Confessions of a Preggie

• Being an “Internet Pee Holder” has never been more difficult. (You know you do it, too.)
• I want to take eleventy-seven naps a day. Braden is getting sick of the closet.
• The nausea is fading now (Booyah!) and I never threw up. And I want to eat all day long. Bring on the fatness, oh yeah, baby. (I am NOT a skinny pregnant woman.)
• I really, really need to do Kegels. Pee-Pee Leaky No Sexay.
• Everything makes me cry. All shows which involve danger to a baby should be banned or I might die. Dog food commercials and grocery store fliers are even a danger, for crying out loud.
• When you are reeeeee-heeeee-leeeeee tiiiiired, shaving is SO overrated. If you don’t do it for a month, look like a freaking APE, and your husband literally tells you that’s disgusting, you should continue to not do it just out of spite. Even if you were totally about to do it the next day. Asshole.
• It is evil to be pregnant around Halloween. I HATE ALL the trick-or-treaters who DIDN’T come to my house, and left me with all the candy, which, by law, I am forced to consume myself now.
• I don’t drink caffeine during the first trimester. Just my thing. But I WOULD KILL FOR SOME COFFEE, OMG, I MIGHT CRY SOON.
• John looked at me wrong several times this past couple of months. I have devised at least 4 fool-proof ways of killing him such that no one could ever discover his remains. Unfortunately, he does not have a life insurance policy. Tooooootal murder buzz-kill.
• My boobs were one of the first things to “symptom up” with Braden. This time, no soreness… until NOW. Thanks, Braden, for tweaking my nipple and leading me to this tender discovery.
• Oh, and yeah, The Rack Is Expanding. Bow-Chicka.
• Unfortunately, so is my ass. Badonka.

BoobHer ’08

As you all know, I really would have liked to have gone to San Fransisco last week to attend BlogHer 08.

Unfortunately, it was not in the cards.

But the same cannot be said for My BEWBS.

Redneck Mommy assured me that The Rack had a fabulous time!
Witness the photographic evidence of BoobHer ’08…

BEWBS were honored to be lovingly held by Ninjas One and Two:

Thusly dubbed, because they were very sneaky and did not identify themselves. Lovely ladies who held my boobs and allowed it to be photographed! Please come forward and name thyselves!

(Update! Secret Identity of Ninja Two is Carissa of and so she blogs. Woot!)

Of course, the excitement did not end with meeting fabulous ninjas… It had just begun!

BEWBS were actually tried on!

Mamma Loves demonstrates proper placement:

MotherGooseMouse concurs with Mamma Loves’s form:

Assertagirl insists it is also important to hold them close for proper fit:

Kyla of The Journey thinks they need a twist:

Desperately Seeking Sanity‘s Heather agrees quite a lot:

Note: The Rack does NOT cause gas. Just a disclaimer.

MotherBumper was feeling lonely, and decided to try the “Twist Placement”

See, The Rack instantly attracts beautiful women like
Mimi on the Breach! (and double fisting of beer!)

Velma, from A Smeddling Kiss, was thinking of trying on The Rack, but
she couldn’t stop giggling. What was she thinking about?

I think she told Slouching Mom her dirty thoughts:

This Random Airport Perv even
tried to get in on the BEWB action!

Back away from The Rack, Random Airport Perv!
The BEWBS are only for my BlogHer Hos!

Thankfully, Jess of Oh The Joys saved The BEWBS.
And compared them to her head.

Backpacking Dad is totally sniffing the left BEWB.
Dude, Boob Smelling?

Oh, wait… was he trying to kiss them?

Angella, of Dutch Blitz, shows him how it’s done!

That’s when things got really out of hand.

And the LICKING began.

MotherGooseMouse was not satisfied with her earlier pose.

Way to go, MGM!

Y, of Joy Unexpected was not to be outdone.

Lindsay, of Suburban Turmoil seemed to approve.

Of course, Queen of All Licks, Mrs. Flinger honored
The BEWBS with her illustrious tongue.

With that one lick, all degrees of separation between
BEWBS and all bloggers licked by Mrs. Flinger were
undone in one fell swoop.

SCORE!

Things were getting a bit hectic, so Redneck Mommy, Jen of One Plus Two,
and Jess rescued BEWBs and took them to a place where
they would feel right at home. Oh, yeah, baby.
A Naked Bath House.

Seriously.
Read Their Posts.

Whew!

After such an exciting time, there’s really no better way
to wind down than to hop into bed with the absolutely
adorable Casey, of Moosh In Indy.

AWWWWWWWWWWWWwwwwwwwwwwww.

Yes, folks, BEWBS had a FANTASTIT time in San Fransisco!

Only one problem. Now that The Rack is back home, it’s spending all its time hanging out with its new BoobHer Friends. Waaahhhhhh….

Going to BlogHer?

Yes? 

First, I hate you you’re a poopie-head I’m really jealous of you. 
But also very happy for you.  (Seriously!) 

