With a Little Help from My Friends

My mojo read my post yesterday, and she sent me a really bitchy text message:

“Duh, there are lots of really great bloggers around you who might be willing to help you out a little bit until I feel like coming home.”

And, darn that hag, but she’s always right. She’s got the groove like that.

So I asked around a bit yesterday (do you guys realize just how freaking great Twitter is?), and it looks like some really great people are going to help me get through this, while keeping you all quite pleasantly entertained. Each of them is simply fabulous in his/her own way. And I am immeasurably honored and delighted that each of them said yes when I asked them if they’d guest post for me sometime in January.

So, as I bounce around trying to find my motivation, and hammer my way back to producing content I feel like showing you guys, there will be some amazing guest posts here, from those other bloggers.

If you’d like a sneak peek at who’s going to be popping in sometime during January, check the sidebar. I’ll be adding a list of them there as they sign on to guest post.

I’ll still be in and out, making sure you don’t forget all about me in the presence of real talent posting here and there throughout January. Because, let’s face it: Mojo or Nojo, I will have things I need to say.  (That whole “mouthy” thing.)

But they’ll be filling in the gaps I would have otherwise been leaving while mired in the Muck of Blah.

They’re giving to me (and you) of their minds and their time. That’s the most sincere gift you can give a person, quite frankly. I am thankful to them.

And I know you are all in for a treat. I hope you enjoy each post. I know I will.

But how the hell my mojo even got a cell phone is beyond me.

And it’s going to be bothering me for some time.

Mah Mojo, She A-Go-Go Away

It’s true. My mojo is what usually drives me to rant, joke, and jibber-jabber.

But she’s gone.

And I’m feeling like I’m just a shadow of my former self, right now.

My usual M.O. is that I have silly/sarcastic/bitchy/rantlike/dumb thoughts and reactions to things throughout the day, most days, and I share them with you in my posts.

But depression of a special kind has whisked my mojo away to a far-off land and is rubbing its feet and feeding it chocolates, and it does not want to return to me.

Yes, my mojo has taken a page from my book and has become a selfish, self-centered, gluttonous lazy douche.

*sniff*
I’m so proud of that freakin’ bitch.

So, lately, when I’m not crying The Ugly Cry or whipping out some classic Big Fat Ugly Lack of Grace I feel like I’m just “blahing” it through the day.

It’s not that I haven’t had things I wanted to write about, or good ideas for posts.  In fact, I have been having ideas off and on every day… moments where I think, “Ah, I should tell them about this….”

But I’m lacking that “oomph” I had before that actually started the engines.

I still have passing humorous thoughts, but they don’t linger, and when I think about creating a post surrounding one of them, my head starts feeling really heavy and my heart just sighs and doesn’t feel like it.

Clearly, my head and heart are yet another couple of lazy douches. This whole lazy douche thing is really contagious, yeh?

[Aside: Have you ever noticed how often I talk about being a lazy douche? And you thought trolls were good for nothing. Thanks, Dana, for the most fun running gag I've found since talking about my bewbs (aka The Rack). Seriously, trolls are funny.]

Anyway, I’m still here, still bitchyesque and rantalicious with a little happy sillification trying to make its way back in. And I’m sure it will, eventually. Just couldn’t go on living if that didn’t come back, really.

Most of the time my motivation control knob is turned up to a higher level. (In fact, it goes all the way to 11. Unlike most other knobs that only go to 10. When I need an extra push, I can go “one louder” than you losers with only 10….)

But right now, some asshole has me turned down to about 3.

Bear with me… it might take me some time to get back to “full volume.” But I promise I’m going to do my best to grab that knob and try to crank it.

Heh.

Could you get right on that, Eclipse and Orbit? Thanks!

When I wrote recently about how I’m re-motivated to attack my fat rolls, get in shape, and lose some more weight, some of you said, “Me too!” and others said something like, “Tell us how it goes, we need encouragement!”

So, um, I’m going to keep you updated on how I’m doing and what’s working for me, and you can chime in and let me know the same.  In this way, I get held accountable by all of you to actually keep doing this!

It’s really very easy to sit on the couch and eat popcorn and M&Ms.  Eating healthy all day (or rather, just NOT EATING ALL DAY LONG) and keeping myself moving is the hard-to-do thing!

Since the last post I wrote about all this, I’ve actually hung out with Billy Blanks 4 times.  Yes, I know that is a small number of times to write on a page this big.  But I actually feel REALLY triumphant about it, because I wanted to give up EVERY TIME and I DIDN’T. (I also had to wait out a nagging lower back pain - remember to listen to your body when it tells you to wait a couple days!)

