Yes, I am a dumbass. Now let’s pretend this isn’t over a month old.

Here’s a story I never shared with you… b/c I forgot to post it.  Wow, can anyone say, “dumbass?”  Well, would you still like to read it?  Hope so!

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In the spirit of reveling in the good, the night I was writing this post, I decided to take Braden to the park the next day, watch him run around, and just generally enjoy being outside.

Does it sometimes seem like just when you’re trying to turn the corner on depression, the shit rains down on you?

Braden had a horrible night sleeping that night. I was just saying to John last Tuesday night that Braden has been sleeping so well for some time now, and even though his sleep habits used to be awful with crying and carrying on all night, now he does wonderfully!

News flash: JUST DON’T EVER SAY THINGS LIKE THAT OUT LOUD!

The very next night (the night I decided to be all happy and travel to the park the next day) he took hours to go to sleep. I had to hold him 3 times and spend over an hour in his room after his original bedtime, to help him go down. Then he got up at 2:30 and decided it must be morning.

WHAT THE HELL? He never does that!

Oh, hai, did I mention that I had not gone to bed yet at that point (yes I’m an idiot)?

I tried taking him to my bed when he wouldn’t go back to sleep in his. For an hour and a half we played the, “Sleep For 10 Minutes, Then Play for 15 Minutes” game over and over again. As cute as it was, by 4am, NO ONE IS CUTE TO ME IF I’M STILL AWAKE AGAINST MY WILL. So I took him back to his crib.

Luckily, he only screamed for a little while.

The next morning, I was shitasstired.

I reminded myself to be grateful and to go enjoy the day anyway. So we did breakfast, and I packed up things we would need at the park. My face only dragged on the floor 93% of the time while I was rounding things up.

Coffee is good, but it does not work miracles. Drugs are bad, but I would have snorted cocaine that day.

It seemed like everything was going very well. Braden was fed and dressed, I was fed and dressed. The bag was packed. Suddenly, I realized it was hot out and I needed to pack water for the boy.

I put the diaper bag in the car, and came back to get water. Braden rounded the corner into the kitchen and saw the door to the garage open. I closed it. HE DIED A SLOW AND HORRIBLE DEATH.

It was LOUD.

Time-Out was had.

During time out it was LOUD. I stood in the kitchen and tried to remember not to curse hatefully.

I also tried to remember not to wish I was dead.  Or deaf.  One letter, either way, it would be quiet.

Once that episode was over, I took the water and the child and we got all situated, snapped, and buckled into the car. While I was buckling Braden into his seat, he pointed to the dome light and gleefully exclaimed, “Iiiiiiigggghhhhttt!!!” Aww. How cute!

I hopped into the front seat and strapped myself in, slamming the door shut.

Key in ignition. Turn.

Nothing.

Blank stare.

Key turn.

Nothing.

Extreme restraint of desire to say pissfuckshitdamnhellmotherfuckercuntlickercocksuckerWHORE!

(And, while I have potty mouth, it’s really not usually that bad.)

From the back seat, “Iiiiiiiiiiggggggtttt!!!” (gleefully)

I looked at the dome light. All the doors were closed. It was still on, dimly. Guess who had GLEEFULLY exclaimed about the light the other day when we were getting OUT of the car, slapping at it and messing with it? Oh, hai, that would be my child, who must have switched it to the CONSTANT ON POSITION right before we got out of the car, unbeknown to me.

Hahaha. I can has dead battery? YUP.

So, jumping way ahead (past me whining on the phone to John) and the AAA guy shows up. He was there in no time, he was polite, he juiced my battery in no time. (John, don’t read the next part.) It did not damage my day that he was a really super-hot hispanic guy with a dazzling smile.

(I might kill the car battery on purpose next time? KIDDING! KIDDING!)

The rest of the day was lovely. The park outing was beautiful… even though I forgot everything but the water the second time we loaded up. It didn’t matter. We didn’t need any of it.

We ran and played in the grass. The sun shone down on us.

The world did not end. It went on, and it was even fabulous.

Even though I’ve felt the need to vomit out all that crap up there on you? (Thanks for letting me do that!) I’m choosing to focus on the good stuff, this time.

