I ate snot. I win.

Being sick in Spring is not fun, wonderful, or delightful.

Being sick in Spring while your toddler is also ragingly sick? Well, that’s about as fun as being a balloon animal at a drunk porcupine convention.

And let me add, you have really not LIVED until you have been force-fed a handful of Honey Nut Scooters (generic brand of Cheerios, for you rich assholes) coated in toddler snot. Until you experience this, your soul just has.not.awakened.

I could be wrong though, since my brain is stuck in this mucky haze which is part “I WANT TO KILL YOU ALL RIGHT NOW WITH MY BARE HANDS” (menstrual hag) and part “OMG I AM DYING, I KNOW IT” (pathetic, whiny, sick douche).

I just… well… he has been SO miserable and sad lately. And his nose has been steadily and continuously leaking sick toddler snot in copious amounts. I try to keep up with it, but most of the time he beats me to it. That little hand just darts up and swipes it away.

And while, yes, this is gross, it’s not nearly as disgusting as that tendency some kids have to try mimicking a cow by sticking their tongues on up into the Snot Fest. So, I’m thanking my stars, here, that my kid hasn’t thought of that yet. (We’ll talk about how he licked snot off his fingers another day, okay?)

Anyway, today, he ran into the living room from the kitchen with a handful of his cereal. He made a bee-line for me on the couch, and since I was kind of slumped over towards the floor (yeah, I’m that pathetic) he had full access to my face. Which delighted him, and he just started shoving the cereal into my face.

He had this sparkle in his eyes as he crammed every last piece in my mouth.  Delight was painted across every inch of his face.  There was absolutely no way in the world I could bring myself to stop him.

His little fingers kept going in with the cereal.  I could detect the flavor of sweet, delicious cereal.

As well as the lovely sensation of cold, sticky, wet sick toddler snot.

And I just kept repeating in my head, “It’s okay, you’re going to be okay, just don’t think about it, don’t think about it, it’s going to be okay….”

I ate snot for my kid today.  WHAT DID YOU DO FOR YOUR KID?

I think the mayo was spoiled or something…

So, if you came by my website sometime on January 2nd, you probably got the feeling that something was not quite right.

You were given that strange feeling either by the huge black background and prominent red scorpion on the front page, the pictures of crying children and declaration to stop the killing in Palestine, or the approximately eleventy-million popup windows that tried to open so your computer could be infected with viral slime.

I mean, I’m just guessing.  It could have been something else.  Maybe you just ate a bad sandwich that day.

Hoping that the new year will bring with it change for the better is not met well with getting online for the first time in over 24 hours only to find that your site has been COMPLETELY hacked and replaced.

I almost threw up.  I cried.  I thought about just shutting down the website forever.  Seriously.

I climbed the walls.  I was VERY ANGRY.

I Twittered like crazy.  Remember the other day when I said how great Twitter is?  PEOPLE, TWITTER IS GAAAAHHHH-RATE.  I found help from people there!  The site is back up. Security measures have been taken, and more are being researched/planned/undertaken.

I wanted to apologize to anyone who experienced any inconvenience because of what happened.  I mean, it really wasn’t my fault (I didn’t make that bad sandwich you ate, yo), but I still feel pretty bad that the ugly happened on my turf, ya know?

I’m throwing out that bad mayo, and I’m hoping you never get a rotten sandwich here again.

Can we still be friends? 

Technical Difficulties… Please Stay Tuned

John arrived home late Sunday night – soon after, he fell ill.  VERY ill.

It seems John brought a friend home off the road with him – YAY!

Have I mentioned that I’m not the best at hospitality?  Well, I’m not.  I’m socially retarded in so many ways, and that is one of them.  And when the guest is a disgusting virus that causes uncontrollable, violent vomiting and endless, explosive diarrhea that makes you wish you were DEAD?  Yeah, I’m definitely not the gracious host.

Meet our house guest – Gastroenteritis! 

So far, victim count in the Carroll Home is 2.  I fell to the virus after John had been home for about 36 hours.  We are both still sick, but luckily, finally starting to recover.

So far, Braden is untouched. 

I would rather rip off my left arm and rub the bloody stump up against broken glass shards soaked in acid while beating myself over the head with my detached limb than have my little Braden suffer this illness.

Excuse me now.  I’m off to lie down wherever I fall and hope that my next big fart doesn’t have a surprise coming with it.