I still fall on my face at least 5 and a half times each time I try to do all the stuff Billy’s doing, but at the end when he says he loves me, it makes me all gushy and stuff.  And the bruises really do fade away after a couple of days if you make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D and K.  So, you know, I keep at it.

The cool thing is that I actually am getting better at that crazy Tae Bo crap, and I’m able to complete more of the video each time.  When I get winded, I grab a glass of water, sit on the edge of the couch, and keep moving my arms and legs while I sip the H20.  That keeps me hydrated and gives me a little time to catch my breath while I’m still keeping my body moving (any movement is better than none).  When I feel stronger again, I jump right back in with what Billy’s doing and keep at it.  There is no shame in this!  In fact, practicing this type of acceptance about what your body is currently able to do will help you actually stick with the program long enough to see results and improve your performance over time.  So don’t ever feel bad about listening to your body.

I have yet to re-attack Miss D’umo specifically.  But you just wait.  I am going to do that before long, and I will make sure to post pictures for all you lovely people.

My snacking curb tip for right now is that I drink a ton of water and I chew gum.  It really actually helps dispel some of the pointless snacking I want to do.  (As for meals, I’ve been eating stuff like this.)

If only they’d come out with ChocolateCakewithWhiteIcing flavored sugarless gum, then my life would be complete.

What works for you?

Second time’s a charm?

Once upon a time, I completed a workout video called “Drop it with Dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.”  I tried.  I really did.  The outcome was less than victorious.

I was SUPPOSED TO make Tabitha D’umo my bitch.  I said I was going to, and all.

Well.

Dear Lotus,

Who’s who’s bitch now?  Have you counted your fat rolls lately?  Have you MEASURED them?  I think Kevin & Leroy are actually bigger than your entire head by now.  You = Loser.  You, officially, get a FAIL on Not Being A Fatass.

Love,
Tabitha “You’re MY Bitch” D’umo

Can you believe the nerve of that woman?  Totally classless.

But.  Um.  She might have a point.  I only tried to use her video a handful of few times twice once after that first time.

And while I’ve done a few halfassed other workouts, there really has been no consistent effort to be physically fit, as I was hoping there would be.

And I have alllll kinds of excuses why, but really, it all boils down to one thing: Motivation.  If you’re motivated, the excuses just don’t deter you.  They aren’t good enough to stop you.

“My kid just won’t let me alone long enough for me to exercise!”

Um, naptime?  Bedtime?  Locking your kid in the closet for 30 minutes time?

“I’m just so tired that when I have time to myself, I can’t bring myself to exercise.”

News Flash!  If you’d exercise, you’d be tired LESS often.  (Funny how that works, huh?)

“I’m just so busy, there really is no time for exercise, honest!”

Now that’s just bullshit, sorry.  If you’re committed to something, you can find time.  Make time, even.

There are about 23,475,869 things on my To Do List that I am behind on, on a regular basis.  But 30 minutes?  Come on, just 30 minutes every other day?  We can find this, right?  Even if we have to get up 30 minutes earlier?  (Please do not wish me physical harm for suggesting that.)

You know what’s really motivating?  When you step on the scale and discover that you keep gaining weight (what, there’s no cap on how high that number is allowed to get?  crap).  Or when your “fat jeans” get tighter and tighter, threatening to become your “skinny jeans.”  FYI: your “fat jeans” are NOT ALLOWED to become your “skinny jeans.”

How about when you’re just.so.tired alllll the time, and holy flying pigs, did part of my side just fold over and touch itself?  Oh.My.Gah.

I, who never makes New Year Resolutions, actually made a resolution this year, and halfway through the year, I am totally getting a Big, Fat F on that.

I WILL NOT BE OUTSMARTED BY MY MUFFIN TOP, DAMNIT!

So today, I attempted the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Cardio workout DVD for the second time.  And HELL NO I am not able to hang with it for the entire time yet.  But I was incredibly surprised and pleased that I was still alive when it was over.  Both times, I have fully been prepared to die.  I had my will in order and everything.

I’m going to try several things in the coming weeks and see what happens.  Regular exercise (*whimper*), no more late eating (and I LOVE me some late eating), and actually sleeping at least 7 hours a night (is this possible?).

Revolutionary ideas, to be sure.

PS: Tabitha, I’m coming for you, whore.