 

Second, you must look for this fabulous woman I love:

 

She’s going to have something of mine with her:

 

And she’s happy about it!

 

Remember, look for Redneck Mommy, holding The Rack.

 

You MUST NOT miss a Photo Opp with MAH BEWBS AT BLOGHER.

 

(Not going to Blogher?  Let’s sit online together for 3 days and whine jealously. Deal?)

 

All photos of the Hot Canadian courtesy of said Hot Canadian. Rawr!

The Travelling T-Shirt Meets The Rack

I’ve had a pretty fun time joking about my rack on this lovely website.  I have hailed The Glorious Rack in all its wonder… I have also called it a couple of socks with oranges in them behind The Rack’s back…  shhhh.

“The Rack” gained popularity after I did this fun giveaway, and it’s been a running gag here ever since.

I’m even celebrating each month of 2008 with a picture of The Rack.

And now?  The Rack has met The Travelling T-Shirt.

What is The Travelling T-Shirt, you ask?

The Official Words:

The Travelling T-Shirt has come from Lightening Online and is making its way around the world until December 1st when one lucky participant will be voted a winner and Lightening will gift that person a cash amount (determined by the total number of participants). For more information please visit the Travelling T-Shirt page.

 

I am honored to say that The Rack has been The Travelling T-Shirt‘s first stop on the glorious journey it will no doubt take between now and December.  Bloggers All Over The Place will have a chance to do silly and fun things with The Travelling T-Shirt and then pass it on to others.  Every time it gets passed, the Cash Jackpot grows!

Each blogger gets to decide how the next will be chosen…

So…

I want to see your rack. 

Send me your (clothed) BEWBS!  (Seriously.  No unfettered Melons, please.)

And yes!  Men are welcome to join in.  Ante up those PECS!

This post is up at 12:01AM CST, Tuesday June 3rd.  You have until 10:00PM CST, Wednesday June 4th to photograph Your Rack in all its Glory, and send your photo to me: thelotuscarroll@gmail.com

That’s almost 2 whole days, so I better get lots of Awesome BEWBS and PECS in my inbox!

On Thursday, The Masses will excercise the Power of The Vote!  That’s right… YOU will decide whose BEWBS or PECS I will send The Travelling T-Shirt to next!  (By anonymous poll.)

Now grab your rack and your camera and get to it!  I’m waiting!

 

*BEWBS*

(sorry, just wanted to type it one more time)

 

 

The Rack In Danger

Braden’s Hiney has the day off, folks.

I knew you would be disappointed, so I’m whipping out The Rack to soften the blow.

Apparently, an upside-down ketchup bottle can build up some pressure…

Look at how The Rack narrowly avoided disaster!

Watch out, Rack! *gasp*

As for the mess, I got up most of it with my finger, but there was some left. 

I’m not one for wasting, so…

Oh, alright, fine.  I’ll stop being gross.  Just for a few seconds.

The Really Wordy Portion of today’s post (aka Boob and Cooter Info):

The (Breast)feeding Carnival is scheduled for Tuesday, March 11th. I used the ( ) because I want to open it to anyone telling their story about how they feed/fed their babies. This can be about breastfeeding/pumping/bottle feeding, etc. Just tell your story. Posts with tips on these subjects are more than welcome also. If you plan to participate, you can display any of these buttons, and please link to this page ( http://sarcasticmom.com/?page_id=269 ) to other people can find out more about what’s going on and join in.

Additionally, the Birth Story Carnival is scheduled for Monday, March 24th. As with the other, I welcome all types of stories here. Whatever your child’s birth story is like, tell it! And you don’t have to be the one who did the birthing to join in – I would LOVE for Dads to step up and tell the birth story of their child(ren) from their POV. And if you adopted, talk about that, too, guys! This is basically just a chance for us to share the stories of how our families grew/came to be/evolved. If you plan to participate, you can display any of these buttons, and please link to this page ( http://sarcasticmom.com/?page_id=270 ).

End of Boob and Cooter Info.

Have a lovely Wednesday, all!

But the rack does make a difference.

Dawn’s most recent SOOS Challenge, in honor of Sandy and her family moving into their new house, was to talk about what makes your house a home.

(Also, Veronica and her family are moving into their house in 6 days!)

I wasn’t all together sure, so I decided to walk through our (rental) house (that we’re staying in for another year, despite this, ugh.) and look around a bit while mulling the question over.

“Hmmm… what makes our house a home?”

Is it John’s Forever And Ever, Amen Junked-Up Nightstand?

No… that can’t be it.

And yeah, I’ve tried repeatedly to organize it for him, but it generally only stays clean for .52342 seconds. So I stopped trying.

Wait, maybe it’s the pile of dirty clothes!

No, no… hold on, it’s The Pile of CLEAN CLOTHES!

And the rack that relates to it?

Ugh. That can’t be it. It’s not about clothes or even racks.

