Totally triumphant. Or something.

You know what you should do if you’re trying really hard to lose weight?

You should work out regularly.  You should drink lots of water.  You should sleep at least 7 hours a night. (Don’t laugh, damnit, that’s the guideline!) *ahem*  You should eat meals that are balanced, high in lean protein and fiber.  You should eat several small meals a day rather than a few large ones.  Snacks are good.  Try to balance good carbs with protein for better digestion and fat burning!  Make sure you take a multi-vitamin, calcium and vitamin D.  Make sure you get enough Omega-3 and Omega-6 Fatty Acids in your diet.  You may even want to take a supplement.  You should not eat after the evening has worn on into the night.  No late eating!  This is a big one!  Seriously! Don’t eat late!  Go to sleep and get up and have breakfast.

And totally, if you have a hard time with this, just drink water when you want to eat.  Keep reminding yourself mentally why you are doing this! Say it out loud if you have to!  It will make you feel better, look better, and be more healthy!  It will make your body work better, and last longer!  You CAN be successful and if you just kick your will power into high gear you CAN make it all the way through a very long night when you really really really really really really want to eat something late by keeping on telling yourself, “NO, NO, YOU CAN DO THIS! DON’T EAT ANYTHING!”

And when 1am hits and you have been successful at not eating anything all night long you can feel totally triumphant and know that you are doing something great for your mind and body!

So great, in fact, that you should celebrate by eating some ice cream.

BECAUSE YOU’RE A TOTAL TURDBAG.  GAH!!!

PS: It was only a few spoons, at least.

PPS: But it was so damn good, dude.  Mmmm.

PPPS: And I had no right being awake at 1am, either, by the way.

Merry Crotchmas

Keepin it light, so I’ll give you a brief tour of our Christmas with pictures.

A taste of Christmas Eve Activities.

An idea of how spoiled Braden is.

Breakfast.

Test Drive!

Fire Engine Siren Testing.

Tootsie Adoration Moment.

Taking a Break.

The Posse Ventures Outside.

After that, Momma’s trigger finger kind of went numb.

This was the best Christmas I can remember in a long, long time. Having a child really brings the magic back to the day. I think he had a lot of fun today. I know I sure did. He’s fast asleep and I look fondly at these pictures now. I hope your day was as great as ours was.

Oh, and John still has one more present to unwrap…

Merry Crotchmas!

Then you put your junk in that box.

The current budget
here at the Carroll houshold
may result in this.

Suppose my version
will have to be something like
Cooch under a bow?

[Edited: Um, about the suggestions on putting my 'box in a box.'  I'm wondering how you put something concave into a box? *scratches head*  If you can do that, I'm scared of your vagina, yo.  I'm stickin' with the bow, ya'll.]

PS: A belated thanks to Bill Gathen for reminding me of this video last night.  Yes, Bill, you are the inspiration, the meaning, in my life. *chuckle*

The Truth Is Out

I’m a stupid dork.

Thirteen (embarassing) Things From My Past That I Shouldn’t Tell Anyone

So I’m Gonna Tell EVERYONE!

1. Yes, it’s true. As a kid, I crushed on NKOTB’s Joey McIntyre. *shoot me for admitting that*

But how can you resist those blue eyes, and that “is it a perm or not?” curly hair? (it WAS curly once)

[*update* upon googling him to find the hyperlink I was going to use, I felt weird looking at his pic. Now I know why I dated this guy for 7 years. Eh?]

2. I considered giving myself an enema before going to the hospital to have Braden. The idea of crapping during labor mortified me. Time issues = no enema before hospital (can you say “my contractions were never more than 3 minutes apart?”). While pushing, I poo’d nicely. I DIDN’T CARE.

3. I was kind of a skank-ho in high school. I probably would have done the entire football team… if they had actually been attractive. Ugh @ going to a skeez, redneck high school.

4. I once actually said, “It’s like I’m a cancer patient…” about all the vitamins I was taking, in front of my (very sweet, kind, and forgiving) Mother-in-Law. Her husband (John’s dad) actually passed away from colon cancer.

I wanted to crawl inside my own butthole and die 0.3 seconds after it came out of my mouth. Even thinking of it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

5. I HAVE sharted. It was just sometime last year. And it was OH SO NOT FUNNY, like it was in Along Came Polly.

Seriously? That has to be the BEST word I’ve learned from a movie.

[Thankfully, it happened in our home. But if it happens to you in public, use this information on "How To Hide A Shart."]

6. My mother (hippy to the max) did not want me to shave my armpits or use deodorant. The purchase of such things for me was pretty much refused.

Already being an awkward tween, and now suddenly having stinky, hairy armpits, I was feeling desperate. I didn’t know what to do!

Then, one day, a nice young boy in one of my classes remarked with disgust, “God, Lotus, you could really use some deodorant for that B.O.”

