Bright and beautiful, we remember her.

Every purplish flower I see makes me think of her.

I seem to see them all nowadays.

Purple Flowers for Maddie, photos taken 4/6/10 by Lotus Carroll

She just can’t stop making the world brighter, no matter what.  This website is purple for her during April.

Madeline Alice Spohr / © The Spohrs, all rights reserved

Madeline Alice Spohr - © The Spohrs, all rights reserved

We remember you, Maddie.

Love,
Lotus, John, & Braden

Even if it’s a crooked rainbow with colors missing. It still counts, damnit.

This past Sunday was an anniversary.

But not the kind you celebrate with an extravagant weekend getaway.

If you’re like me, it’s the kind you await with anxious trepidation, wondering what sick emotional games your head and heart will play with you.

A year ago last Sunday I suffered a miscarriage.  It was the first (but not the last) time I would experience the realized loss of a living being within.

The bottle of Prometrium prescribed by the kind, helpful, and compassionate doctor on the other end of the phone with a sobbing, fretful, worried mother that night, one year ago last Sunday, still sits in my kitchen cabinet.

I still don’t have the heart to throw it away.  Yet, I have no use for it.  Seeing it reminds me of the baby.  That’s not a great thing, but it’s not altogether a bad thing, either.  It’s just… a thing thing.

Even though that first miscarriage ripped my heart out, and then I got an injection of Unexpected Hope only to suffer another Cosmic Sucker Punch, I have experienced a bit of healing in a whole year’s time.

But I don’t want to forget.  And I don’t mean forget the babies (which I most certainly will not).  I mean the pain.

There is something about the pain that is left after something that tears at your heart so fiercely.  There is something about it that I don’t want to lose.

That sounds crazy, doesn’t it?

Perhaps it’s just the idea that this pain is the only thing I have left of this baby (of both of these babies), and the thought of letting go of it and moving on is just… well, shitty.  Unpoetic as it may be, that is the best word for it.  Letting go of that pain feels shitty.

If I can smile all day long every day (even when I’m looking at the damned bottle in the kitchen cabinet), then it feels as though I have nothing left of them.  As if it does not matter that they were here one moment and then gone the next.

Fault me for it if you will, but nutty as it sounds – this pain is a tragically beautiful thing, and I don’t plan on letting go of it until I am holding my babies somewhere.  Whether that is in some eternal dream or Heaven, or wherever else… that’s when I’ll release this gnawing grief.

Until then, that very pain helps me appreciate every hug, flower, and ray of light in this world.  Because I’m a foolish girl, and when the light of the sun shines too prettily for too long, I have a tendency to take everything that’s good in my life for granted.

This pain?  The way it lingers and sometimes flares up?  It taps me on the shoulder and says, “Be grateful, woman.” It’s my reminder.

I refuse to even want to let go of that.

This past Sunday, I planted flowers for our lost babies, who we call Taylor and Davin.
They were purple alyssum, a choice made in order to simultaneously bow my head to another soul that was spirited away too soon.

I could want to be numbed (and some nights, I kind of am) or I could wish for complete healing, to leave these feelings behind and forget them.

Instead I’m going to hold onto what’s left of this pain, and when it feels the most raw, I’m going to try as hard as I can to turn that prism of pain toward the light, so that it creates the most beautiful rainbow I can make that effer shoot out.

Also, washing dishes is so last year.

04.15.09 Wisdom

The past couple of weeks has been a blur.

Kind of a purple blur, if you know what I mean.  If you don’t, well.  I don’t have words eloquent enough to explain it to you.  She does, though.

As the days pass I’m learning lessons about love, loss, friendship, and allowing myself to just let go and be led (by what, I’m not entirely sure – my heart, mind, conscience, Brigade of Righteous Gnomes?) to do what seems right.

Not waiting for a permission slip to do good, or a forgiveness for past good that should have been done elsewhere, but was not.  Not overly worried about my rightful place or whatever.  Just letting myself be led by whatever the heck the thingie is that’s leading me.

Wow, that is so clearly stated!

So much of my life I’ve looked back over my shoulder half the time and the other half, I’ve spent worrying about every little detail of what I should be doing.

Just doing that living and growing thing for now.  Feeling maybe too much and acting perhaps with too much emotion. (Which is really not unlike me at all, anyway. Big Ball of Emotions, FTW!)

I tend to quite regularly rely on a personal shtick of humorous complaining.

Lately, nothing I want to complain about seems worth the energy by the time the breath hits my lips.

Energy is much better spent elsewhere.

And I am so not talking about the laundry.

And so lately, I’ve: Listed Walks, Walked in Maddie’s Honor, Pressed Pretty Purple Paper, Talked to Mah Beloved Crackah Beeshes, Held My Loved Ones Closer.

Clean/Unwrinkled clothing is SO overrated.

