This does NOT mean I have to relinquish Lazy Douche Status.

About Eleventy-Gajillion years ago, I told my readers, You Wonderful People, to ask me questions. And I said I would answer them.

And I answered all the ones that pertained to food or eating (because clearly, that is what I find most important) in due time. But then I kind of… you know… didn’t answer the rest of them.

And “Dana” called me out as a “lazy douche” because I wasn’t answering the questions – you know – on her time schedule. (Of course, I have no link or email address for her, but if you want, you can view her shenanigans for some good ole’ Troll Fun in the comments here.)

Now, while she was rather a bitch about it, I do need to get around to answering your questions, and so I am finally De-Douching for a few moments to bring you my answers.

I’m going to have to do this in parts, of course, because it’s impossible to get rid of all the lazy at one time. Especially when I’m pregnant. (8 Weeks now! Woo!)

Maria asked me, “I want to know – what do you do when you have an itch that you can’t reach and there’s no one else around to assist you in scratching it?”

Honestly?  I go into the kitchen and get the wooden fork and scratch the hell out of my back with it.  Then I put it back without washing it.  So you wanna come eat at my house?  You just might get some dry skin flakes in your pasta!

Ok, totally just kidding.  I wash it.  But I’m sure you’ll still think I’m gross.  I do lots of gross things.  We’re just scratching the surface here.  Pun intended!  I.AM.SO.FUNNY.

Dawn asked me, “Why did you decide to be a psychology major?”

Ok, there are a few things at play here. First of all, I had to choose electives when I was in high school, and one of the very few things that appealed to me at all out of the choices was Psychology.  It seemed like it would be interesting.  And I LOVED it.

I’m well suited for liking Psych because I am sincerely interested in why people behave the way they do, in the ways they feel, and why, and how those things can be modified.  I like human beings and I want the best for them.  Even if they often make me want to strangle and murder at will.

When it came time for me to choose “what I was going to do in college” there was just nothing else, other than writing, that I even gave a shit about.  I didn’t care about anything else.  And writing seemed like something I’d fail at – I enjoyed it but I was never confident enough about my ability.  My sophmore and senior english teachers might bitch slap me for that, but it’s true.

Lastly, my dad is a psychologist, and this little girl has some daddy issues.  It was a way for me to understand my father better, you dig?  And for me to get closer to him, because I could understand the things he was interested in and talk to him about them.

Also, I want to screw with your head.  Skillz.

Kat asked me, “If you weren’t a SAHM, what would you be doing with your time?”

This is SUCH a big “I Don’t Know!” question for me… but I’d say I’d either be teaching Psych somewhere, taking professional photographs, or writing poetry in a dark room while drinking wine and listening to creepy music.

And trying really hard not to seem pervy and threatening while staring at everyone else’s children longingly.  Because, come on, I would really want a baby if I didn’t already have one!

Kerrianne asked me, “Stewart or Colbert?”

While they are both very funny, and I dig funny in a big way, I have to go with Stewart.  He had my heart long ago and, frankly, he has the Hot Ass Factor.  Excuse me for saying so, but Damn, okay?

Janet asked me, “how do you shoot photos of yourself? do you use a tripod? or is it really braden behind the lens?”

It depends on the photo.  Sometimes I just hold the camera out in front of myself at an angle I feel is appropriate and snap.  If it’s off, I try again.  After a while, you get a feel for how to hold it to get what you want.

If I need a good face shot with no trial and error, I stand in front of a mirror, but I do not shoot into the mirror.  Rather, I use the mirror to show me what the viewfinder sees, and I shoot straight at myself.  I do NOT use a flash, to avoid blow-out at close range.

If I want both my hands in the photo, but just my face, I look for good light, put the camera down on something, and use the self-timer.

If I need full body, I use the tripod with the self timer.

And when Braden takes photos of me, they look like this:

Katie Ann asked me, “Do you have a girl’s name picked out when/if you ever have one?”

Yes!  In fact I’ve had a list of girls and boys names since I was pregnant with Braden which I compiled before we knew his gender.  I liked fewer boy’s than girl’s names, so there is a longer Girlie List.  The thing is that I like “weird” names, and John will more than likely Veto at least 75% of the Girl Names.  For example, I’m almost positive that he will never allow me to have a girl named “Ahava.” I have actually thought of slipping in some REALLY awful ones that I don’t really want, just to make the other ones seem pretty good.

