Car tantrums – the gift that keeps giving.

So nice to be home
but soon we will leave again -
holiday travel!

I feel like I need
a good trip to a Spa to
get over last trip.

Anyone want to
buy me a massage, facial?
I didn’t think so.

Getting to spend time
with family is worth it…
but DAMN, the drive sucks.

Was thinking of a
larger family car soon…
growing family.

But now I’m thinking
a cab with divider glass
is the way to go.

At least I can buy
a set of earplugs before
we leave this next time.

And maybe also
a large bottle of some nice,
groovy, sleeping pills.

Still Reigning Queen

Of Lazy Douchery, that is.

I was fully planning on getting posts to You Wonderful People even while we were traveling, but that is not how it has worked out.

Who knew that hours and hours and hours and hours AND HOURS AND HOURS AND HOURS inside a car with a toddler really does just destroy your will to live and make you not care about your website for a few days? Huh!

Who knew that when your husband gets all Road Rage-Arrific multiple times in one day, and you give up any chance of not being shot to death by someone angry on the highway that you aren’t as concerned about typing up a sarcastic post when you get to your destination as you are about falling to the ground and kissing it repeatedly?

And who knew that you should really add extra hours onto your projected travel time just in case mid-trip your little kid decides to pull some Exorcist moves from the back seat and projectile vomit repeatedly?

Man, that is one smell I don’t recommend ANYONE travel with for any extended amount of time.

I need more IRL peeps who get me, Stat!

I went to Walmart on Wednesday night to pick up some grocery items and decided to browse through the toy area to see if there were any inexpensive, small fun-toys that caught my eye for Braden’s Christmas Stocking.  You know, ahem, to tell Santa about.

I saw a toddler cleaning set in a box – toy mop, broom/dustpan, vacuum cleaner.  And I thought about how Braden always wants to play with my vacuum cleaner and broom when I’m using them.  A few steps away, there were similar items sold singly.  So I was standing there looking at a small single broom, just checking it out up close and thinking about if it was worth the purchase, when a mother browsing with her toddler walked by and said, “Why would you buy that when there’s a whole set right over here for only $20!?”

I ignored the first response that nagged to be vocalized, which would have been, “Why the hell are you worried about why I would buy anything vs. anything else, since I don’t know you, crazy Toy Bargain Lady?”

And then I skipped over the other immediate response my warped mind wanted to torture her with, “Those are cheap plastic and would surely not stand up to the many beatings I’m planning on doling out with this here baby.” (brandishing the superior toy broom with gleam in eye)

Instead, I laughed, walked over to the box, picked it up and told her, “See, the major flaw here is that the vacuum cleaner doesn’t actually work.  And I’m not interested in just training my kid – I want to put him to work.  He’s been free-loading for far too long now, know what I mean?”

I looked up with a wild smile on my face, giggling.  Totally expecting her to LAUGH.

And she looked back at me with the most concerned, “WTF?” look on her face, did that fake, “heh-heh-heh” laugh and said, “Ohhhkay.”

And this, my dear friends, is why I write here.

So that I can FIND PEOPLE WHO GET MY JOKES, DAMNIT.

Weird is another reason I love him.

My child is weird.

He likes to dump out all the toys in this collapsible container and put it on his head. Often, he sits on this zebra when he does it.

He does it with such frequency that I have stopped even putting the toys back into the container. (Choose your battles.)

I love that little weirdo!

What quirky little behaviors endear your little ones to you?

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Lunch with Uncle Randy, No farting.

Braden’s Uncle Randy is in town right now for Country Music type thingies (he’s a badass DJ in San Antonio) and we picked him up at his hotel for lunch on Monday.  The last time Randy saw Braden was when his butt still fit in the palm of my hand.  (Braden’s, not Randy’s.  I’ve never had Randy’s butt in my hand, just for the record.)

After Braden woke up (he fell asleep in the car on the way) he made sure to tell his Uncle Randy “Hiiiii!” about seventy times.

Have I mentioned that he really likes to say “Hi” to people?  Yeah.  He totally does.

Luckily, Randy didn’t fart during lunch or Braden would have been yelling, “FARTER! FARTER!” over and over again.  That’s his other favorite thing to say.  Like when we’re at Kroger shopping and someone else’s shopping cart wheel makes a fart noise.  And then he starts saying that really loud over and over again (FARTER!  FARRRRTER!)… and all I can do is almost shit myself laughing (because, hello?  that is hilarous).  Which is great, since then I’d smell like turds and that would at least confirm for everyone what they were already thinking – that I ACTUALLY FARTED and he’s busting me.

Ahh…  well, that’s what I get for being the one who taught him how to say that in the first place, eh?

Of course, by the way, Braden was a complete Angel all through lunch (Elmo DVD on travel sized DVD player helped).  Randy mentioned that Braden was nowhere near as troublesome as I made him seem on my blog.

And so it goes – the child is, as they always are, successful at charming and fooling everyone else into thingking he is NOT actually a demon spawn from the pits of hell (yes, my uterus is hell) but is actually a sweet, little cherub of light and joy.
Ohhh, beware yea – those of you who are fooled by the little rosy-cheeked prince.  He will have your souls.

Want to babysit for a few days, Uncle Randy? 

I always wanted a kid with an egg growing out of his head.

Dear Braden,

You are endlessly in motion!

Mommy is SO TIRED.  Mommy is SO EMOTIONAL.

Remember how Mommy keeps telling you to stop throwing your various body parts on Mommy’s belly because there is a baby growing in there and we don’t want to hurt it?  That baby is growing so much that it’s taking all of Mommy’s energy away from her.  It’s SUCKING OUT HER FRIGGIN’ LIFE FORCE.

All your silly energy is awesome.  Mommy really loves and appreciates it.  Your songs and dances make Mommy smile so much.

But sometimes Mommy just can’t keep up with you right now… and that’s okay, except when things get a bit dangerous.

So, for the next couple of months, could you please stop:

• running
• climbing
• jumping
• running
• twirling
• leaping
• running A FREAKING LOT
• taking off your diaper and peeing on the kitchen floor, THEN running through the puddle, slipping, falling and bashing your head

Because Mommy is seriously going to have a heart attack if you don’t CHILL OUT.

Love,
Mommy

Oh, Those Eyes…

Somehow, those eyes even override the disgustingness that is Crusty Sick Nose.

They also help him get away with crap like this.


Yeah. He can reach stuff on the counters.

Haiku Sick Sucks

I know that kids must
suffer colds, flus, and other
ailments – it’s normal.

But I can’t stand to
see my little Bean so ill…
snotty, whiny, sad.

He coughs, gags, sniffles…
sneezes make his eyes water.
He’s tired, frustrated.

He comes to us and
all he wants is to be held;
cuddles up closely.

His eyes speak to me,
“Mommy, make it stop hurting.”
My heart is breaking.