I just won’t shut up about it, I know.

Yup, it’s another long one, folks. 

While I was writing this post the other day, my thoughts kept reaching further and expanding and dividing and growing.  

I want to take a moment, first, to make sure you all realize that I did not mean to put down working parents at all.  What they do is just as much their decision about what is right for them/their families as the choice to stay at home is my decision about what is right for myself, Braden, and John, and I really respect that.  Hell, sometimes it’s not even their “choice” so much as they just have to do it.  What I really wanted to get across in that post was the point that I wish we could sing Kumbaya and just support one another as parents, no matter what the shape of our lives is (or even WHY our lives are that particular shape). 

I saw this point made excellently by Miss Britt’s Mother when she said,

“Having been both, I can tell you that SAHM’s suffer pangs of guilt and envy – whether they admit or not – because they’re not “contributing” financially to their families and their lives are “boring” – while working moms experience the agonies of the damned because they “don’t spend enough time” with their kids or “put their kids first”.

What would be better would be for PARENTS to have more compassion for each other, and respect for each other’s decisions for what works in THEIR lives, without justifying those decisions, without bashing the decisions of others.” 

(By the way, I just found Miss Britt’s site recently, and if you haven’t read her yet, you really should – she is damn delightful – funny, intelligent, well-written, and real.)

When I read the above quote, I felt like I was nodding my proverbial head so freakin’ hard that it was going to fall off and roll across the room.  Because it strikes to the heart of the matter about us all picking and bitching about one another’s choices.

That being said, I wanted to expand on something that hit my brain while I was writing that other post.

In talking about how I may discuss “Mommy” things endlessly here, and kind of defending that, I was also talking about how I am not “just” a mommy.  But I started thinking about the women out there who really do define themselves as Moms first and foremost, and care about little else.  And I was wondering, why, exactly, do we demonize them for that?

For the record, I do think it is very healthy to have interests in your life that do not involve your spouse or your children.  My amateur photography is such a thing for me, and while I definitely take photos of my kid and hubby, it’s not really about them, and I take tons of other photos.  And while I post on my website primarily about my family (but not exclusively) the exercise of writing all of this is really for me.  (With the added benefit of it all becoming a catalogue of our lives.)  I also write poetry and prose in my free time (hahaha, free time, I know) but I don’t share those things, generally.  Just a creative outlet.  It’s nice to have hobbies and activities that you enjoy to engage in.  I feel that it is energizing and fulfilling to leave your house without your children or husband occasionally and do things that you enjoy. 

BUT.

I see/hear people refer to women who are “mothers and nothing else” occassionally.  And it’s a completely negative tone they are taking when they make that reference.  These types of statements usually lead to a stream of insults of those women, and their decisions - complete, judgemental BS about what these people have chosen to do with their lives.  

To illustrate why I find this ridiculous, would you say, “She’s just a lawyer.  She is totally obsessed with being a really good one, and she doesn’t make time for anything else.  Isn’t that just sick?”  Probably not.  Being a lawyer is something we accept as having an occupation one should be driven to completely master and immerse oneself in.  Being a Mommy is often looked at as just this thing we do to keep the species alive (anyone can pop out offspring, right?).  Don’t you dare consider it something you must master and immerse yourself in!  That’s just sick!

I wanted to say that if there are women out there who choose to identify completely with being a mother, and that is the life that they feel happy living (I think that part is key here), who are any of us to judge them as not having a “real identity?” Mommies who spend “too much” time thinking about their children are just missing out on being well-rounded women, no?  They must have it all wrong because they are not living the same lives as others, right?  How completely ignorant is that way of thinking, would you say? 

If there are women who feel they were born to be “Mommies,” and consequently throw themselves into fulfilling that destiny passionately and completely, do we think they are wasting their time?  Do we label them a shell of a person?  When their kids grow up, they won’t know what to do with themselves, right? 

You wouldn’t say that if I replaced the word “Mommies” with “Teachers,” “Doctors,” or “Chefs.”  But, um, these would all retire at some point, too, and have to “figure out what to do with themselves,” right?  What’s the difference really, other than monetary payoff?