Oh, and then there was the stupid moment when I put the names “Coral” and “Kara” on the list. Coral or Kara Carroll?  YEAH, RIGHT.

By the way, I never knew how serious people take baby names.  I’ve seen some really rude comments made about how much people hate certain names, and I’ll tell you right now, that’s dumber than a pile of shit on rocks.  Hate a name?  Insult someone else’s choice for naming their child?  And I’m not talking about crazy names like Shittake or Lemonjello or whatever.  If you have time to get really worked up over a NAME you have issues, man.  Get over yourself.  That’s all I’m going to say about that.  I think.  For now. Way to go off on a Ranting Tangent, eh?

Whew!  I’m spent.  How about you?

You’ll have to wait for another post to see more.  Because I know you’re DYING to hear all my answers.

*snort*

I guess what I’m saying is, can’t we all just get along, bitches?

Sometimes, when I’m surfing around Ye Olde Blog World, I notice, here and there, some rather harsh words relating to the whole “Mommy Blogger” Trend. The harshness seems to be multiplied when referring specifically to the Stay-At-Home breed of MB’s.

I try not to get offended. It ain’t easy, because:

1) I’m stupidly sensitive and ridiculously, pathetically easy to hurt.

2) Ack. I’m a “Mommy Blogger” (the SAHM breed), and those rude comments? Could be directed at me, easily.

(I realize that they are not, but I’m into taking things personally. It’s part of my Mental Issues thing.)

It’s funny. (You know, not funny-ha-ha, and not funny-queer, but funny-f’ed up.) I see people say things out there like how if you stay home all the time with your kid(s), you aren’t a “real person” with your own identity. Or maybe they mention that if you talk about your kids every day, or even quite often (especially if you talk about their fecal habits or post “inappropriate” photos of them), you are clearly vacuous.

[Oops. I happen to talk about my kid's fecal habits. And I'll mention now, some people have told me that my photos of Braden are inappropriate, and should not be posted all over the Internet for "pedophiles to drool over." Rather, they should be kept private. (Thanks for your opinion!)]

Further? It seems that there’s a group of people out there, for whom, just saying, “Oh, that’s just not for me,” is not enough to get their feelings across on the whole matter. For some reason, there is a need to actually flame “Mommy Bloggers,” and to put them down in an extremely derogatory fashion. I’ve seen comments out there like, “Mommys make me sick and wouldn’t go near one of their blogs with a ten foot pole.” Wow, alrighty.

I want to point out that I quite understand that no one will like every type of website. I mean, I’m not hittin’ up the Automotive Blogs every day, because I just don’t care for them. Besides, who has time for Automotive Blogs when you surf as much Asian Porn as I do?

But I digress.

My point here is, you don’t like something, cooool, but there’s this condescending, derogatory undertone I’m noticing; this sense that talking about your kid(s) often is just completely intolerable. As in, you know, it would make you sick to have to read that. As if it were all about bashing in the heads of bunnies with a mallot, or extolling the virtues of Martha Stewart’s Towel Line at JCPenny. I mean, THAT I could see throwing up over.

Sometimes, the indication is even that if the SAHM would just get a job and do more outside of the home then they could be considered to be an actual, intelligent woman with a life. Someone with a brain. WTH, people? Have we taken such a huge step backward as women – hell, as people - that we can’t just SUPPORT ONE ANOTHER no matter what our decisions in life are?

So, here I sit, feeling stupidly offended and ridiculously, pathetically hurt.

**Not asking anyone to come to my rescue. There is no “troll” to hunt down, no bashing to be done. Let us not form a mob today. (We’ll save the pitchforks and fire for another day, eh?)

I just want to “talk” about this for a minute. And maybe “listen” to you guys have some intelligent discourse on the matter when I’m done.

Pretty please?

See, on a personal note, the thing is this:

This is a season in my life. I have, in my short 31 years, already been through a variety of phases and stations in life. I have occupied many different roles, and continue to do so today.

