Second time’s a charm?
Once upon a time, I completed a workout video called “Drop it with Dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.” I tried. I really did. The outcome was less than victorious.
I was SUPPOSED TO make Tabitha D’umo my bitch. I said I was going to, and all.
Well.
Dear Lotus,
Who’s who’s bitch now? Have you counted your fat rolls lately? Have you MEASURED them? I think Kevin & Leroy are actually bigger than your entire head by now. You = Loser. You, officially, get a FAIL on Not Being A Fatass.
Love,
Tabitha “You’re MY Bitch” D’umo
Can you believe the nerve of that woman? Totally classless.
But. Um. She might have a point. I only tried to use her video a handful of few times twice once after that first time.
And while I’ve done a few halfassed other workouts, there really has been no consistent effort to be physically fit, as I was hoping there would be.
And I have alllll kinds of excuses why, but really, it all boils down to one thing: Motivation. If you’re motivated, the excuses just don’t deter you. They aren’t good enough to stop you.
“My kid just won’t let me alone long enough for me to exercise!”
Um, naptime? Bedtime? Locking your kid in the closet for 30 minutes time?
“I’m just so tired that when I have time to myself, I can’t bring myself to exercise.”
News Flash! If you’d exercise, you’d be tired LESS often. (Funny how that works, huh?)
“I’m just so busy, there really is no time for exercise, honest!”
Now that’s just bullshit, sorry. If you’re committed to something, you can find time. Make time, even.
There are about 23,475,869 things on my To Do List that I am behind on, on a regular basis. But 30 minutes? Come on, just 30 minutes every other day? We can find this, right? Even if we have to get up 30 minutes earlier? (Please do not wish me physical harm for suggesting that.)
You know what’s really motivating? When you step on the scale and discover that you keep gaining weight (what, there’s no cap on how high that number is allowed to get? crap). Or when your “fat jeans” get tighter and tighter, threatening to become your “skinny jeans.” FYI: your “fat jeans” are NOT ALLOWED to become your “skinny jeans.”
How about when you’re just.so.tired alllll the time, and holy flying pigs, did part of my side just fold over and touch itself? Oh.My.Gah.
I, who never makes New Year Resolutions, actually made a resolution this year, and halfway through the year, I am totally getting a Big, Fat F on that.
I WILL NOT BE OUTSMARTED BY MY MUFFIN TOP, DAMNIT!
So today, I attempted the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Cardio workout DVD for the second time. And HELL NO I am not able to hang with it for the entire time yet. But I was incredibly surprised and pleased that I was still alive when it was over. Both times, I have fully been prepared to die. I had my will in order and everything.
I’m going to try several things in the coming weeks and see what happens. Regular exercise (*whimper*), no more late eating (and I LOVE me some late eating), and actually sleeping at least 7 hours a night (is this possible?).
Revolutionary ideas, to be sure.
PS: Tabitha, I’m coming for you, whore.
Fatten The Assen
When Dawn did it recently, I found out about this:
So today I’m going to join in, because I freakin’ love me some food and some face-hole fillin’.
Today’s recipe request from Natural Mommy (as per her schedule) is:
Um, do cookies count as snacks? Because I have a kickass cookie recipe that’s definitely unhealthy. And you want it. Trust me.
I made them for the first time this past Christmas, and John was in love. This is a special cookie. We will only ever make it at Christmas, to preserve the specialosity. Besides, it’s a family tradition.
My mom has made these cookies every year at Christmas for as long as I can remember, and they are my all-time favorite cookies. Why are they my ATF Cookies? Well, because, they’re THE BEST COOKIES EVER. Seriously. Like, make you want to lock yourself in a closet with a batch of them and touch yourself while you eat them kind of cookies.
You’re rolling your eyes. Clearly, you do not understand.
But make these as your next sinful, unhealthy snack, and you will bow down to the wonder of:
SPITZBUBEN
But be careful. One too many of these contributed to Kevin & Leroy.
I got yer hawt right here.
This week’s Showin’ Off On Saturday Challenge is brought to you by The Hawtalucion - the movement to become “uninvisible.”
Dawn has challenged us all to put together one outfit from clothes we already own that makes us feel good. We are to “step away from the sweatpants” and Get.Hawt.
Hm. Okay. Go into my closet. Find something to wear… that makes me look good. I may have forgotten how to do this.
I mean. Um. This is what I look like on any given day:
Except I put on a bra for you, to take this picture. You.Do.Not. want to see The Rack unfettered. Trust me. I mean – if you were to do something awesome while I was sans bra, and my hands were full? I could STILL get a nice clapping sound going for you just by jumping up and down. Let that mull for a minute. Wait for it… wait for it… there’s the look of disgust I was expecting. Alright!
Okay… going into the closet… be right back…
I did it! Got clothes from the closet! How do I look!?
What’s that you say? Ohhh. They have to be MY clothes? I can’t choose from John’s side of the closet? Darn. Ok.
So. I guess these are out of the question, then, too?
Darn! I was having so much fun doing this….
Going back to the closet…
Ok! I have got to be looking hot by now! And these are all MY clothes! What do you think???
No way. This isn’t flattering? Hm. I have clearly forgotten how to put an outfit together.
Sexy… I’m trying to look sexy, right?
So, should I wear one of these? Which one?
OH. WAIT. NONE OF THESE FIT ME ANYMORE. Thanks, Kevin&Leroy and Pattie.
Ok, let me try one more time.
I went into the bedroom looking for these GREAT polka dotted pants I have… but I tripped and fell and this mess got on me:
And somehow, I think this may be what we were going for?
Wait! Let’s see…Oh. Yes. The Rack approves.