More baby steps.

Onward, Soldiers!

Hello… this is Braden James.

Mommy is currently passed out asleep, drooling, and I took the opportunity to get online and try to contact some friends out there…

If you are a Mommy or Daddy… this post is not for you… don’t you have a diaper to change, a bottle to fill, or a shower to take?

I have been inspired by Amy’s Revolutionary Sleep Training Guidance.

Initially, I saw this post by Alex over at Alex, Year One and was really interested.

Then I read this post about The Revolution and this one about The 12 Steps by Amy on Sleepless Nights, and really got my engine revved.

Now I would like to give some advice of my own to other young minds out there.

Here are some things any Toddler can do to break a Mommy’s spirit. This is quite a comprehensive daily plan. Please bear with me. You will definitely find some useful information here.

[Please note that these things also work on Daddies. My Mommy is the Parental Unit I harass more frequently because she is available to me for such harassment more often, so I will be referring to "Mommy" throughout. Just insert "Daddy" if that is more appropriate in any given situation.]

Work any and all of these things into your daily routine:

>Do not act happy when you wake up in the morning or from naps. If you used to act happy/play/talk, etc. that is GREAT. The switch from that to sudden, shrill crying everyday instead will be a great attention getter.

>Your breakfast is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Throughout the day, when Mommy introduces a new activity, act like the activity is pleasing, then, with absolutely no warning, dissolve into hysterics.

>Whenever you are done with a drink cup/bottle, hurl it as far as it can go. If possible, hit Mommy in the face with it. Hard.

>If your Mommy tries to lay down on the couch and rest a little, while watching you play, as soon as she is horizontal, run over and slap her in the face real good with both hands. When she recoils and stares at you, smile as cutely as possible.

>Have no less than 6 tantrums during the course of the day. It doesn’t matter what they are about. In fact, it is better if it’s impossible to tell what they are about.

>Any time you are down on the floor for more than 3 seconds, run to Mommy and cry to be picked up. Once you are up, squirm to get down. As soon as your feet hit the floor, cry in an utterly abandoned fashion, and crumple helplessly in a heap of tears.

>The food is never prepared fast enough. NEVER. React accordingly.

>Your lunch is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Nap Time is RIDICULOUS. Sure, you are tired, but you should choose when you sleep, and where. Whenever Mommy tries to put you down for a nap, wail and moan about it. You will, inevitably, fall asleep, because you’re so tired from all this hard work, but before that happens do your best to complain, wiggle, squirm and fuss until you can feel Mommy’s pulse elevating.

>The sooner you can wake up from Nap Time, the better. Don’t forget to scream, as per the first tip. Also, if you can take short rests during the day, you don’t even need Nap Time.

>You want to go outside at all times. ALL TIMES. If the door is even slightly approached by anyone in your presence, FREAK OUT. Give it all you’ve got.

>If you do get to go outside, once you are out there, make it clear that you had no desire to go outside and act like your Mommy is such an incompetent moron that you are about to have a mental breakdown just from looking at her.

>It is understandable if you want to have some fun outside. Outside really is wonderful. But just make sure that you mix in some displeasure, at least mild displeasure, periodically, and cling occasionally. Just to keep her on her toes.

>Hard toys are great for bashing Mommy in the face. Anything will do, as long as it is not even remotely soft.

>The diaper area is the Pit of Hell. If your Mommy tries to keep taking you there, start whining on approach, and by the time you are placed there, buck around wildly, scream, and try your best to roll/clamber/climb/jump in any direction you can.

>If the diaper scenario is repeatedly tolerated with no reaction by your Mommy other than firm resistance and singing, etc. then you must get specific and it must be brutal. Try launching yourself off the diaper changing area with reckless abandon, as if readying to do a belly flop in water. There is, of course, no water, so crash into the floor, full frontal. Make sure to bash your face into the floor, cutting the tissue that connects inner-upper lip to gums. Blood will flow freely. Scream like your head has just caught on fire. CLING.

>Your snack is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If Mommy has to pee, and you can follow her, try to climb in her lap while she is doing it. If she won’t let you, wail and moan about it. Run off crying real tears.

