Totally triumphant. Or something.
You know what you should do if you’re trying really hard to lose weight?
You should work out regularly. You should drink lots of water. You should sleep at least 7 hours a night. (Don’t laugh, damnit, that’s the guideline!) *ahem* You should eat meals that are balanced, high in lean protein and fiber. You should eat several small meals a day rather than a few large ones. Snacks are good. Try to balance good carbs with protein for better digestion and fat burning! Make sure you take a multi-vitamin, calcium and vitamin D. Make sure you get enough Omega-3 and Omega-6 Fatty Acids in your diet. You may even want to take a supplement. You should not eat after the evening has worn on into the night. No late eating! This is a big one! Seriously! Don’t eat late! Go to sleep and get up and have breakfast.
And totally, if you have a hard time with this, just drink water when you want to eat. Keep reminding yourself mentally why you are doing this! Say it out loud if you have to! It will make you feel better, look better, and be more healthy! It will make your body work better, and last longer! You CAN be successful and if you just kick your will power into high gear you CAN make it all the way through a very long night when you really really really really really really want to eat something late by keeping on telling yourself, “NO, NO, YOU CAN DO THIS! DON’T EAT ANYTHING!”
And when 1am hits and you have been successful at not eating anything all night long you can feel totally triumphant and know that you are doing something great for your mind and body!
So great, in fact, that you should celebrate by eating some ice cream.
BECAUSE YOU’RE A TOTAL TURDBAG. GAH!!!
PS: It was only a few spoons, at least.
PPS: But it was so damn good, dude. Mmmm.
PPPS: And I had no right being awake at 1am, either, by the way.
Could you get right on that, Eclipse and Orbit? Thanks!
When I wrote recently about how I’m re-motivated to attack my fat rolls, get in shape, and lose some more weight, some of you said, “Me too!” and others said something like, “Tell us how it goes, we need encouragement!”
So, um, I’m going to keep you updated on how I’m doing and what’s working for me, and you can chime in and let me know the same. In this way, I get held accountable by all of you to actually keep doing this!
It’s really very easy to sit on the couch and eat popcorn and M&Ms. Eating healthy all day (or rather, just NOT EATING ALL DAY LONG) and keeping myself moving is the hard-to-do thing!
Since the last post I wrote about all this, I’ve actually hung out with Billy Blanks 4 times. Yes, I know that is a small number of times to write on a page this big. But I actually feel REALLY triumphant about it, because I wanted to give up EVERY TIME and I DIDN’T. (I also had to wait out a nagging lower back pain - remember to listen to your body when it tells you to wait a couple days!)
I still fall on my face at least 5 and a half times each time I try to do all the stuff Billy’s doing, but at the end when he says he loves me, it makes me all gushy and stuff. And the bruises really do fade away after a couple of days if you make sure you’re getting enough vitamin D and K. So, you know, I keep at it.
The cool thing is that I actually am getting better at that crazy Tae Bo crap, and I’m able to complete more of the video each time. When I get winded, I grab a glass of water, sit on the edge of the couch, and keep moving my arms and legs while I sip the H20. That keeps me hydrated and gives me a little time to catch my breath while I’m still keeping my body moving (any movement is better than none). When I feel stronger again, I jump right back in with what Billy’s doing and keep at it. There is no shame in this! In fact, practicing this type of acceptance about what your body is currently able to do will help you actually stick with the program long enough to see results and improve your performance over time. So don’t ever feel bad about listening to your body.
I have yet to re-attack Miss D’umo specifically. But you just wait. I am going to do that before long, and I will make sure to post pictures for all you lovely people.
My snacking curb tip for right now is that I drink a ton of water and I chew gum. It really actually helps dispel some of the pointless snacking I want to do. (As for meals, I’ve been eating stuff like this.)
If only they’d come out with ChocolateCakewithWhiteIcing flavored sugarless gum, then my life would be complete.
What works for you?
Yup. Spazzazoid.
After yesterday’s slight moderate okay, huge heart-attack moment, I’m trying to stop shaking like a dorkwad and breathe normally. Why does something like that make me go all bat-turds?
Oh, yeah. Because I’m a slightly moronic Spazzazoid. Yes. I just made up a word. Use it freely.
My plan for today was to keep the “meme drawer” clean and do a couple of these thingies I’ve been tagged for. Because if you’ve been around for awhile, you have seen what can happen when I don’t keep the Meme Drawer Clean. And if you haven’t been around awhile, feel free to click and find out, man. But be warned. That’s a shizzo-lotta crap to read about me.
