Tips for First Birthdays:

*DO take toys out of all packaging before wrapping, unless you like LOSING YOUR MIND.

Luckily, this occurred to me before we wrapped anything, and we didn’t go through the horror that I can only imagine some parents face after the child opens the present. It can take up to 7.23 years to get all the ridiculous twist ties off of some toys. By then, is your kid really gonna give a damn about the 1+Years Rated piece of crap xylophone you hand them? No, they’re going to want a computer, an MP3 player, and a cell phone. Damn kids.

*DO plan what you are going to do on that Special Day well before you retire for bed the night before.

…Unless you want to lie in bed with your husband, going on and on about what you think might make your kid happy in an excited mood, alternating between chattering endlessly (in such a manner that no one would be able to get a word in) and berating your mate for not giving any of his opinions, until your husband wants to smother you with a pillow so he can go to sleep.

*DO take so many pictures that the last several in every series are of your child looking at you like, “The next time you put that in my face, I’m going to grab it from you, bash you in the head with it, and then throw it out the window.”

(You’ll be glad later you have the pictures, even if your kid thinks ‘that metal box’ is growing out of your hand.)

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*DON’T set about the task of setting up/putting together any toys/gifts for your child with your husband unless there are anti-anxiety drugs close at hand.

Also during construction/setting up/rigging things you shouldn’t be rigging the way you’re rigging them… If your husband is careless with something dangerous, like…. ohhh, let’s say, fire, for example… right after you warned him to be careful, and he gets hurt… act concerned and help him dress his wounds instead of laughing, pointing, and singsonging, “I told you to be caaarefuuulll!”

*DON’T expect your kid to be as excited about all of this hoopla as you are.

For example, if he/she just doesn’t “get,” or “isn’t into,” or “couldn’t really give half a crap about” the whole present opening part of the deal, try not to wear the Face of Disappointment:

*DON’T put a pot of something to cook on the stove and then walk away to check your e-mail while the water boils and evaporates until the contents burn into a disgusting, crunchy wad and the SUPER FREAKIN’ LOUD smoke alarm (hey, at least it works) goes off at 982,238 decibels right when Birthday Boy is going down for his Birthday Nap.

*DON’T let your husband take Severe Allergy Medication, no matter how much he is sneezing, because he will start looking like he drank a keg of Guinness and then ran face-first into a pole.

*DON’T ask me how I know what that looks like.

Above all else, make sure your kiddo is happy, whatever that means for him/her.

And enjoy that happiness as much as you possibly can.

This birthday is unique. I imagine I’ll already see a big difference by Year 2, and eventually the bratty expectations and lists of demands will show up long before the day in question. (I’m drawing on memories of my own bratty expectations.)

But I figure I still have a good deal of time to practice saying things like,

“Yes, Braden, I know that Billy Patterson has one of those, but his father is a drug-dealer and closet-transvestite who pimps out his wife and burns his son with cigarettes. Do you want everything Billy has?”