Who needs a dishwasher?

Just get yourself a handy-dandy lush dawg.

The Mexican. He is, additionally, good for floor cleaning, table begging, child entertainment, barking at nothing, and being an all-around loveable doofus.

(And I only want to microwave him sometimes. Really.)

He kind of looks like a hopped up pill freak.

This is… well. I may be the only one who thinks it’s funny.

John and I ate on the floor several days ago. The Mexican placed himself right in front of us and… well, if you could totally freak out in a very contained way for fear that non-contained freaking out would get you sent to your bed or outside in the cold?

This is what it would look like.

My favorite is the way he pokes his tongue out all of a sudden.

PS: Yes, I ate on the floor just to torture him.

Welcome back, Pee-Dog!

If you’ve been reading here for awhile, you know that we have a small rat fur-pest dog – a lil’ Chihuahua whose name is Zack, but who we lovingly refer to as “The Mexican.”

Like Braden, he survives in our household because he is very, very cute.

But his cuteness could not surpass the high level of vomiticousness that was his constant need to piss on everything we own.  Over and over again we tried to be patient and train him, to no avail.  When we moved again, we decided to try living Pee Free.

And the dog went outside.

Collective “Awwwww, poor little thing!”

Yeah, your life wasn’t Urine-Rageous.

And yet, as the cold weather came upon us recently, my cold, black coal of a heart softened and grew, much like The Grinch’s.

And The Mexican didn’t even have to sing an obnoxious song.

Oh wait!  YES HE DID.  He started howling and yipping outside constantly.

Another collective, “Awwwww!”

So the Furniture Pissing…

Poop Eating…

Paci-Chewing…

Jerk-Faced Dog has somehow made it back into our home full time.

So far, he’s doing well.  We’ll see how it goes.

Of course, Braden LOVES him and is delighted to have him inside.

And that’s what REALLY keeps him alive.

Otherwise, I’d have nuked him long ago.

Bunch of Lazy Douches.

Today’s Photohunt Theme is “Lazy”

I swear, everyone around here’s lazy but me…

The Dog

The Boy

The Man

What? Stop looking at me like that. I’m NEVER lazy.

(Just sarcastic.)

Because it says, “Sex Ed 101″ on my front door.

So, do you guys remember the story about the girl who was screaming for the imaginary friend who had run away from her?

Well, that was what I thought, anyway.  If you’re not apprised of the story, go read that post.

A short time after all that went down, say, a couple weeks later, I had the opportunity to speak with Screaming Banshee Girl (as I have dubbed her).

See, we have this lil’ thing in the backyard that tends to attract the neighborhood kids:

[Aside: if one more of them tromps on my seedlings whilst visiting the freakin' dog?  I am going to fertilize my flower beds with Neighborhood Kid Stew.]

So, SBG’s little brother (about 2 years old, maybe) came over to stare at The Mexican, and she followed him.

I walked over to make sure everything was safe.  It is my nightmare that my little Mexican is going to snarl at one of them the wrong way (he has “little man complex”) and then I have a parent at my front door with a shotgun and a lot of misplaced anger.  Or something.

So, anyway, I strolled on over.

Conversation ensued.

Girl: He’s so cute.

Me: Yeah.

Girl: I like him.

Me: Yeah, he’s cute.  Do you have any pets?

Girl: No. 

(by the way, this dashes the idea that she was calling a lost pet in that first post, hah!)

Pause.

Girl: So, why he doesn’t have eggs?

Me: Uh.  What?

Girl: Where are his eggs?  Why doesn’t he have any eggs?

Me:  Wait.  Eggs?  (thinking: wtf? are you serious?)

Girl: Yes, so he can have babies from them.

Me: Um.  Riiiiight.  See, dogs don’t lay eggs.

Girl: *nodding, staring intently*

Me: Dogs and lots of other animals don’t lay eggs like birds, they have babies like we do.

Girl: Ohhh, yeah.  Ok.

Pause.

Girl: So, how does that happen? 

Girl: *expectant, eager stare*

Me: *stifled laugh*

Me: Have you talked to your parents about that?

Girl: Uh-huh, yup.

Me: *knowing smile*

Silence.

Girl: Um.  No. I haven’t.

Girl: *intense, longing, probing, desirous stare*

Me: Nice try.  You need to ask your parents about that, hon.

Girl: *insanely disappointed look of displeasure and dashed hopes*

 

The bad thing?  Is that I really just wanted to tell her that about 3 weeks after you stand on your front porch screaming, a baby will fall right out of your butt.

 

No Denyin’ Him

Me around about 10 months old:

Braden at 10 months old (August 2007):

And just because I believe in giving the people more than they ask for (I’m generous, what can I say?) here’s a video that was taken right around the same time as the above photo. You really have to be proud of the dog for not biting his face off.

Braden also liked dog food. Just in case you were wondering.

The Mexican, Aka The Urin8or

So, I know that many of you love The Mexican.

We all <3 The Mexican, right?

Even though he only has one testicle.  (That’s right – he is AKA Uni-Ball.)

Of course, we don’t hold his Singular Teste against him. (And we hope he returns the favor.  Ew.)

We still <3, The Mexican, no?

Even though he chews pacis, eats turds, and urinates on our belongings.

Still, we <3 him, right?

Even though he totally bit Braden that one time. 

Oh, hell.  I DIDN’T TELL YOU ABOUT THAT? 

Well, it was an accident.  Braden (25 lbs of clumsy excitement) fell completely on top of The Mexican (5 lbs. of wimpy turdburglar) while he was sleeping.  And The Mexican literally bit The Battering Ram, aka Braden, at the exact moment of waking because his spleen was probably rupturing. 

So yeah.  He totally bit Braden in the face, breaking the skin, and scaring the hell out of the poor kid.  Also, I had to resist the urge to kill him with my bare hands.  And that was very emotionally stressful for me.  Because I am rather volatile and impulsive.

But still, we <3 The Mexican, don’t we?

Sure we do.

Even though we also know, for a fact, that he fits in the microwave. (Seriously. Click it.)

I haven’t tested it yet, but I’m thinking he probably fits in the Crock Pot nicely, too.

But we still love him.

And also even though he is ALWAYS in “time out.” (Yes, dogs can be in “time out,” too.)

Still, we all <3 The Mexian, don’t we!?

Yes, we do.

But sadly, John and I got REALLY TIRED of living in URINE WORLD.

Because that’s what you could have called it at Casa Carroll.  Urine World.

Get it?  Because he wouldn’t stop marking everything and there was URINE ON SO MUCH OF OUR STUFF.

So, since we’ve been renting the new place, because we love him and don’t want to have to pop his adorable, little head off, The Mexican has been living in a little fenced-in area outside…

…coming in only at night to sleep in our bedroom (in his kennel).  (Which… you guessed it!  HE PEES IN.)

Eeediot.

I told you all of this just so I could show you this picture of something that happened literally months ago.

At the end of February, I walked into the living room and saw this:

And I was SO EXCITED because I thought that Braden had PEED.ON.THE.POTTY.ALL.BY.HIMSELF!!!

This is where you can point and laugh at me for being SO dumb.

Because that?  Is The Mexican’s Pee.

And the message to all dogs out there?

If you could just pee on the toilet all the time?  YOU WOULD SO RULE.

(and not have to live in a pen outside, dumbass.)

Hint: It Ain’t The Frog

Theme for March 8th, 2008: “Different”

“One of these things is not like the other, one of these things just doesn’t belong! Can you tell which one is not like the others by the time – I – finish – this – song?”