Posts Tagged Wine
When your uterus threatens to take hostages, things are clearly out of control. Menstruation Rules!
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Body/Health, Humor, Rant on April 6, 2009
Dear Internet:
My muse wanted me to tell you that she’s been rockin’ and rollin’ pretty heartily recently. She has knocked back some stiff drinks, tickled my brain with the naughty feather, and laughed in my ear. I have grinned, typed, and clickity clacked away at my keyboard, happily.
She also wants you to know that tonight, she’d love to help me out and provide some great content for you, however, she’s been struggling to keep her head above the muck inside the swirling vat of menstrual hormones that is MY ENTIRE BEING right now. Earlier, she was doing the drowning sign and gasping for air. I gave her the finger and told her to “fend, bitch” because I have my own shit to deal with, okay?
She is currently fleeing from my angry, rampaging uterus, which is running at her full force, prepared to bludgeon her to death with an engorged tampon. It has already threatened to create a hostage situation with a list of demands if it can capture her. That ho bettah run, because here at Casa SarcMom we do NOT negotiate with Effing Terrorists. Or Asshole Uteri.
In defense of the out-of-control uterus, it feels like a damn badger is gnawing on it, and just in case you’re wondering? NO. THAT DOES NOT FEEL GOOD. It feels… how do they say it? AbsofackinlutelyCraptastic.
So that great content? Uh… yeah.
Also? Who the hell authorized there being NO WINE IN MY HOUSE RIGHT NOW?
I might have to burn it down just to make a point.
I’m going to go punch myself in the uterus really hard (knock that damn badger loose) and then look for the matches.
Someone send booze.
Lazy douche goes to Ultimate Blog Party, Nashville.
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Blogging Stuff, Friends, Husband, Miscellaneous Blabbering on March 23, 2009
Have you heard of The Ultimate Blog Party by 5 Minutes for Mom?
Probably so, because you are all much smarter, more hip, and in the know than I.
I hadn’t heard about it until my lovely friend Mrs. Fussypants invited me to the physical version of one going on here in Nashville.
No offense to 5M4M, it’s just that I never know what the hell is going on anywhere until someone clues me in. I’m a super idiot spazz braindead moron cutting edge on-the-fly kinda girl like that.
That didn’t even make any sense. But let’s pretend like it did.
Point? I’m heading over to Malia’s house Monday evening, where the Nashville Ultimate Blog Party is being held, to embarrass myself at yet another internet-related IRL Event. And I’m forcing my husband to come with me, because I heard there MIGHT be a LITTLE wine there and if there is? I get to have some. And that means he gets to drive.
Sarcastic Mom does not endorse drunk, buzzed, or tipsy driving.
Get thy drink on safely.
You know, what I really meant to say is that if he didn’t come with me, I’d miss him a lot and be miserable. Yeah, that’s it.
And I didn’t just correct myself for fear of losing frequent foot rubs and after-dinner dish cleanup by the hus.
And by the way, it’s also totally not just so he can babysit Braden while I blab and gab and act like a super doof.
Really. It’s not.
Our bond is thick and dear and we cannot bear to be apart for even short periods of time.
Yeah. You don’t even believe me, do you? You damn people have gotten too smart.
So, Monday night I get to leave the house in the evening (*gasp*), possibly have a drink, hang out with other bloggers (score) and listen to the lovely Leslie Mills perform.
I hear tell that we are supposed to be prepared to be interviewed, so I’ll be washing the bottom of my shoes on the off chance that I’ll be sticking one of my feet in my mouth.
You laughed when I said “off chance.” Seriously. Stop being so damn smart.
This post really was the dumbest way to virtually introduce myself to anyone visiting from the UBP, but hey, might as well make it clear from the get-go that I am clueless, moronic, lazy, irresponsible, and can’t be expected to follow rules.
By the way, apparently there are prizes to be won if you follow all the rules and post something/link in by March 27. Or something like that. I got a bit confused. I think you have to comment on at least 832 blogs to enter. What? I don’t remember, but it sounded cool. For people who have energy and are not Big Fat Lazy Douches.

Just give me my wine, and I will be okay.
More Questions, With Answers! Woohoo!
Posted by Lotus, aka Sarcastic Mom in Aging, Body/Health, Miscellaneous Blabbering on November 24, 2008
Going to be doing some stuff and thingies this week, in different places and locations. Heh.
So, busy busy busy, go go go, this that and the other = I’ll be Away From Keyboard a LOT.
To keep all of You Wonderful People entertained and amused, I’ll be slinking a little away from Lazy Douchedom again this week by FINALLY answering more of the questions you asked forever ago!
Then, later, I’ll also be asking YOU some questions. So get ready, my pretties.
Previous Posts Containing Answers:
Answers to “food-based” questions
Second installment of answers
Today’s Installment:
Dawn asked: “If you could snap your fingers and change one part of your body, what would it be?”
Well, if you had asked me that as a child, my IMMEDIATE response would have been,”My ears.” I got made fun of A LOT for my ears.
Being called “Dumbo” was not unheard of.
Bastards.
A year ago, I’d have asked for someone to zap my Muffin-op away.
But bah. I’m pregnant now, so the Muffin-Top is just providing the rounded-out icing on top of my bulbous cake of a belly. Yay and shi.
What I’d really like is thinner, smoother thighs. The junk in my trunk I can handle, but I HATES DEM OLE JELLY LEGS.
******
Kat asked: “What do you want to be when you grow up (you know, figuratively speaking, who wants to grow up anyway!)”
When I was a little kid (yes, I’m going to start off that way again) I wanted to be an astronaut. AND a ballerina. Yes, at the same time. And, uh, I TOTALLY could have done either or both, but I changed my mind. So there.
Years ago, I thought I wanted to be a research psychologist and professor. I burned out on that idea in Grad School. Oh, Grad School, how I look back at you with much fear and loathing.
Nowadays, I’m focusing more on how I can make today and tomorrow better for my family and myself, and less on “when I’m all grown up.” And busy learning that might be the best thing for me mentally. And maybe partly because of my tendency to be in denial about my aging in the first place.
******
Katie Ann asked: “What made you choose a chihuahua?”
Honestly? I HAVE NO IDEA. I have always thought Chihuahuas are HORRIBLE little pests of dogs! That they are annoying and really begging to be kicked across the room at any given moment.
And you know what? I WAS RIGHT.
Heh. Okay, the little jerk IS cute. And sometimes he doesn’t suck.
******
Veronica asked: “When are you going to fly over and visit me?”
Tomorrow, Honey. Better get your ass to the airport and pick me up. With chocolates in hand.
I WISH! *muah*
******
Marylin asked: “Hmm, where and what would you do in your dream holiday?”
Anywhere I can Sleep. Sleep. Sleeeeep. SleeeeeEEEP. SLEEEEEEEEEEEEEEP.
And have wine. Chocolate. Cheese.
Then more sleep.
See? I’m easy.
******
That’s it for today! Stay tuned for more… and be ready to answer my questions, too.






















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