Did I mention that the chocolate cake was AWESOME?

It’s not hard to make the people who mean something to you feel special.

But it can be easy to forget to do it regularly.  I know that a lot of people don’t like Mother’s/Father’s Day because of the excessive commercialization.  I’m not really bothered by that aspect of it – that the days are advertised and talked about just means I’ll remember to send something to the woman who spent hours playing in the sun with me, and the man who taught me how to love a garden.

That’s quite alright with me.

Yesterday, John let me play outside without worry, as he took care of household duties.  I mowed the lawn and played with my flower beds.  I watched him and Braden play together, talking of birdies and such.  It was really lovely.  (The chocolate cake I got to cram into my facehole last night wasn’t bad either.)

I can’t say I didn’t spend considerable time off and on thinking about things related to Mother’s day that are sad and which have no emotional or logical resolution that I know of right now.  Things related to what is and what is not, what could have, would have, should have been.  For myself.  For others.

But I also spent a lot of time being aware of what I have and being grateful.

And, you know, eating that chocolate cake.  Layered with chocolate mousse.  *drool*

And while I enjoyed my day, I knew that there was a photo magnet and card from Snapfish in my mom’s hands, and the same for John’s mom.  I know that even if I’m too much of a distractible, lazy douche to let them know every day, at least right now those two moms know I appreciate them.

I have a few things stashed away for June 21 (Father’s Day), too.  Snapfish also helped with that.  And there’s a $50 giveaway over here from them you can enter to get a jump start on your gifts, too.  You can thank me later. (With Chocolate Tall Cake from Ruby Tuesdays.  Just, you know, if you were wondering.  IT’S GOOD.)

Once more, for good measure.

Long time readers will
remember the story of
our last, moldy house.

What a trial that was!
We have been in this new home
for a whole year now.

I could never say
thank you enough times to those
who helped us get out.

To all of you who
stepped in to help us move then
and are still around

I want you to know
that I think grateful thoughts of
each of you often.

And now we’ve got a
whole year of new memories
in a better home.

So much has happened
in this year that has now passed.
It’s remarkable.

March 2008………………………………………………………………………………………………………….March 2009

So, once more I say
Thank you, Thank you, Thank you all
Thanks so very much.

Trying hard every day to heed my own advice.

Today’s Photohunt Theme is “Thankful”

July, 2008

It’s a word that causes cliche
to flood through my mind and still
those things I cherish and value
can’t be labeled as cliche and tossed aside

I hold him and him dear; they are my world
Things happen in life to make you realize
that every day with the blessing of love
ticks by so fast, if we let it

It is easy to sing a song of pain
and hold on to heartache
It is easy to ignore love as
the way things should be

Let the cliches fill your mind
let yourself get caught up in the meaning
the word evokes in you
Be thankful

And live it.

Introducing… FUZZBALL!

That’s right, you get to see the inside of my uterus. And MAN are you excited. I just know it. Because, really, how damn sexy is that? You’re looking into one of my reproductive organs. RAWR, BABY.

Just what the heck are you looking at? Well, it has to be one of the worst ultrasound pictures I’ve ever seen, but hey, let’s not worry too much about that. It was a “mini-ultrasound,” and frankly, after thinking I was just going to be hearing the heartbeat via fetal doppler, it was quite a treat for us to see Fuzzball live and in person. (Yes, that is now the baby’s official nickname and I think it’s quite obvious why.)

We saw the baby’s heart beating on Monday, friends and loved ones.

And if I even try to tell you how that made me feel… if I try to illustrate for you with words how over the moon I was… how relieved and happy and just so totally on the opposite side of the pain and anguish I was fearing I would experience in a quiet moment of seeing nothing, hearing nothing, and getting the news I was so afraid of… if I tried to explain to you how my heart was so full of thankfulness to be seeing that tiny little musclie organ woosh-wooshing away at 180bpm… if I took the time to stumble around for the right words to do that…

…well, I might just be crying.

And no one needs to see that. Boogers and snot and all that mess.

Fuzzball’s strong and healthy so far, friends. Amen.

Sparkle On!

Here’s hoping your weekend kicks ass, guys.

Braden and I will be playing with these:

Also, eating hotdogs, playing outside, and just generally hanging out together.  On Saturday, John will join us in our merriment.  There is much to be thankful for.  Like anytime the 3 of us are together.  That’s pretty sublime.

Can you believe that is the most recent picture of the 3 of us together? That’s from October, for cryin’ out loud!?  Who thinks we should take a new one on Saturday?    *raises hand*

 

If you have any downtime this weekend and feel like reading: yesterday’s post is here, and there’s one I’m excited about here, too.   (*school-girl-type squeal*)

Comments on either/both are appreciated… as always ( b/c I’m an Attention Whore, I’ll admit it freely).

By the way, thanks so much to all of you who already hopped over there and read, and BIG thanks to those who commented! You even had to do MATH to leave a comment there. And that’s just above and beyond what should ever be required without compensation. So really, thanks, You Wonderful People! You made my day yesterday.

*gratuitous ass kiss warning*

Know this: I appreciate all of you, you who read, you who comment, – even you who don’t comment as long as you’re here with me! I appreciate you who are here often as well as you who only visit sporadically. I just appreciate all of you. Without you, there wouldn’t be much reason for me to hit “publish” on any of these posts. Sure, I write this for myself and write what I want to write, but I could keep a private journal if it didn’t have something to do with my interactions with YOU.

