My Homies

Braden James here again.  All I have to do is offer that Mommy can take a nap, and I’m in.  This manipulation stuff is WAY too easy.  (Case in Point: I’ve just learned that I can give hugs and bat my eyelashes to get out of trouble.)

Recently, I asked some darn fine ladies to tell me a little more about themselves, and they did not disappoint.  Further proof that The Womenz love me.

A fellah has to keep up the rels with the ladies… but you never leave out your homies – yer dudez, man.

So, this is a chance for all my dudez to talk a little about what we do best – Cause Trouble.

Guys – Let’s talk about the thing we enjoy most.  Driving our parental units NUTS.  Outline your best techniques for shattering the minds of your Mommy/Daddy.  Tell us the stories of your complete domination of the homestead.

My personal outline (aka The Plan) is HERE.

(You can also see Mommy whining here, here, and here.)

And, in fact, for the past 2 nights, I’ve messed with Daddy’s head BAD.  I usually go to sleep for him like a champ.  I refused to go to sleep for anyone but Mommy (read: NOT for Daddy) for the past 2 nights. 

But you just wait.  Just when Mommy’s head is starting to feel all bloated, I’m totally going to spazz on her, too.  I’m just waiting for Daddy to hit the road again this weekend, so she won’t have anyone to turn to when I do it.  Total Domination.  Completely Ruin Her Mind. 

That’s what THE PLAN is all about.

I’m callin’ on:

Adam
(*sigh* Mommy stumbled in here and says you better go vote for his Daddy at the Blogger’s Choice Awards… go back to sleep, Mommy!)

Alex
(*SIGH* Mommy won’t leave until I tell you to vote for his Mommy at the Blogger’s Choice Awards, too.)

Amos

Carson

The Boy

The Conqueror

The “Little Monkeys” (any/all of them!)

The Mayor (His Mommy just told of his awesome Mind Wrecking powers.)

The Onion

Show me how you dominate The Parents!

 

 

For all other Toddlers out there: Even if you were not tagged, but are reading this post:

1) Congratulations on hijacking the computer.
2) Leave a Parental Domination/Mind Destruction tip for fellow Toddlers in comments.

Viva Los Toddlers!
.
.
.
.

I am way cooler than Mommy.

That’s right, peoples.  This is Braden James.  It’s been awhile since I’ve hijacked Mommy’s super-silly-space to talk to you internetz.  I see that she has made some improvements.  She is still blabbing on and on, though.  *sigh*

You are lucky I am here to save you from her for a day.  At least she spends a lot of time talking about ME, which is excellent.  And if you like that, this will be right up your alley.

If you don’t like that, you are OBVIOUSLY slightly moronic.

Kim tagged me for a Meme, where I’m supposed to tell 8 things about myself, and then tag 8 others to do the same.  There are really way more than 8 things that you should know about me, but for now, I’ll just stick to 8, since the doggie is way more fun to play with than you guys, and he’s waiting for me.

1. When I came out of Mommy, I broke the umbilical cord myself.  Daddy wanted to cut it, but see, that was between me and Mommy, and I wanted her to know the score right from the start.  I am in control around here, and I want my independence. I just need to be held a little sometimes.

2. I enjoy reading books.  I have been reading books for ages now.  Recently, I decided that reading books is pretty fun to do sometimes, but the more fun thing to do with books is to throw a bunch of them on the floor, pick the coolest one, and then start pushing it across the floor as far as I can, rubbing it in real good.  See, I think that eventually, this technique will help me discover a trapdoor to a magical wonderland.  It hasn’t worked yet, so I usually end up screaming and crying. Mommy is baffled, but that’s b/c she doesn’t know about the magical wonderland.  What a clueless moron.

3. My doggie is the best doggie in the world.  He is small so I can grab him, and it’s really easy to lie down on top of him and roll around.  He makes funny sounds with his mouth/nose thing.  Sometimes he runs really fast (Mommy and Daddy call it “Happy Laps”), and he can also jump high.  He always looks so hungry to me so I like to feed him all my crackers and cheese when Mommy’s not looking.  He likes to lick my sippy cup.  We’re best friends.

4. Airplanes are AWESOME.  They fly over my house all the time.  Mommy & Daddy aren’t very smart, so I have to point them out and let them know that is an “Ay-tah.”  That is special for “airplane.”  The cool kids call it that.  Mommy & Daddy are not cool.

5. I am a tiny dancer.  I can raise the roof with my stomp dance and when I sway side to side all the womenz swoon for me.  A few years ago, they would have said that I shake it like a polaroid picture.  I do.