My opinions, feelings, beliefs, and values have changed over time, and also continue to do so (maybe I’m just a flake!)

I’ve been the Curious Kid, the Ambitious Pre-Teen, the Angst-Filled Teenager, the Party-Hardy Young Adult.

I’ve been a Slacker, Driven College Student, Hopeful Graduate Researcher, Disillusioned Degree Seeker.

I’ve been an Ice Cream Scooper, Weight-Loss Trainer, Milk-Shake Maker, University TA (Teacher), Retail Temp Worker, the Manager of an Upscale Store.

I’m a High School Graduate, College Graduate (BA), and Grad School Graduate (MA).

I’ve been Drama Club Dork, Band Geek, Phi-Kapp-Phi, Psi Chi.

I was Magna Cum Laude. And I will still laugh at the middle part of that.

I’ve been a Daughter, Sister, Best Friend, Jerk, Worst Enemy, Girlfriend, Cheater, Ex-Girlfriend, Mistress, Betrayed Wreck, Lost Soul, Fiancee, and Wife.

Now I’m a Momma, Mommy, Mother, Mom.

I’m a Woman. A Person.

I’ve been an Atheist, Agnostic, Christian, Other.

I have FREAKED OUT on people. I have held my tongue and moved on.

I’ve been a Thief.

I’ll even admit to having been, to some degree, no matter how small, Racist, Sexist, Homophobic, Righteous. (Feel free to throw stones. Just make sure to step out of your glass house first.)

I’ve also been Moral, Just, Tolerant, Humble, Meek.

I’ve Wronged, Grudged, Apologized, Forgiven and Been Forgiven.

I’ve learned and grown and changed and loved. I laughed, cried, rejoiced, wanted to die, and just been mellow.

I’ve regretted, hoped, wished, and planned.

I’ve done wrong and I’ve worked to make things right.

I’ve been compassionate after being judgemental, and understanding after being intolerant.

I’m a Woman. A Person.

I used my heart, body, and mind (BRAIN) all the way from there to here.

Now is when I have a website where I talk about my current station in life, and the experiences related to that. Now I happen to be a mother who is not gainfully employed outside of the home (label me whatever you want – “Mommy Blogger,” SAHM, Ignorant Loser, PunkAssBitch – whatevs).

I will talk about my child. Often. Shit is an experience I’ve had with him. I’ll talk about it. I’ll also say lovey-dovey, sickly sweet and annoying things about my feelings for him. I will post photos of him that I think celebrate his beauty, without worrying who lives down the street from me or what “weirdos” are viewing this website online, because that’s not how I live my LIFE.

Others will judge. So be it.

When I started this website, I didn’t even know about the whole “Mommy Blogger” thing. While I had recently discovered her blog and loved it to pieces, I didn’t know that Dooce had planted a seed that blew up like gang-f’in-busters and that fifty-gagillion other moms decided to write about theirs lives and kids, too, as I was embarking on just that enterprise.

I just want to talk about what floats my boat right now, ya dig? I want a creative outlet where I can celebrate exactly who I am right now (and maybe talk about who I used to be, and who I might become, too!). I want to create a history of this time in our lives for my family. I’m a mother, and I’m not ashamed that I stay at home and devote my time here. For now, it is what I choose to do, and I am lucky to have that choice. Later, it may all change. Let’s see where life continues to go, right?

Incidentally, I use this website to broaden my horizons and practice other interests I have, such as writing and photography. And, of course, I have other hobbies and interests that I’ve never even mentioned here. But, alas, when they pick apart the “Mommy,” they judge with slanted eyes while viewing just a slice of life. Just the portion you’ve had time to tell.

Like I said, it may be a little ridiculous that I am even offended. I don’t feel that I fit the derogatory “definition” I see out there of the so-called “loser Mommy” who “has no life outside her children.” And yet, somehow, I feel that perhaps many women are being crammed into that category just because The Crammers are in short supply of actual facts, and in a hurry to judge those who have chosen a different path than their own.

Do not assume that I do not have a brain or that I am not a real person with a real identity just because of this station in my life, or just because I rejoice in and focus on things that are different than those which you rejoice in and focus on.

And I will not assume just as rude, ignorant, and short-sighted things about you.

Deal?