Thanks a lot, assbag. I would love to hit him right in the face. Right now.

So, what did I do?

I stole deodorant. WTH else was I to do?

God, that is so lame. I STOLE DEODORANT.

7. On the way home from a Halloween party when I was in grad school, I suddenly felt quite green. (Could it have been the copious amounts of alcohol consumed?)

I told the driver, pull over now! He wasn’t fast enough. I puked all down the front of my dress (into the floorboard of my own car). Still jumped out onto the shoulder of the very busy highway, because more was coming.

Tore off disgusting, puke-soaked dress… assumed barfing position on ground (on all fours) in my underwear.

Got home. Walked the entire way from the car to my apartment (not a short distance) in my bra and undies. With vampire teeth still in.

CLASSY.

8. On the night that I graduated from high school, I celebrated BIG TIME, by…

Going home and sitting there. Alone.

Pathetic.

9. I have never been able to stop running my mouth. I am kind of embarassed about it whenever I think of how annoying everyone must find me. My teachers would write, “Talks too much,” “Chatty Cathy,” or other such type comments on my take-home reports.

And look at how my “list of 13 things” just goes on and on and on until you think you’re reading 50 MILLION (thanks, Jenny) things.

10. When I was a kid (and really, now, still) I had horribly pokey-out Dumbo-type ears.

Kids literally called me “Dumbo.”

I was humiliated endlessly about my ears. For years of my childhood, I was obsessed with one day having them operated on, so that people would stop thinking I was such a freak.

I hate mean kids. They should be slapped. A lot.

11. I owned a Nelson CD. That needs no elaboration.

12. I was supposed to finish my MA in Psychology in 2 years. It took me 3. While I entertained myself by becoming addicted to internet chat.

Hey, at least I met John during that time, online.

He said, “browneye” in a chat room, and the rest is history.

13. John told me that when we were first dating, he had an interesting experience.

He was visiting me at my apartment in Winston-Salem, NC. We had been hanging out, laughing, having fun, etc. He had to pee. He got up… walked down the hallway, and went into the bathroom. Closing the door, he turned around, and lifted the toilet seat.

And witnessed a large, brown floater.

Sexy or what?

Now, THAT’S how you impress the guy you’re dating into marrying you one day.

So, what’s your embarassing story?

Wanna see more Thursday Thirteen?

Meme-ity Meme Meme Meme

I was recently tagged for this “Crazy Eights” Meme by:

Thursday Thirteen, #1

13 Things I COULD Do While Braden Naps:

1. Get some sleep myself, for crying out loud.
2. Take a shower. I take a shower once a month, whether I need it or not.
3. Eat lunch. One that doesn’t include the words, “Twix” or “Snickers.”
4. Laundry. HAHAHA!
5. Kegel excercises, so the thought of doing laundry during free time won’t make me pee myself.
6. Clean up Braden’s toys. I’m thinking he already has too many. Maybe he’ll “lose” some soon.
7. Make a grocery list so I can buy real food and stop eating Halloween Candy.
8. Try really hard not to put “more candy” on the grocery list.
9. Clean the various metal pieces of the stove top with a brillo pad. DELIGHTFUL.
10. Feed Shawn, the poor puffer fish who hasn’t been fed since, like, 1974.
11. Issue a challenge for you cool people to guess why I named him Shawn.
12. Daydream about my long absent husband.
13. Utterly waste my time writing blog posts, checking e-mail, IM’ing, reading brilliant posts by amazing women, playing with photo-editing software, reading humor sites, staring at F’burner obsessively, thinking of ways to make my page look better, obsessing over why my ads aren’t showing anything but public services announcements on the main page….

From My Inbox, Episode 1

I get some interesting crap in my inboxes. I’ll bet you do, too. Let us laugh at it, here!

Just a few days ago, I received this gem:

[Dear Friend,

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the bill and exchange manager in BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) ANNEX, OUAGADOUGOU Burkina faso. I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($15.5) MILLION to your account within 10 or 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim.

I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer(the owner of the account) died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since, July 21, 2003.I don't want the money to go into our Bank treasurer as an abandoned fund.

So this is the reason why i contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested.

Upon receipt of your reply,i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me.

Best Regard.
Mr Molahi Ahmed.
Please,It is top secret. OK]

There is just SO MUCH wrong with this. I don’t think I even got through 3 lines of this e-mail before I started laughing so hard that I peed a little.

(Remind me to do some more kegel exercises, will ya?)

There’s the undercurrent of “anyone who believes this is A MORON,” of course… and then the insanely poor phrasing/improper use of language that just makes you itchy with “hahaha!”

But I think my favorite part is the ending.

“Please,It is top secret. OK”

You have no idea how much I am going to say/write/everything that phrase now. Ahhh, thanks Mr. Molahi Ahmed, you have made me laugh aplenty.

And don’t worry! Your secret is safe with me! OK