When a Teacher, Doctor, or Chef retires, we typcially think of them as having time to themselves to pursue some other activity that they may have always wanted to pursue, right?  Maybe they travel, learn to play the tuba, or take a pottery class.  Whatever.  We don’t typically think of them fretting and becoming a complete wreck of a person because all their students, patients, or patrons are “gone.”

When a Mother’s children leave the nest, she may well say, “Well, that station in my life has ended, and I did a damn good job!  I am fackin’ proud of what I accomplished, and while I may, at times, miss actively being a Mommy, I have so many excellent memories.  Now, I’m going to insert new interest, goal, achievement, desire, hobby, or life’s dream.”

Besides, there are always grandkids, right?  And that’s where the real fun starts, isn’t it, ladies?

So, how about we drink up a dose of respecting the choices others make, even if they’re not the right ones for us?  I know I’ve had to do that plenty of times in my life – and, like real medicine, it doesn’t always taste so great, but it will do you good.

We all have the capacity to adapt – to grow and change.  Let’s all remember that.

I guess what I’m saying is, can’t we all just get along, bitches?

Sometimes, when I’m surfing around Ye Olde Blog World, I notice, here and there, some rather harsh words relating to the whole “Mommy Blogger” Trend. The harshness seems to be multiplied when referring specifically to the Stay-At-Home breed of MB’s.

I try not to get offended. It ain’t easy, because:

1) I’m stupidly sensitive and ridiculously, pathetically easy to hurt.

2) Ack. I’m a “Mommy Blogger” (the SAHM breed), and those rude comments? Could be directed at me, easily.

(I realize that they are not, but I’m into taking things personally. It’s part of my Mental Issues thing.)

It’s funny. (You know, not funny-ha-ha, and not funny-queer, but funny-f’ed up.) I see people say things out there like how if you stay home all the time with your kid(s), you aren’t a “real person” with your own identity. Or maybe they mention that if you talk about your kids every day, or even quite often (especially if you talk about their fecal habits or post “inappropriate” photos of them), you are clearly vacuous.

[Oops. I happen to talk about my kid's fecal habits. And I'll mention now, some people have told me that my photos of Braden are inappropriate, and should not be posted all over the Internet for "pedophiles to drool over." Rather, they should be kept private. (Thanks for your opinion!)]

Further? It seems that there’s a group of people out there, for whom, just saying, “Oh, that’s just not for me,” is not enough to get their feelings across on the whole matter. For some reason, there is a need to actually flame “Mommy Bloggers,” and to put them down in an extremely derogatory fashion. I’ve seen comments out there like, “Mommys make me sick and wouldn’t go near one of their blogs with a ten foot pole.” Wow, alrighty.

I want to point out that I quite understand that no one will like every type of website. I mean, I’m not hittin’ up the Automotive Blogs every day, because I just don’t care for them. Besides, who has time for Automotive Blogs when you surf as much Asian Porn as I do?

But I digress.

My point here is, you don’t like something, cooool, but there’s this condescending, derogatory undertone I’m noticing; this sense that talking about your kid(s) often is just completely intolerable. As in, you know, it would make you sick to have to read that. As if it were all about bashing in the heads of bunnies with a mallot, or extolling the virtues of Martha Stewart’s Towel Line at JCPenny. I mean, THAT I could see throwing up over.

Sometimes, the indication is even that if the SAHM would just get a job and do more outside of the home then they could be considered to be an actual, intelligent woman with a life. Someone with a brain. WTH, people? Have we taken such a huge step backward as women – hell, as people - that we can’t just SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER no matter what our decisions in life are?

So, here I sit, feeling stupidly offended and ridiculously, pathetically hurt.

**Not asking anyone to come to my rescue. There is no “troll” to hunt down, no bashing to be done. Let us not form a mob today. (We’ll save the pitchforks and fire for another day, eh?)

I just want to “talk” about this for a minute. And maybe “listen” to you guys have some intelligent discourse on the matter when I’m done.

Pretty please?

See, on a personal note, the thing is this:

This is a season in my life. I have, in my short 31 years, already been through a variety of phases and stations in life. I have occupied many different roles, and continue to do so today.

