He gives me the best view, even with finger smudges constantly on the lens.

Today’s Photohunt Theme is “View”

How is it that every theme has my mind swirling in so many directions, but I always come back to the littlest man in my life who, somehow, always finds a way to be the biggest part of my heart?  I guess I just answered my question, at the same time that I was asking it.

View.

Everything about “my view” is impacted, constantly changing, and challenged daily by my son.  This little guy who amazes me, challenges me, tests me…

This whole person in a super small package who believes every word I say, rarely doubts me, looks to me for what to think and feel, who is amazed when I can do something interesting…

This complex work of art that was a tiny helpless infant, is now a little boy, and who will become a grown man (far too quickly, probably in the virtual blink of an eye)… he is my view of the world now.

He is the filter that colors my world.  He is the compass that guides my direction.

He makes me rethink all the things I think I think.  Sounds weird – but you get it, right?

I’m prompted by him to question the way I have seen, see, and will see everything that passes through my visual, mental, and emotional scope.

I have changed because of him, never in spite of him.  I have changed in many ways for myself… in ways that are ultimately so that I will be “better,” for him!

My view of myself has even changed because of him.  He’s knocked me down several pegs, for sure (which is really not a bad thing).  Kids have a way of making you feel like a complete and utter dumbass laying bare your faults.  They have a way of exposing your pride and forcing you to halve it.

But he’s also taught me to love myself more. He’s shown me the parts of me that are good – things I couldn’t see, or maybe wouldn’t see.

Sometimes it’s really deep and complex – quiet moments and warm embraces full of meaning and feeling…  Lessons we’re unfolding together between us.

At other times it’s seemingly simple, and on the surface, a casual observer would never notice the depth of the emotional exchange that is occurring between us.

Tonight, as I was combing through Braden’s wet hair after his bath, he was looking at animals in a little book.  There he sat, on the top of his dresser, on a well-worn diaper  cushion, in his cute little pajamas, just pouring through that book, calling out names of things.  I was combing through his hair, questioning him about the sounds animals make after he named each one.  He got to “squirrel,” and when I asked, there was a silence.  Then he barked like a dog. (snicker)

“No, no,” I said.  “A squirrel says *insert chattering little squirrel sound that I can’t figure out how to spell here*.”  As I made the sound I moved my face around in front of his, and made eye contact with him and he tilted his head up and looked at me.

If you could have seen the amazement, the adoration, respect, love and awe that his eyes poured into mine… for such a small thing…

Well, you’d know the view from here is more than good enough for me.

And the more I focus on the view right now the less I care about anything else.

Welcome home, stranger!

In case you are wondering, I won’t be online as much for the next few days.
My computer desk will miss me, and my chair will be empty and lonely more than usual.

John will be home sometime early Wednesday for the first time in 3 weeks.

It’s good to have your best friend and baby daddy home again. I’m going to soak it up a bit.

Scratch that. A LOT.

*****

FYI: Don’t forget to keep checking out Photo Bliss – the Photography Column @ Blissfully Domestic. Great posts and amazing photos are publishing there daily. The first installment of my personal water photography series starts Wednesday at noon (CST). Hope you like it!

The total cop-out post.

Today’s Photohunt theme is “Beautiful”

Okay, I have literally thousands of photographs I’ve taken to choose from every time I play this game.
And I have MULTITUDES of photos that I think would qualify for this theme.

And yet, somehow? I can’t bring myself to take it any further than this…

One day old.

3 days old.

Cliched, trite? Maybe. Sappy? You bet your ass. The predictability of it certainly does not belie the truth of the sentiment.

Those first few days of being drunk with love and amazement are unparalleled.
He was so helpless and needy.

So was I.

But he fit into my arms perfectly, and has ever since. A piece of the puzzle that completes me.

And that, my friends, is the most beautiful thing I can think of.

Taking it one emotional bump at a time.

It’s that time of the month when I’m more emotional than usual. More sad. More stressed. More angry. More prone to tears, what ifs, and blank stares.

