Could you get right on that, Eclipse and Orbit? Thanks!

At July 22, 2008
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Body/Health, Weight Loss/Getting In Shape
40

When I wrote recently about how I’m re-motivated to attack my fat rolls, get in shape, and lose some more weight, some of you said, “Me too!” and others said something like, “Tell us how it goes, we need encouragement!”

So, um, I’m going to keep you updated on how I’m doing and what’s working for me, and you can chime in and let me know the same. In this way, I get held accountable by all of you to actually keep doing this!

It’s really very easy to sit on the couch and eat popcorn and M&Ms. Eating healthy all day (or rather, just NOT EATING ALL DAY LONG) and keeping myself moving is the hard-to-do thing!

Since the last post I wrote about all this, I’ve actually hung out with Billy Blanks 4 times. Yes, I know that is a small number of times to write on a page this big. But I actually feel REALLY triumphant about it, because I wanted to give up EVERY TIME and I DIDN’T. (I also had to wait out a nagging lower back pain - remember to listen to your body when it tells you to wait a couple days!)

I still fall on my face at least 5 and a half times each time I try to do all the stuff Billy’s doing, but at the end when he says he loves me, it makes me all gushy and stuff. And the bruises really do fade away after a couple of days if you make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D and K. So, you know, I keep at it.

The cool thing is that I actually am getting better at that crazy Tae Bo crap, and I’m able to complete more of the video each time. When I get winded, I grab a glass of water, sit on the edge of the couch, and keep moving my arms and legs while I sip the H20. That keeps me hydrated and gives me a little time to catch my breath while I’m still keeping my body moving (any movement is better than none). When I feel stronger again, I jump right back in with what Billy’s doing and keep at it. There is no shame in this! In fact, practicing this type of acceptance about what your body is currently able to do will help you actually stick with the program long enough to see results and improve your performance over time. So don’t ever feel bad about listening to your body.

I have yet to re-attack Miss D’umo specifically. But you just wait. I am going to do that before long, and I will make sure to post pictures for all you lovely people.

My snacking curb tip for right now is that I drink a ton of water and I chew gum. It really actually helps dispel some of the pointless snacking I want to do. (As for meals, I’ve been eating stuff like this.)

If only they’d come out with ChocolateCakewithWhiteIcing flavored sugarless gum, then my life would be complete.

What works for you?

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Second time’s a charm?

At July 8, 2008
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Body/Health, Humor, Weight Loss/Getting In Shape
58

Once upon a time, I completed a workout video called “Drop it with Dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.” I tried. I really did. The outcome was less than victorious.

I was SUPPOSED TO make Tabitha D’umo my bitch. I said I was going to, and all.

Well.

Dear Lotus,

Who’s who’s bitch now? Have you counted your fat rolls lately? Have you MEASURED them? I think Kevin & Leroy are actually bigger than your entire head by now. You = Loser. You, officially, get a FAIL on Not Being A Fatass.

Love,
Tabitha “You’re MY Bitch” D’umo

Can you believe the nerve of that woman? Totally classless.

But. Um. She might have a point. I only tried to use her video a handful of few times twice once after that first time.

And while I’ve done a few halfassed other workouts, there really has been no consistent effort to be physically fit, as I was hoping there would be.

And I have alllll kinds of excuses why, but really, it all boils down to one thing: Motivation. If you’re motivated, the excuses just don’t deter you. They aren’t good enough to stop you.

“My kid just won’t let me alone long enough for me to exercise!”

Um, naptime? Bedtime? Locking your kid in the closet for 30 minutes time?

“I’m just so tired that when I have time to myself, I can’t bring myself to exercise.”

News Flash! If you’d exercise, you’d be tired LESS often. (Funny how that works, huh?)

“I’m just so busy, there really is no time for exercise, honest!”

Now that’s just bullshit, sorry. If you’re committed to something, you can find time. Make time, even.

There are about 23,475,869 things on my To Do List that I am behind on, on a regular basis. But 30 minutes? Come on, just 30 minutes every other day? We can find this, right? Even if we have to get up 30 minutes earlier? (Please do not wish me physical harm for suggesting that.)

You know what’s really motivating? When you step on the scale and discover that you keep gaining weight (what, there’s no cap on how high that number is allowed to get? crap). Or when your “fat jeans” get tighter and tighter, threatening to become your “skinny jeans.” FYI: your “fat jeans” are NOT ALLOWED to become your “skinny jeans.”

How about when you’re just.so.tired alllll the time, and holy flying pigs, did part of my side just fold over and touch itself? Oh.My.Gah.