6. All food is good, but Applesauce is the BEST food.  It would be okay if no one ever ate anything but applesauce.

7. I like to go for long stretches in PCM (Perfect Child Mode) and then kick it up a notch (BAM) by whipping out The Plan.  It is really special to sleep well for awhile and then start in on waking up over and over again all night.  I am great at this (as are Amy and Alex), and I think I can keep up the switch between PCM and The Plan for at least 17 more years.  I will only get better with practice, people.

8. Paci is Love.  Nuff’ said.

Because I love the womenz, I am going to tag 8 hot ladies out there that I want to know more about.

Rooster Girl
The Baby
Pie
Ella
Hannah
Miss A
Ella
Little One

Come on, ladies… you know you can’t resist me.

With Love,
Braden James Carroll

Onward, Soldiers!

Hello… this is Braden James.

Mommy is currently passed out asleep, drooling, and I took the opportunity to get online and try to contact some friends out there…

If you are a Mommy or Daddy… this post is not for you… don’t you have a diaper to change, a bottle to fill, or a shower to take?

I have been inspired by Amy’s Revolutionary Sleep Training Guidance.

Initially, I saw this post by Alex over at Alex, Year One and was really interested.

Then I read this post about The Revolution and this one about The 12 Steps by Amy on Sleepless Nights, and really got my engine revved.

Now I would like to give some advice of my own to other young minds out there.

Here are some things any Toddler can do to break a Mommy’s spirit. This is quite a comprehensive daily plan. Please bear with me. You will definitely find some useful information here.

[Please note that these things also work on Daddies. My Mommy is the Parental Unit I harass more frequently because she is available to me for such harassment more often, so I will be referring to "Mommy" throughout. Just insert "Daddy" if that is more appropriate in any given situation.]

Work any and all of these things into your daily routine:

>Do not act happy when you wake up in the morning or from naps. If you used to act happy/play/talk, etc. that is GREAT. The switch from that to sudden, shrill crying everyday instead will be a great attention getter.

>Your breakfast is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Throughout the day, when Mommy introduces a new activity, act like the activity is pleasing, then, with absolutely no warning, dissolve into hysterics.

>Whenever you are done with a drink cup/bottle, hurl it as far as it can go. If possible, hit Mommy in the face with it. Hard.

>If your Mommy tries to lay down on the couch and rest a little, while watching you play, as soon as she is horizontal, run over and slap her in the face real good with both hands. When she recoils and stares at you, smile as cutely as possible.

>Have no less than 6 tantrums during the course of the day. It doesn’t matter what they are about. In fact, it is better if it’s impossible to tell what they are about.

>Any time you are down on the floor for more than 3 seconds, run to Mommy and cry to be picked up. Once you are up, squirm to get down. As soon as your feet hit the floor, cry in an utterly abandoned fashion, and crumple helplessly in a heap of tears.

>The food is never prepared fast enough. NEVER. React accordingly.

>Your lunch is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Nap Time is RIDICULOUS. Sure, you are tired, but you should choose when you sleep, and where. Whenever Mommy tries to put you down for a nap, wail and moan about it. You will, inevitably, fall asleep, because you’re so tired from all this hard work, but before that happens do your best to complain, wiggle, squirm and fuss until you can feel Mommy’s pulse elevating.

>The sooner you can wake up from Nap Time, the better. Don’t forget to scream, as per the first tip. Also, if you can take short rests during the day, you don’t even need Nap Time.

>You want to go outside at all times. ALL TIMES. If the door is even slightly approached by anyone in your presence, FREAK OUT. Give it all you’ve got.

>If you do get to go outside, once you are out there, make it clear that you had no desire to go outside and act like your Mommy is such an incompetent moron that you are about to have a mental breakdown just from looking at her.

>It is understandable if you want to have some fun outside. Outside really is wonderful. But just make sure that you mix in some displeasure, at least mild displeasure, periodically, and cling occasionally. Just to keep her on her toes.

>Hard toys are great for bashing Mommy in the face. Anything will do, as long as it is not even remotely soft.

>The diaper area is the Pit of Hell. If your Mommy tries to keep taking you there, start whining on approach, and by the time you are placed there, buck around wildly, scream, and try your best to roll/clamber/climb/jump in any direction you can.

>If the diaper scenario is repeatedly tolerated with no reaction by your Mommy other than firm resistance and singing, etc. then you must get specific and it must be brutal. Try launching yourself off the diaper changing area with reckless abandon, as if readying to do a belly flop in water. There is, of course, no water, so crash into the floor, full frontal. Make sure to bash your face into the floor, cutting the tissue that connects inner-upper lip to gums. Blood will flow freely. Scream like your head has just caught on fire. CLING.

>Your snack is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If Mommy has to pee, and you can follow her, try to climb in her lap while she is doing it. If she won’t let you, wail and moan about it. Run off crying real tears.