Recently, a long-time and very dear friend of mine named Jenny sent me an email that carries important words, and good advice. I asked her permission to share it with you all, and she agreed.

So, for any of you out there who are feeling, have felt, or will feel the same way I do right now, maybe you’ll find something here that helps you turn it around, or just to deal with it more effectively. Or maybe just to make it through another day without feeling like giving up.

**************

I know you didn’t ask for any advice, and so against my better judgment I’m going to offer some without solicitation, and I hope you’ll forgive me for doing so. You know my story, you know about all my failed pregnancies. Five years ago, I was struggling. My life wasn’t turning out like I wanted. I had dead babies instead of living ones. I had no answers and no health insurance to help me find answers. I had crazy moods and baby hamster hairballs in the shower drain and an empty womb and it wasn’t what I had planned. All my friends were on their 3rd or 4th child by then. I was tired of going to other people’s baby showers. I was broken hearted every time I looked in the spare closet and saw baby clothes and gear staring back at me, taunting me with their uselessness. I absolutely hated to hear any pregnant woman complain about her nausea, her swollen feet, her tiredness- what I would give for any of that. After the hopefulness that came with each positive pregnancy test, came the fear of loss, the inevitable emotional investment and hope, and then the emptiness of actual loss.

Then came this moment where I could see clearly: While I really do believe that most of the pain of the human experience is self-inflicted, some things are truly beyond our control. My life is not always about my choices. Things happen to us, and we get no say in how they turn out. What could I do about my childbearing life at that point? Could I change history, or even my obstetrical future? No. The situation was out of my hands. But the great realization was about gratitude. Could I hold my babies and raise them and nurse them? No, but I had other opportunities that my friends with little babies did not: I could go out of the house for more than 2 or 3 hours at a time. Heck, I could go out of town if I wanted. I could give blood, and do upside down yoga poses. I could make love to my husband without the let-down reflex squirting breast milk everywhere. I could work and take night classes. I could sky dive and ride roller coasters.

I couldn’t control what was happening to my body. I had to resort myself to the fact that 1- I may never know what is causing this to happen, and 2- I may never give birth to another living child. Rather than dwelling on those uncontrollable elements, I chose to focus on what I did have. The summation of the realization for me was this: Be grateful for what you have, when you have it.

I could spend my time and energy wanting what I couldn’t have, wishing for something beyond my control, hoping for karma or God to sort out the kinks and make everything right, or I could make the most of what I had right then, even if it wasn’t what I had hoped. I realized that no matter what life is handing me, I have a multitude of blessings to make the journey pleasant, even wonderful, if I choose to see them. Life is fluid, ever changing and shifting. I would not always be in the place, emotionally, mentally, that I was in then. Who’s to say if I’d be in a better one or not, that is also out of my hands to a degree. I knew that if I did have another child, I would have a host of other challenges, as well as blessings to appreciate. But for now, this is what I had. And I owed it to my husband and living children who were depending on me, and to God who gives me each day, to make it count for something. If not, life would end up passing me by while I hoped for what was around the corner. Be thankful for what you have, when you have it.

Again, know that I care and I want you to feel well and whole. If I’m full of crap, you won’t hurt my feelings to 1- roll your eyes and hit delete, or 2- write me back in all caps and tell me how wrong I am.

*********

Of course, I didn’t roll my eyes. I nodded and cried. And now I look back at these words often.

I think I’m going to take Braden to the park on Thursday and watch him run around and remember that the day he was born to me, whole and alive, was such a special blessing. Every day after that with him (even the tough ones) has been another special blessing in and of itself. There’s really nothing bad that can happen that can ever take from me the great gift of everything I’ve experienced so far with my son. So many wonderful things and moments – there’s no way to catalog them.

Today, I am thankful for that. And remembering to be thankful for that makes the other stuff easier to deal with.

Baby steps.

Thank you, dear friend.

It’s for me, even if I don’t know why.