My opinions, feelings, beliefs, and values have changed over time, and also continue to do so (maybe I’m just a flake!)

I’ve been the Curious Kid, the Ambitious Pre-Teen, the Angst-Filled Teenager, the Party-Hardy Young Adult.

I’ve been a Slacker, Driven College Student, Hopeful Graduate Researcher, Disillusioned Degree Seeker.

I’ve been an Ice Cream Scooper, Weight-Loss Trainer, Milk-Shake Maker, University TA (Teacher), Retail Temp Worker, the Manager of an Upscale Store.

I’m a High School Graduate, College Graduate (BA), and Grad School Graduate (MA).

I’ve been Drama Club Dork, Band Geek, Phi-Kapp-Phi, Psi Chi.

I was Magna Cum Laude. And I will still laugh at the middle part of that.

I’ve been a Daughter, Sister, Best Friend, Jerk, Worst Enemy, Girlfriend, Cheater, Ex-Girlfriend, Mistress, Betrayed Wreck, Lost Soul, Fiancee, and Wife.

Now I’m a Momma, Mommy, Mother, Mom.

I’m a Woman. A Person.

I’ve been an Atheist, Agnostic, Christian, Other.

I have FREAKED OUT on people. I have held my tongue and moved on.

I’ve been a Thief.

I’ll even admit to having been, to some degree, no matter how small, Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, Righteous. (Feel free to throw stones. Just make sure to step out of your glass house first.)

I’ve also been Moral, Just, Tolerant, Humble, Meek.

I’ve Wronged, Grudged, Apologized, Forgiven and Been Forgiven.

I’ve learned and grown and changed and loved. I laughed, cried, rejoiced, wanted to die, and just been mellow.

I’ve regretted, hoped, wished, and planned.

I’ve done wrong and I’ve worked to make things right.

I’ve been compassionate after being judgemental, and understanding after being intolerant.

I’m a Woman. A Person.

I used my heart, body, and mind (BRAIN) all the way from there to here.

Now is when I have a website where I talk about my current station in life, and the experiences related to that. Now I happen to be a mother who is not gainfully employed outside of the home (label me whatever you want – “Mommy Blogger,” SAHM, Ignorant Loser, PunkAssBitch – whatevs).

I will talk about my child. Often. Shit is an experience I’ve had with him. I’ll talk about it. I’ll also say lovey-dovey, sickly sweet and annoying things about my feelings for him. I will post photos of him that I think celebrate his beauty, without worrying who lives down the street from me or what “weirdos” are viewing this website online, because that’s not how I live my LIFE.

Others will judge. So be it.

When I started this website, I didn’t even know about the whole “Mommy Blogger” thing. While I had recently discovered her blog and loved it to pieces, I didn’t know that Dooce had planted a seed that blew up like gang-f’in-busters and that fifty-gagillion other moms decided to write about theirs lives and kids, too, as I was embarking on just that enterprise.

I just want to talk about what floats my boat right now, ya dig? I want a creative outlet where I can celebrate exactly who I am right now (and maybe talk about who I used to be, and who I might become, too!). I want to create a history of this time in our lives for my family. I’m a mother, and I’m not ashamed that I stay at home and devote my time here. For now, it is what I choose to do, and I am lucky to have that choice. Later, it may all change. Let’s see where life continues to go, right?

Incidentally, I use this website to broaden my horizons and practice other interests I have, such as writing and photography. And, of course, I have other hobbies and interests that I’ve never even mentioned here. But, alas, when they pick apart the “Mommy,” they judge with slanted eyes while viewing just a slice of life. Just the portion you’ve had time to tell.

Like I said, it may be a little ridiculous that I am even offended. I don’t feel that I fit the derogatory “definition” I see out there of the so-called “loser Mommy” who “has no life outside her children.” And yet, somehow, I feel that perhaps many women are being crammed into that category just because The Crammers are in short supply of actual facts, and in a hurry to judge those who have chosen a different path than their own.

Do not assume that I do not have a brain or that I am not a real person with a real identity just because of this station in my life, or just because I rejoice in and focus on things that are different than those which you rejoice in and focus on.

And I will not assume just as rude, ignorant, and short-sighted things about you.

Deal?