Screamie McGee

Braden still hasn’t stopped screaming his head off. In fact, he seems to have stepped it up a notch, and added another lovely behavior: The Fake Cry. “Wah-huh, Wah-huh, Wah-huh…*pant, pant, hyperventilate* Wah-huh, Wah-huh, Wah-huh!!!” So, there’s that now, too, along with The Shriek.

We tried and failed miserably at Operation Ignore The Shriek. Because, DUDE. You can’t ignore The Shriek. The Shriek demands your attention! The Shriek calls you to action!

The Shriek? MAKES YOU WANT TO KILL YOURSELF.

Ignore it. Mmm, hm. How do you ignore the fact that you are standing in the kitchen, holding an ice pick up to your temple, and you have no idea how you got there? Huh?

I’ve started time-outs with Braden recently. Oh, wow. THAT is fun. They really seem to diffuse his craptastic behavior for awhile, but that’s after I have to watch him cry about being in time-out. YUCK. And let’s not forget that it’s all about me, so that sucks, right? Hah.

But seriously, the screaming has to go.

I have nightmares where my son’s mouth is fused to my ear, and The Shriek is on a never-ending loop. And there’s blood coming out of my other ear, my eyes have popped out of my face, and my hands are scratching down my cheeks, nails leaving behind long, deep gouges. What? That’s not at all psycho. Stop looking at me like that.

But, does he really need his vocal chords? I mean, kids learn sign language pretty quickly, right???

Of course, he also does some loud things that are really cute… so, hm.

I guess I’ll let him keep them.

For now.

Because I NEVER scream.

Every day when I look at my son, I see how much he is like his Momma… such as how he is so smart, funny, sweet, and cute.  Surely it is not really in the way that he is painfully moody, impatient, and always finds a unique way to be a total, obnoxious pain in the ass.

I am NEVER obnoxious.  (Have you voted for me yet?)

I am certainly NOT a pain in the ass. (Have you voted for me yet???)

So, when Braden developed his latest habit, I decided this must surely be something that he inherited from John.

But, um, you know… John never SCREAMS LIKE A BANSHEE.

That’s right.  Apparently, it is ALL the rage to just shriek your GUTS out randomly throughout the day.  And if you are even slighty displeased with anything ocurring ANYWHERE IN THE WORLD, then please, please let out the highest pitched, railing scream you can possibly force your lungs and larynx to emit.  This is, according to Braden (the authority on these things, I’m sure), the Hip and With It thing to do.

In fact, if glass doesn’t break in the next state?

You.Aren’t.Doing.It.Right.

And far be it for me to say that this is ANNOYING THE SNOT OUT OF US, but… well, I have recently been wondering… just how long can you leave duct tape on a one year old child’s mouth and face before it damages the skin?

• The food takes too long to prepare.

 ”Eye-eeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

• The book he’s pushing across the floor doesn’t magically transport him to Disney World.

“ScreeeeeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!”

• Water continues to be H2O.

 ”AAAAHHH-EEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!!!!!”

It’s very difficult to get through even 30 minutes without something happening that causes him to shriek like we are cutting off a toe.  You know, like taking off his clothes, or changing his diaper. 

This is a tiny sample of The Shriek.  It really isn’t his full-on best, or longest sustaining quality… but HEY, he was TIRED, okay?

 

And, really, it just can’t keep going on like this, because, people, I think I might rip my own son’s head off.

So, yesterday (in lieu of grabbing Braden’s face between my hands and screaming, “OH, WHY, SON WHY!?”), I did what any sane person would do.  I sat my Toddler down and said to him,

“Look, Braden.  Mommy is not always, how shall I say this? Good at coping with stressful situations? So, I can certainly understand that sometimes you get frustrated, and you don’t know what to do with all your feelings.  But, really, Son, screaming is not the way to work out your problems.  The next time you feel really upset and tense, and you’re not sure what to do with your frustrations, just do what Mommy does.”

And then I told him what to do.

And now, it’s only a matter of time before he kicks the dog or makes a somewhat sarcastic and snide remark to John.