Lead with your ass…

And follow with a smile.

That’s the motto for my life from the very first day on.

Today is the day when I pushed my ass out of the darkness and into the light, 32 years ago.

In keeping with the trend, I give you 10 assholish things about myself… in the hopes that at least one will make you smile.

Why 10?  Well, I was going to do 32 (one for each year I’m old), but…

1. I’m a lazy douche.
2. I forget people’s names.  I remember faces, but I am clueless about names.  If we ever meet, please tell me who you are and why I know you.  Or just avoid me because I’m a jerk.
3. Children who are rude in public push me one step away from being a child abuser.  I want to pop their little heads off.  I know that they are just children, but yeah. (Don’t worry, I want to kill their parents, too.  Wait, is that good or bad?)
4. I have a blogsite (duh) where I spend post after post just talking about myself.  Sometimes I even make lists of things about myself.  It’s all about ME.
5. I am married to a country music guitarist. I hate vomit at the sound of dislike country music.
6. I would shower more, but I don’t feel like it. It’s not ALL about water conservation. I’m just lazy.
7. When Braden was born, I thought the other babies in the nursery where fugly.  I was so glad he was not. (Because baby switching is TRICKY!)
8. Made a bet with John on something last night and told him, “If you’re right, you can have 10 blowjobs.” We looked it up.  He was right.  I smiled.  While he was celebrating loudly I said, “You were right, you can have 10 blowjobs… on your 50th birthday, and I’ll pay for the hooker.”  Yeah, I’m a sore loser like that.  Plus, I’m lazy (refer to #1).
9. I totally fluff the covers after I cut one.
10. I am overly emotional, highly sensitive, slightly paranoid, often highly critical of others, especially those close to me.  Do you have a problem with that?  Does it make you dislike me?  It DOES, DOESN’T IT?  I knew it!  You’ve always been out to get me.  You should worry more about your own problems, you know?  You have PLENTY of them – would you like a list?

“Cock,” Xylophones, and Shower Tacos

Things I learned this week:

1. Sometimes “Mommy” is much more capable of diagnosing and treating her kid than is “Dr.”
2. There are some of you who find it HIGHLY DISGUSTING that I saved Braden’s Baby Jerky. But for some reason, hair seems acceptable to save. ?
3. Young children are capable of breaking the sound barrier with nothing more than their very own lungs and vocal chords.  And it hurts.  Ohh, maaaan, it hurrrrrts.
4. You could win free shoes over here.
5. Sometimes it’s probably just best to keep your mouth shut.  But it’s hard.
6. Braden can finally say, “fan” instead of calling it, “esh-wheat,” which comes out sounding a lot like “oh shit.”
7. But he still says, “cock” when he’s not sure if something is a “car” or a “truck.”
8. I am going to be a panelist at Blissdom ’08!
   
9. My husband is a good xylophone player. (And Braden’s not half bad on drums.)
   
10. My heels won’t stop drying out all disgustingly, and they have forced me to use a “foot rasp” on them.
11. A foot rasp looks like a cheese grater.  Using it on your feet is WEIRD.  I feel like I’m about to garnish some type of weird shower tacos with my feet.
12. Time just keeps moving on.  Often much faster than you’d like.
13. Braden is still amazing.
    

Keep in mind….

Things to keep in mind while trying to evict Kevin & Leroy:

1. Regular exercise is essential.
Lifting food to ones mouth does not constitute exercise.

2. Drink lots of water every day.
While coffee may be made using water, it does not count.

3. Healthy fats are things like avocado and olives, not doughnuts eaten while standing on or near a treadmill.

4. You will not turn into a Gremlin if you eat after midnight.
Your posterior will multiply to such degree, however, that even Gremlins will avoid being seen in public with you.

5. It is good to set goals.
It is NOT good to celebrate every hour that passes without gluttony by eating a piece of cake.
Or pie.

6. Increasing the amount of fiber in your diet will help you feel full.
Drinking large amounts of Metimusil is not the way to do this.  Your toilet will not like you.

7. Vegetables are your friend.
Do not just “visit” them at the store, asking them how their day was.  You actually need to take them home….

8. There is a garbage disposal in the sink for that extra food on someone else’s plate.  No need for you to clean it up with your facehole.

9. Apples are good for you.
Apple pie does not count.  The same goes for sweet potatoes and pumpkins.

10. Eating a full breakfast early in the morning is a great way to jump-start your metabolism.
12.01am might technically be “the next day,” but it is not the time for breakfast.  Also, chips and salsa is not breakfast.

11. You should aim to get in shape.
“Round” is not an acceptable shape.

12. I cannot stress how important it is to hydrate.
Put down the potato chips. I did NOT say carbo-hydrate.

13. Running after a Toddler will actually help you burn calories.
Lifting and throwing him out the window repeatedly may also give you killer biceps….

I’m a stupid dork.

Thirteen (embarassing) Things From My Past That I Shouldn’t Tell Anyone

So I’m Gonna Tell EVERYONE!

1. Yes, it’s true. As a kid, I crushed on NKOTB’s Joey McIntyre. *shoot me for admitting that*

But how can you resist those blue eyes, and that “is it a perm or not?” curly hair? (it WAS curly once)

[*update* upon googling him to find the hyperlink I was going to use, I felt weird looking at his pic. Now I know why I dated this guy for 7 years. Eh?]

