Posts Tagged hashimoto’s thyroiditis
I could always shave my head, get a penis tattoed on it, and be a real dickhead.
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Body/Health, Mental/Emotional, Thyroid on January 7, 2010
I’ve gotten a lot of compliments on my hair after some of the pictures I’ve posted recently, and that makes me feel good about myself (thank you!). But it also kind of makes me feel like a jerk, because:
- I’m horrible at taking compliments and
- those photos were taken after I made a special effort to look nice.
So, I actually took a shower and then did something other than give my hair the finger in the mirror and walk away. Hair styling products were definitely involved, as was a blow dryer, and maybe some praying and/or cursing. (I hate spending time on my hair.) I may or may not have duct taped my son to the closet door so he wouldn’t get into trouble while I was preening.
I’m actually extra sensitive about my hair right now, because it’s been falling out fairly badly for many months, which means I actually have to put effort into making it look nice. Of course, you are probably scoffing at me right now because it certainly doesn’t *look* like my hair is falling out badly.
If you’re unsure, you can ask my husband and he can relate to you how he’s had to pull a hamster sized ball of my hair out of the drain on any occasion that he’s showered after I did. He might tell you that there’s hair in his food often. (Unless he hasn’t noticed, in which case, oops, my bad, honey… uh, I was just kidding!) He wouldn’t be able to tell you anything about our vacuum cleaner because he can hardly pronounce vacuum cleaner, much less use one, but I can tell you that I have to *cut* the hair off the rotating brush every time I want to use it. There are strands of my hair everywhere, and it’s driving me insane.
I pulled my hair up into a ponytail before a workout the other day and, at my left temple, I could see my scalp through my hair there, because it has gotten thin enough for that. If I did not draw your attention to it, though, you’d never notice. Not yet. But I notice all the ways that I can see my scalp all of a sudden that never occurred before. Like when I get out of the shower and my part falls in a weird way after I towel dry.
Most days I do still look totally fine. (Even if my hair may not look quite as nice as in some of the photos I’ve recently posted.)
But what bothers me is what I don’t show off in photos online.
This (what you see in the photos) may not seem abnormal (I assume) to some, but I’ve always had enough hair that you couldn’t see spots of scalp like this. You just couldn’t. It’s the *change* that bothers me.
Now, I’m not trying to cry and whine and solicit attention here. My hair is still far more than passing for normal because I’ve always had an insanely high number of hair strands. Every hair stylist I’ve ever had has remarked on this, as well as how fast my hair grows. If, however, I’d started off with thin hair, I shudder to think what I’d look like by now. I can still give special care and make sure it looks nice.
What worries me is that there must be some underlying cause, because this has yet to stop or slow down, and eventually, no matter how much hair I started with, this is going to look bad. Yes, it’s vain, but it’s also just the truth that hair matters. And I don’t want mine to fall out.
To make sure the recent hair loss wasn’t caused by a drastic change in my thyroid condition, I’ve had recent thyroid panels done, and even an ultrasound to make sure there aren’t any cancerous nodules on my massive and ultra sexy goiter. The scan showed that yes, my thyroid is still large and in charge, and I do have nodules (knew that already) but they don’t appear cancerous. The bloodwork laughs in my face, saying, “Your hormone levels are normal!”
What’s fun about Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis (your body has antibodies against your own thyroid and attacks it regularly) is that you can have “normal” hormone counts and still suffer symptoms, which apparently, doctors are unsure of how to treat. In fact, my experience is that a hormone imbalance is the only thing they know how to treat – you’re on your own with the rest of it.
So now I’m stuck with having to go pay out of pocket to another doctor, listing symptoms and seeing whether there is another underlying problem that could cause them. And that makes me feel tired and kind of like breaking things.
But that’s life, right? If you don’t find the answers you need behind one door, you just have to keep opening them until you find the right one to walk through.
So here I go, about to seek out the next door, hoping again that the knob doesn’t break off in my hand and that no one slams it in my face. And preparing myself if it’s just the first of many more I’ll need to open.
It would be nice if all of this weren’t so expensive. I’m hoping that along the way, one of the doors I yank open leads to a Money Tree Plantation.
If so, I’ll grab a few extra seedlings for you guys, promise.
Hi. Here I am, being depressing again.
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Depression, Haiku, Mental/Emotional, Miscarriage on June 13, 2008
Almost seven weeks
since it started; we’re still stuck.
Would now be twelve weeks.
We are still not sure
when we’ll want to try again.
Sooner or later?
Some days, I think, “NO.”
Other days, I think, “maybe?”
It is confusing.
Afraid to chance it.
What if it happens again?
So soon, I might break.
Then again, it seems
no matter the length between,
the pain won’t differ.
