boundless

you are small in stature
with a giant personality

your size never stops you
from expecting the most

and after all, tiny is
only temporary

(much to my dismay)

your are revving and racing
through days and months and years

every day that finds you
meets its match

there is no morning
afternoon or evening

that you can’t climb
and leap from

into the starry sky you soar
landing in your bed
with a soft thump and giggles

that don’t want to go night-night
even though your small body

is tired and weary

from all the battles you won today.

My Little Boogerdeenie

I cannot believe it has already been two years. The second one didn’t go by any slower than the first year.

Braden was born on this date two years ago. We have both changed in so very many ways since that day when he made his appearance, busted his own umbilical chord, and then played around with the idea of maybe not breathing.

Every day since then has been just as complicated and difficult.

In the most wonderful way!

I can honestly say that my son has made me a better person and taught me how to love without bounds in the midst of amazing frustration like I never thought I could.

And I’m so thankful for that, it brings me to tears.

If there be no tomorrows,
and no more yesterdays…
I’d still be glad
for all I’ve had
because you’re here today.
–Mommy

19 Months

Dear Braden,

I really should have written you this letter allll the way back on May 16th.  That was when you turned 19 Months old.  That was when you officially crossed over the half year away from 2 mark.

However, I have been playing the avoidance game with my letter to you concerning your 19th Month.  I have really wanted to write it, but every time I thought I just might get to it, I found something else to do instead.

I’m sure this is somehow related to the sorrow that is attached to my other memories from that time period.  I am very sorry about that, son.  I want you to know that my pain will never be more important than you.  Sometimes, though, I just need a little (or a lot of) time to work through it.

Thank you for helping me do that.

What I really owe you right now is your 20th Month letter (which you will have by next week), but I can’t bring myself to write it without adressing the month I let slip by, first. 

And while I won’t have a truly complete letter for you about your 19th Month without torturing both of us, I do want to give you some highlights…

You used to say, “aba” or “arpa” for “airplane.”  I made the mistake of telling you that they are “up in the sky.” 

 

Now you gaze up into the sky at the planes flying by overhead… and call them “gite!”  It’s maddenly adorable.  I’m sure you’ll straighten that out at some point.  That, and your tendency to call fans and lights “esh-wheet!” because whenever you pointed to the ceiling fans/lights and said, “liiiight!”  I said, “That’s right!”  So, your non-”r” pronouncin’ self calls them all, “esh-wheet!” now.  No one ever accused me of being the best mother out there.  Forgive me?

Another weird word thing you started doing during this time was calling both bears and dogs, “Meat.”  And I SWEAR, this one was not my fault!  You started off calling dogs “ogg-ogg” and bears “bit” (that whole inability to pronounce “R’s” thing).  For some reason, one day, you just decided they were both “meat.”  While it is kind of gross, it’s also really funny.   Especially the way you hold off the “T” whenever it’s on the end of a word.  “Meeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa……TTTT.”

In an interesting addition to your exclamations, you started screaming, “I DID IT!” every time you put one of your bath-toy ABC letters on the bathtub wall.  I didn’t even know kids your age could use, “I” appropriately.  It’s obvious you’re a genius.

Aunt Karleigh visited this month, and she found a different way to play with the letters.  She’s obviously also a genius.

On the health front, we finally gave in and ordered an allergy test for you.  We’ve avoided it previously because of the sticking you with needles thing, and the MONEY thing.  In the end, we just needed to know for sure that we weren’t wrong when we assumed you were able to eat the foods we were feeding you. 

There’s something about being your Momma that makes “guessing” when it comes to your health a really crappy seeming and unacceptable thing to do.  You were cleared of all allergies.  We were able to give you all the foods you love again, and after completing a simple (yet huge – a full half) reduction of your liquid consumption, your bowel movements have become manageable instead of liquid hot magma.

Chalk (“CHOT!”) has been a huge obsession.  You are IN LOVE WITH chalk (and crayons).  I have begun to worry that if you could, you would BE chalk (or crayons).  But, I kind of love it that you love that stuff.  I see me in you when you love stuff like that.  Let’s hang out a lot, okay?

Oh yeah. We’ve been putting you on your potty to pee for months. Generally, you start peeing, and then we put you on it to finish. We’re proud every time.

Then, you did this:

And you didn’t pee… but DUDE, you sat on the thing all by yourself! I WAS SO EXCITED. If you only knew how happy that kind of thing makes me!

 

I am never disappointed in my desire to watch you learn. You never stop!

You’ve been interested in your and our “eyes” for some time, but you experienced a Face Parts Explosion this month. You now point out “Eyyyyye!” and though you don’t say it, also ears and nose when questioned.  I’m so proud of you, Face Parts Boy.

 

In so many ways you are learning, growing and discovering. Every Single Day.

Always exploring.

Always questioning.

Always looking for something new.

Always eager to solve the problem.

Always studying the details.

 

And as I watch you do all of this?  Over and over again I already face a hard realization.

Every day, with every step you take, you are taking one more step away from me.

And while I loathe that idea with all of my being…

I hope with all my heart that I’m preparing you well to leave me behind some day.

 

Love,

Momma

 

 

16 Months

Dear Braden,

Today, you are 16 months old.

As I sit here, and your pee dries on my jeans (thanks for that!), I’m amazed that another month has flown by.  Somehow I know that it’s never going to stop being like this… eventually it will be years that have flown by and I’ll still be sitting here, even more amazed.  Hopefully by then I won’t have your pee stain on my jeans.

