Yup, it’s another long one, folks. 

While I was writing this post the other day, my thoughts kept reaching further and expanding and dividing and growing.  

I want to take a moment, first, to make sure you all realize that I did not mean to put down working parents at all.  What they do is just as much their decision about what is right for them/their families as the choice to stay at home is my decision about what is right for myself, Braden, and John, and I really respect that.  Hell, sometimes it’s not even their “choice” so much as they just have to do it.  What I really wanted to get across in that post was the point that I wish we could sing Kumbaya and just support one another as parents, no matter what the shape of our lives is (or even WHY our lives are that particular shape). 

I saw this point made excellently by Miss Britt’s Mother when she said,

“Having been both, I can tell you that SAHM’s suffer pangs of guilt and envy – whether they admit or not – because they’re not “contributing” financially to their families and their lives are “boring” – while working moms experience the agonies of the damned because they “don’t spend enough time” with their kids or “put their kids first”.

What would be better would be for PARENTS to have more compassion for each other, and respect for each other’s decisions for what works in THEIR lives, without justifying those decisions, without bashing the decisions of others.” 

(By the way, I just found Miss Britt’s site recently, and if you haven’t read her yet, you really should – she is damn delightful – funny, intelligent, well-written, and real.)

When I read the above quote, I felt like I was nodding my proverbial head so freakin’ hard that it was going to fall off and roll across the room.  Because it strikes to the heart of the matter about us all picking and bitching about one another’s choices.

That being said, I wanted to expand on something that hit my brain while I was writing that other post.

In talking about how I may discuss “Mommy” things endlessly here, and kind of defending that, I was also talking about how I am not “just” a mommy.  But I started thinking about the women out there who really do define themselves as Moms first and foremost, and care about little else.  And I was wondering, why, exactly, do we demonize them for that?

For the record, I do think it is very healthy to have interests in your life that do not involve your spouse or your children.  My amateur photography is such a thing for me, and while I definitely take photos of my kid and hubby, it’s not really about them, and I take tons of other photos.  And while I post on my website primarily about my family (but not exclusively) the exercise of writing all of this is really for me.  (With the added benefit of it all becoming a catalogue of our lives.)  I also write poetry and prose in my free time (hahaha, free time, I know) but I don’t share those things, generally.  Just a creative outlet.  It’s nice to have hobbies and activities that you enjoy to engage in.  I feel that it is energizing and fulfilling to leave your house without your children or husband occasionally and do things that you enjoy. 

BUT.

I see/hear people refer to women who are “mothers and nothing else” occassionally.  And it’s a completely negative tone they are taking when they make that reference.  These types of statements usually lead to a stream of insults of those women, and their decisions - complete, judgemental BS about what these people have chosen to do with their lives.  

To illustrate why I find this ridiculous, would you say, “She’s just a lawyer.  She is totally obsessed with being a really good one, and she doesn’t make time for anything else.  Isn’t that just sick?”  Probably not.  Being a lawyer is something we accept as having an occupation one should be driven to completely master and immerse oneself in.  Being a Mommy is often looked at as just this thing we do to keep the species alive (anyone can pop out offspring, right?).  Don’t you dare consider it something you must master and immerse yourself in!  That’s just sick!

I wanted to say that if there are women out there who choose to identify completely with being a mother, and that is the life that they feel happy living (I think that part is key here), who are any of us to judge them as not having a “real identity?” Mommies who spend “too much” time thinking about their children are just missing out on being well-rounded women, no?  They must have it all wrong because they are not living the same lives as others, right?  How completely ignorant is that way of thinking, would you say? 

If there are women who feel they were born to be “Mommies,” and consequently throw themselves into fulfilling that destiny passionately and completely, do we think they are wasting their time?  Do we label them a shell of a person?  When their kids grow up, they won’t know what to do with themselves, right? 

You wouldn’t say that if I replaced the word “Mommies” with “Teachers,” “Doctors,” or “Chefs.”  But, um, these would all retire at some point, too, and have to “figure out what to do with themselves,” right?  What’s the difference really, other than monetary payoff?

When a Teacher, Doctor, or Chef retires, we typcially think of them as having time to themselves to pursue some other activity that they may have always wanted to pursue, right?  Maybe they travel, learn to play the tuba, or take a pottery class.  Whatever.  We don’t typically think of them fretting and becoming a complete wreck of a person because all their students, patients, or patrons are “gone.”

When a Mother’s children leave the nest, she may well say, “Well, that station in my life has ended, and I did a damn good job!  I am fackin’ proud of what I accomplished, and while I may, at times, miss actively being a Mommy, I have so many excellent memories.  Now, I’m going to insert new interest, goal, achievement, desire, hobby, or life’s dream.”

Besides, there are always grandkids, right?  And that’s where the real fun starts, isn’t it, ladies?

So, how about we drink up a dose of respecting the choices others make, even if they’re not the right ones for us?  I know I’ve had to do that plenty of times in my life – and, like real medicine, it doesn’t always taste so great, but it will do you good.

We all have the capacity to adapt – to grow and change.  Let’s all remember that.