Also afraid to
wait too long… time rushes by,
thyroid gets worse. *sigh*
Mostly we still want
to wake up from the nightmare,
our baby still here.
So probably not
ready to try again yet.
But still, there’s longing.
Braden’s latest word
is “baaay-beeeee,” complete with sign.
God, please help me cope.
First, I totally bore you with the medical stuff… then, Pee Pee!
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Uncategorized on February 5, 2008
Several kind readers have been asking me about how my appointment with the Endocrinologist went on Jan.28.
(For links on the back story, visit here, here, here and here. I have Hashimoto’s Thyroiditis, and have been experiencing Clinical Depression for some time.)
This post will probably be very long, and probably not all that funny. I know some of you come here for your funny. If you stick with me while I’m playing Debbie Downer today, I’ll give you some funny at the end. Promise. Okay?
Okay.
The actual Endo visit was like this:
Got there, signed in, sat down. Read book. Suddenly wanted to cry. Had no idea WHY. Unable to keep reading. Closed eyes and put head against wall. Receptionist asked if I was okay. I nodded yes.
Then I started crying.
I couldn’t stop it from happening. I didn’t know why I was even doing it. It.was.so.embarrassing.
They took me back to the exam room early because they felt sorry for me. Nice, really. But damn, did I feel stupid.
Nurse: “Are you okay? What’s wrong?”
Me: “No. Uh… I don’t know?”
Ugh.
The doctor was very kind. She was compassionate, reassuring, attentive, and never rushed me. She explained that I need another ultrasound of the thyroid since it has been 3 years since the last, and I may have developed cancerous nodules during that time. We also agreed on a 3 month cycle for my blood test check ups. Ongoing monitoring is necessary because the status of the disease can change at any time, and can ostensibly be life-threatening.
She indicated that the symptoms of hypothyroidism that I’m experiencing are also the symptoms of clinical depression (you don’t say?) and that if my hormone levels are normal (they were in December) that it is likely that is my problem, as per those symptoms. She said I would need to see a Primary Care Physician to address that. (Like I can afford it, but oh well.)
Before I left the office, I gave more blood. She wanted to make sure there had been no change since the blood tests from December. The results arrived a couple of days ago. My thyroid antibodies are insanely high (you can read about that in one of the above linked posts) but the hormone is “normal.” So no treatment for me from the Endo.
And if I want to get treatment for the Depression, I’m being handed off to yet another doctor, along with another visit fee, plus any other fees for tests and treatment. The bills are already crushing us, and so far, since being diagnosed with the Hashimoto’s back in early 2005, I have received NO treatment that would improve my symptoms. NOT ONCE.
Rewind: When I got home from the appointment on Monday, I decided to continue on some research I’ve been doing lately concerning the link between depression and birth control pills. It can get confusing wading through all that’s out there, but the thrust of it is this: there is a link between depression and birth control pills. Many women report feeling symptoms of depression while on The Pill.
Recently, Veronica told me that when she was on triphasic birth control she “got horribly depressed,” and has “felt miles better since [she] stopped the pill.” Similarly, Jill told me, “it [birth control] drained my energy and stole my libido.”
The progestin contained in the pills is thought to aggravate depression in women who already have it, or trigger it in those who are sensitive/prone to it. In combination pills (estrogen/progestin) the estrogen is said to balance out the negative effect of the progestin. However, again, women who are sensitive to it may still be affected by the progestin ingested.
My own experience, now that I can look back at my past history, has been that while taking a combined pill called Triphasil, I suffer low levels of depression (somewhat manageable), but on Ortho-Tri-Cyclen (what I was on years ago, and then again this year) I suffer incredible depression, including, but certainly not limited to: physical pain in back and neck, extreme fatigue, mood swings, numb/flat affect, irritability, sadness, and loss of libido.
It should be no surprise to learn that, though both pills are triphasic, combination pills (varying levels throughout the month of both estrogen and progestin), The Ortho-Tri-Cyclen will deliver two and a half times the amount of progestin in 3 weeks use as will the Triphasil. [source]
That’s Two And A Half Times the ingredient which can aggravate/trigger depression in many women.
Not a single doctor I have ever visited suggested this as my problem. Not once, in the 13 years I have taken birth control pill. Not once in the very many times I have complained about depression, fatigue, and pain to many different doctors who all knew I was on The Pill.
(Incidentally, both the types of BC I have taken are on the low side for progestin doses, when compared to the many other types of BC, but because I am obviously sensitive to it, that was enough to cause an imbalance for me.)