This past month, your Daddy and I decided to restrict use of The Paci.  The Paci is now only available for nap, bedtime,

and severe teething times/moments of exceptional distress. 

There have been a few… outcomes. 

The Shriek was actually subsiding a bit, but with removal of The Paci, it has now become The Shrill, Agonizing Scream of One Thousand Deaths.  You have practiced and developed it, and now it is fuller, longer, louder and more high pitched than ever.  Mariah Carey could be put to shame by you.

I should be proud, I know.

You have learned to remedy your lack of Paci chewing opportunities by fitting your thumb and first 2 fingers into your mouth in the precise areas of your current teething.  Resourceful boy!  Of course, some moments call for more than just precision. They call for as much hand as you can cram into your facehole.

But the talking.  Restricting the use of The Paci has resulted in so much more talking.  We have actual conversations with you now!  And we even pretend to understand you!  But we don’t!  Well. Okay.  Sometimes we do, like when you yell, “I Said!” while wagging your finger.  I have no idea why you do that.  It’s certainly not because Daddy and I are always yelling at The Doggie, “I said!”  … get in your bed, … sit, … lie down, … stop eating turds. Fine.  It’s true.  We have the most disobedient doggie in the world! 

It’s a good thing he’s cute. 

And that you love him.

Another recent favorite is “mum-mum-mum” which means “yummy” or “yum-yum.”  You say this to give your opinion of food you are currently eating… as well as to request the food that others are eating.  No food is ever not potentially YOUR food. 

I’ve noticed that you also say, ”mom-mom-mom,” but it is difficult to distinguish from the other, and does not happen as often.  Should  I be offended?  Or should I just strive to be more “yummy?”  I guess it doesn’t much matter, since sometimes you actually say, “momma.”  Like tonight, when you hugged me, cooed, warmly said, “Mom-mah,” and smiled sweetly at me.

Accordingly, I have added everything you ever wanted to the shopping list for this week.

There is so much more.  Isn’t there always?

You have gotten very good at waving, although you still resist doing it right away at times.  Other times you can’t wait to wave and say, “hhhiiii!” Even to your Baby Einstein DVDs. Hm.

Of course, you also thoroughly enjoy waving and saying “hhhiiii” to yourself in the mirror. But hey, who can blame you. You’re totally good looking. 

When your Daddy goes out the door, you stand watching it, waving, saying, “Bye.”  It’s enough to rip my heart right out of my chest, I tell you.

When we’re just hanging out, you still love to read books.  Quite often, you do this independently.  You go get a book from your bookshelf, then sit down and read (out loud or to yourself). 

Lately, you have started bringing me books to read.  I can’t tell you how good it feels when I see you select a book, toddle over to me, and sit in my lap with it.  I don’t know how I’m going to keep taking this Being Proud thing without passing out from the emotional high.

By the way, you are a pro at using the shape-sorter now! You are very good with the circle and even the star. And I melt a little inside every time you hold up the circle, with an inquisitive look on you face, and ask me, “what?” I say, “Circle!” and you say, “sirsle.” *melt*

When we’re not reading books or playing with toys, you like to do some good old fashioned running around, being loud, and laughing your head off, or dancing.  You have added an up and down bootie-shake dance to your usual swaying move.  I approve 100%. Of course, your Stomp Dance (complete with bellowing yell) is still in full effect.  A new thing, however, is that for your favorite song, Itsy Bitsy Spider, you now do the hand movements.  You are simply amazing.

Oh yeah, I need to take a moment to thank you for finally learning how to put your drink cup on the table! It has been a momentous accomplishment!

Sometime this past month, you started doing this all on your own. And even when you drop it to the floor, Daddy or I can ask you to pick it up and put it on the table, and you understand, and follow through. Huge. HUGE. In fact, your Daddy and I nearly pee ourselves every time you do this.

Oh, but, yeah. I also need to take a moment and tell you that the game you’ve been playing this past week, where you picked THAT behavior to be the current thing you’re testing me on? Has been very tiring. Because now you sometimes put the drink cup on the table… and sometimes you throw it down, and when we ask you to put it on the table, you look at it, look at us, and absolutely refuse. There has been a shift from “not understanding” to “willful denial.” Way to keep me on my toes, son! You are the MAN.

Just be aware that I WILL break you.

The sheer increase in your ability to “know what’s going on” is astounding.  Daddy and I can’t fool you anymore.  We are already having to spell things out to “trick” you.  You may not be able to speak our language perfectly, but you certainly understand it.  That’s more than you can say for us, isn’t it?

You are constantly exploring the world around you. It’s a treasure to witness your journey; to be there as you soak it all in…

and to laugh with you when you discover a simple amusement.

I have still not allowed anyone to come near your hair with scissors. 

I’m not sure when that will happen, really.  I love your beautiful, silken hair too much.  I fear that it will never be wispy like this again, and I’m too selfish still to let go of that.  You are borderline mullety, but I think you’re just cute enough to get away with it.

You are just now getting over your third cold ever.

I remember your first cold. You got it the night before you cut your first teeth.

(Those were the only 2 teeth you had for 2 months!)

I also remember your second cold, when your nose got all plugged up overnight, but you were such a trooper.

This current cold has really dragged on and made you miserable. 

It has been a long week of short tempers and screaming fits, with both of us sick together. But I have had so many colds that I have no way of knowing how many.  You have only had three.

You have only had 3, little colds.

You are still so small.

Even though you are getting way too big, you are still so small.

I am holding on to that for now.

Love,
Momma