Dear Hasbro, Disney, Mattell, et. al

In the spirit of calling Lotus’ missing mojo back from it’s prolonged vacation, here’s a rant I’ve been brewing since Christmas day. This may not actually call that spoiled mojoho back all on it’s own–it’s hard to top foot rubs and chocolates, but I’ll do my best to contribute to the siren song.

*Ahem*

Dear Revered Big-Brand Toymakers,

Beloved gods of toys, who bring joy to millions of children, I am but a humble mother of one who extends these unworthy suggestions for your gracious and almighty reflection:

• If you are going to rate something 3+, then please make the fracking little pulls and knobs actually operable by 3 year-old fingers. If my kid can’t open Wall-E’s trash compartment and shove the little plastic pieces of trash in there on his own, then take that mofo off the shelf and back to the drawing board. “Maaaaaaaama! Waaaaaaalllllleeeeeee!” has been the theme song of my day, and I’m beginning to fantasize about telling my kid that his Wall-E died and throwing it in the trash. Any future therapy bills will be sent your way.

• Make your trains so that my 3 year-old can put them back on the tracks all by himself. Believe it or not, I don’t want to stop what I’m doing every 90 seconds all day long, to keep a train going ’round and ’round on a little plastic track. Hard to believe, I know.

• Make knobs for twisting easily twist-able. My kid did not train for Christmas with a Grip Master. He does not have miniature He-man fingers. I do not want to wind up that stupid toy even one more time, as long as I live.

• Make on/off switches larger than the head of a pin. And while you’re at it, don’t hide them underneath fur and up the ass of the toy! Okay? Really. Why is that necessary?

All I ask is that you make some small modifications to these toys so that your intended customer can use the damned things without constant parental assistance. I like playing with my kid, I really do. But I don’t live in your fantasy world, where I hover in the background wearing an excited smile, just waiting to be needed while made-in-China character toys break down.

Thank you for your prompt consideration.

Sincerely,
Kat
A Loyal Customer

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When she’s not busy ripping the toy industry a new one or dying her hair pink, Kat blogs at Just Kat Stuff about a little of everything.  She claims to defy description.  Go over and see if you can sum her up.