Feeling pretty peaceful today. I watched a creeped out movie last night by myself (Dead Silence) which is something I like to do (watch creeped out movies, not by myself, particularly). Somehow, I made it through the night. Usually, I end up imagining only 5 less than 1,074 ways I’m going to die the night after I watch something like that alone. Seriously, don’t watch crap like The Ring or The Grudge by yourself. Or be by yourself ever again after you watch them. (Kids in the house don’t count, they’re worthless during a ghost or demon attack.)

I digress. The main point being pushed aside by my blathering is that I slept really well last night. My fingers never touched my keyboard after 9:30pm – a rarity. Woke up this morning and listened to Braden playing in his room (in his crib) until he sounded the cranky “Come Get Me NOW” alarm. Then I stripped him of PJs and we went downstairs for breakfast. Some days I just let him run around while he eats instead of sitting at the table. I know, bad eating habits and all that (blah blah blah bahl). It’s the exception rather than the norm, so I don’t buy that bunk.

He’s been running around naked, laughing his little dimples into a frenzy over Teletubbies, and shoving banana chunks, wheat chex, and rice milk down his little throat. He ran over to the television screen a while ago, pointed (so close he was touching it) and said, “weeeeehhhhdddd!!!” He was right. It was completely red, with the red Teletubby standing in the middle of it. He’s been showing an intense interest in letters, numbers, shapes, and colors lately. I don’t push it, but I answer all his questions. And I kind of stand back, observing his brilliance, then reinforcing his enthusiasm. It amazes me, makes me proud. Of course, I’m also proud every time he announces, “aaahhhrt!” (fart) and “buuuhhhp!” (burp)

I dropped onto the couch after eating my granola bars and drinking my coffee, to continue watching him parade around in laughter at these odd, annoying, little colored creatures dancing around on my television screen. Braden’s sick right now, so he’s a bit more snugglie than usual. He ran over to the couch, flashed his dimples at me, and then crawled up and inserted himself into the empty space on my torso, pressing his face into my chest. I watched him while he watched TV. And I felt so lucky.

Here I am, laying on this couch with a full belly, and I get to touch his soft skin. I get to look at his adorable face, and kiss his sweet cheek. He wants me to hold him close. And I get to. Other than John (when he’s here) I’m the only one who gets to enjoy Braden’s sweetness in this way. I’m the only one who gets to hold him in an embrace like this, savoring his sweet smell, knowing that he loves me.

I’m the only one (most of the time) who gets to see him doing things like this:

I’m the only one who gets to see his cute and funny little dances this morning, and receive his hugs full of love and confidence. For that, though I see no reason why I deserve it, I am infinitely thankful.

No snark today, folks. Just blessings for your Friday. Here’s hoping your week wraps up pleasantly.

Hidden treasures in my phone.

Was actually
thinking about not posting
at all on Friday.

Just not feeling like
it really. I vomited
my soul yesterday.

So what’s left today?
Then browsing my phone’s photos…
felt compelled to share.

Here are some photos
taken with my phone since B
was born.  Such treasures.

In the hospital, day after birth. (10.17.06)

Grin

March 30, 2007

Cutesie

Just like Momma.

Just like Daddy. (04.28.07)

Lookin’ good together. (10.21.07)

Baring it all. (11.14.07)

Jammin’ a nanner. (11.18.07)

Bathing with a buddy. (12.05.07)

Evil car nap. (12.18.07)

Being his silly self. Such long hair! (02.09.08)

There are many more,
to be sure, but I will spare
you further photos.

These hidden treasures
are there to be found when we
seem to need them most.

Thirty-Nine

To the wonderful father of my son…

And a husband who is comfortable
and silly enough to let me do this…

 

Happy Birthday.  I you.

 

PS: Haha, you’re old!

PPS: Just kidding.  But you will be next year!

 

To Readers: You are NOT old if you are 39 or 40.  Just John.  So that I can make fun of him.  You know.  For being OLD.  And for being in High School when I was, like, 7.  Hah!

19 Months

Dear Braden,

I really should have written you this letter allll the way back on May 16th.  That was when you turned 19 Months old.  That was when you officially crossed over the half year away from 2 mark.

