On processing my Blissdom Conference experience.

There is so much. So very much, and there is no way I can touch it all in one post. I’m going to break this up into posts on different days (non-consecutive, of course, wouldn’t want to ruin my lazy douche reputation by posting two whole days in a row with words and stuff) as I speak specifically, and share photos (mine and others’) and videos with you as I go along.

photo by Mishelle Lane

And even then, I won’t be able to get it all across to you. The excitement, the freedom, the friendship, the FLASHMOB (oh yeah!), the chance to speak and share, the Community, the panels, the musical performances, the food and drinks, the fun, the laughter. The LOVE.

photo by Mishelle Lane

I’m going to try very hard, but there just seems so much and some parts of it seem so deep, that I fear I have not the skill, the time, the energy… to really make you see, hear, and feel it the way you should, the way I wish for you to, the way I did.

I’m going to tell you now, before I start the posts by day, that I truly love this community of persons I’ve become connected to these last several years. Some of you I am only connected to by the wisp of a thread, and we float into and out of one another’s lives only occasionally. Others of you spend time with me every now and again, us keeping up in bouts and starts and stops, flowing here and there; you make my life your here sometimes and your there at other times. Still others of you are tied to me like a lifeline, and I think of or hear from you every day; we’ve been with one another through happy times and hard ones, and everything in between.

photo by Mishelle Lane & Lotus Carroll

All of you amaze me, inspire me, and collectively form a thing I am constantly in awe of and drawn to endlessly.

Each of you should attend this conference next year, or the first time you have the chance to do so. I’m rooted in the heritage of BD and have been a part of this Blissdom Community since it began in a crazy, cowhide-covered-walls hotel with a pink crayon brazier in the lobby (no really), and I’ll be a part of it for the rest of its fabulous ride down the road. I can tell you that with absolute surety, and I will also tell you now that what keeps me coming back is not just my ties to its past, or my deep and abiding love for the woman whose heart dreamed this dream so fiercely that she made it come true, but for the HUGE sense of love, friendship, and community I feel while I’m at this conference.

There isn’t any substantial amount of time that you will spend alone while at Blissdom (unless you really want to be alone, and I’m right there with you on that one, we all need to decompress, and for me that’s hiding in my hotel room every now and then in the dark because I will be a complete hag to someone in that moment if I don’t, and also because I get REALLY GASSY when I’m traveling/nervous and you gotta excuse yourself every little while and let that out, but I digress) and you won’t find one minute when there isn’t something amazing right at your fingertips.

My word for this conference is LOVE.

Call me cheesy (I really don’t mind, cheese is one of my favorite things in the world), but that is the truth. And Love, when it is truly felt and shared and spread around, is basically the most wonderful thing that exists. Some pretty popular and talented Liverpoolers once said that it’s all you need.  I think they were pretty much right.

I’m looking forward to sharing these next several posts with you. I hope you enjoy them.

Oh, and one more thing: All you women out there, the ones I know well and hold dearly in my heart, the ones who have been with me for the past few years, and those who only check in once in a great while, as well as any woman who just happens to stumble through here for whatever reason, and even those who never read these words themselves at all or know me in the least (can you tell them for me?)…

~You are beautiful.

our regularly scheduled program will return after this brief period of bliss

I got this tiny bell in the HerStory Workshop today, at Blissdom. Isn’t it cute? Thanks to Aliza and Maya. The exercises they offered were thought provoking. And I discovered that the story of my life is entitled, “I haven’t screwed up too bad, yet. But give me time.” You’d buy it, right?

I also want to give giant props to the ladies who paneled the Writer’s Craft Workshop. I *thoroughly* enjoyed myself – what a great discussion. I had the beginnings of what I think is going to be a very good post in my hands when I walked out of that room Thursday evening. Thank you so much, Megan, Arianne, Deb, and Amber.

I’ll be heading back to the Opryland Hotel (can you say “friggin’ gorgeous?”) tomorrow morning and staying until Sunday (Weekly Winners may post late this week, but it will be up by Sunday sometime.)  Thank you so much, Monica & Bridget, for letting me share your hotel room.

Gotta go pack a bag now and get a little sleep before I hurry back over there tomorrow to hug on some more beeshes.

I love seeing so many women that I think the world of in one place.

Every time I hear a squee, an angel gets her wings.

Amen, girlfriend.

For all the drunk ladies in the bar who don’t have a good enough girlfriend to tell them?

I fell in love when I saw the message over this bar bathroom during Blissdom 09 Photo Walk.

I can’t tell you how many times I can remember going into a bar bathroom to pee and seeing women madly obsessing over themselves in front of the mirrors. Applying makeup, fixing hair, adjusting clothing, etc.

Most of the time, I was stumbling in there half drunk, hitting the stalls, about to burst. (You know, once you break the seal on a drinking night, you’re screwed, friends.) Then I’d have to wait for the latest Cover Girl to finish her application before I could wash my hands.