But hey! If you’re really into getting to know me better you can read about My Eights. Or, if you’d just like to point and laugh at my stupidity… Get In Line. Uh, I meant, you’re in luck, because you can now do that… with such wonderfully embarassing anecdotes as the “floating turd story” and finding out that you’re not alone if you have, indeed, sharted… just by reading this sexy post.
*ahem*
It’s also Thursday Thirteen, and dangit if if I didn’t get my Go-Go-Gadget Brain! in gear and decide to be the incredibly whizzomatic, geniusoriffic, and smartastical person I am (*snort*) by bringing you today’s…
7 Things Meme PLUS 6 Things Meme = Your Fabuloso Thursday Thirteen!
Holy turds, who knew I could add?
I was tagged for the 7 Things Meme by the following awesomeatious persons:
Napaboaniya
Christie
Kat
Vegan Mama
And for the 6 Things Meme by these wonderiffical peeps:
Sarie
Ray
Cookiebitch
13 Random Thoughts that floated through Sarcastic Mom’s head today:
1. Why.do.I.have.to.wake.up?
2. I’m totally unprepared for the first time I catch Braden eating a Booger. Words of advice?
3. I wonder if it’s possible to vote for Coffee for President.
4. Why can’t groceries just regenerate themselves?
5. Kevin & Leroy are still touching me innapropriately.
Hi. This is my backfat.
6. Has anyone’s vag.ina actually ever fallen off?
Hm. I googled it (“vag.ina fell off”) and discovered 2 awesome things.
1. It doesn’t look like there are any documented cases of vag.inas falling off.
2. The #2 Google Hit for that search is on THIS SITE. I’m putting that on my resume.
7. What’s that SMELL?
8. My hand just had to slip while I was checkin the diaper, didn’t it? My finger just HAD to slip into the sh*t, didn’t it???
9. Poop should not be allowed to exist. (Then there wouldn’t be any Scatastrophes.)
10. Tabitha D’umo is still mocking me. Die, whore!
11. I am a good mother. Ignore the picture below and just maintain eye contact with me, damn you.
12. It’s really not that hard to ignore your child’s screaming when it’s coming from inside the closet on the other side of the house. Really.
13. I don’t have to pull any cheap tricks to make people visit my website. It’s just because I’m such a good writer.
“The Rack”
Have a great (rest of) Thursday, friends! And don’t forget… *insert words of wisdom*
.
.
.
Let’s make s’mores.
The time left until my big, exciting appointment with the Endocrinologist is s. l. o. w. l. y ticking away. Every day seems like a year. Every minute seems like an hour in which the world is sitting on my shoulder saying, “You don’t hold us up very well, woman. Your shoulders are weak. You need to workout more.”
Tabitha D’umo looks at me from the cover of her stupid Dance DVD. Mocking me. I entertain thoughts of burning her face up in a bonfire as I dance around it, naked, in my front yard. But it is below freezing, and I can’t find my matches. Darn.
Last week was a long, long week. Lots of good. Lots of bad. We fight. I snip. I apologize. We butt heads. We talk. I cry. We laugh. We cuddle in bed and then fall asleep.
The next day, it happens all again. I just want to sleep all day. Can I please just sleep all day? I don’t want to be a human today. I want to sit in the corner and stare at the wall. Also. I want to stop having frizzy hair that breaks if you look at it wrong, and brittle nails that do the same. My back locks up and my neck goes stiff on me. I find patches of dry skin on my feet that look like this:
On the days when I can actually get out of the house (like Monday, thank you, Alli!) things feel better. The motto is, “Movement in Sunshine.” It seems to help with the Depression Symptoms. But the lump in my throat. That choking feeling. And that world. On my shoulders. Oy.
Please help me, Mrs. Endocrinologist. And tell me this paper you sent that says, “payment in full is due at time of service” was just a mean joke you like to play. Please?
Oh, look. I just found my matches. Wanna meet me in the front yard, my friends? Bring your marshmallows.
.
.
.
Dance your way… dead.
I wanted to join Dawn’s new thing, Showin’ Off on Saturday, and in light of recent events, I thought it would be perfect to try one of my new work-out DVDs today, take pictures, and show off how I tried something new this week (which is what she has challenged us all to do).
Yesterday, I purchased “Billy Blanks, Tae Bo Cardio” and “Prevention: drop it with dance, w/Tabitha D’umo.” I’m a little bit scared of the Tae Bo video for starting off, so I decided to see if I could get my groove on with Tabitha. Which was stupid of me to start off with, because, I’m so WHITE, rice is jealous. I? cannot get my groove on. Period. I trip and fall if I just THINK about walking across the room.
