No, really.

What?  Hey, I can guarantee you that there is some serious wrecking with the alcohol going on right about the time this here beauty publishes.

Here’s hoping that 2011 will bring to all of you the things you most desire from it, anything you didn’t find (but wanted) in 2010, and also… lots of cheese. (You can never have too much cheese.)

Remember too, that all the low points your year is bound to have will only serve to create stark contrast with the great joys you are sure to experience.

May we all be able to focus more greatly on the latter.

Happy 2011, Y’all.

My resolve doesn’t celebrate The New Year.

Do you make New Year’s Resolutions? I don’t. I never have. I have always seen making them as this thing that other people do, like buying lottery tickets or having sex on airplanes. I don’t do it. I think it must be great fun considering all the hype, but I’ve never felt the particular need to do so myself. Besides, I can think of good reasons not to buy a lottery ticket (I also don’t burn money or throw it in the trash), and who wants to try that hard for an orgasm with the airplane sink faucet up their ass? Those bathrooms are seriously cramped. Count me out.

When I was 24 I had the realization that I had tried my first cigarette at 12, and technically, I’d been smoking for half my life. Whoa.

For half of my life, I’d been working on an addiction that held no positives for me or anyone around me, and something about that made me realize what a hold those damn things had on me. It was the disgusting and shocking realization I needed to be completely ready to give up the dangerous habit for good. I was successful. I have never looked back, and my only regret is that I ever picked up that first cigarette.

I had attempted quitting two previous times. I can’t remember specifically why I embarked on the effort the times that I failed. When I try, I draw up vague ghosts of reasons like, “smoking is bad, m’kay” “smokers smell even worse than patchoulied up hippies, man,” and “that shit is expensive, yo!”

None of those reasons was the right one for me. Yes, of course, not killing myself and polluting the environment SHOULD have been good enough reasons, I know. Chalk that up to Me = Assholeface. For whatever reason, I didn’t have true resolve. I wasn’t ready then. When I was, however, I was passionate and serious. Something inside of me would not let me fail.

I think this encapsulates the reasons why I don’t make New Year’s Resolutions. It feels like a faddy waste of time – if I’m ready to make an important change in my life before the New Year, I see no reason to wait. If I’m not ready at the New Year, I see no reason to force a change that is so much more likely to end in failure.

Will you be ready to stop smoking/lose weight/quit being a nagging bitch of a wife in 2010?

If so, will you be ready because it’s the right time, the reason is pressing, and you feel passionate about it? Or will it just be because the page on you calendar flipped over and you feel trapped by tradition? If you fail, will you get back on the horse, so to speak, and kick that thing’s ass? Or will you give up because “it’s just a NY resolution” ?

All of that being said, I feel the need to make the point (lest you hurl rotten tomatoes and used tampons at me) that I DO think it’s AWESOME to make healthy and positive changes in your life, no matter what time of year it is.  If The New Year is your time, go for it.  If you like to make a New Year’s Resolution, I do hope you’re successful. And if you’re not, there’s always 2011, right? *wink*

As for me? I resolve to stay up too late and drink too much on New Year’s Eve.  That’s about as far as I can go.  Baby steps.  I think I’ll wait until at least when pigs fly out of my anus 2020 to even think about hitting that ‘nagging bitch of a wife’ one. I can’t imagine being anywhere near ready for that ever anytime soon.

Today’s post is my answer to The Resolution, a writing challenge at {W}rite-of-Passage.

The following people took the challenge, too.

Let me introduce you to Kevin and Leroy.

We’re a full day into 2008, and I’m going to tell you that NO! I did not forget to post my resolutions.
I just like to show up late for everything.

In 2008, I resolve to:
1. Breathe
2. Eat
3. Continue being a spazzy dork. (Why fight it? Besides, Mrs. Flinger says she’ll be my BF for being just like her in this way.)

(Can you tell I don’t really make serious NY Resolutions?)

Oh yeah, and I would also like to see if I can lose something that I discovered clinging to my back the other day.

Do you SEE THAT THING?  Yes. You do.  Because it’s huge.  I think its name is Kevin.

*gives Kevin the finger*

That is a fat roll that was not there before.  Do you remember my Fatty McFatterton post?  Well, I actually lost 5 lbs in the weeks following that post.  Then… I must have missed them, because I found them all again and even more.  I think there’s something about feeling like crap (aka, the D word) where all my fat cells start campaigning for my hands to shove things into my facehole so that they can multiply, because misery loves company.

Of course, Kevin’s twin brother, Leroy, is currently residing on the other side of my back.

*gives Leroy the finger*

So, anyway.  Yeaaaah.  The other day while I was cramming Mexican food into my facial orifice, I started doing the Happy Food Dance… I was moving my upper body side to side… when suddenly I noticed that…. Uhhh, HELLO?  Part of my back was folding over and touching another part of my back and THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.

So.  Uh.  Yeah.

And can I just say, for the record… OMG, DID I ACTUALLY SHOW YOU GUYS THAT PICTURE?

I have nowhere to go but up now.