And I’ve got nothing against anyone checking their appearance or light grooming. But what I’ve seen in the bathroom so very often has gone way beyond that.

I doubt the guys are doing this over in their bathroom. What gives?

I think every bathroom mirror in the world should say at least the first part of what’s above the one in the picture.

“Stop staring. You’re beautiful.”

It’s true.

Lazy Douche Enablers: Dawn, Alex Year Two

Lazy Douche Enablers write posts for me every other Tuesday. That way, I can be a much better… you guessed it: Lazy Douche. Today’s Enabler is Dawn, of Alex Year Two and Room 704

My little secret…

Men – you need to leave. This is not a post you want to read. Go the place that is else . . . come back tomorrow . . .

I was at work one day and the conversation turned to orgasms.

As they do.

I shared a story that I will share with you here.

Scout and I were laying in bed talking about orgasms. Or my non orgasm during sex, as it were. He says, “Well. I . . . I’ve never had someone …. um …. not . . . before . . .”

I opened my mouth to reply . . .

I took a deep breath . . .

“Well, they, um, were liars, fucking liars, sluts clearly very in touch with their own bodies and and very comfortable with themselves . . .”

I didn’t have the heart to tell them that there were a bunch of fakers in there.

The three of us laughed and laughed. Not at my sweet husband, but at all y’all out there who think a woman has never faked it with you.

Hey dudes, I told you to leave. You didn’t listen. This is what you get.

The next day – one of the girls came to work and immediately grabbed me . . .

She shared a story that I will share with you here.

“So I told my husband about our lunch conversation yesterday . . . he didn’t understand why we laughed . . . he said, “but no one has ever faked it with me before . . . ”

(To this day, hubs still believes in the 100% orgasm rate before me. I like to think of it as a gift from me to his masculinity.)

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When she’s not laughing about fake orgasms, Dawn authors a website about her son and other life topics, Alex Year Two. And if you want to see where Dawn, er, gets real, visit her latest project, Room 704. It’s creating quite a “buzz.” And by this Friday, I’ve heard that a visit there will help you stop being a fakester, too. *ohsnort*

The one where I make you look at my ass. And Elvis.

Have you seen a ton
of Blissdom Conf posts this week?
Here’s another one.

Thought I could not go.
Husband gone and no childcare.
No conference pass!

Thursday? Felt sorry
for myself. A bit jealous.
But then realized…

Your happy is what
you make it. So, Friday I
hopped on over there.

In the parking lot
saw my first three hot ladies.
FLINGER LICKED ME. SCORE!

From eleven to
one:thirty I ran people
down with B’s stroller.

Entered a sea of
mingling, chatting ladies.
Saw faces I knew.

While I still felt like
sort of a jerk outsider,
my spirits lifted.

That night, was honored -
four ladies came to my home!
For hours we all laughed.

Dawn*, Victoria,**
Sammanthia,***Leslie**** – they came -
brought food, drinks, and mirth.

Photo by Victoria, with Leslie’s Phone, Edited by Me. Heh.

A balm to my soul.
Can’t express how I needed
a night just.like.that.

Wasn’t planning to,
but Saturday morning I
hopped over again!

Photo courtesy of Domestic Extraordinaire

More love ly faces…
snapped a bra and then B and
I crashed a session!

Photo courtesy of A Mommy Story

(Oops! Sorry, Alli!)
We’re total rebels! B now
Blog Branding expert.

Photo courtesy of Domestic Extraordinaire

Braden blogged along!
Okay, okay, it was a
Spongebob DVD.

(Damn, this is long, huh?
Heh. Sorry about that guys.
But it’s fun for me.)

I had a short, but
lovely (unregistered) time.
Wish I had seen more!

But Sunday morning,
more fun to be had on the
Blissdom Photo Walk!

Lisa, Jill, Roni,
Colleen, Leighann, Mishelle… then
Maggie and Michelle!

Walked Downtown Nashville,
took photos, chatted… enjoyed
the warm, sunny day.

Photo courtesy of Mommy Always Wins

Swooned a bit over
Elvis. I think Braden was
worried about me.

Photo courtesy of Mommy Always Wins

FYI: Some shots
require you to stick your ass
out for all to see.

Photo courtesy of Mommy Always Wins

Did I have “total
conference experience?”
Hell no, I did not.

What I had instead,
was the best I could each day.
And? That was darn good.

*BEWBS
**”Snort that, bitchez.”
***The “i” is silent!
****She drinks when she cusses, ya’ll.

If you can’t have it all, take a little.

My fingers are cold.
Upstairs my child is sleeping.
I’m down here alone.

Thermostat set low
in the hopes that next power
bill will be lower.

My toes are so cold.
There’s work to do; I’m too tired -
Emotionally.

A short drive from here
women are laughing, playing.
Warm, happy, together.

Here, it is quiet.
I sit still on the couch and
ignore my numb toes.

