS to sponsors of *all* the parties at BlogHer. If you are potential sponsor reading this who would like to buy a round of drinks? Feel free to reach out to us at contact at room704 dot us. If you are still thirsty after our drinks run out, head to the ChiBar right next to us, get a drink and come back out to the party (yes, we’ve cleared that with the Sheraton big wigs, and yes, you can get “light fare” there too (aka FOOD) FYI).

About the swag: As a great big thank you to those who purchased ads from us — we are putting a sticker on a swag bag with your name on it. One bag per person, so yes, even if you ordered multiple ads/spots, it’s still gonna be one bag. Since we can’t figure out a good way to make sure you get a drink, we’ll make sure you get a swag bag. (We will also be posting the catalog at Room704 so everyone can see the awesome.) The rest of the bags will go out on a first come first served basis. If you would like a “vanilla” bag (i.e., one that doesn’t go “buzz” in the night) – be sure to grab one of the ‘ProtectABed’ bags and not the brown bags

Hour Two – 11:30pm-12:30am

You can continue to get drinks from the ChiBar – and we will begin our giveaways. We have a LOT to giveaway. A LOT. So be sure to drop us your card when you get to the party so you are entered! We plan to have a place set up between the columns in front of the fountains. We’ll be the ones in the purple feather boas.

At some point we will be pimping and honoring our special guests — Stefania Pomponi Butler, a “Very Clever Girl(tm),” aka CityMama, and Michelle Lamar, aka White Trash Mom, who will be selling & signing copies of her book, The White Trash Mom’s Handbook. So don’t forget to bring some cash money for your book (and to buy something from ANOTHER special guest, yet to be announced!).

Last but not least, if you would like the latest in the series of buttons for the party – here it is!

<center><a href=”http://room704.us/2009/07/the-party/” mce_href=”http://room704.us/2009/07/the-party/”><img border=”0″ src=”http://room704.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/handwritings2.png” mce_src=”http://room704.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/handwritings2.png”/></a></center>

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<center><a href=”http://room704.us/2009/07/the-party/” mce_href=”http://room704.us/2009/07/the-party/”><img border=”0″ src=”http://room704.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/bethere-146×300.png” mce_src=”http://room704.us/wp-content/uploads/2009/07/bethere-146×300.png”/></a></center>

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Editor’s Note: And for those of you not attending the Blogher Conference – we have not forgotten you! Blogher@Home has been set up to be chock full of giveaway sand fun times for those NOT attending the conference. And Room 704 (Purveyors of Swag!) has been putting together a very lovely Swag Opp for all the fabulous At Homes! So get in on the fun. Go here and sign up for your chance to win some awesome swag that we’ve rounded up from some amazing sponsors who care about you even if you can’t attend a conference.

Peace, beeshes. <3Lotus

Lazy douche goes to Ultimate Blog Party, Nashville.

Have you heard of The Ultimate Blog Party by 5 Minutes for Mom?

Probably so, because you are all much smarter, more hip, and in the know than I.

I hadn’t heard about it until my lovely friend Mrs. Fussypants invited me to the physical version of one going on here in Nashville.

No offense to 5M4M, it’s just that I never know what the hell is going on anywhere until someone clues me in.  I’m a super idiot spazz braindead moron cutting edge on-the-fly kinda girl like that.

That didn’t even make any sense. But let’s pretend like it did.

Point? I’m heading over to Malia‘s house Monday evening, where the Nashville Ultimate Blog Party is being held, to embarrass myself at yet another internet-related IRL Event. And I’m forcing my husband to come with me, because I heard there MIGHT be a LITTLE wine there and if there is? I get to have some. And that means he gets to drive.

Sarcastic Mom does not endorse drunk, buzzed, or tipsy driving.

Get thy drink on safely.

You know, what I really meant to say is that if he didn’t come with me, I’d miss him a lot and be miserable. Yeah, that’s it.

And I didn’t just correct myself for fear of losing frequent foot rubs and after-dinner dish cleanup by the hus.

And by the way, it’s also totally not just so he can babysit Braden while I blab and gab and act like a super doof.

Really. It’s not.

Our bond is thick and dear and we cannot bear to be apart for even short periods of time.

Yeah. You don’t even believe me, do you? You damn people have gotten too smart.

So, Monday night I get to leave the house in the evening (*gasp*), possibly have a drink, hang out with other bloggers (score) and listen to the lovely Leslie Mills perform.

I hear tell that we are supposed to be prepared to be interviewed, so I’ll be washing the bottom of my shoes on the off chance that I’ll be sticking one of my feet in my mouth.

You laughed when I said “off chance.” Seriously. Stop being so damn smart.

This post really was the dumbest way to virtually introduce myself to anyone visiting from the UBP, but hey, might as well make it clear from the get-go that I am clueless, moronic, lazy, irresponsible, and can’t be expected to follow rules.

By the way, apparently there are prizes to be won if you follow all the rules and post something/link in by March 27.  Or something like that.  I got a bit confused.  I think you have to comment on at least 832 blogs to enter.  What?  I don’t remember, but it sounded cool.  For people who have energy and are not Big Fat Lazy Douches.

Just give me my wine, and I will be okay.

If you can’t have it all, take a little.

My fingers are cold.
Upstairs my child is sleeping.
I’m down here alone.

Thermostat set low
in the hopes that next power
bill will be lower.

My toes are so cold.
There’s work to do; I’m too tired -
Emotionally.

A short drive from here
women are laughing, playing.
Warm, happy, together.

Here, it is quiet.
I sit still on the couch and
ignore my numb toes.

Perhaps, in the morn
I’ll join them very briefly.
Just a quick warm up.

I Gots The Feevah

Thanks so much for all the kind words, prayers, and sweet things so many of you said to me (us) on yesterday’s post! It was a real treat for me to come home yesterday afternoon and see so many wishing us well… and to keep seeing those well wishes and kind comments coming in later in the day. You guys are a wonderful group of friends that I can celebrate my joys with as well as find support from during the bad times. It means so much to me, I don’t feel I can express it adequately.

(Look, the newly pregnant woman is getting emotional… no one saw that coming, eh?)

I mentioned coming home to see the comments… that is because in the morning, John and I packed Braden up and met some fabulous Nashville bloggers for some of child-filled fun at the Zoo!

Malia got us all to drag our carcasses away from our computers for awhile (now that is power), and I’m really glad she did, because it’s been too long since I saw those lovely ladies!

I took my camera with me, fully planning on taking pictures of their lovely faces.

Instead, I got infected with “baby love.” Sorry ladies, I gots the feevah!

Little Jeremiah (Alli’s newest addition)

The Tiny, Lovely Tessa (Michelle’s brand new sweetie)

Tessa’s big sister was close by, and she was not to be left out, which was fine by me… she is incredibly beautiful…

Sabrina

But seriously, I couldn’t stop eyeballing the babies…

Baaaaaaaabbeeeeeeeees.

*dreamy sigh*

I have to wait 9 whole months again, right? *grooooaaaaan*

*fart*
(sorry.)