It was difficult to even get started, because apparently, putting anything other than Baby Einstein in the DVD player brings about ARMAGEDDON. After much wailing and gnashing of teeth, I decided that Kevin & Leroy are a serious enough issue for me to go through Armageddon.
In went the “drop it with dance” DVD.
But, Eh-Muuuuuhhhmmmmm…. I don’t WANT you to do the dance exercises!!!
Ohhh, Braden. Mommy doesn’t WANT to do the dance exercises either, but she HAS to do them. Isn’t that yucky?
Ok. I’m ready, I think. But a little unsure of myself… and I have a half-naked child attached to me.
No, wait. Clearly, I am supposed to be wearing shoes! Ack! Shoes!
No shoes. Not ready!
Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes!
No, wait. I’m not ready, I have a half-naked child attached to me again.
Okay! I’m ready! I have shoes and I am half-naked child free (momentarily)!
DUDE. SLOW DOWN. She expects me to keep up with this?
WTH. She wants me to do what???
Feels like I’m just pushing my boobs out. Is that exercise?
Um. Okay, I think I can do this part…
OMG, DID MY BACK JUST MAKE THAT SOUND???
(Or did I just fart?)
Ok. Did she really just say that she wants this part to bring out my sassy side? Honey, a glass of wine will bring out my sassy side. THIS? Just makes me want to commit homicide.
Hey… this isn’t so bad… and the half-naked baby isn’t even cramping my style.
No. I was wrong, this IS so bad. How do those cooters do this crap so fast?
Let me try one more time.
No, it was like this…
Ugh.
Braden and I decided that we both really like this kind of exercise a lot better.
My favorite part was near the end. When Tabitha D’umo said, “Are you tired!? Well, I don’t care! Keep going!”
Oh.Tabitha.No.You.Di’nt.
That skinny b*tch…
Theme for January 12th, 2008: “Skinny”
That’s right, I said it. Look at her, when she was just a kid:
Um. Where did those long, skinny legs go!?
(Please try to ignore the very, very poor fashion choices. Please.)
*
And then, just a couple of years ago! *gasp*
Just ridiculous…
And did you know she thought she was too chubby THEN!
That stupid, skinny b*tch.
They laugh in the face of that stupid, skinny b*tch’s replacement.
They slap their knees (Don’t see knees, huh? They’re covered in a gelatinous substance.) and they GUFFAW.
Well. I’ve got news for you, Kevin & Leroy. Today? I bought a couple of workout DVDs. I’m going to dance (as recommended) and kick (with Billy Blanks, awwww yeah!) myself thin.
I hear you crying, my backfat buddies. And it sounds so sweet to me.
I wanna be a stupid, skinny b*tch again!
PS: I have done you all a public service tonight by conducting physical research on the perfect pose to hide unwanted fat.
Apparently, in order to camouflage ass, gut, and waddle fat, this is the perfect pose (don’t forget to suck in EVERYTHING POSSIBLE):
What? It’s completely possible to stand this way and act natural.
Let me introduce you to Kevin and Leroy.
We’re a full day into 2008, and I’m going to tell you that NO! I did not forget to post my resolutions.
I just like to show up late for everything.
In 2008, I resolve to:
1. Breathe
2. Eat
3. Continue being a spazzy dork. (Why fight it? Besides, Mrs. Flinger says she’ll be my BF for being just like her in this way.)
(Can you tell I don’t really make serious NY Resolutions?)
Oh yeah, and I would also like to see if I can lose something that I discovered clinging to my back the other day.
Do you SEE THAT THING? Yes. You do. Because it’s huge. I think its name is Kevin.
*gives Kevin the finger*
That is a fat roll that was not there before. Do you remember my Fatty McFatterton post? Well, I actually lost 5 lbs in the weeks following that post. Then… I must have missed them, because I found them all again and even more. I think there’s something about feeling like crap (aka, the D word) where all my fat cells start campaigning for my hands to shove things into my facehole so that they can multiply, because misery loves company.
Of course, Kevin’s twin brother, Leroy, is currently residing on the other side of my back.
*gives Leroy the finger*
So, anyway. Yeaaaah. The other day while I was cramming Mexican food into my facial orifice, I started doing the Happy Food Dance… I was moving my upper body side to side… when suddenly I noticed that…. Uhhh, HELLO? Part of my back was folding over and touching another part of my back and THAT’S NOT SUPPOSED TO HAPPEN.
So. Uh. Yeah.
And can I just say, for the record… OMG, DID I ACTUALLY SHOW YOU GUYS THAT PICTURE?
I have nowhere to go but up now.
Show Sponsors
The Awesome