2. I considered giving myself an enema before going to the hospital to have Braden. The idea of crapping during labor mortified me. Time issues = no enema before hospital (can you say “my contractions were never more than 3 minutes apart?”). While pushing, I poo’d nicely. I DIDN’T CARE.

3. I was kind of a skank-ho in high school. I probably would have done the entire football team… if they had actually been attractive. Ugh @ going to a skeez, redneck high school.

4. I once actually said, “It’s like I’m a cancer patient…” about all the vitamins I was taking, in front of my (very sweet, kind, and forgiving) Mother-in-Law. Her husband (John’s dad) actually passed away from colon cancer.

I wanted to crawl inside my own butthole and die 0.3 seconds after it came out of my mouth. Even thinking of it now makes me throw up in my mouth a little.

5. I HAVE sharted. It was just sometime last year. And it was OH SO NOT FUNNY, like it was in Along Came Polly.

Seriously? That has to be the BEST word I’ve learned from a movie.

[Thankfully, it happened in our home. But if it happens to you in public, use this information on "How To Hide A Shart."]

6. My mother (hippy to the max) did not want me to shave my armpits or use deodorant. The purchase of such things for me was pretty much refused.

Already being an awkward tween, and now suddenly having stinky, hairy armpits, I was feeling desperate. I didn’t know what to do!

Then, one day, a nice young boy in one of my classes remarked with disgust, “God, Lotus, you could really use some deodorant for that B.O.”

Thanks a lot, assbag. I would love to hit him right in the face. Right now.

So, what did I do?

I stole deodorant. WTH else was I to do?

God, that is so lame. I STOLE DEODORANT.

7. On the way home from a Halloween party when I was in grad school, I suddenly felt quite green. (Could it have been the copious amounts of alcohol consumed?)

I told the driver, pull over now! He wasn’t fast enough. I puked all down the front of my dress (into the floorboard of my own car). Still jumped out onto the shoulder of the very busy highway, because more was coming.

Tore off disgusting, puke-soaked dress… assumed barfing position on ground (on all fours) in my underwear.

Got home. Walked the entire way from the car to my apartment (not a short distance) in my bra and undies. With vampire teeth still in.

CLASSY.

8. On the night that I graduated from high school, I celebrated BIG TIME, by…

Going home and sitting there. Alone.

Pathetic.

9. I have never been able to stop running my mouth. I am kind of embarassed about it whenever I think of how annoying everyone must find me. My teachers would write, “Talks too much,” “Chatty Cathy,” or other such type comments on my take-home reports.

And look at how my “list of 13 things” just goes on and on and on until you think you’re reading 50 MILLION (thanks, Jenny) things.

10. When I was a kid (and really, now, still) I had horribly pokey-out Dumbo-type ears.

Kids literally called me “Dumbo.”

I was humiliated endlessly about my ears. For years of my childhood, I was obsessed with one day having them operated on, so that people would stop thinking I was such a freak.

I hate mean kids. They should be slapped. A lot.

11. I owned a Nelson CD. That needs no elaboration.

12. I was supposed to finish my MA in Psychology in 2 years. It took me 3. While I entertained myself by becoming addicted to internet chat.

Hey, at least I met John during that time, online.

He said, “browneye” in a chat room, and the rest is history.

13. John told me that when we were first dating, he had an interesting experience.

He was visiting me at my apartment in Winston-Salem, NC. We had been hanging out, laughing, having fun, etc. He had to pee. He got up… walked down the hallway, and went into the bathroom. Closing the door, he turned around, and lifted the toilet seat.

And witnessed a large, brown floater.

Sexy or what?

Now, THAT’S how you impress the guy you’re dating into marrying you one day.

So, what’s your embarassing story?

Wanna see more Thursday Thirteen?

Meme-ity Meme Meme Meme

I was recently tagged for this “Crazy Eights” Meme by:

Thursday Thirteen, #1

13 Things I COULD Do While Braden Naps:

1. Get some sleep myself, for crying out loud.
2. Take a shower. I take a shower once a month, whether I need it or not.
3. Eat lunch. One that doesn’t include the words, “Twix” or “Snickers.”
4. Laundry. HAHAHA!
5. Kegel excercises, so the thought of doing laundry during free time won’t make me pee myself.
6. Clean up Braden’s toys. I’m thinking he already has too many. Maybe he’ll “lose” some soon.
7. Make a grocery list so I can buy real food and stop eating Halloween Candy.
8. Try really hard not to put “more candy” on the grocery list.
9. Clean the various metal pieces of the stove top with a brillo pad. DELIGHTFUL.
10. Feed Shawn, the poor puffer fish who hasn’t been fed since, like, 1974.
11. Issue a challenge for you cool people to guess why I named him Shawn.
12. Daydream about my long absent husband.
13. Utterly waste my time writing blog posts, checking e-mail, IM’ing, reading brilliant posts by amazing women, playing with photo-editing software, reading humor sites, staring at F’burner obsessively, thinking of ways to make my page look better, obsessing over why my ads aren’t showing anything but public services announcements on the main page….