>Whenever Mommy is trying to do ANYTHING that doesn’t involve attending to you directly, you must either: cling to her legs crying and trying to climb up, get under foot and trip her, or try to push her out of the way over and over again. Persist ENDLESSLY with whichever of these you choose, until she gives up and attends to you directly.

>Make sure you are as accident-prone as possible all day long. Stumble, trip, fall, waver, and wobble all day long. Bash your head into anything you possibly can. Look for things you can pinch your fingers in. Bite yourself if you have to.

>Your dinner is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If you are teething (and ESPECIALLY if you have some teeth already) your Mommy’s neck and shoulder are GREAT places to clamp your jaws down. Do it as hard as you possibly can, and with no warning. If Mommy reacts with an exclamation of pain, act as if she has frightened you and cry immediately. This will turn the tables on her, making her the aggressor.

>If you can get your hands on anything remotely expensive like a cell phone or camera, throw it as hard as you can, preferably so that it lands on a firm surface, like tile or marble flooring.

>Bathie time is incredibly fun. There is not much you can do to ruin it. You can attempt to frightfully immerse yourself occasionally, but most Mommies are too fast for this to cause a real issue. A real winner, here, is to push out a poopie in the bath water. Do NOT give any advanced indication that you are going to do this. Also, if you have toys to play with, it is a good idea to throw them at Mommy.

>Bedtime is at your leisure. If Mommy tries to put you down before you feel like it, resist every step of the process. Towel-drying hair is to be accompanied by the scream of a thousand pins being driven into one’s eye. Pajama donning should not be achieved in under 10 minutes. If she gets an arm in the sleeve, remove it immediately. Intense kicking during “pants application” will help slow the process.

What to do throughout the night is a WHOLE other topic. Amy gives great direction in her 12 Step Plan. Make sure you check it out.

Footnote: In order to truly destroy your chosen Parental Unit(s) you must employ the “Mix-It-Up” Technique. This means go with The Plan for a few days, then switch to “Perfect Child” mode for at least 3 or 4 days. Sometimes, PC mode should last a week or more before you bring The Plan back into action. There are even times when PC mode is required to last for months at a time. But always bring The Plan back into action.

Every time you bring The Plan back into action, the Parental Unit(s) will be immensely shocked and disturbed. For some reason, after the end of each installment of The Plan, the Parental Unit(s) believe it will never come into action again. This proves they are naive idiots.

Varying things this way will cause significant damage to the stability of the Parental Unit(s)’s mind(s), thereby giving you more power to mold them to your will.

Good luck, and Onward, Soldiers!

Satan Created Teething

Yesterday and today have been lovely. Really.

On Sunday, Braden kept acting intensely clingy and cranky. You’d have thought someone had convinced him that if he acted as much like he was my ill-tempered, conjoined twin as was humanly possible, he’d win a bale of cotton candy. After several situations in which he melted down in a manner unlike him, I decided he must be having a teething session.

That afternoon, he picked up a toy, walked into the kitchen, and suddenly screamed, crumpling to the floor. He pushed his head into the linoleum and just cried. I was bewildered, and ran to get him. I assumed he was either in the process of sprouting horns, or must have just experienced some gum cutting. I checked his forehead, and saw nothing, so I decided it was the teething, and gave him some Acetaminophen.

At dinner that night, while he was opening wide for some Braden Burgers, I saw the new tooth. His lower, right lateral incisor had finally made an appearance. About time.

At bedtime, I gave him some Ibuprofen. He slept like a rock last night. Slept an hour later in the morning than usual, even. This behavior is a sign of the apocalypse. Or his body is going through a major overhaul. Considering all the talking he’s been doing lately, and the teething, it could be the latter.

Nah… I’m still thinking apocalypse.

Today was EVEN BETTER than yesterday. I thought (IDIOT.IDIOT.IDIOT) that he’d be much better today, since the tooth had broken the surface yesterday, and he’d had a lovely night of sleep.

HAHAHA!

I’m suspecting that the lower, right lateral incisor is causing him a lot of extra pain coming up, AND he’s also working on a lower, left cuspid. (I had to do some examining to come to this conclusion, which Braden thoroughly enjoyed. I almost had to use the Jaws of Life just to get in there.)

So, today, Braden basically decided that if he wasn’t at least 3 inches inside my butthole at all times, he was going to DIE.

It served me right, anyway, for wanting to do such ridiculous things.

Like pee when my bladder was full, or make myself something to eat.

OR BREATHE.

Activities that actually made him happy were things like yanking on my nose stud, flinging DVDs off the DVD tower, throwing his cup of apple juice across the kitchen, and whacking me in the face with his recorder flute.

I’m not stressed out about it at all.

But, I have decided that I don’t really want to put him in the closet when he’s like this, after all.

I want to go in there. Alone. And sleep.