The best of today.

Because sometimes you just have to take the pulse of your Twitter followers. while you’re drunk and curious about what the best part of their day was and try not to laugh when people say things like “I didn’t crap my pants.”

I asked:

Which, I fully acknowledge, is a total ripoff from Dora the Explorer. But I PROMISE I won’t ask your kids a question in a minute, and then tell them that I want them to say the answer LOUDER.

(What a cunt! Who authorized that in a children’s show? As if I need my kid saying ANYTHING LOUDER.)

Ahem.

I thought you might like to see the responses I got…

Holy.Shit.

Can I just say, it’s really freaktasting hard to do all those damn image captures and links when you’re drunk? Because, um, yeah.

I’m not even going to tell you how many times I had to correct the typos in that last sentence. The first time I typed it, it said something about fromage crimpage when I’m stank.  Or something of that nature.

During my quest to find out what the everyone’s favorire part of their day was, @undomesticdiva queried the same back at me. My asnwer was:

It’s true. And it works pretty much any time you try it, in case you’re wondering.

What was your favorite part of today?

When the fungal growth begins the insults relating to how long it’s been since you last shaved, it’s time.

Psst. I have something to tell you, and a question.

*waving you in this direction*

Come closer. I’ll tell you.

No, closer. I’m going to whisper, and you need to be really close to hear.

Okay, ready?

I scrubbed my shower yesterday.

*looking around and over shoulder*

It was time.

*biting lip*

You know, *cough* Spring cleaning and all.

I mean… uh, not that I don’t regularly clean my shower. Heh. Yeah, not like that’s the case.

*fidgeting*

So, uh, you know… I clean my shower, you know… as often as you clean yours.

*leaning in*

*expectant*

How often would you say that you do that, anyway?

Not that I’m gauging my own level of disgusting neglect by what YOU do or anything.

Nope, not at all.

*whistling*

*still eyeballing you; waiting*

Tell me lies, tell me, tell me lies…

Right now, it’s Sunday afternoon, I’m working on The Internets and John is watching football. It’s relatively quiet, because Braden is taking a nap. I actually just made John turn down the TV so that B wouldn’t wake up early.

That’s right. I do not want to see my kid sooner rather than later right this minute.

I miss my cute kid when he’s sleeping, but I DO NOT miss the screaming and tantrums. Helllloooo, he has been into the terrible 2′s since he was about 17 months old.
Now that his actual 2 Year Birthday is about 2 weeks away, he’s ramping it up, BIG time. He has taken to being really angry at the drop of a hat lately. Like how, without notice, he will scream in my face.

He is lucky he is so damn cute. I swear, if he had, like, a second, troll-like head growing out of his neck… or maybe a talking wart in between his eyes? I would definitely keep him locked up under the stairs and feed him bread crumbs.

Okay, okay, that’s not entirely true. I love him too much, and besides, there’s no ‘under the stairs’ place here, so he’d have to just go in the closet. And he’s become far too wise for that – every time I pick him up and head towards the closet now, he screams and kicks and bites me until I drop him. Damn quick learning. I mean, I swear I’m only taking him over there to get his jacket so we can go outside. (shut up, it’s not hot here, shhh.)

The thing is – Braden has just entered a phase where he is REALLY FUN to be around! He says so much now (and, HAI! we can understand him!) and he’s funny. He dances around, makes cute jokes, and does amazing things. Did you see my video brag on him? Oh, you missed it? Well here’s a new one!

(By the way, feel free to tell me I’m a show-offing bitch, because I absolutely know I am. I never meant for that to happen, really, but F It. I’m proud of him! Neener.)

He knows all his letters, though “J” confuses him, and he knows 1-9, but “7″ catches him off base. Clearly “J7″ is his nemesis. And colors! Green, red, blue, yellow, orange, purple, pink, white, and black. Is he a genius? I hope so. I want him to get a job soon and start contributing to the family income.

Anyway, the point is that he is highly entertaining and much easier to get along with WHEN HE’S NOT BEING AN ASSFACE.

That’s the other thing – he is spending significant amounts of time being AN ASSFACE. And he has really, really elevated his level of Assfacieness. It’s the kind of stuff that makes you want to rake your fingernails down your face. Know how some things make you want to do that?

Never? Hm. Really? Ok, let’s just move on and pretend I didn’t say that.

