Another example of morons who reproduce…

Image received in email from my dad… apparently credited to “www.steakandcheese.com.”

Really.  No extra words required.  You ALREADY know all the things I am SCREAMING inside my head, don’t you?

They’re bringing our kids quality, educational programming.

But as far as teaching them how to count, well…

Wait for it…






Wait for it…






Wait for it…

Or maybe they’re just making sure our kids are as depressed as we are about aging.

That skinny b*tch…

Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”

That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:

Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?

(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices.  Please.)

*

And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*

Just ridiculous…

And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!

That stupid, skinny b*tch.

Kevin & Leroy?

They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.

They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.

Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.

I hear you crying, my backfat buddies.  And it sounds so sweet to me.

I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!

PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.

Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):

What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.

From My Inbox, Episode 2

 Episode 1

So, I checked one of my email accounts the other day, and was delighted to find I had received these 2 pieces of mail:

First:
Subject: We have Local Christian Singles in your Zip Code

You do? You have them?  Where are you keeping them? And what are you planning on doing with them, exactly!?  Just who are “you” anyway!?! And WHY are you trying to get ME involved in all of this!?! *becomes frantic*

 

Second:
Subject: Meet Black Singles In Your Area

Okay.  I’m not opposed.  Is this a prime directive?  Is there something you’re implying here?  Have I come off as racist?  Did I ever say that I DIDN’T want to meet black singles in my area?  Wait, was it that post where I was all, like, “I totally go to any length imaginable to avoid black singles in my area…” that tipped you off?  I mean,  I just really prefer black singles outside of my area, ya know what I mean? *wink*

WTH?

I’m really wondering why I got on the mailing list for these, anyway.

Everyone knows that I only really get hot for Hispanic Atheists.

Sheesh.

PS: You look sexy today.  Did you vote for me yet? 

*This just in!*

I’M NOMINATED IN 4 CATEGORIES? OH MY HECK!

So… you know… if you voted for the photography, could you also… um…. *nudge, nudge*

Vote for me here if you think I have freakin’ awesome photography!

Vote for me here if you think I iz funnee!

Vote for me here if you think I Rox tha Momminess!

And don’t forget to vote for me here if you think I’m Fackin’ Hot.

From My Inbox, Episode 1

I get some interesting crap in my inboxes. I’ll bet you do, too. Let us laugh at it, here!

Just a few days ago, I received this gem:

[Dear Friend,

I know that this message will come to you as a surprise. I am the bill and exchange manager in BANK OF AFRICA (B.O.A) ANNEX, OUAGADOUGOU Burkina faso. I Hoped that you will not expose or betray this trust and confident that i am about to repose on you for the mutual benefit of our both families.

I need your urgent assistance in transferring the sum of ($15.5) MILLION to your account within 10 or 14 banking days. This money has been dormant for years in our Bank without claim.

I want the bank to release the money to you as the nearest person to our deceased customer(the owner of the account) died along with his supposed next of kin in an air crash since, July 21, 2003.I don't want the money to go into our Bank treasurer as an abandoned fund.

So this is the reason why i contacted you so that the bank can release the money to you as the next of kin to the deceased customer. Please I would like you to keep this proposal as a top secret and delete it if you are not interested.

Upon receipt of your reply,i will give you full details on how the business will be executed and also note that you will have 30% of the above mentioned sum if you agree to handle this business with me.

Best Regard.
Mr Molahi Ahmed.
Please,It is top secret. OK]

There is just SO MUCH wrong with this. I don’t think I even got through 3 lines of this e-mail before I started laughing so hard that I peed a little.

(Remind me to do some more kegel exercises, will ya?)

There’s the undercurrent of “anyone who believes this is A MORON,” of course… and then the insanely poor phrasing/improper use of language that just makes you itchy with “hahaha!”

But I think my favorite part is the ending.

“Please,It is top secret. OK”

You have no idea how much I am going to say/write/everything that phrase now. Ahhh, thanks Mr. Molahi Ahmed, you have made me laugh aplenty.

And don’t worry! Your secret is safe with me! OK

Is My Baby Gay? WHAT?!

So… I’ve been noticing the Google ads on my myspace page more lately. Is it just me, or is there some FREAKY crap advertised on this site?

Have you guys paid any attention to this stuff? An especially disturbing link caught my eye yesterday, so I typed the URL into another browser window, and then I just stared at the screen with my mouth hanging open.

What was the URL?

http://www.ismybabygay.com/

Can I get a “WTH?”

This is what I saw:

Fine print reads:

[Results of your baby's sexual preference will be mailed to you within two weeks of receiving the printed saliva sample. All results are backed by IsMyBabyGay's money-back gaurantee. If the sexual preference of your bay is incorrect, we will refund 150% of your purchase price. Results are intended for entertainment purposes only. All results are final. Not available outside of the United States.]This is wrong on SO many levels. I don’t even know where to begin! I can’t believe this exists!

Okay, as screwed up as the world is, I guess I can believe it, but that doesn’t mean I’m not disgusted by it.

See, first of all, this crap shouldn’t even be an issue. We should not be even remotely concerned with this about our babies. Then there’s the wording down at the bottom, which is just utterly confusing and ridiculous. Money-back guarantee? They will refund 150% of purchase price if they are incorrect? JUST HOW DO YOU FIGURE THAT OUT?? Also, it’s for “entertainment purposes only.” So then, how can it be wrong or right anyway!? Notice that, in addition, “all results are final.” THEN HOW CAN IT BE RIGHT OR WRONG!?

Clicking takes you to this:

Fine print reads:
[The cost for this service is $19.99. You will be able to pay for it after you print and have the baby lick the sample paper.]

“Hey, Braden, would you mind licking this piece of paper so I can find out of you like doing guys?”

I am utterly weirdified.

Continuing:

Fine print reads:
[Note: Please use standard white paper to assure a proper sample. This patent-pending process will allow us to perform standard tests on the paper.]

I feel disgusted having clicked this far, even for the sake of curiosity.

Patent-pending process?!?

Are you with me on how NUTS this is???

Here’s the “test sheet”:

The Directions:

Fine print reads:
[Note: It is important to moisten the paper for 15 seconds. If the baby's mouth is dry, please have them drink water and then moisten the sample after 5 minutes.]

This is hilarious. Let’s just put aside the fact that the test is BONKERS. Look at this, they want you to hold a piece of paper to a baby’s tongue for 15 seconds. “It is important.” Dude, my kid’s not letting me hold anything to his tongue for 15 seconds!

Also, “If the baby’s mouth is dry, please have them drink water and then moisten the sample after 5 minutes.”

“Braden, what the hell is wrong with your mouth? It’s too dry. Here, drink this water so I can hold this paper to your tongue for 15 seconds. You better sit still for it too, or I’m putting you in the closet again.”

*shakes head*

Almost done!

Fine print reads:
[Note: Please mail the sample using standard USPS first class mail. You will receive our IMBG Testing Center's mailing address after you pay for the service.]

Payment screen:

Note the “happy family” pictured. Notice how the parents are all smiles and the kid looks bummed. This whole thing is really wacky.

I wonder if there’s someone out there who is willing to test my kid’s saliva to find out what his favorite color is… or what his favorite food is…. I’m curious, cause he can’t talk yet, and I’d like to know. Or maybe someone can test my child’s SPIT and tell me what profession he will choose one day or WHO HE WILL MARRY AND HOW MANY KIDS HE WILL HAVE!?

*sigh*

If these people get rich I hope the world just blows up.