There has also been recent research detailing the loss of libido for women who take the pill, including a warning of long-term damage. In one study, women who had been taking The Pill for some time had 4 times the amount of SHBG (sex-hormone-binding globulin) in their bodies as did women who had never taken the pill. Hello, depleted libido! Even after 120 days off the pill, these women still had twice as much SHBG in their bodies ad did those who had never taken The Pill. While this is somewhat depressing itself, as it shows that there can be long-term damage to the libido… it also means that some amount of healing can occur over time! YAY!
Last Monday, feeling unhelped by a series of doctors, and without the money to keep visiting more, I did my research on birth control. I talked to John about what I had found so far, and we agreed that it was enough information to prompt me to stop taking birth control to see what happens. After all, things have been very, very much “not good” around here for the past several months.
I try to be frank and honest with you all always, but I talk about the tip of the iceberg here – I don’t like to drag you down with the specifics of the pain I (and my family) endure because I am mentally ill. But do a little reading about Clinical Depression on your own, and you will see that it can be a very frustrating, very ugly thing.
So. I stopped taking The Pill Monday, January 28th. It will probably take some time for me to know for sure whether this is really going to help, or whether I will still need medication. But I can give you a positive report so far. It has been a week, and already John has said that I have been less moody and more kind to him.
And me? I can sense a great change in my “thought life.” I am already finding that I get angry about things less often, and my mood feels generally happier. The debilitating pain in my shoulder/upper back/neck that I have been struggling with for over a month is GONE. I am not feeling as tired as I have recently felt and am more motivated to do things around the house. I think I’ve prepared dinner more times this past week than I did all last month. So? Already feeling better.
In just one week.
I’m not calling for every woman out there to stop taking the pill. It is probably the right thing for some women. But it is definitely not the right thing for every woman. If you take it, and you feel depressed? Ask your doctor for answers. Ask yourself – is it worth this? Could this be what’s hurting me, and those I love? I wish I had known this stuff sooner. I wish my doctors had told me.
I want to take this opportunity to apologize to every single person who’s had to be on the receiving end of my problem, in any way, at any time. It gets hard inside my heart sometimes… it gets ugly inside my head. That flows out of my mouth and my fingers sometimes. Sometimes a lot. I am so sorry.
I want to thank my husband for trying not to kill me, and succeeding.
And I want to thank every single person who says nice things to me on a regular basis. Thank you to every friend and acquaintance who has tried to brighten my day. Thank you to those of you who stick by me and are helping me get through the dark days and make it back into the light. Or, well, into the light at all. You all mean more to me than you can possibly know.
Thank you so much.
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So, you made it to the end? Did you read, or just fast-forward for the funny? Ah well, whichever it was, you made it to the end. You deserve your funny, just because you came here to see me. And also because it’s Tickle Me Tuesday, according to Marie.
So? Here’s my funny for the day:
My child is prone to butt rashes, and so, 85% of the time, he is at least half-naked. Regular readers can confirm that there are several Braden Hiney Sightings here on a regular basis.
Result of giving in to the desire to hold and love on your half-naked child:
Let’s make s’mores.
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Uncategorized on January 22, 2008
The time left until my big, exciting appointment with the Endocrinologist is s. l. o. w. l. y ticking away. Every day seems like a year. Every minute seems like an hour in which the world is sitting on my shoulder saying, “You don’t hold us up very well, woman. Your shoulders are weak. You need to workout more.”
Tabitha D’umo looks at me from the cover of her stupid Dance DVD. Mocking me. I entertain thoughts of burning her face up in a bonfire as I dance around it, naked, in my front yard. But it is below freezing, and I can’t find my matches. Darn.
Last week was a long, long week. Lots of good. Lots of bad. We fight. I snip. I apologize. We butt heads. We talk. I cry. We laugh. We cuddle in bed and then fall asleep.
The next day, it happens all again. I just want to sleep all day. Can I please just sleep all day? I don’t want to be a human today. I want to sit in the corner and stare at the wall. Also. I want to stop having frizzy hair that breaks if you look at it wrong, and brittle nails that do the same. My back locks up and my neck goes stiff on me. I find patches of dry skin on my feet that look like this:
On the days when I can actually get out of the house (like Monday, thank you, Alli!) things feel better. The motto is, “Movement in Sunshine.” It seems to help with the Depression Symptoms. But the lump in my throat. That choking feeling. And that world. On my shoulders. Oy.
Please help me, Mrs. Endocrinologist. And tell me this paper you sent that says, “payment in full is due at time of service” was just a mean joke you like to play. Please?
Oh, look. I just found my matches. Wanna meet me in the front yard, my friends? Bring your marshmallows.
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Yeah, I know, lists/ugh. I've always been bad at accepting compliments, and this is no different. I was surprised and honored by this - someone thinks I've done a good job. Icky Listness aside, that makes me smile. :-)lotus works
lotus supports
lotus is impressed by her friends
lotus digs
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