So, thanks so much for supporting me whenever you can.

*end of gratuitous ass kissing*

 

Now go eat some grilled stuff, drink some fun drinks, watch the bright lights and listen to the loud pops and the laughter of your loved ones, while you smile and soak it all in.  Enjoy every moment, it’s worth it.

<3

 

Not Words

I was going to forego writing a post tonight for tomorrow, something I never do, because, well.  I’m just really tired.

My mind hurts, my body hurts, my heart hurts.



I felt that if I wrote, I needed to tell you the most recent developments in the House Hell Saga, and if you can forgive me, the truth is I just don’t have it in me right now. 

My eyes just want to close and my brain wants to let me not feel it for a long while.

And I was about to do that, when something really beautiful which I am completely undeserving of smacked me in the face.  I’m nearly speechless.

But I want to say that I’ve met some of the most beautiful (and not just skin-deep, that) women of my lifetime recently, during this blogging thing. Three of them made me cry tonight.  I’m absolutely not worthy of their immense kindness.  But they are trying to help me get my son out of this hell-hole, and for that I am so incredibly grateful that there are not words enough.

Angie, Dawn, VDog:  I hope you can feel the emotion and immense thanks in my ‘not words.’ <3

Dear Braden

Braden,

It’s been a year since you’ve been outside of my womb, but you’ve been in my heart for 87 weeks. We found out about you on February 14, 2006. It was the best Valentine I’ve ever received.

It’s been a year since I held you in my arms for the first time and couldn’t believe I was touching you with my hands, for real. You were so tiny and perfect on that very first day.

A whole year has gone by since God trusted us enough to give to us a life to mold, a heart to hold, and a responsibility weightier than another other, to fulfill.

This past year, Braden, I have become a better, kinder, more thoughtful, happier, more centered, more careful, grounded person. I see everything differently. I appreciate everything more. Because of YOU. FOR you. As a friend of Daddy’s said, having a child makes you “see things rightly.”

You have accomplished so much this past year, Braden. I knew you would, but seeing it all happen before my very own eyes has been an experience like no other. Seeing you become has been a testament to God’s Creation for my soul.

During this year of your life on earth, my son, you have cheated (sickness can’t stop you), stolen (Momma and Dada’s hearts) and lied (your face isn’t the cutest possible… because it always gets more adorable tomorrow).

This year you have made your Momma so happy, so alive. You have topped every other accomplishment, event, situation, or experience I’ve had. There is nothing else in my past that I can compare to the glory that is being your mother.

It’s been the best year of my life, Braden.

Before you even existed as a tiny Wiggle Bean in the womb, I yearned for your life to spring up inside of me, and once I found out you were there, I was so anxious to meet you that I could have just burst. I had so many expectations and curiosities about you. You blew them all away, and the moment I saw you with my eyes the first time, I knew that I would give my life for you, without question, in an instant.

That will never change.

I love you, Braden. Happy First Birthday, my son.

Momma, Mommy, “Ehmmahhmmm”

Waking for Braden

Last night I awoke, at about 4:30 am, to mildly-annoyed-baby-whine sounds. Listening to the monitor intently for a moment, tapping into that special Baby Sound Meanings-Deciphering Super Power us mommies have, I decided Braden must be half asleep, but missing his paci.Sometimes, the sounds say, “I miss my paci… but it’s not a big deal, and in a few seconds, I’m gonna murmur off, back into deep sleep without it.” When they say that, I roll over and go back to sleep.

Sometimes the sleepy sounds say, “Uh-oh. I miss my paci. While I sound pretty deep asleep still, right now, if it doesn’t jump in my mouth soon, things are going to change pretty quickly.” When they say that, I’ve learned to get up quickly, walk quietly, search furtively, find the paci and plug the hole.

Of course, sometimes they say, “OMG, I’M NOT GOING TO MAKE QUIET, SLEEPY SOUNDS AT ALL! I JUST WOKE UP, MY PACI IS GONE, AND WE’RE GOING STRAIGHT INTO DEFCON-5! AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Those are the nights when I really, really wish I hadn’t given up the sweet, sweet alcohol. (Because getting drunk while rocking a child back to sleep for the next seventy-eleven hours is a good idea. ? )

So, anyway, while I was standing by his crib reaching into the corner to retrieve The Paci, the soft glow of his crib-side light gave me one of those sweet glimpses of my Nighttime Braden. He was nestled near the corner of the crib right next to me, on his back, sleepily rubbing at one eye, with both eyes still shut. His blonde hair was falling back softly from his forehead. He had that, “I’m an angel in dinosaur pajamas” look. I sighed as I put the paci back into his little mouth, and listened to his sleepy, happy sucking sounds.

Back in bed, I spoke to him in my head for a few minutes.

“Braden, you have amazed me just recently.

I can’t believe how much you JUST changed on me again. I can’t believe how often you are talking to me, and that you’re asking me QUESTIONS!

I can’t believe that you can RUN and point at things and ask me, “Ish?” (this?) and “Wah-DAHT?”

I can’t believe that you spit out large paragraphs of garbled baby-language about the things I identify for you.

Braden, I’m just amazed by you and I don’t know how to tell you that. I still can’t believe that God decided to let you live with me.

But, you know what, Braden?

I hope He never changes His mind.”