Onward, Soldiers!

Hello… this is Braden James.

Mommy is currently passed out asleep, drooling, and I took the opportunity to get online and try to contact some friends out there…

If you are a Mommy or Daddy… this post is not for you… don’t you have a diaper to change, a bottle to fill, or a shower to take?

I have been inspired by Amy’s Revolutionary Sleep Training Guidance.

Initially, I saw this post by Alex over at Alex, Year One and was really interested.

Then I read this post about The Revolution and this one about The 12 Steps by Amy on Sleepless Nights, and really got my engine revved.

Now I would like to give some advice of my own to other young minds out there.

Here are some things any Toddler can do to break a Mommy’s spirit. This is quite a comprehensive daily plan. Please bear with me. You will definitely find some useful information here.

[Please note that these things also work on Daddies. My Mommy is the Parental Unit I harass more frequently because she is available to me for such harassment more often, so I will be referring to "Mommy" throughout. Just insert "Daddy" if that is more appropriate in any given situation.]

Work any and all of these things into your daily routine:

>Do not act happy when you wake up in the morning or from naps. If you used to act happy/play/talk, etc. that is GREAT. The switch from that to sudden, shrill crying everyday instead will be a great attention getter.

>Your breakfast is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Throughout the day, when Mommy introduces a new activity, act like the activity is pleasing, then, with absolutely no warning, dissolve into hysterics.

>Whenever you are done with a drink cup/bottle, hurl it as far as it can go. If possible, hit Mommy in the face with it. Hard.

>If your Mommy tries to lay down on the couch and rest a little, while watching you play, as soon as she is horizontal, run over and slap her in the face real good with both hands. When she recoils and stares at you, smile as cutely as possible.

>Have no less than 6 tantrums during the course of the day. It doesn’t matter what they are about. In fact, it is better if it’s impossible to tell what they are about.

>Any time you are down on the floor for more than 3 seconds, run to Mommy and cry to be picked up. Once you are up, squirm to get down. As soon as your feet hit the floor, cry in an utterly abandoned fashion, and crumple helplessly in a heap of tears.

>The food is never prepared fast enough. NEVER. React accordingly.

>Your lunch is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>Nap Time is RIDICULOUS. Sure, you are tired, but you should choose when you sleep, and where. Whenever Mommy tries to put you down for a nap, wail and moan about it. You will, inevitably, fall asleep, because you’re so tired from all this hard work, but before that happens do your best to complain, wiggle, squirm and fuss until you can feel Mommy’s pulse elevating.

>The sooner you can wake up from Nap Time, the better. Don’t forget to scream, as per the first tip. Also, if you can take short rests during the day, you don’t even need Nap Time.

>You want to go outside at all times. ALL TIMES. If the door is even slightly approached by anyone in your presence, FREAK OUT. Give it all you’ve got.

>If you do get to go outside, once you are out there, make it clear that you had no desire to go outside and act like your Mommy is such an incompetent moron that you are about to have a mental breakdown just from looking at her.

>It is understandable if you want to have some fun outside. Outside really is wonderful. But just make sure that you mix in some displeasure, at least mild displeasure, periodically, and cling occasionally. Just to keep her on her toes.

>Hard toys are great for bashing Mommy in the face. Anything will do, as long as it is not even remotely soft.

>The diaper area is the Pit of Hell. If your Mommy tries to keep taking you there, start whining on approach, and by the time you are placed there, buck around wildly, scream, and try your best to roll/clamber/climb/jump in any direction you can.

>If the diaper scenario is repeatedly tolerated with no reaction by your Mommy other than firm resistance and singing, etc. then you must get specific and it must be brutal. Try launching yourself off the diaper changing area with reckless abandon, as if readying to do a belly flop in water. There is, of course, no water, so crash into the floor, full frontal. Make sure to bash your face into the floor, cutting the tissue that connects inner-upper lip to gums. Blood will flow freely. Scream like your head has just caught on fire. CLING.

>Your snack is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If Mommy has to pee, and you can follow her, try to climb in her lap while she is doing it. If she won’t let you, wail and moan about it. Run off crying real tears.

>Whenever Mommy is trying to do ANYTHING that doesn’t involve attending to you directly, you must either: cling to her legs crying and trying to climb up, get under foot and trip her, or try to push her out of the way over and over again. Persist ENDLESSLY with whichever of these you choose, until she gives up and attends to you directly.

>Make sure you are as accident-prone as possible all day long. Stumble, trip, fall, waver, and wobble all day long. Bash your head into anything you possibly can. Look for things you can pinch your fingers in. Bite yourself if you have to.

>Your dinner is not exactly what you wanted to have. Scream like a Banshee. Throw food. If you can hit your Mommy, that’s a bonus.

>If you are teething (and ESPECIALLY if you have some teeth already) your Mommy’s neck and shoulder are GREAT places to clamp your jaws down. Do it as hard as you possibly can, and with no warning. If Mommy reacts with an exclamation of pain, act as if she has frightened you and cry immediately. This will turn the tables on her, making her the aggressor.

>If you can get your hands on anything remotely expensive like a cell phone or camera, throw it as hard as you can, preferably so that it lands on a firm surface, like tile or marble flooring.

>Bathie time is incredibly fun. There is not much you can do to ruin it. You can attempt to frightfully immerse yourself occasionally, but most Mommies are too fast for this to cause a real issue. A real winner, here, is to push out a poopie in the bath water. Do NOT give any advanced indication that you are going to do this. Also, if you have toys to play with, it is a good idea to throw them at Mommy.

>Bedtime is at your leisure. If Mommy tries to put you down before you feel like it, resist every step of the process. Towel-drying hair is to be accompanied by the scream of a thousand pins being driven into one’s eye. Pajama donning should not be achieved in under 10 minutes. If she gets an arm in the sleeve, remove it immediately. Intense kicking during “pants application” will help slow the process.

What to do throughout the night is a WHOLE other topic. Amy gives great direction in her 12 Step Plan. Make sure you check it out.

Footnote: In order to truly destroy your chosen Parental Unit(s) you must employ the “Mix-It-Up” Technique. This means go with The Plan for a few days, then switch to “Perfect Child” mode for at least 3 or 4 days. Sometimes, PC mode should last a week or more before you bring The Plan back into action. There are even times when PC mode is required to last for months at a time. But always bring The Plan back into action.

Every time you bring The Plan back into action, the Parental Unit(s) will be immensely shocked and disturbed. For some reason, after the end of each installment of The Plan, the Parental Unit(s) believe it will never come into action again. This proves they are naive idiots.

Varying things this way will cause significant damage to the stability of the Parental Unit(s)’s mind(s), thereby giving you more power to mold them to your will.

Good luck, and Onward, Soldiers!