>Whenever Mommy is trying to do ANYTHING that doesn’t involve attending to you directly, you must either: cling to her legs crying and trying to climb up, get under foot and trip her, or try to push her out of the way over and over again. Persist ENDLESSLY with whichever of these you choose, until she gives up and attends to you directly.

>Make sure you are as accident-prone as possible all day long. Stumble, trip, fall, waver, and wobble all day long. Bash your head into anything you possibly can. Look for things you can pinch your fingers in. Bite yourself if you have to.

>Your dinner is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If you are teething (and ESPECIALLY if you have some teeth already) your Mommy’s neck and shoulder are GREAT places to clamp your jaws down. Do it as hard as you possibly can, and with no warning. If Mommy reacts with an exclamation of pain, act as if she has frightened you and cry immediately. This will turn the tables on her, making her the aggressor.

>If you can get your hands on anything remotely expensive like a cell phone or camera, throw it as hard as you can, preferably so that it lands on a firm surface, like tile or marble flooring.

>Bathie time is incredibly fun. There is not much you can do to ruin it. You can attempt to frightfully immerse yourself occasionally, but most Mommies are too fast for this to cause a real issue. A real winner, here, is to push out a poopie in the bath water. Do NOT give any advanced indication that you are going to do this. Also, if you have toys to play with, it is a good idea to throw them at Mommy.

>Bedtime is at your leisure. If Mommy tries to put you down before you feel like it, resist every step of the process. Towel-drying hair is to be accompanied by the scream of a thousand pins being driven into one’s eye. Pajama donning should not be achieved in under 10 minutes. If she gets an arm in the sleeve, remove it immediately. Intense kicking during “pants application” will help slow the process.

What to do throughout the night is a WHOLE other topic. Amy gives great direction in her 12 Step Plan. Make sure you check it out.

Footnote: In order to truly destroy your chosen Parental Unit(s) you must employ the “Mix-It-Up” Technique. This means go with The Plan for a few days, then switch to “Perfect Child” mode for at least 3 or 4 days. Sometimes, PC mode should last a week or more before you bring The Plan back into action. There are even times when PC mode is required to last for months at a time. But always bring The Plan back into action.

Every time you bring The Plan back into action, the Parental Unit(s) will be immensely shocked and disturbed. For some reason, after the end of each installment of The Plan, the Parental Unit(s) believe it will never come into action again. This proves they are naive idiots.

Varying things this way will cause significant damage to the stability of the Parental Unit(s)’s mind(s), thereby giving you more power to mold them to your will.

Good luck, and Onward, Soldiers!

Rock ‘N Roll All Night

The Boy definitely drove us wild last night.

Last night can only be described as:

HOLY CRAP, THAT WAS THE SUCKIEST NIGHT EVER.

Well, actually, I can remember much worse nights, in the beginning, when Braden was singing like he was auditioning for The Opera from 10pm to 4am, nonstop. And that was definitely worse.

And he didn’t even get the part.

But last night was an out-of-the-blue ass-kicking.

When we were about to give The Boy his Bathie, he felt ‘too warm’ to us, so we took his temperature.

Rectally. I don’t know about you, but jamming something into my kid’s Pooper is one of my absolute favorite things to do. (I also like jamming scissors into my ear, putting my hand over an open flame, and stabbing myself in the eye with a sharpened stick.)

And, YAY! It was 100.7.Ruh-roh!

We instantly started The Panic Routine.

“What do you think is wrong with him? Should we call the doctor? He can’t have the flu! Does he feel too hot to you? Should we check on him again? What could possibly be wrong with him!?”He has been having Ultra-Mega-Baddie Teething just lately. I have read that sometimes kids run a fever when they teeth… granted, this has not occurred with Braden as of yet, but who’s to say it happens every time?

By the way, Molars = SUCK.

In fact, Molars have 2 purposes:

1) Grinding and tearing food.

2) Making a parent’s life a living hell.

Hi! I’m a Molar.

I originate in Hell!

Satan is my Master.