Perhaps, in the morn
I’ll join them very briefly.
Just a quick warm up.

Let’s Get Mediocre and Screw. Up.

A couple of months ago I was at a conference with many other women. I sat there listening to the conference speaker in my outfit I had agonized over, with my embarrassing,  ponytailed hair that  really needed to be cut, and worried about my appearance.  (Because really, it IS all about me. All. The. Time.) As I sat there with all the other shiny, pretty mommies, my blood ran cold when I heard the speaker say:

“Pull up your right pantleg.”

Uh-oh.

“Now take your left hand and feel the woman’s leg to your right.”

All the shiny, pretty mommies groaned. We were BUSTED.  As I reached over and felt the girl to my right’s hairy calf, and as mine was felt up as well, I thought, “this is kinda hot!” “Yay! I am not the only one who haz ugly!”

The speaker then went on to say that we  shiny, hairy mommies had just participated in the “ministry of mediocrity” – helping others by showing our real selves.  Wiping off the lip-plumping-diamond-shine-hydra-gloss and puckering up with our skinny, dry, cracked smackers.  She said that when we show others our imperfections, they can better accept their own.

The be-atch had a point.

It made me think of a good friend with whom I have playdates.  We’ve decided to betrothe our two-year-olds (really, arranged marriages just eliminate so much of the worry!) so we get the kids together so they can start getting to know each other. This girl and I are both terrible housekeepers.  I love going over to her house and seeing cheerios and three-day-old shredded cheese on the floor. It’s like Christmas!  She’s giving me a gift by being just as bad or worse at housekeeping as I am.  And you know what?  I am as comfortable in her mess as I am in my own. We can relax, celebrate our epic failure, and have a good time together.

(Exhibit A: the current state of my living room floor)

So do me a favor, blogosphere.  When I see you at BlissDom or BlogHer, and I stick my hairy legs in your face and ask you to feel them, will you obligingly do so and then show me a hairy pit or a chin hair?  Don’t be a tease, I know you’re not perfect.  Let’s compare uglies, get comfy, and party!

Come on, now…I showed you mine.  Will you show me yours?

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There has to be some law against being that gorgeous even with a ponytail and hairy legs… anyone? No? Well, it’s a good thing for Jenny, then, because she’d be in the lock-up for sure. When she’s not too busy being so damn cute, she spends her time Mommin It Up! with her cousin Emily. Hop over!

I wanted to hurl… I cried instead.

I attended my first Blogging Conference Thingie on Saturday. You may have seen me mention it at some point previously?

Yes, that would be Blissdom 08 – sponsored by Epson and planned/organized/streamlined by One2One Network.

Saturday morning I woke up early so that I could shower (all you ladies who hugged me that day can give me hearty thanks, because I STANK before that shower). The first thing I noticed was that my stomach was sending me a memo. It read:

“Hi! You are pregnant! Welcome to Nausea! Enjoy the inevitable stress of wondering whether you’re going to hurl or not!  Better chomp on those Tums now!  *LAUGH*”

My first response to noting the strong feeling of impending puke was to be absolutely annoyed that it would happen on the day of Blissdom ’08. Right on the heels of that I got as giddy as a pixie on crack, because I was thinking it’s a good sign! Lots of Quease-Inducing-Progesterone = healthy, strong pregnancy!

Yay, bring on the puke! (By the way, have you noticed that my tiny sidebar alien is getting a little cuter? Awww. It made me teary on Sunday when I noticed it.)

ANYWAY… Once I got to the lovely Hotel Preston, I admired the Pink-Crayon-Boob-Art (uh, not the official name of the piece)…

photo courtesy of Secret Agent Mama

…and then I left Braden with some lovely sitters from Mommy Mixer.  Couldn’t have attended without them!  Thank you, wonderful baby watchers!  Then it was off to Blogging Merriment for me.

Seeing so many lovely faces on Saturday and getting to hug the necks of sweet and wonderful women I adore was really fabulous. (And so many more, forgive me if I missed your link!)

I called Heather “Ho” directly upon meeting her, and she called me “Skank.” I think one day we might get married, because it is clear that we are on the same wavelength (and we’re both sluts).

There was a lot of information to take in – great tips and amazing thoughts and questions from everyone.  It was such a wonderful day of sharing with like-minded women.

I think I got through the whole day without shoving my foot in my mouth or saying anything too horrible. No one gave me the finger, so that’s a good sign. (Though Shannan did get rather animated during Q&A and flip both birds at once while telling a story. <3)

I also didn’t say any cusswords while I was on panel (unlike SOME people – and this is why I LOVE some people)… I was very well behaved for Mommy Alli and Auntie Karla.

photo courtesy of Secret Agent Mama

I did kind of start crying while answering a question, so while I did not puke, I did leak from my face a little bit. I also found it impossible to answer a question in one sentence.

Big surprise, right?