Step two is crucial, really.

It wouldn’t be Christmas without this wonderful How-To from everyone’s favorite gifters.

There really is no occasion you can’t brighten with a dick in a box. And really, it would be nicer than getting a pap smear for Christmas or Hanukkah, right?

Also available on YouTube.

Merry Christmas to you all. May you find love and joy (and maybe even some genitals wrapped in pretty bows) today and for the rest of this season.

A transformation.

It’s a ring.

When I’m asked what Christmas gift I remember the most, this ring is the first image that surfaces in my mind. One of the most beautiful opals I have ever seen sits like a regal queen atop a shining, golden band. On each side of her, like ladies in waiting, is a tiny diamond, twinkling playfully.

I am not obsessive about jewelry. I appreciate things of beauty, and with these types of decoration I tend to gravitate towards simplicity.

I had never before received expensive jewelry from a lover. I had never really desired it, to be honest. Regardless of that, I found this piece perfect. When I opened the box, I was floored and pleased.

It is beauty, basic and true. I loved it immediately, and still do.

A person special to me worried over the selection of this ring. He had labored over this choice, and this ring had spoken to him.

While it is certainly true that the ring is stunning, that is not why it is my most memorable gift. There is magic in my memory of this gift, but it is not because I received the ring on Christmas day.

The real magic lies in what it later became – an engagement ring. The man who painstakingly chose that gift for me did not know that later I would switch the hand on which the Queen Opal rode, as promise to marry him.

My most memorable Christmas gift was a pretty, shiny adornment that later transformed into a symbol of love, basic and true.

Beautiful.

******

Today’s post is my answer to The Gift, a writing challenge at {W}rite-of-Passage.

The following people took the challenge, too.

I was going to write about VD today, but I like this one better.

It’s Valentines Day.

I’m thinking of him today,
as I always will on this day.

He is so special to me.

I cherish…

The way it feels when he holds my hand.
The soft caress of his fingers on my cheek.
That special smell that is only his.

I love him in a way that I will never love anyone else.

When he sings to me my heart fills with joy.
Dancing with him is divine.

There’s something so intimate about sitting alone in the dark with him, his arms wrapped around me.

Every time he tells me he loves me, everything else is swept away.

I would do anything for him.

He is bound to me for eternity.

My son.

On this day, 3 years ago, I found out I was pregnant.

I will never receive a more profound, meaningful, or loved gift.

I hope you can all remember to find meaning and love, too, wherever it waits for you in your lives.

No matter what day it is.

The Ghost of Crotchmas Past

I am far too much of a lazy douche to give you an original post today.***

Instead, I give you last year’s Merry Crotchmas photo:

MERRY CROTCHMAS TO YOU ALL, MAH BELOVED BEESHES.




psssst… keep clicking….

***Mail all angry rants to me at:
Lotus “Lazy Douche” Carroll
1234 Like I Give A Shit Trl
Nashville, TN 56789

The Elves Came Early

They told some of my friends to send me things… they all chose things that would comfort me… how did they know? Now these are good friends…

Like my Cheese, Fruit & Cookies-Giving Friend…

She even put in presents for Braden to keep him distracted.


Or my Coffee-Giving Friend…

Gorgeous Tumbler and Charged Card so I can buy coffee and get free internet access at Starbucks. Me time!
*faints*


Or how about my Beautiful Soaps & Chapsticks-Giving Friend?

This was so perfect for me… I have a chapstick addiction. Do you know what I mean? Anyone?


And who can overlook my Chocolate & HooHaa Care-Giving Friend?

Gotta love a pad with BEWBS drawn on the wrapper. Also? Don’t touch my Russell Stover German Black Forest Truffle or you will draw back a nub.

And then I will rip off your nub and bludgeon you with it.

Yes, it’s that serious.


So, Nub Bludgeoning aside… would you be willing to give me a gift? Do me a favor right now and gift me this Christmas by doing something for someone else.

It’s really easy; all you have to do is click a link.

That’s right. I want you to click a link. Until the end of December, every time you click this link, or load any of the other pages on that website, you help earn ad revenue, 100% of which will be donated to a non-profit charity called “To Write Love on Her Arms.” (You can check the charity out here.  Make a donation, buy a shirt.  I’m going to buy a shirt… I’ll post photos of me in it later, even.)

They are “dedicated to presenting hope and finding help for those struggling with depression, addiction, self-injury, and suicide.”

So, from a person depressed as she’s ever been this Christmas, please click. Click as many times as you feel moved to click, between now and the end of December 2008.

If you click right now, leave a comment on that post, then come back to me and tell me you did it.  It’s like my Christmas present. But even if you don’t feel like coming back, just click anyway, ok?

Merry Christmas, to all of you. And thank you.

Of Junk, and Boxes

I need a little break from my sorrow.  You do, too.

Time for a favorite amusement of mine around this time of the year. 
I think I might just post this Every.Single.Year.

Perfect gifting solution for today’s economy, right?

You’ve got less than a week now, fellahs.  So buy that box and get out yer scissors.

Haiku To Help Ivy

UPDATE

Ivy has received the treatment! Click here to read the post where her mother announced it.
Thank you to all who posted about this and signed the petition! The internet can be used for good!
*********

This little girl needs
treatment because she’s always
in the hospital.

She is young, vibrant.
You can see the life in her
eyes, the sweetness, love.

Only two years old,
she has been in hospitals
countless, painful times.

Her story is one
that no child her age should have.
Sickness. Blisters. Pain.

Her immune system
does not do the job for her
that it really should.

She misses out on
things that little kids her age
should get to enjoy.

You can help her… She
needs treatment that’s being denied.
Sign the petition.

Her mom wants her to
have treatment so she’ll have a
chance at normal life.

Please don’t turn away.
Help her. It costs you nothing.
The worth is priceless.

A few moments, place
your name on the document,
her life could improve.

Thank you, in advance.
Thank you for helping this child
turn her back on pain.

Merry Crotchmas

Keepin it light, so I’ll give you a brief tour of our Christmas with pictures.

A taste of Christmas Eve Activities.

An idea of how spoiled Braden is.

Breakfast.

Test Drive!

Fire Engine Siren Testing.

Tootsie Adoration Moment.

Taking a Break.

The Posse Ventures Outside.

After that, Momma’s trigger finger kind of went numb.

This was the best Christmas I can remember in a long, long time. Having a child really brings the magic back to the day. I think he had a lot of fun today. I know I sure did. He’s fast asleep and I look fondly at these pictures now. I hope your day was as great as ours was.

Oh, and John still has one more present to unwrap…

Merry Crotchmas!