We gave him some baby Ibuprofen (Mmmmm, the brand name tastes best, apparently – thanks, Braden!), did the Bathie, and put him to bed feeling less warm.He cried out several times, and we checked on him periodically even when he didn’t cry out. Around 1am we checked on him and he felt normal to the touch. Woo-hoo!

Early “Woo-Hoo’s” are a bad idea.

We laid in bed talking, laughing, and acting like goofballs until 2am. That’s the Lotus & John Show, regularly scheduled. Then we decided to turn off the bedside light and go to sleep.

Lights off.Braden starts howling.

I’m gonna cut the story from Long, Whiny, and Boring to Somewhat Shorter, but Still Whiny:

He cried, whimpered, fussed, fidgeted… screamed. We gave him more Ibuprofen and changed his diaper. Got up with him over and over, eventually holding, rocking, singing… then putting him down and whispering, patting, rubbing.

No sleep for us until after 5am.

And then he still got up at 8am. You know, because he likes to “rock and roll all night, and party every day…”

Why did I give up drinking again?

Help A Sister Out, Ya’ll

I started my blogging career off over at Myspace (*throws up in mouth a little*). Over there, I have a relatively new myspace friend named Tina (screen-name is Yabbo).

She recently posted a blog asking for help. She has a ten-month old cutie named Mikey, and a silly, kind hubby named Joe.

She is having sleepy-time troubles with Mikey and would really like to hear the opinions, advice, and experiences of other mommies.

Now, you KNOW that when I said “sleepy-time troubles” a special string in your heart twitched. And probably, it felt nostalgic… and maybe it made you a little sick to your stomach.

The following is the content of her recent post (with her permission):

[PARENTS PLEASE READ - I NEED HELP!

No, not MY parents...

Anybody who has kids, I need your help. I don't care if you're an old pro or a rookie mommy like me. Mikey is driving me crazy with his fighting of sleep. When I tell people that my boy fights sleep or doesn't sleep well, I just get that ,"Yeaaaah, I know," reaction. It's the same thing I got when I first had Mikey and I would tell people that I was having a hard time and couldn't stop crying. I really needed help, somebody to talk to, and it was like nobody understood where I was coming from. Well, except Joe, but I needed womanly help. Joe really couldn't identify what was going on with my body.

So, mommies and daddies, I need help. Not a reassuring nod or smile (I can't see you, so it won't help anyway), I need stories and ideas. I want to know if your kid(s) has/had sleep issues. What did you do to help them sleep independently? How did they learn to just go to sleep by themselves?? It upsets me that something that seems to simple is the most difficult and aggrivating thing in my life.

Here's my story.

So at first Mikey wouldn't sleep alone. So we started co-sleeping. Dr.Sears said it was great. And it was. I say again, it WAS. Mikey is 10 months old now, and I would like to share my bed with my husband ONLY. My shoulders hurt from the way I have to sleep every night with a baby next to me. Don't get me wrong, it is wonderful seeing his one-toothed grin in the morning, but I really need time alone with Joe, you know? It is interesting that the websites I listened to that told me co-sleeping is so great have no ideas for getting the kid out of your bed. No exit strategy. Does George Bush run these sites?? I have been getting Mikey to sleep in his crib for naps, but they only last for half the time they do when I hold him or sleep beside him. And then he's grumpy and generally unpleasant. I'm planning on doing cry-it-out for night time soon. I just want him to get used to sleeping in his crib a little longer, thinking maybe it will help.

So, now your turn. I need ideas, people. And since the co-sleeping people think I should sleep with my son until he's 30, I'm not turning to them. Besides, they're strangers. I need help from people that know me and my family.

Thanks alot!]

So… can ya help a sister out, ya’ll? It would be REALLY nice if you, Dear Reader, would comment here and offer your words of kindness, advice, experience, and wisdom!

Don’t worry about writing “too much” or “too little,” in fact, don’t worry – just write!

Us mommies (and daddies) should always try our best to help out other Parental Units in need.

And if anyone out there is currently feeling the same woes as Tina, comment that, too! Hey, you might get some ideas from the comments here….

And if you don’t have kids, you can always offer a kind word… and direct your friends/family with kids to this page.