“Think, Lotus, Think!”

Let’s keep looking…

Is it the Poor Man’s Loveseat?

Or maybe ALL THE FREAKIN’ TOYS!?

(where did they all come from? we never planned this! i think they multiply at night.)

Ack. I think I’m still way off. It’s not the lack of reliable seating or the 8 million and five toys (though I’m beginning to realize why we can’t afford a real loveseat).

Oh, WAIT. I’ve got it!

It’s the highly disobedient dog!

And the URINE SOAKED BELONGINGS!

Why are you shaking your head? I got it all wrong again, huh?

Okay, let me sit down and think about this some more.

*Jeopardy Tune*

Ohhhh. Wait.

This is where Braden crawled for the first time.

And then walked.

And where we celebrated when he turned One Year Old.

It’s where my husband comes off the road and back to his son.

Their first Father’s Day together was in this house.

John and I celebrated loving one another for six years here recently.

And soon, we will celebrate four years of marriage at our tropical getaway! in this house.

It’s our home, because we are here together, building memories.

Here’s to all the family memories you will build into your new home for many years to come, Sandy and Veronica.

I got yer hawt right here.

This week’s Showin’ Off On Saturday Challenge is brought to you by The Hawtalucion - the movement to become “uninvisible.” 

Dawn has challenged us all to put together one outfit from clothes we already own that makes us feel good.  We are to “step away from the sweatpants” and Get.Hawt.

Hm. Okay. Go into my closet. Find something to wear… that makes me look good.  I may have forgotten how to do this.

 

I mean. Um.  This is what I look like on any given day:

Except I put on a bra for you, to take this picture.  You.Do.Not. want to see The Rack unfettered. Trust me. I mean – if you were to do something awesome while I was sans bra, and my hands were full?  I could STILL get a nice clapping sound going for you just by jumping up and down. Let that mull for a minute.  Wait for it… wait for it… there’s the look of disgust I was expecting. Alright! 

 

Okay… going into the closet… be right back…

I did it! Got clothes from the closet! How do I look!?

What’s that you say? Ohhh.  They have to be MY clothes?  I can’t choose from John’s side of the closet? Darn. Ok.

 

So.  I guess these are out of the question, then, too?

 

Darn! I was having so much fun doing this….

Going back to the closet…

Ok!  I have got to be looking hot by now!  And these are all MY clothes! What do you think???

No way.  This isn’t flattering?  Hm.  I have clearly forgotten how to put an outfit together.

 

Sexy… I’m trying to look sexy, right?

So, should I wear one of these? Which one?

OH. WAIT. NONE OF THESE FIT ME ANYMORE.  Thanks, Kevin&Leroy and Pattie.

Ok, let me try one more time.

I went into the bedroom looking for these GREAT polka dotted pants I have… but I tripped and fell and this mess got on me:

And somehow, I think this may be what we were going for?

Wait!  Let’s see…Oh. Yes.  The Rack approves.

And The Arse doesn’t look half bad!

 

And the shoes?  Come on, baby. Yeah.

It’s a winner!

 

Check Out My Rack

It has never looked finer than it does right now, with one of these badass shirts gracing it!

I know what you might be thinking.

“But Lotus, your rack is splendid every day!”

While this may be true, you cannot deny the added glory of the LTDchix shirt.

Have you seen these shirts? GO LOOK AT THEM.

And GUESS WHAT!?

You have the chance to win one.*

That’s right. All you have to do is leave a comment on this post, and by the end of the week, one of you lucky commenters will be randomly chosen to win a free LTDchix shirt! You get to choose the one you like and the lovely ladies of LTDchix (Nina and Cindi) will send it to you, free of charge. (does not include the thermals, sorry!)

These shirts really make a statement that any mom can identify with.

If you’re a mom, you’ll love them! If you’re not a mom, I guarantee that you know a mom that would love one – win her Christmas present now!

Moms:
Remember when you were pregnant for the first time, and dreaming of the wonderful motherhood journey you would experience? You were going to have a little bundle of joy and raise and nurture him/her to be a happy, loving child… living happily ever after, etc…

Then reality set in. Now you’re wise to the Pooperiffic, Drooly, Screamalicious truth of it all!

You juggle seventy-three hundred things in your head at once, never sleep, and have dirty laundry shooting out your butt.

You are/will be a nanny, maid, wetnurse, cook, bus boy, chauffer, dispute resolution advisor, janitor, nurse, and more!

The fairy-tail dream you once had sometimes feels like a nightmare.

Once you’re ACTUALLY a mom, you realize what a fantasy you were mentally creating for yourself while you were pregnant. But the great thing is, that even once your fantasy is completely obliterated, it’s still the best life you’ve ever lived!

Truly Amazing.

That is what these shirts celebrate. With one of them on, you can show everyone that you’re “Living the Dream!”

And now let’s close with another look at my rack.

PS: Mention this giveaway in a post and link it back to this one, and get entered twice!**