What I want to know is, how long does this “I’m A Super Effing Brat” stage last? (And God Help You if you tell me, “Oh, Lotus, mine is 16 and he never stopped being AN ASSFACE!” because I just might hunt you down and cut you.)

In other words? LIE TO ME.

TELL ME LIES. SWEET.LITTLE.LIES.

You can be the man behind my curtain, folks.

Quickly, before I start — I have my second ever article posted at Quirkee.com on Thursday. It’s all about semen, green poop, and horses breeding with humans. You know you don’t want to miss it, right? Hahaha. Please show me some love in comments over there, so they’ll let me stay on!

To go right to my article, CLICK HERE.  I think you have to register to leave me a comment, but I WILL LOVE YOU LONG TIME!

Don’t forget to check out the rest of what Quirkee.com has to offer – there is some really great talent and hilarious stuff over there.  I know my readers will appreciate the atmosphere.

***

My post from the other day (I wonder about stuff… alot.) has provided what I would say is the most fun I’ve had in my own comments section in a very long time! Of course, it took a lot of time, and I wouldn’t be able to do that with every post, but I’m going to try and do it with all of the “I wonder…” Series posts.

I was very happy to see so many of you come and talk honestly, giving your thoughts and reflections on the questions I posed to you. And I greatly enjoyed responding back to each comment. I have to thank Jennifer at Playgroups Are No Place For Children for talking about the awesome WP Plugin that allows a blog author to respond to a commenter on the post and also emails the response to the original commenter. Excellent!

I wanted to talk about a couple of things related to that post. One is that it is very clear that most of us censor ourselves, to some degree, on our websites. Some of us *cough* do it very little, and there are only a few topics we won’t talk about. And it runs from that all the way to the other extreme where some of us feel they can’t talk about hardly anything they really want to on their own website.

We all need to be able to get this stuff out. We’re writers, damnit! And this is our release! Know what else? If any of us are holding back, we’re also keeping what might be a really beautiful, wonderful, hilarious, or touching post locked inside ourselves. Can I just say that sucks? I want to help release those posts into the world for other people to see. So I’m going to do another project…

I’m planning on launching a blog, an “AnonyBlog,” so to speak. I’ll set it up, advertise it, and moderate it. And everyone is invited to come to me, get registered as an author, and post about whatever they cannot post about on their own website. The only person who will ever know who you are is me, and I will give you a written agreement that I will never disclose your identity, or link it to your piece. You write under a Pseudonym, I schedule your posts for publishing. When comments come in, I moderate them. Anything truly hateful will never see the light of day. In this way, you never have to experience any negative feelings related to your emotional release. We all get to breathe a sigh of relief. And that wonderful post, or just that crazy rant! that was locked up inside of you will finally get to be read by others. And that’s a gift to them.

It will take me some time to flesh everything out and get this launched, but in the meantime, I’d like for you guys to start emailing me if you are interested in posting on this “AnonyBlog.” Let the subject line of your email be “AnonyBlog” and just tell me you’re in. This way, when I’m ready for posts to start being submitted, I can just email all of you who are interested back, and you can get to work.

What do you think? I’m thinking it’s going to be pretty interesting.

The other thing I wanted to say is that I was also very intrigued by the results to the poll from that post. The poll basically asked, Have you ever held something back in comments that you wanted to say HERE?

As of 9:30PM, CST 07/30/08:

52 said, “No, it has never happened.”
20 said, “Yes, but it’s no biggie.”
8 said, “Yes, and I was upset, but not anymore.”
4 said, “Yes, and I’m still upset.”
1 said, “You’re a lazy douche.” (Only 1? Wow!)

thelotuscarroll@gmail.com

I eagerly invite anyone who answered “Yes…” to email me and talk about it. I urge those who said, “Yes, and I was upset, but not anymore.” to email me and tell me what upset them. I would really like the opportunity to learn and grow. And I implore those who said, “Yes, and I’m still upset.” to email me, and let’s talk about what’s happening. In the end, we may have to agree to disagree. But if I’ve slighted anyone, I would really appreciate the opportunity to apologize, perhaps make things right. Clear the air. Get rid of bad feelings. Forge onward.

Can we do that? I really hope so. Because, hell, ‘you could say that I’m a dreamer.’

‘But I’m not the only one.’