However, I have been playing the avoidance game with my letter to you concerning your 19th Month.  I have really wanted to write it, but every time I thought I just might get to it, I found something else to do instead.

I’m sure this is somehow related to the sorrow that is attached to my other memories from that time period.  I am very sorry about that, son.  I want you to know that my pain will never be more important than you.  Sometimes, though, I just need a little (or a lot of) time to work through it.

Thank you for helping me do that.

What I really owe you right now is your 20th Month letter (which you will have by next week), but I can’t bring myself to write it without adressing the month I let slip by, first. 

And while I won’t have a truly complete letter for you about your 19th Month without torturing both of us, I do want to give you some highlights…

You used to say, “aba” or “arpa” for “airplane.”  I made the mistake of telling you that they are “up in the sky.” 

 

Now you gaze up into the sky at the planes flying by overhead… and call them “gite!”  It’s maddenly adorable.  I’m sure you’ll straighten that out at some point.  That, and your tendency to call fans and lights “esh-wheet!” because whenever you pointed to the ceiling fans/lights and said, “liiiight!”  I said, “That’s right!”  So, your non-”r” pronouncin’ self calls them all, “esh-wheet!” now.  No one ever accused me of being the best mother out there.  Forgive me?

Another weird word thing you started doing during this time was calling both bears and dogs, “Meat.”  And I SWEAR, this one was not my fault!  You started off calling dogs “ogg-ogg” and bears “bit” (that whole inability to pronounce “R’s” thing).  For some reason, one day, you just decided they were both “meat.”  While it is kind of gross, it’s also really funny.   Especially the way you hold off the “T” whenever it’s on the end of a word.  “Meeeeeeaaaaaaaaaa……TTTT.”

In an interesting addition to your exclamations, you started screaming, “I DID IT!” every time you put one of your bath-toy ABC letters on the bathtub wall.  I didn’t even know kids your age could use, “I” appropriately.  It’s obvious you’re a genius.

Aunt Karleigh visited this month, and she found a different way to play with the letters.  She’s obviously also a genius.

On the health front, we finally gave in and ordered an allergy test for you.  We’ve avoided it previously because of the sticking you with needles thing, and the MONEY thing.  In the end, we just needed to know for sure that we weren’t wrong when we assumed you were able to eat the foods we were feeding you. 

There’s something about being your Momma that makes “guessing” when it comes to your health a really crappy seeming and unacceptable thing to do.  You were cleared of all allergies.  We were able to give you all the foods you love again, and after completing a simple (yet huge – a full half) reduction of your liquid consumption, your bowel movements have become manageable instead of liquid hot magma.

Chalk (“CHOT!”) has been a huge obsession.  You are IN LOVE WITH chalk (and crayons).  I have begun to worry that if you could, you would BE chalk (or crayons).  But, I kind of love it that you love that stuff.  I see me in you when you love stuff like that.  Let’s hang out a lot, okay?

Oh yeah. We’ve been putting you on your potty to pee for months. Generally, you start peeing, and then we put you on it to finish. We’re proud every time.

Then, you did this:

And you didn’t pee… but DUDE, you sat on the thing all by yourself! I WAS SO EXCITED. If you only knew how happy that kind of thing makes me!

 

I am never disappointed in my desire to watch you learn. You never stop!

You’ve been interested in your and our “eyes” for some time, but you experienced a Face Parts Explosion this month. You now point out “Eyyyyye!” and though you don’t say it, also ears and nose when questioned.  I’m so proud of you, Face Parts Boy.

 

In so many ways you are learning, growing and discovering. Every Single Day.

Always exploring.

Always questioning.

Always looking for something new.

Always eager to solve the problem.

Always studying the details.

 

And as I watch you do all of this?  Over and over again I already face a hard realization.

Every day, with every step you take, you are taking one more step away from me.

And while I loathe that idea with all of my being…

I hope with all my heart that I’m preparing you well to leave me behind some day.

 

Love,

Momma