Posts Tagged New Year’s Eve
Random Grease Lyrics, Long-Lost Twins and Ryan Seacrest’s Evil Plot to Destroy the World
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Guest Post, Humor, Rant on January 1, 2009
A few days ago Lotus asked me to guest post for her and my first reaction was, “Okay, as long as you don’t mind that I’m kind of a bitch and I go off on weird tangents sometimes and say lots of really offensive shit when the mood strikes me,” but then I remembered who I was talking to and realized that Lotus and I totally go together like Rama Lama Lama and Ka-Dingy-Da-Ding-Dee-Dong, or Shoo-Bop-Shoo-Wada-Wa and Yippidee-Boom-Dee-Boom.
And the more I thought about that the more I realized that Lotus and I are clearly long-lost twins who were tragically separated at birth, meaning that I must have been adopted and my parents have been lying to me my whole life. So I called my mom and I was all, “How COULD you LIE to me like that and keep me apart from my twin sister that I haven’t known about for all this time?!?! That’s just so UNFAIR and CRUEL and WRONG! I HATE YOU!” And my mom was all, “You’re crazy, chica” and I was all “DON’T CALL ME CHICA YOU’RE NOT EVEN MEXICAN!” and she was all, “Calm down, psycho” and I was all, “YOU’RE NOT MY REAL MOTHER AND YOU CAN’T TELL ME WHAT TO DO!”
And then she showed me my birth certificate (again) and I was all, “Well, okay.”
And THEN it occurred to me that Lotus is like 10 years younger than me so that whole twins-separated-at-birth theory really didn’t hold water to begin with.
I was a little embarrassed but it was just my mom, so whatever.
I guess I’m relieved that I never got around to calling the Adoption Board.
And now here I am and I should be writing something really deep and profound because this isn’t my blog and I should show some respect for the Lotus, but I’m completely fixated on the ad I just saw for Dick Clark’s New Year’s Rockin’ Eve (with Ryan Seacrest) and I am beyond pissed off that Ryan Seacrest exists and is a celebrity and now he even has his name in parentheses on Dick Fucking Clark’s New Year’s Eve special. That show’s been a staple of the Times Square celebration since TV was invented or something and now it’s being defaced by this meticulously manscaped douche bag, and we’re all just letting it happen.
I can’t believe the American viewing audience has become so complacent that we’ve allowed this person who’s obviously Evil incarnate to worm his way onto our television sets at all, much less giving him the keys to the Times Square Ball Drop. Wasn’t 2008 bad enough? Do we really need Evil to stick it to us one last time before we finally say Sayonara to this shitty year?
It’s apparent (to me, and evidently, ONLY me) that Ryan Seacrest is the first Horseman of the Apocalypse, with Mario Lopez obviously being Horseman #2, and Poverty is already here so Famine must be just around the corner. And nobody’s doing anything about it, we’re all just sitting around drinking our cheap champagne (because no one can afford the good stuff anymore) and wearing our silly hats with our hands raised up in the air like we just don’t care, shouting “Wooooohoooo!” between hiccups and pretending to know the words to Auld Lang Syne and accidentally falling into the abnormally large potted plant at someone else’s house (not that I’ve ever done ANY of that) (but seriously, did that plant really have to be so BIG?) while Ryan and Mario exchange knowing glances and smug smiles because none of the normal people have realized yet that we’re all doomed to a life of shitty made-for-TV Lifetime movies and lame televised events with mediocre hosts in lame, not-funny-at-all-because-you’re-trying-too-hard slogan t-shirts.
This isn’t a very upbeat guest post, is it?
Well, I can’t help it. The end is near. Open your eyes, people.
Say I’m lame. Say I suck. Just don’t say I didn’t warn you.
Love,
P.S. I really overused the word “obviously” here, didn’t I? Huh.
P.P.S. My apologies to Lotus for all of the above. Obviously.
P.P.P.S. Happy New Year.
P.P.P.P.S. Does anybody actually know the words to Auld Lang Syne?
