Posts Tagged god
I close my eyes.
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Love, Mental/Emotional, Miscarriage on January 19, 2009
I close my eyes at night and the blackness that stares back at me from inside my eyelids is deep and dark. I know my eyelids are right there. But if I didn’t… well, I wouldn’t. And then it would just seem like… Endless Dark.
It’s what I imagine it must be like inside a uterus.
Disconnected from the day, and staring into the black nothingness, I can’t help but start to feel like I’m floating. You know, as if I’m in some kind of fluid.
My thoughts drift. I realize that I have no real knowledge of what is sustaining me, only beliefs… feelings.
I just am.
I sense there is someone out there – very close, but in another sense, so far still. Someone who loves me, whom I do not yet really know. Someone who wanted me; someone who is waiting patiently to meet me.
My heart is beating but, after some time, I start to feel very tired and weak. I have the sense I am fading.
I still feel, but it’s so dark, and getting darker.
Suddenly there is nothing.
In the morning, I wake again, and I get to open my eyes. I see the world around me and time marches on.
I get to keep going. I continue to be.
I hope that they are somewhere where their eyes have opened unto the most beautiful sights they could ever dream of, and that when I get there to join them, they are bursting with stories of all the things I’ve missed while they were waiting patiently to meet me.
My Wiggle Bean
Theme for December 15th, 2007: “Small”
March, 21 2006. The first time we ever saw Braden James Carroll. And he was, indeed, very small – about an inch long. The picture says,”9 weeks, 2 days.” That is actually the time since the start of the last period I had had at the time. It had actually been 7 weeks and 2 days since Braden had been conceived.
He was not even a full 2 months old. Just 7 weeks. And his little heart was beating. I saw it.
Seeing my son for the first time since I had learned that he was alive inside of me was an experience which sparked a feeling in me that I cannot find the words to describe. Such emotion washed over me as to literally take my breath away. It was something like having a part of your brain and your soul that was dead for your whole life just suddenly awakening and coming to life.
He did a little wiggly, squirmy dance for us while we were looking at him. From that day on, we called him “Wiggle Bean.”
I thank God for my Wiggle Bean. No matter how big he gets, I will always remember how he was once so small, and yet he was more important to me than the whole world. And always will be.
Tagged Like Gangbusters
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Humor, Links, Miscellaneous Blabbering on November 22, 2007
It’s Thanksgiving… are you sitting in front of the computer with your pants unbuttoned, trying not to fall asleep from Food Coma or are you still dreaming of Gorging To Come? I hope your guts are/will be overflowing with turkey and gravy and such. If you’re gassy, open a window, I don’t want you stinking the place up.
That’s my job.
To say I was tagged for the “7 Random Things About You” Meme would be an understatement. It would, in fact, be like saying that Britney Spears is just a lil’ bit skanky.
(When I wrote that, I thought, “She’s a lil’ bit Skank-try, she’s a lil’ bit Rock ‘n Whore.” I amuse myself greatly.)
I was lovingly tagged by:
Christine @ Sippy Cupys and Blackberries
Anitra @ I Love a Kiwi
MountainMama @ Careful What You Wish For
Michelle @ Creative Treasures
Suzanne @ Suzanne Says
Emily @ E Flo
Adena @ Mother Thoughts
Elissa @ Random Ramblings From E
Siri @ Siri’s Corner
Michelle @ Babbling and Mumbling From an Otherwise Cognitive Crafter
Dawn @ Alex Year One
Yolanda @ Callipygian Chronicle
Grand Weepers and Grim Reapers
Christi @ Blah Blah Blog
Alison @ RDH Mom
1. My hands and fingers peel when the seasons change. I am not making this up. I have NO IDEA WHY. But it always happens. Maybe there’s snake somewhere in my lineage.
2. I have an inverted uterus. It’s all flipped the wrong way inside me. Kinky!
3. English was not solely my first language. I spoke both Swiss-German and English when I began talking. A first sentence was, “Muetti hat ein kopf!” Translation? “Mommy has a head!” Newsflash: I’ve always been a moron.
4. I used to be a hopeless drunk. I gave up drinking for good in February 2007.
5. I have actually become so enraged that I punched myself in the head to avoid hitting anyone else. I’m a genius like that.
6. I believe in God, and I don’t think He minds the fact that I don’t pretend to be perfect.
7. I have a disgusting mole on my lower back that grows hair. It might even have a leg by now. I am going to have it removed and get a tatoo of a lotus flower, once I’ve had all my babies. Problem is, I don’t know how many babies I want anymore!