And The Arse doesn’t look half bad!
And the shoes? Come on, baby. Yeah.
It’s a winner!
Yup. Spazzazoid.
After yesterday’s slight moderate okay, huge heart-attack moment, I’m trying to stop shaking like a dorkwad and breathe normally. Why does something like that make me go all bat-turds?
Oh, yeah. Because I’m a slightly moronic Spazzazoid. Yes. I just made up a word. Use it freely.
My plan for today was to keep the “meme drawer” clean and do a couple of these thingies I’ve been tagged for. Because if you’ve been around for awhile, you have seen what can happen when I don’t keep the Meme Drawer Clean. And if you haven’t been around awhile, feel free to click and find out, man. But be warned. That’s a shizzo-lotta crap to read about me.
But hey! If you’re really into getting to know me better you can read about My Eights. Or, if you’d just like to point and laugh at my stupidity… Get In Line. Uh, I meant, you’re in luck, because you can now do that… with such wonderfully embarassing anecdotes as the “floating turd story” and finding out that you’re not alone if you have, indeed, sharted… just by reading this sexy post.
*ahem*
It’s also Thursday Thirteen, and dangit if if I didn’t get my Go-Go-Gadget Brain! in gear and decide to be the incredibly whizzomatic, geniusoriffic, and smartastical person I am (*snort*) by bringing you today’s…
7 Things Meme PLUS 6 Things Meme = Your Fabuloso Thursday Thirteen!
Holy turds, who knew I could add?
I was tagged for the 7 Things Meme by the following awesomeatious persons:
Napaboaniya
Christie
Kat
Vegan Mama
And for the 6 Things Meme by these wonderiffical peeps:
Sarie
Ray
Cookiebitch
13 Random Thoughts that floated through Sarcastic Mom’s head today:
1. Why.do.I.have.to.wake.up?
2. I’m totally unprepared for the first time I catch Braden eating a Booger. Words of advice?
3. I wonder if it’s possible to vote for Coffee for President.
4. Why can’t groceries just regenerate themselves?
5. Kevin & Leroy are still touching me innapropriately.
Hi. This is my backfat.
6. Has anyone’s vag.ina actually ever fallen off?
Hm. I googled it (“vag.ina fell off”) and discovered 2 awesome things.
1. It doesn’t look like there are any documented cases of vag.inas falling off.
2. The #2 Google Hit for that search is on THIS SITE. I’m putting that on my resume.
7. What’s that SMELL?
8. My hand just had to slip while I was checkin the diaper, didn’t it? My finger just HAD to slip into the sh*t, didn’t it???
9. Poop should not be allowed to exist. (Then there wouldn’t be any Scatastrophes.)
10. Tabitha D’umo is still mocking me. Die, whore!
11. I am a good mother. Ignore the picture below and just maintain eye contact with me, damn you.
12. It’s really not that hard to ignore your child’s screaming when it’s coming from inside the closet on the other side of the house. Really.
13. I don’t have to pull any cheap tricks to make people visit my website. It’s just because I’m such a good writer.
“The Rack”
Have a great (rest of) Thursday, friends! And don’t forget… *insert words of wisdom*
.
.
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Dance your way… dead.
I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).
Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.” I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha. Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous. I? cannot get my groove on. Period. I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.
It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.
In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.
But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!
Ohhh, Braden. Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them. Isn’t that yucky?
Ok. I’m ready, I think. But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.
No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!
No shoes. Not ready!
Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!
No, wait. I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.
Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!
DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?
WTH. She wants me to do what???
Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?
Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…
OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???
(Or did I just fart?)
Ok. Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side. THIS? Just makes me want to commit homicide.
Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.
No. I was wrong, this IS so bad. How do those cooters do this crap so fast?
Let me try one more time.
No, it was like this…
Ugh.
Braden and I decided that we both really like this kind of exercise a lot better.
My favorite part was near the end. When Tabitha D’umo said, “Are you tired!? Well, I don’t care! Keep going!”
Oh.Tabitha.No.You.Di’nt.
That skinny b*tch…
Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”
That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:
Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?
(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices. Please.)
*
And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*
Just ridiculous…
And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!
That stupid, skinny b*tch.
They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.
They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.
Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.
I hear you crying, my backfat buddies. And it sounds so sweet to me.
I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!
PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.
Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):
What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.
Keep in mind….
Things to keep in mind while trying to evict Kevin & Leroy:
1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.
2. Drink lots of water every day.
While coffee may be made using water, it does not count.
3. Healthy fats are things like avocado and olives, not doughnuts eaten while standing on or near a treadmill.
4. You will not turn into a Gremlin if you eat after midnight.
Your posterior will multiply to such degree, however, that even Gremlins will avoid being seen in public with you.
5. It is good to set goals.
It is NOT good to celebrate every hour that passes without gluttony by eating a piece of cake.
Or pie.
6. Increasing the amount of fiber in your diet will help you feel full.
Drinking large amounts of Metimusil is not the way to do this. Your toilet will not like you.
7. Vegetables are your friend.
Do not just “visit” them at the store, asking them how their day was. You actually need to take them home….
8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate. No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.
9. Apples are good for you.
Apple pie does not count. The same goes for sweet potatoes and pumpkins.
10. Eating a full breakfast early in the morning is a great way to jump-start your metabolism.
12.01am might technically be “the next day,” but it is not the time for breakfast. Also, chips and salsa is not breakfast.
11. You should aim to get in shape.
“Round” is not an acceptable shape.
12. I cannot stress how important it is to hydrate.
Put down the potato chips. I did NOT say carbo-hydrate.
13. Running after a Toddler will actually help you burn calories.
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….
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