I, who never makes New Year Resolutions, actually made a resolution this year, and halfway through the year, I am totally getting a Big, Fat F on that.

I WILL NOT BE OUTSMARTED BY MY MUFFIN TOP, DAMNIT!

So today, I attempted the Billy Blanks Tae Bo Cardio workout DVD for the second time. And HELL NO I am not able to hang with it for the entire time yet. But I was incredibly surprised and pleased that I was still alive when it was over. Both times, I have fully been prepared to die. I had my will in order and everything.

I’m going to try several things in the coming weeks and see what happens. Regular exercise (*whimper*), no more late eating (and I LOVE me some late eating), and actually sleeping at least 7 hours a night (is this possible?).

Revolutionary ideas, to be sure.

PS: Tabitha, I’m coming for you, whore.

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Yup. Spazzazoid.

After yesterday’s slight moderate okay, huge heart-attack moment, I’m trying to stop shaking like a dorkwad and breathe normally. Why does something like that make me go all bat-turds?

Oh, yeah. Because I’m a slightly moronic Spazzazoid. Yes. I just made up a word. Use it freely.

My plan for today was to keep the “meme drawer” clean and do a couple of these thingies I’ve been tagged for. Because if you’ve been around for awhile, you have seen what can happen when I don’t keep the Meme Drawer Clean. And if you haven’t been around awhile, feel free to click and find out, man. But be warned. That’s a shizzo-lotta crap to read about me.

But hey! If you’re really into getting to know me better you can read about My Eights. Or, if you’d just like to point and laugh at my stupidity… Get In Line. Uh, I meant, you’re in luck, because you can now do that… with such wonderfully embarassing anecdotes as the “floating turd story” and finding out that you’re not alone if you have, indeed, sharted… just by reading this sexy post.

*ahem*

It’s also Thursday Thirteen, and dangit if if I didn’t get my Go-Go-Gadget Brain! in gear and decide to be the incredibly whizzomatic, geniusoriffic, and smartastical person I am (*snort*) by bringing you today’s…

7 Things Meme PLUS 6 Things Meme = Your Fabuloso Thursday Thirteen!

Holy turds, who knew I could add?

I was tagged for the 7 Things Meme by the following awesomeatious persons:
Napaboaniya
Christie
Kat
Vegan Mama

And for the 6 Things Meme by these wonderiffical peeps:
Sarie
Ray
Cookiebitch

13 Random Thoughts that floated through Sarcastic Mom’s head today:

1. Why.do.I.have.to.wake.up?

2. I’m totally unprepared for the first time I catch Braden eating a Booger. Words of advice?

3. I wonder if it’s possible to vote for Coffee for President.

4. Why can’t groceries just regenerate themselves?

5. Kevin & Leroy are still touching me innapropriately.
Hi. This is my backfat.

6. Has anyone’s vag.ina actually ever fallen off?

Hm. I googled it (“vag.ina fell off”) and discovered 2 awesome things.
1. It doesn’t look like there are any documented cases of vag.inas falling off.
2. The #2 Google Hit for that search is on THIS SITE. I’m putting that on my resume.

7. What’s that SMELL?

8. My hand just had to slip while I was checkin the diaper, didn’t it? My finger just HAD to slip into the sh*t, didn’t it???

9. Poop should not be allowed to exist. (Then there wouldn’t be any Scatastrophes.)

10. Tabitha D’umo is still mocking me. Die, whore!

11. I am a good mother. Ignore the picture below and just maintain eye contact with me, damn you.

12. It’s really not that hard to ignore your child’s screaming when it’s coming from inside the closet on the other side of the house. Really.

13. I don’t have to pull any cheap tricks to make people visit my website. It’s just because I’m such a good writer.
“The Rack”

Have a great (rest of) Thursday, friends! And don’t forget… *insert words of wisdom*

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Dance your way… dead.

At January 12, 2008
By Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom
In Body/Health, Humor, Weight Loss/Getting In Shape
69

I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).

Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.” I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha. Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous. I? cannot get my groove on. Period. I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.

It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.

In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.

But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!

Ohhh, Braden. Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them. Isn’t that yucky?

Ok. I’m ready, I think. But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.

No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!

No shoes. Not ready!

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!

No, wait. I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.

Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!

DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?

WTH. She wants me to do what???

Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?

Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…

OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???

(Or did I just fart?)

Ok. Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side. THIS? Just makes me want to commit homicide.

Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.

No. I was wrong, this IS so bad. How do those cooters do this crap so fast?

Let me try one more time.

No, it was like this…

Ugh.