I was also tagged for a “5 Things” meme by Kelly @ Kellyology, so I’ll just tack those on here.
8. I’ve been missing my husband A LOT this month. He’s been gone “making the donuts” more than usual.
9. My home has been INSANELY dirty and disorganized lately. It’s seriously been worse than it has ever been, and this entire past week it has literally been making me feel sick. I can’t seem to find the energy to get it in gear and clean the mother up.
The thing that’s growing out of the pile of junk in my bedroom keeps making sexual innuendos at me, too, and I just don’t feel safe sleeping in there unless John’s home.
10. My face is quite asymmetrical. See?
11. I have seen a golf cart fly over a hill and down into a pond in the middle of the night. I have had to jump out of it before it completed the journey. I have rolled down the hill, watching the cart fly to its final destination. I have looked at the faces of the others, and laughed so hard I thought I would die. I have been ashamed and yet proud of this story.
12. My real first name is Lotus. It’s a flower. My real middle name is Siva. It’s a Hindu God. My real maiden name is Wuensch. It means “wish.” I am a candidate for “Most Freaking Hippy Name In The Universe.”
And to make this qualify for Thursday Thirteen! (I am so delighfully cunning!):
13. If you would love to read even more useless trivia relating to me, I actually did a Meme very similar to this one back on September 14. It was my very first “tag” event, actually. It’s a “10 Things” Meme, and it’s HERE.
And I’m going to risk pissing off the internet gods of the blogging world by *gasp* NOT TAGGING ANYONE (consider this your Thanksgiving present, likely suspects).
Besides, I have no idea if there is even anyone left who hasn’t done this one. This meme has run rampant through the blogging world during NowBlowSomeGoats kind of like stupidity and apathy does in the general population on any given day. What?
Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. Peace Out.
Wanna see more Thursday Thirteen?
Waking for Braden
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Love, Mental/Emotional, My Son, Parenting on October 5, 2007
Last night I awoke, at about 4:30 am, to mildly-annoyed-baby-whine sounds. Listening to the monitor intently for a moment, tapping into that special Baby Sound Meanings-Deciphering Super Power us mommies have, I decided Braden must be half asleep, but missing his paci.Sometimes, the sounds say, “I miss my paci… but it’s not a big deal, and in a few seconds, I’m gonna murmur off, back into deep sleep without it.” When they say that, I roll over and go back to sleep.
Sometimes the sleepy sounds say, “Uh-oh. I miss my paci. While I sound pretty deep asleep still, right now, if it doesn’t jump in my mouth soon, things are going to change pretty quickly.” When they say that, I’ve learned to get up quickly, walk quietly, search furtively, find the paci and plug the hole.
Of course, sometimes they say, “OMG, I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE QUIET, SLEEPY SOUNDS AT ALL! I JUST WOKE UP, MY PACI IS GONE, AND WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT INTO DEFCON-5! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are the nights when I really, really wish I hadn’t given up the sweet, sweet alcohol. (Because getting drunk while rocking a child back to sleep for the next seventy-eleven hours is a good idea. ? )
So, anyway, while I was standing by his crib reaching into the corner to retrieve The Paci, the soft glow of his crib-side light gave me one of those sweet glimpses of my Nighttime Braden. He was nestled near the corner of the crib right next to me, on his back, sleepily rubbing at one eye, with both eyes still shut. His blonde hair was falling back softly from his forehead. He had that, “I’m an angel in dinosaur pajamas” look. I sighed as I put the paci back into his little mouth, and listened to his sleepy, happy sucking sounds.
Back in bed, I spoke to him in my head for a few minutes.
“Braden, you have amazed me just recently.
I can’t believe how much you JUST changed on me again. I can’t believe how often you are talking to me, and that you’re asking me QUESTIONS!
I can’t believe that you can RUN and point at things and ask me, “Ish?” (this?) and “Wah-DAHT?”
I can’t believe that you spit out large paragraphs of garbled baby-language about the things I identify for you.
Braden, I’m just amazed by you and I don’t know how to tell you that. I still can’t believe that God decided to let you live with me.
But, you know what, Braden?
I hope He never changes His mind.”
Yeah, I know, lists/ugh. I've always been bad at accepting compliments, and this is no different. I was surprised and honored by this - someone thinks I've done a good job. Icky Listness aside, that makes me smile. :-)lotus works
lotus supports
lotus is impressed by her friends
lotus digs
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