(And just for the record so are mopped floors.)

I am bowing my head for Madeline Alice Spohr.

April 14th, 2009 2:30PM, Pacific Time

She is fluttering her (purple?) angel wings and smiling down with love.

We will not forget her, Heather & Mike. <3

madeline

-courtesy Mrs.Schmitty

Walk For Maddie

For 2010 March for Maddie Information and Teams, please CLICK HERE.

Click Here for How To Start A MoD Walk 4 Maddie Team

********


April 7th, 2009, Madeline Alice Spohr unexpectedly passed away. Now, people all over are coming together to honor her and her family.  This post will show you a few ways you can do the same.

People around the country are organizing teams to walk in Maddie’s honor at their upcoming March of Dimes Walks. It is so easy for you to join in.  Just sign up with the team close to you and go walk that day.

I’ll update here as new teams are announced.

Facebook Walk Teams Group

Click Here for How To Start A MoD Walk 4 Maddie Team

Click to see a map of teams so far, it’s pretty darn cool.

Teams assembled so far:

(alphabetical by state)

*Organizers: please inform me of your teams so I can add them.

If you want to join one of these teams and walk for Maddie – please make sure you click over to the team page and sign up to join that team, so that you’ll be on the roster. It’s very easy and free, so make sure you complete that step so each team knows who’s walking with them!

It will ask you to enter an amount as you goal when you sign up.  Just enter anything – you can edit it later if you want. Don’t sweat that part, just throw something down and sign on.

Service for Madeline: Tuesday April 14 at 2:30 pm, Old North Church, Forest Lawn, Hollywood Hills.

Central Page for all things Maddie:
March for Maddie

More information:
For Maddie
March for Maddie
Mad About Maddie Spohr (Paypal button code here!)
In Maddie’s Name
Flickr Group In Honor of Maddie (anything to honor her, including photos of you in purple for her)

Madeline Alice Spohr – this photo was posted by many at 2:30 Pacific Time 4/14 to honor Maddie

Operation Purple Balloon – Please Participate!

Purple for Maddie Spohr – if you’re wearing purple for Maddie, or turned your blog or twitter page/avatar purple for her, please add your link to the appropriate section here.

Beautiful Memorial Video For Maddie by newrose

Shirts have been designed (by Heather Durdil) in purple with Maddie’s face on them.  These are available for purchase here: Maddie’s T’s All proceeds go to The Spohr Family.

John, Braden and I are committed to Nashville Team Maddie. We’d love for anyone in the surrounding areas to join our team and walk along with us.

Information for the Nashville Walk:

Nashville Team Maddie Page – please go there and register with our team!

April 19, 2009
Centennial Park
2500 West End Ave
Nashville, TN 37203

If you can’t walk with us, please make a donation: any amount will help us get to our team goal for Maddie. (These donations are in Maddie’s name, even though the account carries my name – I had to create a profile to be able to create “Nashville Team Maddie.”)
Thank you so very much.

You can also still offer to help Heather & Mike with expenses via Paypal: formaddie@hotmomreviews.com

Or donate to March of Dimes directly through Maddie’s Original Donation Page

PS: Any incentives earned from donations to the Nashville Team Maddie walk team will be turned over directly to The Spohrs.

In her honor.

Madeline

Last night, I saw @mamaspohr’s tweets, and found out that she was at the hospital with Maddie.  I visited Heather’s site and sent her my love.  I was worried, but I was sure Maddie would be taken care of and would recover.

I was wrong about that.  Last night, Heather and Mike Spohr lost their sweet daughter Madeline Alice.

I am choked for words.  But I have plenty of tears.

John and I took a moment out of our morning to pray for Heather and Mike.  We believe Maddie is with God now, but we understand that this is not going to be an easy time for her parents, family, and friends.

It’s not an easy time.  I am heartbroken for this family.

Heather & Mike: we are thinking of you, and sending you all of our love, support, strength, and prayers.

In Madeline’s memory, please support the March of Dimes, which helped the Spohrs during Heather’s pregnancy and Maddie’s hospitalization after premature birth.

You can go here to donate in her memory: Maddie’s March of Dimes Page

UPDATE: If you’d like to do even more, please consider donating to help Heather & Mike with the services at this Paypal account: formaddie@hotmomreviews.com

UPDATE 2: We want to get as many people as possible involved in joining their local March of Dimes walks, coming up, in honor of Maddie. How many of you are willing to walk for Maddie soon? Speak up! We’ll start putting up information on teams that are gathering.
So far there’s this in the Cincinnati area: Sadness in the Blogoshpere

NASHVILLE AREA: If you are in this area, and would like to join our walk team: The Nashville March of Dimes Walk is on April 19th. I’ll be posting more as I get things in order. If it’s at all possible, go ahead and mark your calendars to walk with us.

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