P.P.P.P.P.S. The really sad thing is, this is like my eighth draft.
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When she’s not dutifully warning us all of the impending apocalypse, Bejewell is over at her website, The Bean. Hop over and find her going off on random tangents filled with fart jokes, rants, and a plethora of sarcastic bitchiness. What more could you ever hope for?
Goodbye, Cruel Year
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Blogging Stuff, Depression, Mental/Emotional, Miscarriage, Miscellaneous Blabbering, My Son, Parenting, Pregnancy, Relationships on December 31, 2008
December 31, 2008
Dear 2008,
You were my first full year of blogging on my very own, self-hosted website from beginning to end. That was a happy thing about you. As I have written and published posts on my website this year, I’ve learned, grown, healed, changed, triumphed, laughed and cried.
I had a few trolls, it’s true. And unfortunately, I often take the trolls too seriously. I’m an emotional, sensitive chick with a high need for love and a fair amount of insecurity – it’s easy to slice me to the core. But, yes, trolls are just silly, angry people with too much time on their hands. I think Backpacking Dad said it in my favorite way recently, on Redneck Mommy’s site:
“I love trolls. They’re so cute when they take their little poos everywhere.”
What’s more important about blogging for this whole year is that I’ve made wonderful friends and received love and kindness, as well as laughter and good cheer, from people I never would have met if I hadn’t stuck with this blogging business.
2008, that was so good about you.
My baby turned into a little boy this year, too, 2008. He had his first haircut and finished getting all his teeth (finally!). He asked to sit in a big chair (!!!), and the high-chair is gone.
My little boy, just this past week, left his crib. He is sleeping in a bed now. *heart beating hard*
He sings songs with words, and dances. He counts to 20 and knows all his letters. He can drink from a juice box and he’s learning how to brush his own teeth. He can take off his socks, pull down his pants, and he’s playing with the idea of actually using the potty again.
He snuggles his cheek up against mine, puts his hand on my other cheek and says, “Hufff-yooo.”
He quotes Spongebob Squarepants and asks me for milk when he’s thirsty.
He looks at me and says, “Aww, duuuude.”
No longer a baby, he is a boy.
This is bittersweet, 2008. My heart gets this panicky, tight feeling as I watch Braden grow so fast, 2008. So very fast.
But then it swells with pride. He is MY boy. I am so grateful for him.
So that has been good, as well, 2008.
I even finally lost the last 15lbs of my “baby weight” and got back to pre-pregnancy sveltness while you were around! That was phenomenally good, 2008. I was so incredibly happy to be moving more swiftly, and feeling lighter. (And fitting back into those hot jeans was certainly not a bad thing – bow chicka.)
Also, 2008, you gave me not just one, but two more babies. What a joy it is to find out there is a life growing inside of you. What an amazing, phenomenal thing that so many take for granted – a thing many of us just brush off as easy, or incidental.
It’s not, 2008. It’s incredible. It’s a delicate, vulnerable thing. A beautiful thing. When a live baby is born, it is a miracle of sorts.
Every time.
You taught me that, 2008.
You took them both back before I got to kiss their foreheads. I miss them so much.
That was very much not a good thing. I don’t like you right now, 2008. It’s going to take me a very long time before I can look at you again without tears in my eyes. I want to grab you and shake you until you feel as bad as I do.
I keep trying to be mature about it, 2008, and see all the good things we had together. I keep trying to count my blessings, 2008, because I know they are many!
But you know what?
Right now, I just can’t. And that’s okay. For awhile, I think I am going to let myself hate you with all of my heart.
For awhile, I am going to be a child.
It’s not fair, 2008. It’s not fair.
I’m not your friend anymore, and I don’t want to play with you ever again.
It’s not fair.
2009’s Anxious Mistress,
Lotus
Yeah, I know, lists/ugh. I've always been bad at accepting compliments, and this is no different. I was surprised and honored by this - someone thinks I've done a good job. Icky Listness aside, that makes me smile. :-)lotus works
lotus supports
lotus is impressed by her friends
lotus digs
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