How do you follow penis train tracks? Well.

I kind of screwed myself by posting the most awesome Thanksgiving Day post EVER last year.

I mean, now that you’ve seen penis train tracks, you’re back this year to see what I have for you this time, aren’t you? Of course you are. I bet you sat up all night wondering. Have you been refreshing my page over and over again? Well, I mean, even more than usual?

(Your Thanksgiving present to me is that you pretend that’s true instead of reminding me that you only check here about once every 6 months, and only to see if I’ve died a comically tragic death yet in a horrible (but hilarious) accident involving a staple gun, a bungee cord and a day-glo green thong.)

So how do you follow penis train tracks? Like this.

Bewbs trump wieners every time, my friends.

And yes, that is Percy at the station.  Or, as my son might say, “Pussy is wooking weally hawd today!”

Happy Thanksgiving, Ya’ll. May all your train tracks be bewbies.

I know I’m supposed to publish a post about cheesy things I’m thankful for, but instead, you get penis train tracks. You’re welcome.

Why I should not be allowed to play with children’s toys in the presence of actual children:

I’ll have you know that I used every single piece of track that we have to build this masterpiece.  And yes. I’M PROUD.

I like to call it Thomas’s Hard Day or Where Thomas Gets Off.

Oh, shut up. It’s funny, and you know it.

And the truth is, while I’d like to say I did this on purpose, it was actually a happy (?) accident. I noticed it when I stepped back later.

Suck on that, Freud.

(Hahaha, I said SUCK, get it? Oh yeah.)

*******

PS: I’m thankful for a LOT. Like them, and us, and you.

And bewbs.

And schlongs. (you knew it was coming back again, right?)

Happy Thanksgiving, you crazy kids.

Still Reigning Queen

Of Lazy Douchery, that is.

I was fully planning on getting posts to You Wonderful People even while we were traveling, but that is not how it has worked out.

Who knew that hours and hours and hours and hours AND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS inside a car with a toddler really does just destroy your will to live and make you not care about your website for a few days? Huh!

Who knew that when your husband gets all Road Rage-Arrific multiple times in one day, and you give up any chance of not being shot to death by someone angry on the highway that you aren’t as concerned about typing up a sarcastic post when you get to your destination as you are about falling to the ground and kissing it repeatedly?

And who knew that you should really add extra hours onto your projected travel time just in case mid-trip your little kid decides to pull some Exorcist moves from the back seat and projectile vomit repeatedly?

Man, that is one smell I don’t recommend ANYONE travel with for any extended amount of time.

Haiku Friday, #6

Once again, my lovelies, it’s Haiku Friday!

Things The Mexican is thankful for:
1. Licking the Gravy Pan
2. Turkey, while more expensive, is tastier than Nuked Chihuahua.

Tagged Like Gangbusters

It’s Thanksgiving… are you sitting in front of the computer with your pants unbuttoned, trying not to fall asleep from Food Coma or are you still dreaming of Gorging To Come? I hope your guts are/will be overflowing with turkey and gravy and such. If you’re gassy, open a window, I don’t want you stinking the place up.

That’s my job.

To say I was tagged for the “7 Random Things About You” Meme would be an understatement. It would, in fact, be like saying that Britney Spears is just a lil’ bit skanky.

(When I wrote that, I thought, “She’s a lil’ bit Skank-try, she’s a lil’ bit Rock ‘n Whore.” I amuse myself greatly.)

I was lovingly tagged by:

Christine @ Sippy Cupys and Blackberries

Anitra @ I Love a Kiwi

MountainMama @ Careful What You Wish For

Michelle @ Creative Treasures

Suzanne @ Suzanne Says

Emily @ E Flo

Adena @ Mother Thoughts

Elissa @ Random Ramblings From E

Siri @ Siri’s Corner

Michelle @ Babbling and Mumbling From an Otherwise Cognitive Crafter

Dawn @ Alex Year One

Yolanda @ Callipygian Chronicle

Grand Weepers and Grim Reapers

Christi @ Blah Blah Blog

Alison @ RDH Mom

1. My hands and fingers peel when the seasons change. I am not making this up. I have NO IDEA WHY. But it always happens. Maybe there’s snake somewhere in my lineage.

2. I have an inverted uterus. It’s all flipped the wrong way inside me. Kinky!

3. English was not solely my first language. I spoke both Swiss-German and English when I began talking. A first sentence was, “Muetti hat ein kopf!” Translation? “Mommy has a head!” Newsflash: I’ve always been a moron.

4. I used to be a hopeless drunk. I gave up drinking for good in February 2007.

5. I have actually become so enraged that I punched myself in the head to avoid hitting anyone else. I’m a genius like that.

6. I believe in God, and I don’t think He minds the fact that I don’t pretend to be perfect.

7. I have a disgusting mole on my lower back that grows hair. It might even have a leg by now. I am going to have it removed and get a tatoo of a lotus flower, once I’ve had all my babies. Problem is, I don’t know how many babies I want anymore!

I was also tagged for a “5 Things” meme by Kelly @ Kellyology, so I’ll just tack those on here.

8. I’ve been missing my husband A LOT this month. He’s been gone “making the donuts” more than usual.

9. My home has been INSANELY dirty and disorganized lately. It’s seriously been worse than it has ever been, and this entire past week it has literally been making me feel sick. I can’t seem to find the energy to get it in gear and clean the mother up.

The thing that’s growing out of the pile of junk in my bedroom keeps making sexual innuendos at me, too, and I just don’t feel safe sleeping in there unless John’s home.

10. My face is quite asymmetrical. See?

11. I have seen a golf cart fly over a hill and down into a pond in the middle of the night. I have had to jump out of it before it completed the journey. I have rolled down the hill, watching the cart fly to its final destination. I have looked at the faces of the others, and laughed so hard I thought I would die. I have been ashamed and yet proud of this story.

12. My real first name is Lotus. It’s a flower. My real middle name is Siva. It’s a Hindu God. My real maiden name is Wuensch. It means “wish.” I am a candidate for “Most Freaking Hippy Name In The Universe.”

And to make this qualify for Thursday Thirteen! (I am so delighfully cunning!):

13. If you would love to read even more useless trivia relating to me, I actually did a Meme very similar to this one back on September 14. It was my very first “tag” event, actually. It’s a “10 Things” Meme, and it’s HERE.

And I’m going to risk pissing off the internet gods of the blogging world by *gasp* NOT TAGGING ANYONE (consider this your Thanksgiving present, likely suspects).

Besides, I have no idea if there is even anyone left who hasn’t done this one. This meme has run rampant through the blogging world during NowBlowSomeGoats kind of like stupidity and apathy does in the general population on any given day. What?

Happy Thanksgiving, my friends. Peace Out.

Wanna see more Thursday Thirteen?